New to this board? Just browsing? What's your story? And what brought you hear? Still a believer or doubting? Don't be scared! Go anon. I'd love to know more!

I used to post on the board a couple of years ago under the name mariar, or something, but I couldn't remember what my screen name was, so I registered as something I thought was funnier.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/05/2013 12:17PM by tapirsaddle.

You're right, it is funny. ;)

I lurked here alot when I first bailed from TSCC. I was too afraid to post, fearing my husband would see the site on our internet history. Reading anti-church stuff would've been disappointing to him, but actively posting would've earned me a serious scolding. He was horribly controlling back then (about 10 ish years ago).

It turned out I just needed to give him a little time. The excessive control was a result of his TBM upbringing, his default way of handling scary changes in life, like our relationship tension, our below poverty line living conditions, and two-year-old twin boys. He thought if he was priestly enough, ran a tight-enough ship, that miraculous bags of groceries and diapers would appear on the doorstep, jus t like you hear at F&T or read in Ensign. I had been an enthusiastic convert at first, honestly obedient through my first year in anticipation of being sealed for time and eternity to my very much loved ( despite the control issues) husband.

After our uninspiring endowment/ wedding, the birth of our twins and loss of my full-time income, my interest in being Mrs. Molly Perfect waned. I began to see and be sickened by the facade of LDS life. Having never had exposure to organized religion before, I began to read non-mo Christian sources, thinking this would deepen my faith. LOL! It was great information, but not so good for a Mormon testimony. No wonder the authorities discourage the membership reading anything but the officially sanctioned BS. I realized that I couldn't do this anymore. It was far too reminiscent of my abusive childhood--the picture of domestic bliss on the surface and nothing but sick manipulation, lies, and criminal misuse of power and family love underneath.

I liked this board. I liked the anger of some people, so like my own. I liked the humor and the willingness to expose the lies, past and present, of the GAs. I liked the ease with which long-term exmos had about their decision to leave and their reassurance that it was all just smoke and mirrors, and that the fear of retaliation/damnation would disappear once I finally realized that I was the one allowing them to project their illusion of authority onto me.

You know what? More than 10 years later I can say that I barely think about TSCC, have no anxieties about leaving, and can laugh a little at the sad, sick mentality of TBMs like my in-laws. My husband left not long after I did, and as he let go of the cult he also let go of trying to squash his family and himself into the Mo mold.

Lots of good things have happened. Lots of bad things have happened. It has been, in short, a regular modern life. I don't see God's punishing hand in the bad things, and I sure don't see priesthood power in the good things. It's just us, and that's just fine.

When Mrs. Monson died a few weeks ago I experienced a weird kind of combination nostalgia/PTSD about my time as a "Saint". I came back here to see what the board had to say, and this time wasn't afraid to post. If some TBM lurker here recognizes me, so what? They're a member of a nineteenth century hillbilly sex magick boys' club fraud scheme. How on earth can anyone not laugh at being judged deficient by someone who believes in a pedophilic misogynist deity that requires handshakes and passwords? I have to laugh at my own gullibility, too. I once believed. Or tried to force myself to believe, with some of the truly weird stuff.

I miss the young woman I was, the one who'd been beaten for as long as she could remember, the one who was so desperate for love that she assumed these good, clean living people knew everything and could erase the old, 'bad' her and make her something new and special. She was a really nice kid, that old me. The LDS did me a favor in making me a little less nice, a lot less trusting. I haven't fallen for any BS scam like that since, and have made sure my boys are having as guilt-free of an adolescence as possible.

Nice to be back and actually talking to you all!

What a great story, so well written. Thanks. So happy you got out with your family.

I still attend church (because I sort of have to still) but try to miss as often as possible. I find church irrelevant, boring, uninspiring and a waste of time. I look around at so many members who walk the walk because they too feel like they have no choice. They say what is "required," jump through the hoops, but their hearts aren't into it. I never pay tithing (but lie about it), I refuse callings, and usually surf Mormonthink, exmormon and other sites on my kindle or phone while at church.

Right now, life is extremely depressing. I don't know what else to say.

Thanks, passing through. I'm still in the middle of my "crisis" and not sure how I will decide.

To be honest, it makes church more enjoyable in some aspects. You asked about my callings and how I get out of them. I simply say "no." I offer no explination. Just "NO!" It's actually funny to see the reactions that I get.

Hi tightuntoadish,

I'm curious, how do you go about refusing callings? What did you say to get them to back off?

I tried refusing once. I had 6 month old twins and the bishop wanted me to mind the nursery. Nothing more spiritually beneficial, he thought, than having my recently postpartum, sleep-deprived self spend time with toddlers. I thought it was an invitation from hell, and told him that I'd been drawn to the idea of resurrecting the ward's horribly mangled library. It was quiet, it was alone, it had no tiny wailing humans without bowel control.

The bish gave me the weirdest look. I think maybe he hadn't been told his divine callings were off the mark before, or maybe he was astonished that a woman would not be gushing with joy at the thought of extra mothering to do. He acted as if I hadn't spoken English and repeated himself, adding that Heavenly Father was the one doing the asking. Later he told my husband to spend more time educating me on the sanctity of priesthood authority.

I said yes, but then skipped the next 6 Sundays, complaining of "nursing difficulties" with the twins. Somebody else took the nursery spot, so I started going again. The old Bishop got released and the new one kept trying to get me into his office, but I wouldnt return his call and hid from him on Sunday in the women's bathroom.

I left for good about six months later and for about 5 years the ward kept calling me to see if I would sub in the nursery. I had to move out of state before the callings for callings stopped.

I'm sorry you feel depressed, 'dish. Do you know what it is that you really want, deep down? I don't know you or your situation, but I encourage you to move towards spending your time the way YOU want, be around those who make YOU happy, even if that feels forbidden or wrong or selfish to you. It's ok to find something/somewherethat completely makes you forget about all things LDS for a while.

I hope you feel better soon.