This forum is an awesome recovery tool.

One aspect of my recovery from mormonism has been to dredge up childhood memories and confront them in the light.

When I was about 14 some chucklehead from the bishopric decided he was going to take me to collect "fast offerings" from inactive members (people who hate the cult).

He made me go knock on people's doors and beg for money.

That fucking church sent me out when I was 14 to beg for money from strangers.

Needless to say I threw a complete $hit-fit and even threatened to physically hurt my mom.

What kind of people do $hit like this to a little kid. To this day I cannot stand my mom.

Hear that mormon church.

I don't like my mom because she is a brain-washed idiot and blames me for all the bad things that happen to her.

They really do like to break up families.

Thank you for allowing me to vent.

I hear you!!!. one of my memories is of my younger brother getting physically abused. My brother was in a sunday school class sitting next to the accordion divider that separates the chapel from the cultural hall. he leaned back in forth moving the curtain. Some mother priesthood focker got all pissed off opened the curtain and grabbed my 12 year old brother lifting him out of the chair and hitting him.

My parents found out and did nothing NOTHING. I would of filed charges against the fock. There were plenty of witnesses.

anon for this Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> That fucking church sent me out when I was 14 to
> beg for money from strangers.



Exactly, why couldn't they just do it themselves? Also, I absolutely hated this one creepy young men leader who would volunteer me for those tasks, and force me to button the top button on my shirt and tighten up my tie every day at church.

They always make the little boys do the dirty work like collecting money. While the adults stuff their faces after church and other adults ask the kids if they masturbated that week. Absolutley no fun for anyone(except the ones who get their jollies asking the sex questions). This Cult takes all the fun out of life.

I remember they made me wear a tie to serve the cannabilism ritual, I mean the sacrament.

I hated ties and refused to wear one. The solution was I would carry a clip on tie in my back pocket and put it on right before the CR and remove it right after the CR. This of course lead people to think that I had a bad attitude and there was something wrong with me.

35 years later and I have zero respect for my parents. They continue to manifest the lie and try to guilt me into coming back to the cult and I cannot accept that. My parents are complete idiots who have their heads so far up their asses they can see out their nostrils.

I hate this cult with all my heart and all mormons are the disciples of Lucifer.

I was a TBM single mother, and had to go to church early every Sunday to play the organ/piano. My sons had two paper routes, and on Sunday mornings, we would get up extra early to get the huge Sunday papers folded and delivered--sometimes in a snowstorm. Sometimes, my boys would go back to bed. Whenever they were late for priesthood meeting, the leaders (grown men) would break into my house and into the boys' bedrooms and yank them out of bed onto the floor, and kick them around with their feet, until they got up. They would force my boys to get dressed without showering or combing their hair, and literally butt-kick them up the stairs and into their car. They would hold them hostage for the two hours of Priesthood and YM meetings, while the other boys teased them about their bed-heads, and sloppy appearance. This happened many times. One time my youngest son was very sick with a fever, and I couldn't find a substitute, so I had to go play the organ. (When we were TBM's we never thought we had a choice: to just say "NO".) The Priesthood teacher brought the whole class over to our house, and pulled my son out of bed, and held class in my living room.

I didn't know any of this was going on, except once, for an activity night, when I asked the bully priesthood leaders to leave my house. I had to tell them several times, "I am head of this household, and I am telling you that my sons are going to do their homework tonight. Please leave."

My sons had been threatened not to tell. They also said I would punish my sons. When they did tell me, I said that I was always on their side, and I loved them. I said that child-beating and bullying is not Christ's path, and they never had to go to that church again--ever. We all cried. We resigned together, with my daughters. My daughters were also abused, but that's two other awful stories. Words can't express how much I hate that evil cult.

Joy...that is heart breaking what the cult did to you and your kids.

One thing I took from your post is how truly abused women are in the cult. I was fortunate being a male of large stature and could probably physically dominate the entire bishopric by the time I was 14. I felt empowered to not have to take any crap from any mormons and I would flip out when I got pressed.

It must be truly frustrating to feel like you have no recourse against the abusers. I guarantee if you were able to beat the $hit out of those idiots they wouldn't have taken such liberties with you.

Maybe I should start a protection racket for mormon females.

Call me the Godfather.

Funny how memories just pop up at strange times huh?

We all have many many reasons to hate the cult.

I have been out 17 years, and still I suffer. My self esteem is still in tatters.. I still cringe at the thought of job interviews or assessments..
I cry when I get any kind of rejection and I find it very hard to forgive myself for making mistakes or screwing up. I got fired once because I just wasn't doing a good job, and I still feel terrible about that! I still beat myself up about that, and that was years ago. I still play that scene over and over in my head at times. The same with many other moments when I said or did something wrong.

I am 45 years old for F's sake! I should be feeling like a grown up by now you'd think!?

But it's so hard to crawl out of that hole of always needing to be perfect, and of feeling like a constant failure.

I got asked just recently by a tbm; Why can't you just let it go!?

Well I'll tell you why!
Because that stupid cult damaged me.
It crushed my soul

and I hate it.

I really really HATE that cult!

I also can't let things go. I remember things that happened to me when I was 13 (damn near 50 years ago), and I wonder why I didn't stand up to that teacher who abused me? Why didn't I just walk away?

Things that happened over the years keep coming back - embarrassing things, things I've done wrong, things that have happened to me. I think about them, get embarrassed about them again, get angry about them again...

How DOES one "let it go?"

Ragnar Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>> How DOES one "let it go?"

try this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwZQn65r_60

Becca Wrote, in part:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I have been out 17 years, and still I suffer. My
> self esteem is still in tatters.. I still cringe
> at the thought of job interviews or assessments..
>
> I cry when I get any kind of rejection and I find
> it very hard to forgive myself for making mistakes
> or screwing up. I got fired once because I just
> wasn't doing a good job, and I still feel terrible
> about that! I still beat myself up about that, and
> that was years ago. I still play that scene over
> and over in my head at times. The same with many
> other moments when I said or did something wrong.
>==================================================

Hey, are we sisters? I feel just like this so much of the time, even at the ripe age of 59, and I'm a never-mo. Nothing I ever did was good enough, and I tried so hard.

On top of that I was so "drab and plain" as my mother called it that she dyed my hair when I was 5 years old because it was such an ugly poop brown color... and when I was a bit older she pushed me to wear more makeup.

I look in the mirror and that homely little girl peers back at me, wondering when in the hell I'll get over it so the past can't bite me in the @$$ any more!

Sorry... did NOT mean to hijack the thread.

I think we almost stop emotionally progressing in a certain way after a traumatic experience as children/teenagers. I know that at age 13 I was about 10 lbs overweight and all the other girls were stick thin and blonde, so I started to hate myself. I was bullied to a degree at that age as well.

Fast forward 20 years, I'm the only one from my high school class that is still thin, in great shape and looks good, but when I look in the mirror I see that overweight 13 year old girl and I don't think that will ever go away. So I know what you mean Doxi.

I can't imagine growing up in the church. My heart goes out to all of you that were hurt and emotionally and physically damaged as a result. Joy, I'm in absolute shock that these men did this to your children. I just can't pull my mouth up off the floor. To break into your home and treat your sons that way! They truly thought they were above the law and obviously thought they controlled you. I'm so happy you had the strength and courage to leave!