This question could apply to many situations. One example: I went to a new church on Sunday. Here it is only two days later, and they've called me twice. They want to know if I had fun, if I want to join a group, if I want to learn about Jesus, etc. Slow down! My antennae are way up, even though I really did have the best experience there that I've had at any church. No need to rush me into anything. It made me stop to wonder, how do you sort out normal from abnormal if Mormonism is your only religious experience?

I don't think there's a normal/abnormal. It's more about what you're personally comfortable with and how much you feel like participating. I went to a new church a few years ago and they had a "circle time" where you had to hug or shake hands with everyone around you and then sing a song together. I was HIGHLY uncomfortable with that and so I never went back. But to some people, that's perfectly normal.

Not normal. Question: why did you give them your phone number?

Temporary lapse of judgment. It was a nice church experience. I'll probably go back sometime. I figured I'd check out a bunch of denominations, and maybe one will suit me. I've been out of the church routine for a while, but I miss the socializing.

Thanks all for the responses.

I would be honest with them, then -- tell them that you like the church but that the phone calls are off-putting. My guess is they'll back off.

We naturally form groups, and some groups are very self-perpetuating, having developed techniques to draw in others. It sounds like you "went from the frying pan into the fire," in that you have gotten associated with yet another group which uses these techniques. If you don't enjoy that, I'd be careful about joining any organized religion. That is simply what they do!

I agree that normal/abnormal can be highly subjective. What's 'normal' to one is scary to another.

What I'd say about a church or church member calling a visitor twice in two days is that in my experience that is unusual. Even if it's the usual practice for some churches (depending on the denomination) for exmos and other exxies or newbie church visitors it can feel very uncomfortable and 'unusual' or 'abnormal'. Happy churchies don't necessarily discern or understand this. After several most unpleasant church episodes and negative experiences in several denominations and groups, I readily feel uncomfortable or pressured by too rapid or enthusiastic a response or contact by anyone. I don't usually perceive it as genuinely about *me* and so I automatically get the fight or flight response. I get quite severe feelings of claustrophobia if I feel pushed or coerced.

When I was visiting different churches after Mormonism I attended the main services but nothing extra where people might talk to me, like a small Bible study, for instance, or other activity. Even if people were just being friendly I felt panic at the thought of being 'love-bombed' one more time in my life. (They didn't try that but I was afraid of it, which evoked the negative feelings anyway).

It's hard trying to find a place where they understand what it's like to be an ex- from a fundamentalist-style group. As soon as somebody says to me, "Oh thank God [literally] you got out!" my panic metre sets in, plus my automatic defence mechanisms to defend the other group. Most uncomfortable, both the conscious and subconscious reactions. Hopefully, many exmos and other exxies do understand, which is why RfM is so helpful.

I would try a different place and as mentioned above, don't give them contact information. Then you can show up, sit in the back, listen to the main service, and leave without pressure or guilt or panic or obligation. I'd also recommend trying no-church Sundays in between new-church Sundays. It's one of those major things we're trained NOT to do - missing church - and so it is therapeutic in itself just to sleep in and then enjoy a personal or family activity and end the day feeling happy and relaxed.

Newsflash: The Sky Will Not Fall In!!

Good luck!

Personally, I've never liked ANY relationship (personal or professional) where a person is repeatedly calling after first contact.

It gives the impression of someone who is going to be clingy or high maintenance.

tilliegilman Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> This question could apply to many situations. One
> example: I went to a new church on Sunday. Here it
> is only two days later, and they've called me
> twice. They want to know if I had fun, if I want
> to join a group, if I want to learn about Jesus,
> etc. Slow down! My antennae are way up, even
> though I really did have the best experience there
> that I've had at any church. No need to rush me
> into anything. It made me stop to wonder, how do
> you sort out normal from abnormal if Mormonism is
> your only religious experience?

A few days after my first time attending our local Metropolitan Community Church, I got a call from the pastor (who had invited me to come in the first place) thanking me for coming and saying he hoped I would come again some time -- maybe even the next week, when there was going to be a board meeting. I had completed a visitor card, voluntarily, so he had my information.

When I demurred, he said "Please come, we're having pizza. You don't have to say a thing."


So, I went. And I was introduced around, and I made new friends. It didn't feel creepy or pressuring -- but I also didn't have the constant LDS love-bombing to overcome, either.

This was a pastor who, after learning I was stalked because of my involvement in protesting Proposition 8 (to the point where I got law enforcement involved), gave me his personal cell phone number and the numbers of three local police departments (from memory) so that I could put them on speed-dial in my phone. I realize that to some this may sound creepy, but it wasn't. If I had never met this pastor, I would never have walked back into a Christian church again -- that's how different he was.

That little church folded more than a year ago, and I still haven't felt ready to go to another one -- but I have real, forever friends because of it.

I say all of that to say this: maybe they're just being nice.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/16/2013 04:03PM by fiona64.

Idk...since I am abnormal..who joins a cult at 48yrs old..to leave in less than 2 yrs...ok the normal in me came back and got me the hell out of that mess...maybe they are being welcoming and nice..I do not give my number to strangers...I too am hesitant about ppl quickly latching on..the fact that you are asking this..now that is normal :)

Sounds deserate and cultish to me.

Unless it was someone who took an interest in dating you. Sometimes this happens in churches.

Anything involving religion as your core social outlet - weird.

Religion during holidays, rites of passage, birth, death - normal.

Preaching to strangers or associates - weird and annoying.

Maybe YOU, yourself can decide what is normal, and set your own boundaries. Since many of us have not had a "normal" church experience, we have no experience to draw on. I think you are wise to rely on your own gut reactions to things.

I have church-phobia, which I think is normal, considering my very bad personal experiences with abusive Mormons. I have drawn my own boundaries, and will attend a church, as long as the sermons are uplifting in some way, and as long as there is a good opportunity for, honest-to-goodness charity work for the truly needy. I make cash donations anonymously, so no one can contact me to ask me for MORE. As soon as people start trying to sign me up for a long-term commitment, or start counting on me to show up consistently, or start asking for any personal information--I move on to a different church. This is how I live around my PTSD. Normal churches respect these boundaries, as a church. Every church has a few controlling busy-bodies. They are easy to identify and to avoid.

I like the "normal" cathedral church, where you can choose which service time is best for your schedule, attend only on Christmas and Easter, or during the week, sit wherever you want to, be part of a big, impersonal crowd, and you are never asked to speak or pray in public, or do any recruiting.

Notice I said "typical" not "normal." It grew out of some of the megachurches and spread to some non-mega churches. But rather than thinking of it a proselytizing, they think of it more as customer service. "Did you enjoy the experience? Is there some need we haven't met? We're here to help." This is the opposite of Mormonism's main question, "Are you ready to submit to our control?"

I agree with TupperWhere. Go with what feels comfortable to you. Normalcy is sort of irrelevant. Seeking to do what is "normal" is just another form of depending on an external source of authority to define right and wrong. That's how we ended up mostly naked in a cold room while some guy daubed oil on us. It was "normal."

I'm actually involved in the outreach with my Christian church (no, I'm not out to recruit anyone...if you live near Tampa, FL and are interested, I'll be glad to give you directions and happy to meet you there).

Most churches interested in reaching their communities do want to follow up. It's a little unusual to do twice in two days, but doesn't necessarily mean you are walking into another version of Mormonism. Could be some miscommunication that you got called twice (unless it's the same person, but then that could be an honest mistake).

Plenty of churches make an effort to NOT be seen in the same light as Mormons. We don't do "cold calls"...only people who've visited or contacted us in some way. If the answer is, no, we don't think your church is for us, or we like it but it's too far to drive, or even "go away" then that's that. Respect people's privacy and wishes, and for crying out loud don't get pushy. Of course, if you don't show up for two or three years, we also take the hint that you'd rather be somewhere else on Sunday mornings and pull you off the member rolls. And for heavens sake, we make sure never to wear white shirt, black pants, and a tie.

However, with my exposure to Mormonism (through marrying a Mormon before doing the 411 on the religion) I can say, I understand where you are coming from. I would be hesistant, too. I agree with Stray Mutt... for more churches, it's more customer service than anything... are we meeting a need?

Unlike what the TBMs think, we don't spend Sunday mornings plotting against TSCC so there aren't too many churches that familiar with Mormonism. However, those that are would, I think, try to be careful about getting too pushy. As my pastor told my wife, "the last thing I want is for you to jump from one legalistic religious system into another."

So bottom line is, I don't know. Talk to the pastor or one of the staff. Let them know about your situation, that you want to take it slow. My guess is they'll be more than cool about it and, if not, then (unlike Mormonism) you are free to go somewhere else.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/17/2013 09:29AM by stillburned.