Well, today is the 44th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/28/stonewall-riots-anniversary-2013_n_3517743.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices

I was going to write a post about how much it sucks to be gay to commemorate the event, but today is also the day that gay marriage started in California again!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/28/kris-perry-sandy-stier-gay-marriage_n_3519462.html?utm_hp_ref=gay-voices&ir=Gay%20Voices

From time to time some Debby D. Downer (the D. stands for Double) that claims to be gay goes on and on in a depressing rant about how horrible it is to be gay. They tell a woeful tail, "Gay men can't connect", "everyone hates gays", "The gay community is a nothing but a bunch of shallow sluts", etc.. There are many gay and strait that will hop right in to this pity party of disrepair and depression. It is easy to buy into this drivel. We can all point to examples that validate those points. Yes gays have powerful enemies that attack the gay community, but I have to say it does not mean it sucks to be gay, far from it.

So, on this day of celebrating the Stonewall riots and the return of gay marriage to California, I would like to share some wonderful moments that show the fun and wonderful side of gay. Stories that blow the socks of of Debby D. Downer's sickening whining.

Here are three fun stories, well 2 fun on emotional but positive, from a gay life, mine. I invite other LGBTs to post their own stories.

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THE GAY MEN CONNECTION

One weekend, back when we still had those ghastly tape (not even digital) answering machines, my parents visited me in San Francisco. We took the ferry over to Saucelito, an artist community across the bay.

Through out the day, I managed to notice a hot man, figure out he was gay, that he was interested, flirted, exchanged phone numbers and even set up a date right in front of my parents without them ever knowing. We had used the clandestine ways gay men use to connect with each other -- The tree step rule, the reflective glance, anonymous group discussions, code words, subtle gestures to signal intent, we used them all. I did all of this never being out of sight of my parents and without my parents having a clue.

Later, when we got back to my place, I played back the messages. One message was from the guy I had just met. His message gave the clandestine meeting away to my mother. My mother was stunned. I had to explain in great detail how we could have pulled it off without her knowing.

Ever since that day, whenever my mother and I went out, she was always asking if I met another guy!

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SO BUSTED!

when I still lived in Los Angeles, I met a man named Jon. We were developing a friendship with a few extra benefits. One weekend, Jon and I went to San Francisco. It was the weekend we fell in love, but that is a different story.

We went to Golden Gate park..., No, not by the windmills, geez. We were by the lake watching the a model sail boat regatta when Jon pointed out an exceptionally hansom man about 15 yards away. We had been looking at him for a moment when suddenly a woman was right in front of us, literally in our faces. The woman spoke, "Eat your hearts out", turned and walked toward the man of our admiration. She grabbed his arm, kissed him and whispered something in his ear. While the woman whispered, the man looked over, smiled at us and waved. As they walked away, the man looked back and winked.

We were so busted and the couple loved busting us! I still snicker at how well the woman pulled off the bust.

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NEVER ALONE

Interesting how these stories came out in reverse chronological order.

Back when I was first coming out, I was newly sober and deathly afraid of telling straight people for fear of the consequences, including possibly loosing my life.

I decided to go to a 12 step men's retreat. The retreat was clearly marked to straight men (not in a homophobic way) so my gay friends did not want to go. I committed to myself that if I went, I would go as an open gay man, I would not hide who I was. I went, I was so frightened.

When I got to the retreat and started to meet the men, I was astounded how powerful these men were. I will not even try to explain why there was so much power, there just was. I wanted, indeed, I felt I needed to be part of this group. I was still so full of self hate over being gay that I was sure that when I came out I would be rejected by the group. I went on a rapid retreat into the closet for the first night and morning of the first day.

Then we did an exercise called "Side by Side". We broke up into groups of 6 men. Each man had a half hour where they chose what do do and the group would do it. Things like skipping rocks on the lake while sharing stories. I sounds kinda silly, but through the firs 4 men, an incredible bond developed. I was 5th.

For my half hour I asked if they would just listen while I said something I needed to say. They agreed. I should point out the make up of the group. A big burly iron worker, A biker dude, a father figure, a grandfather figure and a teacher. Of all the men, I could not have picked a more intimidating group to come out to.

I talk about about how much I admired them, how much I wanted to be part of the group, That I could not be fully apart unless I was honest, that I was sure I would be rejected if I were honest. I then told them I was gay. What I said next surprised even me. Although it was a fear I always had, I never expressed it to anyone. With shaky voice and fighting back tears, I talked about how I was afraid that if people knew I was gay, that one day I would be alone and be beat to death for being gay. I explained that the biggest fear was that I would be be alone when a bunch of homophobs beat me to death and die alone.

There was silence, a seemingly unending silence while I was sure I was going to be rejected at best. I was nearly physically ill.

Then the biker dude stood up walked over to me, and told me to stand up. When I did he told me to lift up my head (I was sulking and looking down) and look him in the eyes. I looked in his eyes for a few seconds, then he lunged at me, garbing me in a huge hug lifting me off the ground. He put me down, looked me in the eye and nodded in the affirmative, patted my shoulder then looked around the the rest of the group as if to challenge them do do anything to me.

The first to actually speak what the grandfather figure. He said that he was sexually attracted to men but had never admitted it to anyone until right then. He said he wished he had the courage to do what I just did when he was my age.

Then I started to cry. The iron worker, a very strong dude, waked up in a very firm hug and held me the full time I cried. The other men of the group came close and put their arms around my shoulders or comforted me in other ways.

When I stopped crying. The father figure, the person that had the last half hour, said, "I want to take the group down to the lake and skip rocks. I would specifically like to ask MJ to join the group to be sure he knows he is part of our group"

After rock skipping, while we were walking back to the communal, every one there, dinner and meeting, the guys encouraged me to come out to the full group, which I did. The rest of the weekend went on with me being a fully accepted member of the group. My side by side group became good friends and it seemed we were never apart.

Then at the good-bye dinner my group told me that they had gotten together and agreed to never let me be alone. That if someone at the retreat tried to beat me to death, I would not be alone and they would fight with me.

2 weeks later, I was in Sacramento at the protests described in an earlier post.

Yeah, it sucks to be gay if the gay is full of self hate. I know how much it sucks to live like that because I lived through it. Once I risked letting the world in, I found out that I hated myself way, way more than the world did. Once I let the world in, I learned that it was remarkable to be gay, that I brought a wonderful person where ever I went. I hope this is something the gay Debbie D. Downers learn some day.

I used to work in NYC in one of the creative industries. It was heavily gay, maybe nine out of ten guys in the industry were and are gay.

And it was fun! You know how it is, MJ, there are so many gay guys who are witty, funny, and sharp, and just plain fun to be around. They had the best adventures and lots of entertaining stories to share.

Some became the best friends of women in my industry. Some became "walkers" or social escorts to high powered society widows, and thus gained an entree into a world that few of us get to see. Some of the really good looking guys "married up" so to speak.

I used to envy their parties. They sounded *great*.

I don't mean to say that all gay guys are the outgoing, gregarious type (although there were plenty of those.) There were quieter, more reflective men as well. I liked the range of personalities.

One gay guy that I knew back then was a really vibrant man in his 70's. I asked him his secret, and he said, "cultivate friends of all ages." To this day, I think that is really great advice.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/29/2013 01:41AM by summer.

It does suck to be gay... if you're in the closet.

As I came out, it changed. I only lost one friend (who I'm better off without), and gained a ton of self-respect, new friends who aren't judgmental, and a boyfriend I can connect to on a level that I never reached with my ex-wife.

Thank you MJ. I loved reading your stories.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/29/2013 02:58AM by Xyandro.

Thanks for sharing that MJ. I'm not even sure how to say this but when people are honestly themselves, the whole world becomes a better place. It gives others the chance to be honest too and self-acceptance inspires acceptance from others. It's almost midnight and I'm zonked, so I feel like that last sentence came out as mush but bottom line is, you are terrific.

As a single mom I loved hanging with gay men. We could enjoy discussions about men we thought were cute or were bastards. I dig my girlfriend time. But after growing up Mormon with the constant sexual tension, it was nice to learn man friendshipping didn't always have to make me feel like I was under some kind of pressure. For a straight woman men gay men friends are an awesome resource.

I don't have many lesbian friends which is funny. My oldest must have my gene because he is straight but loves working for his 2 lesbian bosses.... one who used to date Ellen... and is kinda b list. He says he owes me for my taste in lesbian music genre it helps him at the office. It wasn't something I did consciously I love female voices.

It was difficult for me to hold my tongue recently with my dad. He thinks gay men recruit. And he has a personal story he likes to share to prove it. He was hitchhiking as a teen in rural NV and the guy when picked him up was appearatly attracted to skinny kids with jug ears. Dude drove him the wrong way and made a move on him. Dad is 75 now. I suppose I let him have that story since I have my tale of being molested by a bishop in my parents kitchen... my take is all men recruit sexual partners... some men are evil.

I so appreciated these stories, MJ!
Had to re-read that last one to make sure I got it all. Cried even more the second time, dammit. :)

Ultimately my coming out elevated my stature in the group. It was seen as an incredible act of courage. I thought that strange since I saw my coming out as an act of desperation, not courage.

I was also given credit for upping the level of honest and intimacy in what the guys were sharing.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/29/2013 08:48PM by MJ.

"It was seen as an incredible act of courage."
Yes it was!
Hell I thought you were going to say the biker dude kissed ya! :)

Those stories were amazing MJ.

Your third story was very touching. Thank you for sharing MJ.

MJ...great post!

Edit: thanks for sharing. Your strength and courage is noteworthy. I will try to skip rocks more often...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/29/2013 11:56AM by oldklunker.

Be sure to skip rocks with your buddies while sharing who you are.

The exercise was paying homage to how men and women bond. Women tend to bond face to face. They get coffee, sit down face to face and chat. Men tend to bond side by side, they bond while doing an activity. Men bond by working on the car together, watching the game together, going fishing together.

It was a powerful exercise that I still remember today.

I really don't have friends. I spend time with my wife as much as possible. She is my buddy.

Your story reminds me of the pain my son must have suffered before he committed suicide 14 years ago June 22 two days after Father's Day. The pain is still numbing and tormenting. Your experience with others lifting you from the depths of disparity gives me comfort to know that not everyone succumbs to personal conflicts.

Skipping rocks for me will be symbolic of loving others,remembering a son lost and you as a son saved.

Sharing our experiences in life and how we are able to grow and mature as group is astounding. There is hope for humanity when when we stand united.

Thanks MJ...

MJ - thanks for that.

MJ sometimes you post something that stays with me, like the suicide hotline post you shared about a year ago...this post was of that caliber. Thank you for sharing this. It will stay with me. I'm especially struck by just how brave you are, coming out to the group of men, crying in their arms as the relief swept over you... you've had some real experiences that are an inspiration. <hugs> Have a good one dear. I think I love you.

I was at a desperate low in my live. I couldn't keep living as a self hating gay man. Death was preferable to the self loathing I had been living through.

Coming out to those men was not an act of courage, it was an act of desperation. I was so desperate, that to me, death would have been a relief.

I had been told by other gay men that "It gets better" (before that became an internet mime) if you accept who you are and come out of the closet. I didn't really believe them, but I gave it a try, and it worked.

That once I started my coming out talk, I was, for the most part, out of control of events. My side by side group brought me back to sanity and was responsible for healing me.

Nice stories.

;o)

The reason I added that third story was not to show or talk about my own courage, or more accurately my desperation. It is the best personal story I have that shows the whole world does not hate gays. That is the lesson I learned at that event.

I wanted to share that there are remarkably good things in a gay life.

You all have reminded me that you are among the good things in my gay life.

I came out to a group of Christian men who considered themselves sex addicts. I was in the group because I thought my gayness, my masturbation, and my porn sessions were all addiction related. Not a single one of them flinched when they found out I was gay. I got lots of hugs in that group.

I've been to nude beaches. I was never naked in front of a woman before. That first time was one of the most eye-opening experiences of my life. Straight men would walk through the gay section holding their girlfriends' hands, dingles dangling. Nobody cared. I didn't care. And it felt wonderful.

It's certainly not an exciting time to be gay and Mormon, contrary to that video, but it's definitely an exciting time to be gay and alive!

Whether you're gay or straight it just feels good to be real.

Thank you for your stories.

Thanks, I really enjoy your sharing.

Awesome stuff!

I hope this helps those self-hating gays out there (especially the one I know you're talking about)

I'm now in a place where I am SO GLAD I'm gay. I wouldn't want to be anything/any way else!!

I think the gay movement has been hijacked for political purposes. With all the corruption in the government, the politicians need distractions and they need to get the people fighting with each other. What better than pushing gay agenda on people who don't want it and that results in a backlash and a follow up backlash. It's all designed to stir the pot and divide the population.

Many of these gay movements are engineered red herrings and do nothing to really serve gay people. The religious right are also being played.

I ignore it all and don't fall for it. Nor do I fall for the whole Paul Deen or this so called NSA whisleblower bit. More red herrings.

I'm more interested in the financial scandals and why we went from over 500 media companies to only about five. Five who protect our current rabble of corrupt politicians no matter how many crimes they commit.

As far as gays go, hey, if they are good memeber of societ who cares. I would have no problem hiring a gay person if they were qualified for the job and I would rather rent to gay people if they paid the rent and didn't trash the place. For me it's how people behave more than what they are.

"Many of these gay movements are engineered red herrings and do nothing to really serve gay people."

I think the gay couple who are now able to get married, thus ensuring survivors rights such as collecting spouse's social security benefits, might disagree with you vehemently. If it weren't for these gay movements putting pressure on lawmakers to strike down DOMA, they wouldn't have these rights. The only red herring I see here is your political post, which has nothing to do with the OP.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/01/2013 02:37PM by FormerLatterClimber.

I was at a cafe this morning and my neighbor comes in and starts telling me about how horrified he is about DOMA being struck down and how there are 2 men and 2 women kissing all over the news and how disgusted he was about it. All the while, my daughter and her friend, whose parents are two women, are with me. This lesbian couple are some of my best friends. I said "bill, this is not a choice for these folks, its how their born..." After hearing that comment, he started to get irrate saying "Well, it's all environmental." I started in on telling him how much I disagree all the while giving examples of which he interrupts me saying 'he had to get going and how 'sodom and gomorrah...blah...blah...blah..." And all I could do was say 'Wow'.

Loved the story MJ!

My dad was out here to visit with his new wife. She had stayed back with my wife while I took my dad to a local motel to get them a room. My dad was very insistent on the room having one bed, not two. The guy at the counter was giving us a real dirty look and I couldn't figure it out for a minute. Then it hit me. He thinks we're gay. He thinks my dad wants one bed so we can more easily have gay sex. That's why he's pissed. So I shrug it off and we both head outside. I told my dad about it laughingly. My dad had to go back in to set the dude straight. One of my favorite stories.