Feeling a bit low and it is so good to have RFM to 'post'.
Had a friend stay over on way to a wedding. Very much a TBM. Not sure they have grasped how far away from church I am at the moment. Anyway, their main conversation was church and church related things.
It makes them so happy and me so sad as I had a sudden realisation of how I have moved on. I did not care who had married who, who the new temple pres was going to be, how someone had been told if their children did not got to youth they would have not social skills and hey, they did not listen and now only one out of 8 are married. More besides.
They are so happy with the church, just as I use to be. I yet they did not pick up on my feelings.
Am I missing something?
How long did it take you all to stop feeling a loss from leaving the church? You are all correct when you describe it as a grief process.
I mentioned to hubby that maybe I should go back, then he pointed out church did not make me happy
Some members are still friends. Did any of you find cutting everyone off the best option?
who would have thought exiting from a religion so difficult. It is ingrained in me. I feel one step forward and then back I go. It is a right pain. Maybe I over think things and should find new interests.
Thank you for being here.

Usually friendships begin because of a shared interest or activity. But to survive in the long run, it is best to broaden the base of interests.

Someone who can *only* talk about church is a very narrow individual. Look for people who have a broader range of interests. Or try to redirect conversations so that you are discussing other subjects.

Being happy and pretending to be happy are two things.

Yup I pretended so hard to be happy.

Stay strong. You are going through normal phase of life.I think you should find another church perhaps? (Catholics example?) or other activities and new friends. I think you should not cut anyone out of your life, but you should tell them that you are no longer a Mormon and then you will know, who are your real friends and who are just fake Mormon friends.

Good luck.

Life within mormonism is pre-packaged and ready-to-go. No thinking, no searching, everything is done. Obedience (and money) is all that's required. And it's scary to venture outside of that life when it's what we've always known.

How long? Depends on the person.

Now I look at mormons as shallow. It's as if they live in a fishbowl. Some are happy in their sheltered fishbowl. But there's so much more out there.

I still have mormon friends and acquaintances, and of course, family. Sometimes those can be maintained; others not. There is no one-answer-fits all.

I think you're on-course, and doing fine. Best wishes.

If you live on the Wasatch Front (Utah) there are some excellent outdoor clubs:

http://www.bccutah.org/

http://wasatchmountainclub.org/admin/menu.php

They have a lot of Sunday activities, which tends to guarantee there will not be Mormons participating.

The WMC sponsers some easy beginner hikes to get started, in case your physical conditioning needs to be gently upgraded.

If you live in other areas you may be able to find outdoors clubs in your location. Do some Google searches to find them.

Change is hard. Just as you describe, though, you can't make yourself care about their inane prattle any longer. You have realized that most of what they concern themselves with just doesn't matter one tiny iota in the real world. It's like trying to be content with Candy Land after learning to play chess.

I think it is kind of sad that your world is so closed you have only one subject to talk about. It shows how isolated socailly they are.

my daughters both have friends from earlier times in life stay over with them, and plan weekends around them. I have friends from earlier times and other places stay the night when passing through to visit grown children as well. I have noticed if you focus on their career, or their children, their surgery recovery, their child's illness path, anything in common with your own current life, you can deflect the conversation. However I try to make the conversation about them, not about me, whenever anyone is present in my company -very unlike my typing ; )
if you deflect them and redirect them, yet keep the conversation topic hoovering around them- it will keep them happy & connected.

then its up to you to decide if you, the hostess, was satisfied.
There's always exciting new implements or gourmet pans with which to experiment, or shared on line recipes to you tube and fix then share or compare if they're there to cook, or recreate earlier days life in the same place running an errand together, gathering food and making it together side by side again.

then again, possibly its time for additional friends. new books to read. new trails to walk. with others who can best keep up. Why not? or begin to gather aquaintances from your specialty at work, your college major, your convention friends, fellow presenters at conventions, other rock hounds, people who actually frequent your intellectual or physical "trails" or daily path- right now. Some of the greatest people you walk right past- each gathering your photographs along the same national park path- on your way back to your professional lifes doing the same thing albeit twenty or two hundred miles, side by side in often parallel lives. Like walking together on trails or beaches still? What I'm noticing is others who have heard him, enjoy walking with him as he's talking latin names of local plants or rock origin, and that isn't changing- some things aren't changing or getting less enjoyable for those who enjoyed the same stuff thirty years ago or twenty years ago, or ten minutes from now.

maybe you could find that stuff to focus on, after you drag them out of the kitchen, or like include them on a walk not just their own path through your life.

Think of it this way:

I've seen lots of happy drunks, but do you really want to go through life drunk?

I must remember this one!

Nice

I personally did not feel the grief. I felt so relieved, a great weight off my shoulders. And while I hoped never to have to cross swords with Mormon friends, I was ready to walk away from any of them if their behavior toward me was wrong. Thankfully, it never really happened, and I think that honesty was a good policy for me.

I never felt loss or grief or regret as I took the perspective that I was changing my mind about my religious beliefs. Then I filled my life with other things: school, organizations, etc.

The sad part comes when you realize you are not a real part of your friends anymore. They don't get you and you don't get them. I get sad when my husband and father in law and sometimes their church acquaintances talk about all the church buzz right in front of me like I'm not even there, cutting me entirely out of the conversation. I also suspect they do this to preach at me. But if I say one bad thing they get really mad so it forces me into silence and alienation. This happened to me today at breakfast. My father in law says to my husband, "I have a friend at church who knows a guy he works with he's trying to convert and the potential convert always has things to say about why it doesn't make sense". Then my father in law's eyes glazed over so as to look other worldly and he said his friend told the guy, "Yeah but wouldn't it be wonderful if it were true?" And the guy at work responded, "It sure would".
I have to sit and listen to this kind of talk and I find that it really depresses me. My husband and me are so different from each other now.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/27/2013 10:41PM by snuckafoodberry.

I learned a lot about my so called friends here when I resigned. First, when I lived here years ago as a TBM the sisters my age were all married with young children and didn't want much to do with me. After I moved away and became employed at Ricks College I seemed to gain some kind special status and recognition as existing in the same world as theirs. When I moved back to live here for a year these same women suddenly saw me as their friend when I really didn't know any of them very well. I was always getting invitations to come over or go to the movies. Then I moved away again and found a job in California. Returned once again as an apostate. I run into them at the grocery store and on the street and barely get a greeting beyond an acknowledgement when I say hello to them. My how their "friendship" has come full circle.

The question you ask is a good one and the answer is it all depends on how long you were part of the cult and how much of a TBM you were during that time.

If you are like many who post here, your cult indoctrination went on for years perhaps since you were a child and if that is the case you can expect it to take several years before you don't feel that "lose" because the church was your life and you had now in essence lost your life.

I know it was that way for me. I was a fish out of water and had no idea what to do with myself.

The fact that you mention you still have "Friends" who are LDS tells me you are not really out yet and you probably have some much harder times yet to face I hate to tell you that but it might every well be true.

Mormon's only have two kinds of friends, other Mormon's and people they are trying to save or convert. Your "Friends" still think they can save you evidently and once they find out they can't you are going to be in for the shock of your life!

They will turn on you and you will be seen by them as something to avoid and they will justify themselves by shunning you by believing that they should protect themselves against the apostate which is what you are once they don't believe you can be saved anymore or aren't interested in being saved anymore.

Until you go through that phase of leaving you haven't really left yet. Mormon's don't have just normal friends outside the church who are not being looked at as someone who is "ok" but they are just not members. There is no such thing in the TBM life.

So hang in there and know that you are not alone, there is life outside of the LDS church and it's a much better life than they wanted you to know it was when you were in the church.

Good luck