A conversation about polygamy occurred with a friend of mine where the possibility of mature (older than 25), desirable, attractive women with or without children would be open and willing to enter into a relationship where a successful, attractive, nice man had multiple wives--let's say three. I don't want to qualify the situations too much so as to promote more random thoughts on the subject.

Please share your thoughts on the matter, if this takes off, I'll share what I thought on the possibility. Thanks. Both of us were Mormon, neither are now. I by resignation my friend by excommunication. Ugly treatment.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/26/2013 07:48PM by gentlestrength.

In my opinion, the way Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, etc. practiced polygamy was not the correct way. They probably weren't in love with everybody they married, their wives didn't seem to know about all their other wives, and so on.

I don't think marriages involving more than 2 people is a bad thing, if everybody in the marriage knows about everybody else, consents to it, everybody is treated equally, etc.

Understood. Where I was going with this thread was, how do people see the openness to my described women to the possibility. Maybe think of comparable friends and family age ranges, 25 to 45. Mormon, not Mormon--like I said, I'm trying not to structure it too much. Perhaps polygamy is acceptable to some women that have options, would they still choose polygamy. What if their options were not so desirable, but then a desirable man presented himself, but in a polygamous type of relationship.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/26/2013 08:03PM by gentlestrength.

I think there are all sorts of people who are looking for all sorts of relationships. Certainly there are some women who would want a polygynous arrangement, and there are dating sites specifically for that. However, what concerns me is that the discussion is limited to one man, multiple women--I understand that that's your only example, but I guess I don't understand the focus on women? There are all kinds of people who want different things...surely some men (I've known one or two who did do this, but only in situations involving kink/power dynamics), though not many, want a polyandrous relationship/to share a wife. Surely some women, though not many, want a polygynous relationship/to share a husband. Some may have a plethora of desirable choices, some may not. I think there is a person who wants every type of relationship that's available out there.

It is a specific situation for discussion that I am presenting, O guess people can talk about whatever they want, but I am seeking a specific discussion. The males is not interested sexual relationships with men, or multiple partners at the same time, but might consider where the female could have men, but that seemed to be afar from what he thought might be the type of relationship he would be most invested.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/26/2013 08:18PM by gentlestrength.

The only issue with any multiple-partner relationship or marriage is if there is an imbalance of power (that is not already agreed-upon and consented to, as in the case of kink/leather families--that's a very different situation) or all people do not share equal rights. In the example you described, only men would have the right to marry multiple women? Or could three men marry each other or be in a long-term relationship? Or three women? Or three women and one man? Etc, etc. Now, I'm not talking about legal marriages--that brings up a whole can of worms in terms of parental rights, property ownership, blah blah blah. I'm just talking hypothetically, or in terms of polyamory in general.

I have had polyamorous relationships that were very healthy in the past, but they were with women and gender non-conforming/trans folks, not cis men, so I can't speak to that personally, though I've known people who've done it. I have known people who were in healthy heterosexual polyamorous marriages or relationships in which the two partners shared a girlfriend or boyfriend between them, or each had lovers or partners of the same or opposite sex in addition to the primary husband/wife, or in which three people (of various gender combinations) were married to each other. Heck, Emma Goldman essentially lived in a triad with two other men. But these tend to be extremely liberal, open-minded people--it's not about sex partners, as some of the partners may have sex with each other, all of them may have sex with each other, or none of them may have sex. And it's not about power, as each person is extremely free to leave the relationship whenever they want and is freely consenting. And any combination of genders is possible. So a cis man who just wants to marry three cis women and thinks that that's the only way it should be and it can't go the other way, I'd say there's a problem with that, but only because it's inherently unequal (i.e., if he would not support three men marrying one woman or thinks that's somehow "wrong" but what he's doing is fine, that's obviously just sexism).

Have whatever communal family relationship you want if you can make it a healthy one. ("Healthy" of course is in the eye of the beholder. I was once deluded into thinking Mormon was healthy. )

Put it in writing - a cohabitation parental support agreement. Something that means something in family court. Expect opposition from your spouses' exes if their kids are involved. Neighbors may call CPS. Don't home school on top of it. Let your kids get exposed to the outside world.


Good luck with that. Hell is people. It's hard enough to find ONE of them you can get along with.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/26/2013 08:15PM by crom.

This is not about my needs, but it was a specific discussion about whether or to there are great women, looking for a great guy and once they met how open she might be to marrying that guy if he were in polygynous relationships with other women.

I've already learned there is a dating website for women and men open to polygamy. I had no idea.

There are actually several. I stumbled across them when I was researching Mormon polygyny before I left. Then, of course, I had to spend a lot of time looking through all the websites. It was an interesting read. Some weirdos, but don't all dating sites have them? It was especially interesting to hear why some women were seeking it out.

If your friend is serious, I would suggest he read extensively about multiple-partner marriages first. There are many books that help people a lot. There are also many polyamory-friendly therapists if they ever need to seek counseling. I'd also suggest he go to the dating sites for general polyamory instead of the "Biblical polygamy" ones and just specify what his preferences are. The Biblical polygamy ones are super creepy and exploitative. I know, I was obsessed with them for a while in the way that one watches a car wreck.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/26/2013 09:06PM by woodsmoke.

To me, that's just plain adultery and/or fooling around. Why call it polygamy or polyandry? Is the distinction that the parties agree it's ok to have relationships with other partners who are already married?

I suppose you could just call that open marriage.

People do what they want, but I personally could not handle nor would I want a relationship with anyone who is already married - even if the man said his wife was ok with it. I just would rather be in a relationship with one person only.
My preference.

But to each his own.

Most people would. And I don't know about polyandry or polygyny specifically, but in more general polygamy (which by definition is not specific to a particular gender)/polyamory, the difference is mutual consent, yes, and often it's three or more people ALL in a relationship/marriage with one another--not one spouse "fooling around" while the other doesn't, or both spouses getting some on the side or something. Also, it is not about sex. That's an important distinction.

My husband is my Best Friend. That is what I think we would lose by bringing another person- I'm assuming you mean a woman, but either gender- into our relationship. But admittedly we are both rather reclusive, not improving with age.

I'm thinking it sure was with Josephs Myth.

In my polyamorous relationships I did not have sex with many of the partners I was with, for various physical or emotional reasons on their part or mine. For me it was about love in all its forms. To think it is only for sex that you would ever want to be in a relationship with more than one partner is a very narrow-minded view. I am sure for some people it is, though.

In our current economy, this could only work if multiple wives financially support one hubby, not the other way around. Better still, everybody earns their own keep, unless children are involved, then....uh boy.

To each his own, but for me HELL NO!!!

I can think of some women, one educated (Masters from Johns Hopkins, Farrah Fawcett smile and hair, fit, long legs, two kids)very demanding not finding the right guy in traditional relationships, if the right guy came along, but with polygamy. I think she would reason through it, if it made sense to her, go for it. Not a sex thing, a needs thing.

I knew a few polyamorous relationships in Seattle about a decade ago. For some reason, they were all one woman with several boyfriends. They seemed to work well based on everyones' temperaments.
Just my isolated slice of encounters back when I was more social...

If they can work out the technitalities for it to be in line with consenting adults in equal standing I'd say go for it. And good luck, she's gonna need it. It's not my cup of tea though.

What adults choose to do is their business unless they expose children which is wrong and hurtful in my opinion.

Are you referring only to one man-multiple woman polygynous situations? The thread has dealt with various forms of polyamory as well. If not, do you have evidence that children raised in homes with monogamous parents (actually, I'm not sure if that could be quantified, as many parents who are only married to each other and keep their polyamory out of the home are still not monogamous) are healthier and better off?

I taught school for well over thirty years which included teaching children from hippie communes. These kids all had resulting developmental and emotional problems since their primary caregivers never held out examples of clear cut relationships that the children could learn from.

Good parenting means reading to children, feeding and clothing them well and providing examples of good decision making and life skills.

People don't mind that I suggest they read to children and put them to bed at reasonable times. They overreact big time when I tell them I don't approve of group marriage as a way to rear children. But that's what I've observed and that's what I recommend.

Anyone is free to make their own choices but they have no right to expect me to support them if I don't think children are well served. Nor must I justify my experience or insight any more than they do.

Thanks for your thoughts. I personally disagree as some of the happiest, healthiest families I've seen have been poly families or families with more than two parents, though hippie communes might be a different story. I also think it's wrong to stop anyone from raising children the way they see fit unless there is evidence of abuse or neglect; people make the same arguments about interracial or gay parents, for example, hurting their children unnecessarily or providing a poor example through their own relationship. You don't have to support anyone, and I didn't ask you to, I asked for your reasons for your opinion. But I'm also free to disagree with you, which is all I did.

Interesting studies have been done on nonmonogamous parents with children. Not many concrete conclusions have been reached yet, but there is some interesting information. One thing I hadn't thought of is that many (even most?) parents in the U.S. today are effectively nonmonogamous, because so many are divorced and are dating, or there are stepparents, so many if not most children effectively have more than two parents. They wouldn't consider themselves "poly," but in the experiences of their children, they essentially are.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/201301/is-polyamory-bad-the-children

I see red flags. Your hypothetical proposition already is power biased as it does not include any information about the other partners. The hypothetical woman will be sharing at a very intimate level the hypothetical man with other hypothetical women who already have both intimacy, friendship, and, if children are involved, financial and significant other emotional demands.

Sounds like traditional polygamy instead of polyamory. In polyamory there would be some true emotional commitment on the part of the other partners.

My question then would be to the hypothetical woman why don't you respect yourself enough to allow yourself all of one person since you don't seem to be "in love" witht he other members.

Prediction: longevity of the relationship will be short and if money gets involved with real estate transactions and children it will be very difficult to resolve unless a legal document spelling out all of the eventualities is signed first

This is true re: the red flags regarding power. Something about it seemed off to me, but I thought it might be my own bias/prejudice about men who want to be with more than one woman/the history of polygyny in many cultures, particularly Mormonism.

Threads go where they go.

I was hoping people would think of their family and friends, not hypotheticals, but real people as they are today.

Are there women that would enter into a polygamous relationship with a man, not an "open marriage". But a marriage where the wives knew of each other, operated interdependently, the man was an able provider of financial needs. Do those women exist.

I can think of a few, I'm not 100 percent sure, but they are frustrated with the men that they qualify to date right now. If a higher quality man offered marriage and she loved him, I think she might be open to such a relationship herself.

I guess the point is that is polygamy so off putting to a woman that she would not marry a quali man she loved or is beginning to love and continue to live alone (or with her kids) or continue to date men of inferior quality in pursuit of a traditional relationship even though the quality of her options diminish over time.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/27/2013 01:38PM by gentlestrength.

I think there are some people who particularly seek out multi-partner relationships of all kinds. So the short answer to your original question, I think, is yes. But it is still only the short answer. If the women in question are not particularly looking for polygyny, but instead are just looking for a marriage and willing to settle for polygyny, then I think that's a major red flag from all sides. First all, no one should settle, and it makes me think that the women in question are desperate in some way and it wouldn't work out in the long run. Just my two cents.

I get it, this thread is a conversation for reasoning,not practicality.

Can there be a practical side to this to tough.

Most women don't consider polygamy because it isn't legal, it's not being offered to them by someone they would consider, and they are adapting to their situation as they get more information.

I guess polygamy is so foreign to women that they would stay alone and date in inferior financial condition and opportunity either for herself or her family.

I might be wrong, but I think I know some women that would prefer monogamy, they aren't finding that possible with a man of quality, because they might be a little too old or too many kids, or other non-crazy issues, just she's not the best option for him either. So a great guy comes along, but with this lifestyle--I just think it would be considered and possibly accepted as a better, but not ideal,alternative.

Maybe idealism is the current dating pool strategy. Hope Disney isn't still creating the demand! Prince Charming is not coming.

Expecting monogamy is idealistic?

I think most women would rather be single than have to fall in love with someone who was sleeping with and loving someone else, yes. I think most men would prefer the same, even if the woman was wealthy and could pull him out of a bad financial situation and care for his children.

People enter the dating pool all the time, due to divorce, death of a spouse, etc. So I don't really buy the idea that quality men are becoming more scarce over time.

Any person settling for a mate that is compromised in some way, as is the case you're making, are going to keep their eyes open to a better offer, even if they say yes to the arrangement.

+1 Quality men aren't any scarcer than quality women. Quality people in general might be pretty scarce, but it's not gender-specific.

Well, I'm pretty sure the Morg won't touch that one again with a 50 foot pole. They're having enough trouble with crazy doctrine like this being in their past! Imagine the problems it would cause them if they tried to bring it back!