Aka why am I playing with fire? I kissed a coworker at a bar one night when i was at a work event. I wrote it off as a drunken moment but then I saw him again and kissed him a 2nd time. Wtf is going through my head?? I am married, he is married. My husband worships me and has always loved and adored me. He is so great. But he would be ticked about this. So why do I have feelings for this other man and want to do dirty things to him? Why am I so tempted by this? I wouldnt have been in this position two years ago when i was still going to church. how can I fix things before I f up my life ? Anyone been here before?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/06/2013 03:53AM by Susan I/S.

Fire, you're playing with.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/06/2013 03:53AM by Susan I/S.

Yoda is not helping! I need some real advice.

Actually, Yoda is correct.

You're smitten. It happens. But if you act any further on it, you might get in over your head.

Just keep reminding yourself that this man has any number of annoying habits just like any other man. Try to take the blinders off.

"My husband worships me and has always loved and adored me. He is so great"

And yet you're cheating on him. He's great because he worships you, and not because you respect him. That's the impression I get. He's great because he makes you feel good. Do you care about how he feels? Not enough, apparently.

Oh, and prepared to get burned. You already cheated, that means you either confess to your husband like a decent human being, or continue this charade in the dark behind his back and live a lie. The choice is yours.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/06/2013 06:48AM by greekgod.

+1

Additionally:
You are *drunk* at a work event? Another bad move. Having a drink at a work event is not a problem. Getting drunk and behaving badly can impact your career negatively, even if it is a work "party." It's still work-related.

You kissed him at a work event in front of other co-workers?

If your behavior was only kept in-check when you were a Mormon with fears of church-imposed punishment, it's time to develop a moral compass. If what you're claiming in your post is true, immaturity seems to be another contributing issue. Time to grow up.

BTW, welcome to the board, Kate. Interesting first post that features the "I wouldn't have 'sinned' had I not left the Church" theme.

As usual, I completely agree.

Buck up sister, figure out your priorities and grow up a bit.

Asking why isn't a valid point.

You need to get a grip.

Asking why can be quite the valid point, actually.

I'll give you the why although it doesn't matter.

The guy is attractive and you are human. You only see him when he's dressed nicely and never when he's sick in bed or filthy from crawling under the house with a bug sprayer. It's the cleaned-up unrealistic ideal you're falling for and you don't have the maturity or good sense to act like a decent human being.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/06/2013 10:44AM by Cheryl.

Sorry, I have no idea what you are talking about. When I was a single divorced TBM female, I was constantly being hit-on by married men in the Mormon church. Many wives were snarky and jealous, though I didn't have any interest in Mormon married, sweaty polyester garment-wearing, lying, chauvinistic, racist, arrogant, pot-bellied, priesthood-holders.

Your coworker is probably a gem of a man, and you've never met one before.

Maybe you should go back to church, and surround yourself by weird, unattractive men again. There's temptation out here in real life!

Playing on Sundays
Coffee, tea
Hot chocolate
Booze
Good looking, healthy, tanned, outdoorsy men.
Flirty, friendly, smiling, physically fit women.
Loud laughter
Pleasure
Optimism
Sunshine
Freedom
And the list just goes on.

Live a little. Make a friend. Mormons think drinkers are alcoholics, and that you can't be friends with a member of the opposite sex without engaging in physical intimacy. Lighten up!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/06/2013 03:54AM by Susan I/S.

I'd bang him but hey, I'm Diablo.

I would call that a symptom of a problem. Something has gone south in your relationship with your spouse. I think that needs to be addressed before you get involved with someone else.

You obviously have some unaddressed issue with your husband. Maybe you have the 7 year itch, maybe you're bored, maybe you married too young. I don't know, only you know, but I do not think this is normal for a supposedly happily married woman.

This sounds like something an unhappily married woman or a woman not fulfilled by her marriage would be doing.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/06/2013 09:13AM by charpop705.

"I wouldnt have been in this position two years ago when i was still going to church."

What does attending a church have to do with it?

It's normal to find other people attractive and/or develop crushes even when you're in a relationship. These are normal, healthy feelings. What you do about those feelings is another matter. Acting on them when that action hurts someone you love is probably not a good idea. If you love your husband, make the decision to not act on your feelings towards the other man. IOW, don't be like Joseph Smith. ;-)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/07/2013 03:18PM by Susan I/S.

Gotta set the wayback machine, though. It starts out slow, but picks up....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZuRyouEOUJ8

Come on, Kate. Really? Church has nothing to do with whether you are tempted or not. You either do the right thing or the wrong thing. You either betray your husband or you don't. There are plenty of religious people who cheat on their spouses then get up the next day in fast and testimony meeting.
I know a couple who met at sacrament meeting, starting singing and playing music together and both left their families with children to be together. Now they are married. So it happens right in sacrament meeting.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/06/2013 10:31AM by snuckafoodberry.

Exactly.

Religion is not the issue. There are plenty of people going to church who have affairs then cry and write it off because "Jesus forgave me!" They just have a different justification mechanism.

You did it because you are human and have hormones. You're going to have to weigh the benefits and consequences. You have a lot to lose. Weigh the risk of hurting someone and trust issues.

I suppose you could go back to church if you think it would fix the problem.


Otherwise, I would ask just what is it about this guy that makes him worth risking everything you have that's going right in your life?

He's obviously a liar, a cheat, and not loyal. Nice traits in a boyfriend.

+1

+1

Plenty of active Mormons of both sexes cheat. That's not what it is really about.

First, I agree with the other poster that you don't respect your husband. Your only comments about him are about how he treats you, nothing really about him.

Second, do you really want to be with a man who can kiss another woman when he's married? What happens to you when he's tired of you, just like he's tired of his wife now... Oh wait, you're tired of your husband, so I guess you know what happens.

It may sound like I don't have much sympathy for you... You'd be right. You control your actions. You do. I'm assuming you're an adult, so be one and either admit that you no longer want to be married to the man you're married to, or learn to control yourself. Start making adult decisions.

Using your disassociation from church as an excuse doesn't hold water. You are the same person now as you were in church, you are making the decisions, just like you would have as a member of the church. Saying that you don't have the church to guide you is crap. Don't use alcohol either, you put yourself in that situation where it could happen, twice. You are not a victim here. Your husband is, the other man's wife is, you are not.

Keep going down this road and you will hurt a lot of people, your husband, the other man's wife, friends and family, coworkers, etc. All because you decided that you wanted to have a little fun without thinking about the cost.

Maybe you're not mature enough to be in a committed relationship?

Knock off the blame game and take responsibility for your actions for once. What are you, a silly schoolgirl?

No sympathy here.

I know several people who have had affairs with people they had contact with in the church. This is not about church.

This is about keeping your word and staying true to the contract you signed (a marriage license is a legally binding contract). Either break the contract and be single and free to do as you wish with whom you wish, or keep the contract and stay away from your co-worker

Is this from drunken events? In that case, what is "wrong" with you might be the alcohol. Stop it and see if that fixes you! :-)

Stop it.
Or don't and wreak havoc.
Maybe you're drawn to drama.
That's a sign of immaturity.
So, stop it.
Or don't.

My advice.

Spend some time thinking, really thinking about this question:

What do you REALLY want out of this? Forget what is "bad" forget about being "horrible" just think about what you really want.

That is up to you what you really want out of this, but I suspect continuing your actions with your coworker are not aligned with what you really want.

If this is something you want but aren't because you shouldn't you will eventually do it anyway. So honestly ask yourself is this really what you want - taking into account what it really is you are going to get.

As a corollary, what is missing in your relationship with your husband? What are you getting with this that you aren't getting there. Is there a way to adjust your relationship, put more energy in your relationship, and ask your husband to work with you to make those things happen there?

For example, maybe you are missing the excitement - things have gotten too routine and there is little thrill and excitement left. Maybe there is not the sense of being pursued. It takes work but those things can be re-added with some work and creativity.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/06/2013 12:54PM by The Oncoming Storm - bc.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to do dirty things to your co-worker.

What's wrong is continuing in a marriage that obviously doesn't make you happy.

So, divorce your husband and stay single. That way you can do dirty things to whoever you want.

Exactly - you know the old saying "when you marry your mistress, you create a job opening." This guy may be sexy. You may connect with him in ways you don't with your husband. Maybe it's about the excitement. Maybe deep down you don't feel like you deserve to be adored by your husband and so don't respect him for being so devoted to you. But it isn't about religion because people are basically the same in the church as they are outside the church. The only thing that really changes is your willingness to wear the Mormon mask and pretend you fit into the Mormon image.

I think you need to look at your relationship with your husband and see what's missing. And then make the sacrifices necessary to fix things. This guy may seem exciting now but could you ever really trust him? If not, (and I don't think you should) then he's not worth ripping apart your life for.

This feeling of infatuation is fun. It is not a feeling you'll ever have again with your spouse. The only way to feel this is to try new people, and it is a slippery slope from a flirty wink to jumping in the sack.

You must decide. There is no magic here. You will sacrifice something...either your flirty fun or your fidelity.

the church has nothing to do with the decisions you are making now.

You have a crush on someone. You are married to someone else. Choose. It really is that simple.