Reading the previous BPD thread prompted me to start another one. I was diagnosed with BPD 7 years ago and it was a huge relief to know why I acted this way and there is a way to be happy, let me emphasize this, no one can be completely cured from this personality disorder, it's something that I have to constantly keep in check but with the help with cognitive behavior therapy and a strong support team it is possible to know what normal is. It was the most difficult thing I ever had to do, to change my way of thinking after 37 years is hard but if you want to change it is possible; you can't change what you don't agnowledge and until that happens every effort to get the person to get help is useless. I was also extremely lucky to have a support team that stood by me and I'm forever grateful for them. You know you're different but you don't know why, you want to feel better and experience true happiness but you don't know how, people with BPD are very sad inside and cope the only way they know how. I'm not by any means making excuses for their behavior and the people they hurt.

To all the people in the previous thread that have been hurt by a BPD person I'm so sorry, I saw firsthand what my behavior did to people I love and I felt horrible, you have every right to leave the relationship if getting help for the person is impossible, or they dont want to change you don't need to be treated like trash, you have a right to be happy and live you're life with purpose and fulfillment

I just want to let those who had to put up living with a person with BPD know it is possible for a person with BPD to change for the better but unfortunately the statistics show that most don't achieve success

I can only offer a heart felt thank you for posting this, and I'm sorry for what you have and are going through. Thank you especially for acknowledging and not belittling those like me who have real hurts. I also commend you for having the internal strength to get to where you are now.

Thank you for posting this. I was one on the other thread who advised getting out of the relationship quickly, based on the (negative) experience my daughter had in her relationship with a young man with BPD.

I regret that I probably sounded uncompassionate, as I know that you and others with this disorder certainly didn't ask to have it. As I witnessed in my daughter's former partner, life for someone with BPD can be a great struggle. Having said that, few of us are really equipped emotionally and mentally to cope with the needs of someone with BPD, and it often comes down to a choice between one's own mental and emotional health and that of the other individual - certainly so in my daughter's case.

You have my utmost admiration for the way you are dealing with your own BPD, and I hope that you continue to have a positive and happy life.

I have not participated in the thread on BPD but have had a lot of experience with the disorder. My first instinct is to tell people to get away from borderlines as quickly as possible. People can get trapped in relationships with such people and then be unable to escape.

I generally do think that when people wake up to the fact that they are with BPD sufferers, it is best to run for the exits. The notion that borderlines are not violent, mentioned on the last thread, is a case in point. People with that disorder are emotionally and psychologically violent often, and while they are more likely to kill themselves than others they certainly can be physically violent. Some recent studies find that a big chunk of the men in prison for violent crime are borderlines. I think that it is difficult to keep extreme emotional swings and rage from becoming physical, particularly in intense intimate relationships. In any case, the disorder is really tough and potentially dangerous for other people who should probably steer clear from it.

But having said that, I think your point of view is exceptionally helpful. Even if most people who encounter borderlines would be better served by leaving, there are those who love borderlines and seek to find a way to make things work. It is just too easy to say, as I do, that you should run for the exits since in some situations you simply can't. You need a way to make things better. And then there are the borderline sufferers themselves. Knowing what borderlines go through, I must say I respect you greatly. Recognizing such a difficult problem and dealing with it openly and firmly is immensely courageous. My personal experience is that most people with BPD aren't brave to do what you are doing, and my guess is that your obvious strength means that you are doing well. That is a blessing to everyone around you.

It is too easy to just condemn borderlines. Eventually society and psychology need to figure out how to ameliorate the problems and the suffering of people who have BPD.It sounds like you are way ahead of the curve, for which, thank you.

People with BPD can be violent, yes. I have experienced it firsthand. However, I have experienced much more violence at the hands of people without BPD and with other disorders. BPD is one of the only disorders I've seen where the person hates and blames themselves much more than anyone else. I think that men with BPD is also a very interesting topic. The vast, vast majority of BPD sufferers are women, and they are so likely to be violent to themselves and very unlikely to be violent to others. I don't know the statistics on male BPD sufferers because the discussions about it are so rare.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder along with a few other soul killing mental problems. I feel like I am in HELL! What I want to say is I see other things about those who have this condition and the comments are so harsh, not showing any Love, support or anything other thing that crushes us more and more! I know now where this comes from and it was at the begging loosing my Father who had a heart attack and being there to see it! The main thing of this is that I was only "5" years old and knew even at that age how this would changes things! Don't some of you realize that those like us has this with us all the time and we can't escape! We try our best to help our selves with treatment but when you have to stand up against this and having to hear and deal with all the other put downs what can we do!I am so hated by my wife and no support from her but yet my income for my illness can take care of her! Those who are out there that just want to through others away and don't want to Look first at Love your time is coming and you will see how it feels being alone! Payback is a #$^&*! Yiu know what I mean!

Honestly, I have been hurt so much by so many different people with BPD, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than have to deal with another.

Recognize that we have incompatible personalities, and let me be left alone. It is protrcting myself.

Also recognize that it is your BPD that is causing a great deal of extra hurt from people not wanting to deal with other BPDs, the rejection is especially hurtful for you, and I'm sorry for that.

Don't think we don't understand that it is simply who you are (due to traumatic experience) and your pain. Doesn't make me want to deal with BPD any more. It is only in the nature of a viper to kill with its poisonous bite, it bears no malice, doesn't make me want to hug one though. Be sensitive enough to recognize that my trauma is just as real as yours.

Many people who repeatedly get involved in these relationships have mental issues themselves. You might want to examine your own mental health as well.

That would probably apply, if they weren't all family.

Actually, the PDs in your family of origin will cause the most damage from your formative years. Mental issues are likely, however the PD individuals are culpable in the resulting mental issues they have inflicted, such as clinical depression, PTSD, (imagine the trauma and horror the PD person has inflicted to survive with a disorder akin to shell shock!) and codependency issues. These are lesser mental issues, immensely easier to treat.

I used to be lonely around the PDs. They MAKE you feel alone. Now that my life PD free, there is so much more love & happiness in my life, and I'm never lonely. Making room in your life for healthy relationships, for me has been the best move I ever made. I've never been so rich in Love.

I have to state that while I feel your pain, the statement that it's impossible to get over BPD completely is simply untrue. It's very possible, I've seen relatives do it myself. It depends on how severe your case is to begin with and a host of other factors. But it's possible.

The folks who treat Borderline Personality Disorder effectively most often use Dialectic Behavior Therapy as their primary approach. It is complicated and requires a team of folks to be really effective in most cases. I can be remarkable. Dr. Marsha Linehan, the founder of this form of therapy has recently spoken public about her own struggles with BPD. It is interesting to hear her speak of the process from a very different angle.

Treatment of serious mental health conditions is NOT merely a function of compassion. It is often very difficult for a family member, spouse, friend etc to realize that they are "in over their heads". That much of what they do intuitively is EXACTLY the opposite of what they should be doing. In fact, what their compassion is doing is making the situation much worse.

The chaos that BPD can cause can be so destructive that good, caring, loving people can find their lives ruined. Deciding to leave is not JUST about self protection. It can also be the sad realization that you just are not prepared or trained to deal with a very difficult situation.

One of the characteristics of BPD is the intense, often exaggerated emotional swings between idealization and devaluation. It is difficult to integrate that one minute you are the most wonderful person in the world and two seconds later you are scum. On an interpersonal level we focus on those so-called positives when trying to make a decision about staying in the relationship. It may be difficult, but it may also be very important, to make the decision on the FACT that most people are not capable of dealing with BPD....not for want of motivation or compassion, but because it requires immense clinical skill and usually a team of equally talented and committed team members to control what can be catastrophic symptoms.

I am trying to catch on to this bi polar thing. I have a girl fiend, I thought she was schizophrenic, but others insist it BPD, perhaps BPD applies to her.

She is very sweet, sometimes, and then other times "the enforcer" shows up. I cant reason with the enforcer. In our last disagreement, we could not meet until later in the evening, because of obligations in HER schedule, but I met her / accommodated her by meeting her later in the evening anyway, because I wanted to see her.


Our chosen pre selected activity did not work out. So then she wanted to get something to eat. I had already eaten, since it was so late, but I said OK. We could get her something to eat. I was agreeable to that. That's more accommodation by me.

She wanted pancakes, I said that would be fine, I would be happy to take her to a place to get some pancakes, but then, thinking out loud on my part I said I would probably get something besides pancakes, ( because I have diabetic issues and a big starchy stack of pancakes smothered in syrup is not the best diet choice for me) Well she was upset because I was not agreeable to eat pancakes too, BUT I said I was perfectly willing to let her get what she wanted, FIRST. I'd be perfectly content to let her eat and to just watch if nothing else. because I was not that hungry at that time, so it was just fine with me to concentrate on accommodating her. Well that was not good enough for her. She wanted me to eat too while she was eating.

THen she was offended over a breakfast type food that would be an alternative to eating pancakes for me. ( I would have preferred something that was protein, I am trying to cut down on my calories, not go crazy on them). It was a simple matter of personal preference, for an item better suited for a diabetic and that appealed to me more at that moment. I am hesitant to say how trivial this preference / selection really was, but think like catsup on eggs, or not. I mean it really was that trivial, but she was really against my chosen alternative to pancakes, like it was some sort of violation of a sacred convention. She was quite upset about MY possible dining selection, even though the path was perfectly clear for her to have her selected pancakes.

From there the argument somehow went to whether or not I would be ashamed or embarrassed if my family members knew that we were being physically intimate. I told her that I did not really care if they knew (mostly because I am ex MORmON), but that I felt no reason to jam the fact into their MORmON faces, she disagreed and said she felt that they should know, and then rather gratuitously concluded that I must be ashamed of her if I did not want them to know. This simply is not the case because this is a very attractive women, one that I LOVE to be seen with, which goes a long way toward explaining why I put up with this kind of trouble where I otherwise would not. They do know her name, its not like she is a secret, but then again considering my MORmON family... WHY would I want them to know about anything that I am doing......


I felt that I basically accommodated her at every turn,
Until the last, when she insisted that we needed to do something to make it blatantly obvious to my family that we are physically intimate. My response to this insistence was the question: WHY?/ What real purpose will that serve? / HOW would that help anything? I was willing to listen to her input on the matter. But all she could do was insist that I was ashamed of her, which simply is not true. And factor in the detail that she is TBM and professes a fondness for the church. This would seem to be in conflict with flaunting the fact that we are not in harmony with LDS standards, which are HER professed standards, NOT my professed standards.

I really like this woman, but she wears me out. We go out for a month or two and then she breaks it off. we have been on/off like that for nearly three years now.

I tried to get in ALL the pertinent big details in the last melt down for the sake of describing how things typically go because I want feedback for those who are better acquainted with BPD.
I do want to say that even though me and this woman were disagreeing, that I was NOT yelling, or raising my voice at all, in fact I think it irritates her that I do not get more emotionally heated in these little spats, but I know that it would be a huge mistake to do so. I do try to reason with her, usually to no avail. After "the enforcer" shows up its a lost cause. I usually asked her to stay because I want to express to her that I want to be with her/ that I like her, but I also never try to tell her what she has to do, or that she cant go.
I try to make it as anti climatic as possible when she finally exits, which I feel also perturbs her to a certain extent, but there is no way I am going to feed the fire with demands / dictates and a big loud show -NO WAY! Most of all I am too lazy for that kind of big time energy out put, even though I really like this woman... when she is nice.

Any way, I really do want the feedback, I am trying to understand her, and she has even told me that she does NOT want to be understood or figured out.

I felt I tried to accommodate her a lot, Until it was just totally unreasonable. Frankly, I think its a little as in a LOT arrogant to believe that other people including my MORmON family really care that much about personal aspects of my love life at this point in my life, I have made it very clear to them that I no longer believe in the church. I dont feel compelled to make sure they know anything about my love life at this point.
That does not mean I am ashamed of my (TOTALLY HOT) girl friend.

I feel like my relationship with my girl friend is between me and my girl friend, Not between her and my family.

If I did something wrong, I really want to know. But to me this woman seems to get on edge and then there is NOTHING I can do with her, usually for a month or two, when we get back together she is as sweet as can be, at first, but it always leads to the same kind of melt down, and she does not like me to call it a melt down either, so I asked her what we should call our disagreements and she said she does not know. At this point,
I know I could have just ordered some pancakes too, and just pretended to eat them, to see how long that would work to appease her, but I am not quite that phony yet.

Is it too much to ask to go out with an attractive woman, and to be able to eat (or not eat) what I want to/ NEED to, especially when I am trying to be just a little bit more health conscious?
I was not trying to disagree with her, I was simply being honest and open when I said I would probably have something else besides pancakes, if I had anything at all, and I totally encouraged her to have whatever she wanted.

It seems to me that the thing spun out of control over virtually nothing, and instead of getting to be with each other, she had to make some rather meaningless point that ultimately kept us apart.

Am I dealing with a BPD person?

lucky Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Am I dealing with a BPD person?

What you are describing is consistent with BPD.

www.bpdfamily.com

Is her name "wolfunderfire"?

Wolf had something else. I find it disgusting as a PD and a depression sufferer that you're attacking someone like this. Besides Wolf didn't have BPD (I'm skeptic about them anyway).

ClaireRuin Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Wolf had something else. I find it disgusting as a
> PD and a depression sufferer that you're attacking
> someone like this. Besides Wolf didn't have BPD
> (I'm skeptic about them anyway).

I find it disgusting that you interpret my question as an attack.

Exactly WCG. PD people see everything in the form of an attack. And of course they're going to be skeptical about a disorder they have. It's an ego blow, after all, to think the rest of the world doesn't see the perfect reflection they think they have.

Bottom line, PD people can come here and whine that they're so victimized and waa waa we're 'sufferers' forgetting that this disorder leaves in its wake a gaggle of victims. They can cling to some pseudo-psychological idea that somehow what they've been diagnosed with, doesn't exist and everyone else is just making it all up. Which feeds their gaslighting tendencies. But in real life, they're lonely for a reason. Eventually, you run out of people to victimize and it can get quite lonely. The karma of all this is that all they have is an online forum to come to, and try to peddle their nonsense.

Wow. Well, I would have said the first part wasn't an attack, but making huge generalizations like this about thousands of people definitely is. First of all, there are 10 known PDs, so each PD is so different you could never make a generalization like this. Even within BPD, as with other disorders, there are many different kinds. So unless you are a licensed therapist, I would suggest you not make generalizations like this about a group of people that is as diverse as the general population. A person with NPD, a person with BPD, and a person with OCPD are so different, I have no idea how you could even lump them all together as having the same characteristics or all being victimizers.

Also, I have several family members with various PDs. They all go to therapy, have been in inpatient and outpatient care to work on themselves, have workbooks to do DBT exercises with, and consistently work very hard to overcome their symptoms. So to make yet another generalization about them having a "perfect reflection" of themselves shows yet again how little you actually know about these disorders. Certainly some people do not accept their diagnosis...as many people with other mental illnesses also do not. Some of that is their own problem. Some of it is due to stigmas perpetuated by people like you. I understand that you may have been hurt, as have I, by people with PDs. But your generalizations and assumptions are not just harmful and I'm not "whining" or complaining about them. They are simply false. Absolutely false. Everyone I personally know with a PD accepts their diagnosis and is consistently working to change their thoughts and behavior, and most of them hate themselves, they do not love themselves or think they have a perfect reflection at all. That is one of the main things they struggle with, in fact. So please stop spreading false information.

I don't care how many PD disorders there are. This discussion pertains to BPD. MOST BPDs are not in treatment, like Mr. Hyde up there, and the ones who are, are a huge minority. I find it disgusting that just because a few victimizers have woken up to smell the coffee, they're automatically owed something. Good for you that you're in therapy, but I hate to break it to you: Saying above that someone else who attracts PDs "should have their own mental health checked" is hideous. Any mental health problems that posted might have ARE CAUSED BY PEOPLE WITH PDs.

I could care less about your PR campaign for people who victimized others at an alarming rate, who most of, are not in treatment. Fix your demographic from within and stop expecting us to praise you because one of you got help.

I don't have a PD. Did you even read what I said? I have been victimized myself.

And I wasn't asking anyone to give anyone else an award. I was responding directly to the false claims made by the poster that people with PDs (he/she did not say BPD) 1) think they are perfect and 2) do not seek treatment or accept their diagnosis. This is just inarguably false. Two of the symptoms of some PDs are low self esteem and self-harm. I'm not going to argue with the licensed professionals who listed those as symptoms.

And I find your claim that most people with BPD are not in treatment very suspect. How do you know they have BPD, then? Are you a counselor? If they have never been in treatment, how were they diagnosed and by whom? One problem with BPD is that other people often diagnose it for the person and are wrong because the symptoms of it that are listed are somewhat vague. BPD is very complex. Random unlicensed individuals cannot diagnose it. So I would wonder at the charge that many of them do not seek treatment, since to be diagnosed with BPD at all they would already have needed to have seen a professional.

Your mental gymnastics are impressive. I hope you stretched first, you don't want to pull a muscle. Look up the stats yourself. You don't have to be a professional to know that the undiagnosed go untreated. Don't you dare talk down to me about something that is simply common knowledge: PDs, most of them are untreated. Anyone with basic knowledge about PDs knows that most don't seek help.

Also you seem to not understand basic consepts of a BPD. They are preocuppied with how others see them. This is not to say BPDs think they're perfect, in fact many of them have some serious self worth issues, so I guess my snark o meter got ahead of myself. But the untreated ones still act blameless. This discussion is disturbing. I feels like a cat who is being pet backwards. The urge is very strong to bite that hand.

It's funny that you'd talk about someone talking down to you when you're the one who assumed I was an abuser and a person with a PD and ranted at me as if I was when I am actually a victim.

Regardless, I would love to see some sources on the use of psychological services by people with BPD, since your knowledge seems to be based on anecdotal evidence alone. If you can provide a source, however, I'd be interested. From a quick search, I found this on Wikipedia, though I would truly be interested (no snark intended) if you can provide a source that backs up what you're saying:
Individuals with BPD sometimes use mental health services extensively. They accounted for about 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations in one survey.[112] The majority of patients with BPD continue to use outpatient treatment in a sustained manner for several years, but the number using the more restrictive and costly forms of treatment, such as inpatient admission, declines with time.

Where did I say that borderlines are not obsessed with how people see them? Of course they are...that has nothing to do with hating or liking themselves.

anon4this Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> It's funny that you'd talk about someone talking
> down to you when you're the one who assumed I was
> an abuser and a person with a PD and ranted at me
> as if I was when I am actually a victim.

Regardless, you're a codependent, advocating for these people. You come across as either one of them or one of their flying monkeys. So coming here and telling us, many who have had irreparable damage done to us by these types, that the stigma of a PD is unfair, well I find abhorrent. You come here talking down to us.


> Regardless, I would love to see some sources on
> the use of psychological services by people with
> BPD, since your knowledge seems to be based on
> anecdotal evidence alone. If you can provide a
> source, however, I'd be interested. From a quick
> search, I found this on Wikipedia, though I would
> truly be interested (no snark intended) if you can
> provide a source that backs up what you're
> saying:
> Individuals with BPD sometimes use mental health
> services extensively. They accounted for about 20
> percent of psychiatric hospitalizations in one
> survey.[112] The majority of patients with BPD
> continue to use outpatient treatment in a
> sustained manner for several years, but the number
> using the more restrictive and costly forms of
> treatment, such as inpatient admission, declines
> with time.

Regardless of your little statistics, this is a PR campaign for people who are toxic. As a codependent, maybe you could try something else proactive : stop shoving this tripe down our throats. I find it so inappropriate that you keep trying to polish a turd.

>
> Where did I say that borderlines are not obsessed
> with how people see them? Of course they
> are...that has nothing to do with hating or liking
> themselves.

They think they are perfect was meant as snark. I know they have self worth issues. I still don't care. My BPD mother stood by while she let my father and brothers molest me from a very young age, she hated me and was jealous of me. She watched with a smirk on her face while my father attemtped to strangle me to death. She is a monster, not worth the shit I scrape off my shoe. And that's not even the tip of the iceberg. So frankly I don't give a flying fuck how she feels abut herself. In fact, when she dies, I'll dance on her grave singing Ding Dong The Witch is Dead.

...Statistics are tripe, now? Sharing my personal experiences that don't precisely match up with yours, and sharing facts, is now shoving something down someone's throat? Uh, ok. And I find it extremely inappropriate that my participating in a discussion and merely pointing out the inadequacy of generalizations being made is somehow shoving something down anyone's throat. You disagree with me, fine. I don't need your permission to disagree, to point out facts, to point out inconsistencies in someone's argument, or to share my own different experiences. Nothing about that is inappropriate.

It's fine that you do not care. That's fine. I'm sorry for what you've experienced. As I said repeatedly, I have also been victimized and abused, physically, emotionally, and sexually, both by people with PDs and without. I hate the people who abused me and I hate abuse. That does not give me the right to stigmatize an entire group of people as evil. The experiences you listed with your BPD mother are terrible. They do not match up at all with my experiences with borderlines. The ones I am related to and was in relationships with hurt themselves much more than they ever hurt others, and one committed suicide. I have been much more harmed by NPD people or just plain old abusers. I'm sorry for your experiences, but my experiences being different do not invalidate yours, nor do yours invalidate mine or make mine less factual than yours. Nor do they take away statistics or facts. Plus, many people with PDs are victims themselves, or developed their PD as a result of being horrifically abused. It is a cycle and much more complex a picture than you are making it out to be. That does not excuse any abuse. I hate abusers and I hate abuse; that does not give me the right to hate all disordered people.

2 minute google search:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20564878
BPD often goes undiagnosed, therefore untreated.

If I found one that fast, it should be easy to find more. Every thing that I have read about BPD shows that it is incredibly difficult to detect due to the ease with which many BPD sufferers put on a facade of normalcy (my family member with BPD was a master at this, and most of the people around me thought I was the crazy one and he/she was sweet as can be, they never saw them at home), if you can't diagnose it, you can't treat it. Also, many of these same works (I don't have time right now to go unpack all my book boxes in order to dig these up) mention that even once diagnosed BPD is insanely difficult to treat, and requires a great deal of determination on their part, as well as a strong team of specifically trained experts.

Anecdotally, the therapist I was seeing a year ago mentioned that he had to drop a patient with BPD because he was starting to become afraid of his patient, he wasn't trained to deal with BPD.

ETA Also about those stats, they don't make the point you think they are making anon4this/now, just because people with personality disorders use up 20% of services does not mean that the majority of people with PDs use services. See, for example, Hemophilia, it is a blood disorder that accounts for the majority of the healthcare cost around the world, they are the most expensive people to keep alive (more so than cancer), yet they are a very very small fraction of the population. You ever hear of power-law curves or the 80/20 rule? Stats shouldn't be mangled to say things they don't.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/27/2013 01:05PM by newatthis.

It is indeed difficult to treat and very complex. It was especially difficult before the advent of DBT, but the prognosis is good for people who use DBT.

I have never been afraid of anyone with BPD, but there are many different kinds, of course. Some are indeed dangerous and abusive and lash out, some internalize the pain and harm themselves instead and choose to avoid others. My sister, in particular, who ended her life 10 years ago, was never dangerous to anyone but herself. She was a cutter for years and very reclusive. The others I know have all sought treatment. She did not. I often wonder if it could have helped her.

You are right. You have those more prone to self-harm like you know. They present a completely different Mind F*** (and resultant set of pathologies for their "victims") than do those that lash out. I am more familiar from personal experience with those that lash out, you read about those lashers in the news that do things like drive into a lake with their kids in the car, or that are so abusive their children violently murder them (and sometimes become serial killers/rapists). Some scary shit for society comes from those that act-out, and some scary shit for the family and friends comes from those that are prone to self harm and hermit/waif-like behavior.

I think the issue with DBT is that it works fantastic, if you can get them to agree to it, everything I have heard indicates that a good deal of them would never agree to such therapy. If they accept that they have that big of a problem, it feeds back into their rejection-complex, which often is their biggest motivator, avoid anything that could even remotely cause rejection/abandonment. I think that is where Anonally is getting the "perfection" argument, they often do act as if they are perfect (because to believe otherwise would, in their mind, validate all of the rejection, perceived and real, that they have felt their whole life).

ETA - which makes me respect all the more those that actually go for help, they are heroes in my mind.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/27/2013 01:16PM by newatthis.

Thank you newatthis.

I've thought for years you're more than a little off. Thanks for confirming it.

Who are you talking about? Anonymous posters?

I've been diagnosed with clinical depression BECAUSE of what I have suffered at the hands of Narcissists and Borderlines. Something wrong with that? I'm a little off, no shit, you empathy-less prick. Thank you for confirming what a piece of shit you are. I hope you get abused the same way I was by fucked up evil people and then have someone treat you like this. Get off your high horse and go fuck yourself. Then go back to your little superiority cave and fuck yourself some more.

Yeah, who was that directed towards? That was random...

And my statement about mental health was not a PR campaign. After living with people with NPD and BPD for many years, I began to attract people with other PDs in romantic relationships. I realized that I had become codependent, depressed, and was enabling abuse repeatedly due to my own low self-esteem and many other issues, including PTSD, related to past trauma (not by the same people). It helped me to work through my own issues and build my own self-esteem and see the ways in which I was codependent/dependent on others so that I could attract and develop healthier relationships. That is not my blaming the victim, it was a suggestion for something to do that is proactive.

Spoken like I true codependent. And I should know. I am one too.

lucky, I speak to my 30 year old niece who I think may have BPD. She also gets to a place where she slides from idealizing me to wanting to move into the 'enforcer' personality you describe.

With people I suspect of being BPD (my niece is undiagnosed), this 'enforcer' makes an appearance when anxiety starts to build and is a subconscious attempt to find boundaries with the person they are with. It's like subconscious fear rise to the surface in a millisecond and they are freefalling in deep space (but they aren't actually aware of this enough to tell you) - you just know it by their frantic attempts to find comfort in ways that are annoying and don't make sense. When this deep subconscious fear arises in them them,their ability to stay on top of this material and to reign it in slips away from them.

I sense that in your girlfriend going all over the place with the food and the wanting to declare your status with the family. Her mind is too busy. I have found with my niece that I have to become extremely firm but kind in order to shut down her attempts to invalidate me ( I talk to her because I know she is suffering and since she is my niece, I know what her childhood was like).

Sounds like your girlfriend really cares for you and you are getting a crash course in developing iron-clad boundaries. My niece does make me stronger - like the tempering of steal. I think an infant part of my niece's brain gets activated and the fear rises up, and like a baby she starts to go all over the place trying to find comfort - and I think her questioning me is a way she tries to find comfort or is an attempt to confirm for herself if I am 'safe' to continue talking to (this all happens within an hour long phone conversation). I am finding that a firm but kind declaration of where I stand shuts her down but also, and most importantly, makes her feel safe. I can only do this in conversations that only last an hour or less once a week. I also get benefits from reading on this forum: http://outofthefog.net/index.html

Good luck!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/27/2013 03:10AM by snowyowl.