It has been a very difficult past few weeks for my family. My extended family is very, very close. Maybe because my mom is "the baby", I don't really know... But a few weeks ago, my teenage cousin was killed in a car accident. His mother is an ER nurse and had a very traumatizing experience when he was wheeled in and they had to hold her down. His only brother is a Marine and lives near me here in CA (the rest are in Utah) and took it very, very hard (as expected).

We have been reeling from that loss for weeks, and just got news today while my uncle (the family patriarch) was in surgery that they confirmed he has pancreatic cancer. They removed a bunch of organs that were now cancerous, and are testing on some lymph nodes to see how aggressively it has spread. Either way, it isn't looking good. I looked at the prognosis for his type of cancer and its just so, so bad.

I never knew my grandfather, he died just a few years before I was born. This uncle is my mom's oldest brother -- 16 years older, actually -- and has been like a father to her. My heart aches for her hearing this news today.

I also feel like in the wake of all of this, I'm just here, away from everyone physically and spiritually. I've come to my own agnostic conclusions recently (leaning more toward atheism) and I am at such a loss here. Everyone around me is on auto-pilot about the plan of salvation, and "being in a better place now." I would never open my mouth about my new-found beliefs at a time like this and attempt to take away their comfort, but its so confusing for me now. I don't want to just jump in speaking platitudes that I don't believe in, but I don't want to take it away from them, either. And I also don't want to be left out of the conversation, because it is my loss, too...

I don't think I'm equipped for this quite yet... any insight?

But I'm not there... :( Its a slurry of phone calls, emails, and messages that I'm sort of half-involved in because I'm not toting the LDS rhetoric right now.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/26/2013 05:35PM by saintdorothymantooth.

There are countless ways to express support for those who are grieving that have nothing to do with theology. The loss of a loved one is a deep and profound experience—there is no need to connect god to the feelings to make them significant.

One thing you might say (even to yourself) is, “Grief is the price we pay for love. If we never love, we’ll never grieve, but even when the price is this high, love is still a bargain.”

That's very beautiful - I've never heard that before. Thanks, CrispingPin

Grief is the price we pay for love. If we never love, we’ll never grieve, but even when the price is this high, love is still a bargain.

Wow, is that from somewhere or did you think of that?

It is beautiful.

The notion that grief is the price we pay for love is certainly not original, but that exact quote is just what popped into my mind when I was trying to think of something to say to saintdorothymantooth.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/26/2013 09:59PM by CrispingPin.

Thanks. It was beautifully put. I have recently lost someone and found comfort in your words.

Hello SDMT,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss and the news of your uncles very serious illness. Having lost a friend recently to the same cancer he has, my dear, you are right, the prognosis is bad. The truth is an awful thing, but I feel it is easier than skirting around it. I hope you agree, because I have No desire to add to your pain. My heart breaks for you all, especially you poor aunt. I cannot imagine how awful it must be for her.

I know how much you want to be there for your family at such a terrible time. But I truly think you ARE. Just by phoning and expressing the pain you feel, you are helping. I know the platitudes must sound awful to you, but it is THEIR way of coping, yours is to be honest with them and yourself, express your pain and listen to them WHATEVER they say. YOu have already show great sensitivity in knowing NOT to put your non beleif into the family situation right now, of course it would be too much, and you are very considerate for seeing that. Just listen and talk. Nothing else is needed, much as ALL of us feel we should be doing so much more, there really is no more we can do. Feel free to just be yourself, and don't expect too much of yourself, remember you are in terrible pain too.

My love to you and your family. How I wish I could do more too!

Lynn

Thank you Lynn. I appreciate it -- all these feelings are so new, its nice to have them validated.

I did find a small way to contribute to my family by going through a bunch of photos I have of my Uncle and each member of his family. I sent them each a photo of themselves with him at either their wedding, or some other event. At least for me, photographs are a big part of how I grieve, so hopefully it can be of some peace to them, too. Not that he is gone yet, but the feeling right now is about holding on to the good times with him, because we all know what's ahead.

Thank you again. -SDM

Look for little ways to help - like the photos. Send cards, books, favorite candy... You don't have to say much. And when my dad actually died, the most wonderful, unexpected thing was my cousins I hadn't seen in years showing up and volunteering for all kinds stupid, menial stuff like cleaning the guest bathrooms, running to the store, arranging the display at the viewing... Those girls earned my sincere eternal gratitude and taught me a wonderful lesson about how to "be there" for others. The only stayed 3 days but they helped so much - our family will never forget it. You can do that for your family, if you visit even for a couple of days. And you don't have to say much, just pitch in.

vh65, that is perfect. One of his adult children lives near me and I thought I would try to do something nice for them, even though we've lived less than 5 minutes from each other for the last half-decade and not seen each other once...I didn't want my gesture to seem phony or self-serving, or like "I only care about you now because of your dad's illness," but I think I will go ahead and contact them. Thank you for your kind words.

My father passed away from cancer a month ago. He had suffered terribly the last two months of his life. It was very painful for the whole family. The TBM's in his life told me he was in a better place...it meant nothing to me. The other people in his life told me what he meant to them. How he had influenced them, the things he taught them, their shared experiences. That was the best thing about my Dad's viewing and funeral. I will cherish those things. Through them I will always see my Dad. Tell those who are suffering what your Uncle means to you, what he taught you, how he contributed to the person you are. Every time they see you they will remember that and see him. This is how he will live forever. His eternity is sealed through his impact on the living. This will most certainly help you as well. Once I started hearing other's talk about how my Dad influenced them I did the same and came to the wonderful conclusion about his eternal presence in my life through me. More than ever I see him in me and it takes away the sting of death. If I want to hear him, talk to him, or just be all I need to do is live because he is in some degree in me. I hope this helps.

SDMT

YOu are doing AMAZINGLY well! Such a lovely idea, all the photos and little things you can do for your relative close by. Please keep in touch and tell us how you are doing?

Lynn

I will be in the same boat as you today.

TBM funeral, he died suddenly from cancer at 66.

His wife, my cuz, has been given less than a year, cancer also.


Today, in Calif., I will see TBM relatives from Utah.

Some will make comments about coming back to church etc...


All the best to you.

I had a very close friend die about a year ago. She was only 30 and left a young daughter. Someone told me that being there for my friend's family was a great way to honor my friend and keep her memory alive in all our hearts. My relationships with her family helped all of us cope a little better.

I am a palliative care nurse, and have also lost both my parents (at ages 84 and 92). No matter when you lose someone you love to death it's hard. When I left the mormon church as a bic when I was 50 years old, I at first worried that I might not be a good palliative care nurse anymore. But, in truth, I have become a better nurse for it. As another poster said, our expression of love and support following a death need not say anything at all about theology. The joy that a person has brought into our lives becomes such a memory of strength and love when they leave this life. Who knows what becomes of them? I don't, and I don't have to. I do know that they were a powerful force in my life.

And this: Don't ever let anyone tell you how to grieve. Grieving is as individual as your fingerprint. The time will come when you will once again laugh, be silly, make fun of things, enjoy things...and there is nothing wrong in that. But if you have loved deeply, you will be changed forever at the loss of the one you have loved. And that is how it should be. You enjoy and you live through the filter of being that changed person. You become something else through that love. Pity those that have not experienced that depth of love to have the loss of them produce that change.

Savor the days with those we love...no matter how long or short. And when those days are done...savor the memories, and be the richer for them.

I've just come off a 12 hour shift, with 2 deaths in 2 days. What a privilege to share that journey.

I just wanted to send you hugs. I too have had difficulty expressing myself to others when someone is ill or has lost a loved one.

I have a dear friend who is in the hospital undergoing bone marrow transplant for a type of aggressive leukemia. They are faithful Bahai's. I want to send my "prayers" -- but it's so hard to voice that feeling since I am now agnostic.

You have come up with some really wonderful suggestions on your own. I wish you all the best during this difficult transition. I know the love and affection you offer to your family members will go along way in seeing them through the milestones of life.