Posted by:
almostthere
(
)
Date: April 23, 2013 02:30PM
NotBraveEnough's post about his/her mission call made me want to post this. I, too, am not brave enough, but I'm getting there! I'm in it 11 years or so longer, and it only gets harder to dig your way out. So, this is evolving, and there is more to it than what I am posting here, but these things ring true to me right now:
I have been raised by sincere, loving parents. They felt that it was best to raise me in a fundamentalist religion. The church is lead by good, sincere men who I believe to be in error. The church claims to be the only true church. This religion has brought both very good and very bad. It helps develop many positive characteristics in a lot of people, but it also causes serious division between those who believe and those who don't, and it teaches members that the church's way is better than all others. Problems arise when we believe certain men have authority to speak for God. Unfortunately, the church is set up in such a way that makes it VERY difficult to question its authority.
I do NOT have to obey that authority! I am seriously outnumbered, but I can triumph. I have been 100% invested, but I can re-align my life and morals. I can learn real right from wrong. I will become more loving and accepting of different people. This will cause a ton of pain to people I love. The pain is not my fault. I do not have to agree with the church to validate and honor the lives of my loved ones- my wife, my dad, my mom, and family. They are GOOD people, regardless of religion. If I can overcome this pain, I will find immense freedom, maturity, and genuine life experience. I cannot live dishonestly. I must be honest. I will find a way to be open with the people I care about. I will find friends who accept me and I will be a real friend to them. I will do good in the world, not because I'm supposed to, but because I want to. I do not have to convince anyone of anything. For my family, the church has been a source of happiness and unity. I will not try to destroy that. I will try to be accepted, but only through honesty and respect. I will respect myself as much as anyone else. I have a right to respect my own mind and heart and to follow my own conscience.
I am OK! I am a good human being. Why do I feel the need to defend myself? Well, it hurts when people you love think badly of you. It also hurts to feel like you are hurting people you love, even if the pain is not your fault. The church’s teachings make it impossible for true believers to accept the non-belief of others as good or even OK, especially if they were once believers. This is also not my fault.
Also, it is OK if I am flawed. Everyone is. It’s OK for them, too. I feel the need to respect others, and even their religious ideas, even if I believe they are wrong. I feel this way because I care about their real, human experience, and I think those things are all part of it. People can evaluate and evolve their own beliefs. If they want my input I will give it. I hope for that same respect.
I also feel the need to protect myself and maybe protect others, too, from imposition. I have a right to my own beliefs, and so does anyone else. No one has a right to force their beliefs on me.
You know what? I don’t know everything. And that’s OK, too. Do I have some other “Truth” to replace what I have lost? No. That’s also OK. I can simply free my mind and soul to find truth, to find goodness wherever it is. It’s progress. I don’t have to know where I’m going. Nobody really does, anyway! I’m not lost. I am where I am.
I have been shaped by the church, for good or bad. It is part of who I am. I don’t regret that, or want to kill that part of myself. I have gained much from it, and I think I have a lot of love from it, and for the Mormon people. I now need to move on, take the good, and leave the bad.
My vulnerability is a beautiful thing, and leads me to be better, and to be genuine. I want to be genuine! I want to live with my whole heart! I want to live and mean it!