Because of mormonism, I am always afraid. Afraid of what my family will think of my actions. Afraid of what others will think of my actions. How do you guys get rid of this fear?
You start by thinking, "screw 'em". You know they will judge you, and that many of them will be cruel. You get over it by speaking your mind and letting them make asses of themselves. You get over it by knowing that you are right. They can act like jerks all they want, but you have to be confident that it's them, not you. Bummer to be them. You also get over it by feeling sorry for them.
Practice. When I pick up coffee at the grocery store, I have not even the tiniest twinge of guilt. Buying coffee is about as controversial as buying apples.
It was not always thus. But if you do it enough times, the taboo does completely wear away. I regularly cross the border into Canada. Initially, when questioned by the border patrol/customs people, I would have confessed to the Lindburgh kidnapping, had they asked. This is a typical reaction for most people, BTW.
Now I have gone across the border either to or from Canada about 200 times in the last 40 years. If I were connected to a polygraph, you wouldn't see a blip anymore. I simply know that even if something comes up (and stuff has come up in the past - I bought a car in Canada, and brought merchandise for other people across the border), I have played by the rules, my paperwork is in order, and I can solve whatever it is.
I might be wrong. Sh*t happens, even when all the ducks are in a row. But I don't spend any time agonizing over it.
What Brother of Jerry says about "practice" is true. After driving on the freeways all my life in L.A., I moved out of state and didn't drive on big roadways or freeways for about 5 years. Then when I moved back to Los Angeles, I began having panic attacks. I couldn't force myself to even drive down the street, much less the freeway. Finally I got over my fear by driving a block, then 5, then to several cities away. One day I got lost, and was so disoriented, that I was forced to get on the freeway to get home. It worked! My phobia was over and I felt so proud.
When I was Mormon I felt invisible and lonely. I have to force myself to go to social functions now because I always have that terrible feeling that I won't fit in, just like I didn't fit in at BYU or in Church. I noticed when I make myself go to a new place, where there are new people, I generally leave feeling pretty happy. I am a lifelong bookworm and loner. But my husband encourages me to get out of the house and he is right to encourage me. Sometimes being holed up by yourself is not very healthy.
I cannot imagine what those of you with close active Mormon families must be going through in your quest to break the bonds of the cult. You know the real truth.
try changing your paradigm. You should not be in fear. The pschology of Mormonism has stunted and retarded the minds of those YOU FEAR. Have compassion for them--love them...But thier irrational thought process should not put you in fear - I know it is easier said than done (particularly at first) but YOU need to start viewing the conflict construct for what it is.
This fear is the issue with brainwashing, or over-socialization. You have come to believe that you exist only in the minds of others. It's the essence of co-dependency. If people think badly of you, you cease to exist. It's the thinking of a child. It's the reason Mormon art so prominently features children. Come to Jesus as a child, meaning utterly helpless. Mormonism is a teaching like Santa or Cinderella. If you want a new bicycle, you aren't capable of going out and earning the money to buy one--or start a bike company! No, you've got to beg Santa, and hope he'll deliver. If you want to go to the ball, you can't leave home, and become capable of hosting your own ball and inviting whom you want. That's the prerogative only of princes. Your mommy can prevent you from going forever, unless a better mommy--your fairy godmother--shows up to overrule her. You're always a victim, a child, subject to the whims of others.
The solution is to grow up, and develop an identity that continues on regardless of the thoughts and opinions of others. Believe in yourself.
Mormons aren't the only ones suffering with this problem, it's just that cults capitalize on the effects of over-socialization to keep their members infantalized and dependent and in perpetual service to the cult.
I think there's also a great deal of health in becoming able to laugh about the Mormon Church institutions and leaders.
The Salamander Society slamtoons are one fun way to do this.
Taking the power out of these people and institutions can go a long way to reducing the fear. It's helpful to strip these people of their halo of respectability. Let's face it the leaders are silly. Up there talking syrup laden voices about the supernal joys in store for those who endure their boring meetings, boring temple, and boring firesides.
I know that fear, and it's real. It takes some time, and good laughs, and learning to believe in yourself (see MCR above on that).
Mormonism is virulent when it comes to instilling buttons in you that they can push. The programming process begins at birth and continues until you die. The recent lowering of the missionary age was specifically designed to eliminate that year between high school graduation and start of the mission where the kid goes away to college and the Morg loses a bit of control over them.
You mentioned fear of your family finding out your thoughts and beliefs. Mormonism is insidious in how it hijacks family relations and turns them into church relations. It's terrible that we think our parents and siblings love for us depends on our standing with regard to Mormonism. What's worse is that in so many cases that is true. I recall more than once a woman standing up in FT meeting being thankful that her husband put the Church first. That saying such things is totally acceptable by the membership speaks volumes.
The standard advice about such fears is that "action overcomes fear." The way to overcome being paralyzed with fear is to act in the face of fear. So here's my advice, for what it's worth:
(1) If your family asks any questions answer them truthfully and succinctly. Don't go into details or try to convert them, but give a short, honest answer that deals with the question.
(2) If they attack your character because of your answer ("you just want to sin," "you're not a sincere seeker of truth," "you want to take the easy way out" etc.) point out that you didn't attack their character (i.e. you didn't say "you are all deluded," or "you don't want to look at the evidence because you're afraid of the truth") and you would appreciate it if they didn't attack yours.
(3) Tell them that you are not condemning, or attacking, or preaching to them for believing in Mormonism and you'd appreciate the same treatment in return.
When someone is afraid to be themselves with their own family something is wrong. When a LOT of people in a certain group have this problem then something's wrong with the group.
Other than what's already been suggested my advise would be to break down this general anxiety into concrete situations. Things are always more scary when we have no clear picture of them. Some fears are rational, for example you might be kicked out of home by your tbm parents if you live with them and refuse to go church. Alot of fears though are irrational, nobody in the store will think much about that beer among your groceries, nobody in starbucks will judge you for drinking a cup of coffee, those mormons you might run into in the mall has no right to judge you since it them, not you, that shouldn't be there e.t.c.
When you break it down to the everyday reality we live in and put these anxieties to the test of scrutiny I think you'll find much of it just disappearing. Time, training and scrutiny and turning the table (how about your views and feelings about your family, friends and others!?) does make the fear go away. I've been in similar shoes, I think you'll be just fine.
You may never get completely over a religion especially if you have a type of personality that worries about issues in general. All of the advice we can generate may not work for you specifically. In the end, you may need to speak with a professional whom can give you individual advice. Don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about your emotional anxiety...they can guide you in a path that is usually logical and evidence based.
However, we also all had uncertainty as to what the cost would be - the cost of our families, spouses, children. The final act of leaving required the acceptance of this uncertainty and the acceptance of the certainty that the church was a fraud. Seldom do people resign or leave permanently unless they are sure, sure enough to risk everything they have.
The cost of leaving TSCC is akin to the cost faced by the early Christians. Though we may not face physical torture or physical death for our beliefs (or unbelief) we can face a psychological torture and inward death for the knowledge we have. We also know that where TSCC could do it, the Danites did torture and kill those who have the audacity to leave moism. TSCC is not far removed from that time. There was a good reason BY chose Daniel H. Wells as his 2nd counselor, a man who had condemned a man to death before becoming a Mormon, for the purpose of carrying out "the Mosaic Law" - failing to understand Christ. There is little wonder of the BY statements on blood atonement.
As an historical sidelight, the case in 1839 was one where Abe Lincoln represented the accused. Lincoln won the congressional district including Nauvoo in 1844 but was defeated in 1846 for having opposed the Mexican War. Interestingly, it was that war which brought the area including Utah into the possession of the United States. The case in 1839 was against William Fraime, the only man ever legally hung in Hancock County.
One additional historical fact which one can view today at the Nauvoo Temple, facing Wells Ave., named for the above Wells. A most self-righteous follower of blood atonement.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/25/2013 09:26PM by rhgc.