I was raised old school I guess. I had a strict bed time and I had a separate room and bed. Only if I had a horrible nightmare was I allowed to run to my folks bed for a brief while. Once I fell asleep my folks would carry me back to my bed to sleep the night out.

I've noticed an interesting trend in past years. I know so many women from my past job who sleep only with their kids. Dad is sleeping in the kid's room.

Others have confided that their kids rooms and beds are so filled with toys and clutter that its easier for them to allow the kid to sleep with them.

What I find more disturbing (am I weird for thinking this?) is an ex-sister in law (who I still love and consider a good friend) sleeps with her 5 year old son. She is now divorced, but she has been sleeping with him since he was a prematurely born infant. Dad always slept in the kid's twin bed.

Now that she is divorced, she is still sleeping with the boy, and is even afraid to move around on a Saturday morning, lest disturb his slumber.

Do you think it fucks with a kid's psyche, or a boy's psyche, to be sleeping with mom? How does one keep a marriage healthy if you don't even sleep with your mate?

What is your POV?



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/25/2013 03:14PM by senoritalamanita.

Co-sleeping when the child is an infant is healthy, but I can't imagine my husband sleeping in the kid's room.

No wonder she got divorced.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/25/2013 03:51PM by tapirsaddle.

<<No wonder she got divorce.>>

Took the words right out of my keyboard..

I agree that healthy to bond with a newborn, and nurse him or her and keep him with you (of course safely, without threat of rolling over on him) or in a crib next to the bed.

But what is the cutoff age? Is there an age where it is not healthy to be sleeping with your kids, or a mom sleeping with her young son?

I forgot to mention that the little boy is so clingy that there seems to be no boundaries between them. I'm used to being around young children, but this kid interrupts every sentence, every phone call, hangs on to her head, shoulders, runs around like crazy trying to get her attention when others are near, and has trouble socializing with other kids.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 06/25/2013 03:26PM by senoritalamanita.

I think a little bit more is going on here besides the family bed. My children's father really encouraged this whiney, clingy behavior for whatever reasons that still remain a mystery. When he wasn't around, the kids would go off and play with other children their age, but the second he showed up, they would get whiny and clingy and demand his full attention. It was actually a little bit embarrassing. I would say this friend needs to take some control and be the grown-up and help the child gain courage and skills to maneuver through life. It's always hard to see them step away, but also very proud and encouraging. They do need to leave the nest at some point.

My infant children slept with me until they were four months old. And throughout their growing years, they'd sleep with me sometimes when they were scared. When I divorced, they were eight and six years of age. I read in a book on divorce that I should keep them in their own beds so they don't replace their dad in my bed, and also that they don't feel dismissed when I sleep with another man/partner/lover. But of course, when they were scared, I'd let them hang with me in my bed.

But it's unhealthy, IMHO, beyond the 2 year old mark (or thereabouts).

Seems like parents who do this have emotional / sexual hang-ups of their own.

(And I've seen some gender-specific biases on this one too. For some people, it seems to be ok for mom to sleep with her 5 year old son, but not ok for dad to sleep with his 5 year old daughter. WTF? Either paring strikes me as very odd.)

And what husband concedes to sleeping in his kid's room while his wife sleeps with the kid. Big D time says I!

Talk about gross:
http://www.time.com/time/covers/0,16641,20120521,00.html

My daughter slept in my bed until she was about 5 then she always decided to sleep in her bed. No stress, I let her decide. But I made her room as comfy and inviting as possible so she would prefer it when she was ready.

The Family Bed is nothing new, of course. It was common for many to sleep in the same room if not in the same bed.
It's still practiced in many groups in the world.
It's gathered favor with some groups of families in the US rather recently also.

I'm a believer in separate beds for children.

When they were babies and I was still nursing, I would have used one of these if they had been available:

http://www.squidoo.com/co-sleeper-for-bed

I see no difference between that & the bassinet my mom used for my back in the day.

I have been fighting for years to get my son to sleep in his own bed. I usually have to carry him back to bed two or three times a night, and I still end up waking up in the morning with him sleeping sideways across my pillows.

He get's scared, and wants to sleep with Daddy, because he feels Daddy will protect him from the monsters. Daddy (me) is pretty sure there are no monsters, and wants him to sleep in his own bed so I don't get kicked all night. Now that I think about it, I think there is one tiny little monster, but it's the same guy who is climbing into my bed all night long.

I think it causes more emotional problems, to lock a scared child out of your room, to be by himself in a big dark house, so I let him climb into bed when he is scared, then carry him back.

When mine were babies, the family bed was great. I could deal with the feedings and still get some sleep. By the time the baby was sleeping through the night, time to move to their own bed. My ex dragged that out so far, and it was a problem. He'd let them sleep with us or he'd fall asleep in the toddler's room. There was no chance for intimacy with a little person sandwiched between us. He didn't want to be the bad guy and put the child in bed and leave and put the child in bed again when they get up for any various reasons. He would coddle and stay with them until they fell asleep, often falling asleep himself, or just put them in bed with us.

After my divorce, my young children, about 5 and 3 ended up in the bed again. Monsters, strange noises. I was fine with it to a point. I don't see this as horribly unhealthy. I encouraged them back to their rooms quickly, just let them work through their own issues with all the changes. I really didn't mind, but really also needed them in their own beds. At what age does it get too weird? I don't know. Obviously, at this point I didn't have a partner, so that part wasn't an issue. I just worked with them getting back to their own beds. Often in the middle of the night I might wake to find a little person in bed with me, and eventually that stopped.

I don't know what the full situation is with the 5-year-old. Yeah, it's a little weird, but this child's life has been disrupted with the divorce, he's living in two households, this is the first big major year of school, there's a lot going on and there's a safety in Mom's room and sleeping in Mom's bed. I think if it works, it works for this family, and hope she's working with the boy to get him back into his own space.

That is my experience with the family bed.

We moved our daughter to a crib in her room when she was 6 months old - that night was the first time she slept through the night (hallelujah!). When she was 2-3 yrs old, she'd come to our room to sleep with us if she had a bad dream, but generally she liked being in her own bed.

I don't know why anybody should care. As long as they are "sleeping", then I suppose it's their choice.

I agree with Erick - families have slept together in the same room for most of history - from caves to cabins. It's not that weird although if a child is older and sleeping with a parent of the opposite sex in the same bed, that might raise eyebrows. That is wrong, IMO.

What's important is for children to learn that their parents are listening to their fears and taking them seriously and that their parents are there for them. Shoving them into their own room just to stand on principle seems a bit heartless to me. Most kids want to be in their own room naturally, unless they are going through a hard time or dealing with something where they are feeling insecure. Give them a little security and they'll work through it and return to their own beds. Forcing them to bury what's bothering them just because there is some arbitrary rule they should be in their own bed seems counterproductive to me. But really, whatever works for the family is probably the best answer.

Amen. We need to help our children handle their fears. Sometimes that means they sleep with us, but neither parent is displaced. Displacing a parent can cause problems in itself. To empower my little ones, I make a spray bottle with water and lavender essential oil (you can get some at Whole Foods) to make "monster spray". Then we go spray the monsters in their room. They love using the spray bottle, they are taking care of monsters themselves with mommy or daddy right behind them and the lavender helps them sleep. It works well for us.

My mom used "Monster spray" for me. I've been terrified of the dark for as long as I can remember, so I was a perpetually scared child during bed hours.

I still spray my pillow with lavender spray.

The youngest doesn't seem to have gotten a "monster" fear, thank FSM.

I wish I thought of this or knew about it during the monster years!!

I would need to see some kind of data to have a real opinion either way. It is hard to say anything definitive without looking at individual cases. I would assume that families that sleep like that have a good reason for doing so generally. Usually people are just doing whatever works best for their families.

When he was brand new, the first few nights he slept in a cradle at the foot of our bed. He was only 6.6 lbs. and needed to be fed every 2 hours (fed on demand, no schedule), but he soon moved to his crib in the room next to ours, so I could hear him. We kept the doors open, and until he was 4-5 months, I had to get up at least once in the night to feed him. I'd wake up at the first whimper (I'm a light sleeper) change him quick, then sit in my rocker and feed him til he fell asleep, put him back to bed and go back to sleep myself.

At nap time, I'd nurse him, he'd fall asleep, I'd ease him into his bed to finish. When he was weaned at 22 months, I'd have to lie down with him to get him to go to sleep, spoon style, then ease away again, but sometimes slept myself. He had to nap, or he'd hit the wall and make everyone miserable.

I like sleeping with my husband. Its our time, watching tv in bed, yacking, doing the horizontal mambo, and a child even in the bedroom would absolutely interfere. My son knows his importance to us, but understands our twosomeness also. I think that's important and healthy.

Damn it all, its pouring rain AGAIN.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/25/2013 06:00PM by serena.

In fact, spending the night at Nana's house and sleeping in my bed with me is the highlight of their visits. I spent last night sharing my bed with my 12 year old grandson (been a while since he was over for snuggles). Nothing wrong with it in my book, as long as you aren't encouraging some sort of unhealthy dependence or fears.

If children will not remain in their own bed and bedroom invest in a simple hook for the bedroom door that will keep them there. Sleeping with your children after they can walk is not on.

Locking a child in a room is considered child abuse where I live.

I also consider it child abuse.

+1

Also creates difficulties with a potty training/trained child.

That was told to me by my brother who is a fireman.

I haven't read the other responses.
Our son slept in our bed with us for a couple of years from about 2-4 years old, but it was because he wanted to snuggle with Daddy. Since my husband was working all day and away a lot, that was a way for the two of them to bond and for our son to get that contact with his dad. I didn't sleep in another room or bed, though. If they spread out too far and I was getting pushed out, I'd take our son and lay him in his bed, shove my husband back over to his side, and fall back asleep.

I'm totally fine with co-sleeping if it's done safely so as not to put a baby at risk and does not displace a spouse. Babies and young children have millions of years of ancestral memory telling them that if they're alone at night they will be eaten by wolves, freeze to death, or starve.

Not only should kids sleep in their own beds, I'm one of those horrible people that adults should sleep in their own beds too. That way they can get some sleep, or watch TV or read, whenever they want, without bothering their partner.

I was a school psychologist, and we had a meeting with both parents one day about their child (who was having learning problems). As the discussion went along, the school counselor asked if their son was getting enough sleep (time to bed, time waking up, etc.). In their answer, the parents referenced that they ALL slept in the same bed: Father, mother, 15-year-old daughter, 9-year-old son, and their 4-year-old (can't remember if the youngest was a boy or girl). That's 5 people in one bed.

After a moment of silence when everyone was thinking of what to say next, I stepped into it and asked, "Why?"

The parents were a bit put off by my question and gave a rambling answer, saying that they've always done this and there's nothing wrong with it. At the end, they added that this was part of their culture. They were hispanic, but well-integrated into U.S. society (probably a couple generations, at least).

I commented that it might be better for the boy to sleep in his own bed, so as to make sure he gets enough sleep without a lot of bodies around.

The principal told me later that these parents requested that I not attend and future meetings with them because they did not appreciate my questioning their sleeping arrangements.

That way, the child could come sleep in there at times, and not crowd his parent/parents out of bed.