or maybe not. I was pretty reclusive just after my ex left some 17 years ago. BUT what I've found is I'm less willing to put up with bullsh*t than I used to be. I hang out with who I want to; otherwise, I stay to myself. I'm not as much of a people pleaser as I used to be.
I am definitely more cynical. I get more so the older I get.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/16/2013 12:15PM by cl2.
Not in the party-pooper sort of way, but in the scientific way.
I'm also not as much of a "yes" man. I still feel inclined to be a yes-man, but I make conscious efforts to choose certain battles if someone takes things too far.
Sadly, I've found relationships built on me being a yes-man have gone completely to hell. DW and I are still working on putting our marriage back together. It's been a rough 5 years.
It's funny how you just stop caring so much when you get older. If someone saw me without makeup or at the store in pajama pants, I would have DIED 10 years ago. I would have been so worried about what others thought. I'm not saying I walk around like a slob now, but if I'm sick or need to run to the store for something quick, I really don't give a shit how I look. I also don't put up with as much bs as I used to. Particularly from men.
I am not even close to the same person. I am more open minded, more forgiving, more easy going, and WAY less depressed.
Ten years ago was about when I began my journey out and at the time I was still TBM trying to deal with all the guilt that my semi-inactivity and questioning were causing me. I was on three different antidepressants at the same time and still depressed all the time.
Today I accept everyone at face value and I don't think there is an ounce of judgment in me anywhere. I completely support LGBT and fully support their right to marry or do whatever they choose. My philosophy about life is that karma rules and whatever you put out there you will get back. If what you want to do doesn't hurt anybody else, then go for it, but if you are willing to accept the karma that your actions will bring, then go for it anyway. I left my antidepressants behind many years ago, along with my TBM ex-wife and I have never been happier ever at any time in my life than I am right now.
It is a wonderous thing to live without guilt, without judgement, and without the church sitting on your shoulders weighing in on absolutely everything you do, think or say. Mormons say that if you leave the church you will never be happy. Hogwash!!! I have never been happier than I have been since I left the church.
I am also much more honest and able to tell it like it is. Of course I still care about others feelings so if, for example, a lady were to ask me if her dress makes her look fat, I would consider the ramifications of my answer and if I think I will do more harm than good with the "honest" answer, I will tell her that she looks "mawvelous dawling" if you know what I mean.
Craig Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > than I am right now. > > It is a wonderous thing to live without guilt, > without judgement
Amen to that! And I am happier now too, just more assertive and able to express myself more authentically than before
I'm more relaxed, especially since I left the church a year ago. I have clearer boundaries as well, which helps me deal with or avoid difficult situations in a much healthier way.
Still very sad, though, that I've never had children. I expect that will never go away.
I was talking about this yesterday with my bestie. She is a nevermo, but knows SO MUCH about this destructive cult.
I've always felt socially awkward. Unable to carry on conversations. Felt like I was contributing nothing to the conversation. Didn't have anything interesting to share. Felt like I was being judged, so never wanted to talk too much.
Then I left the cult, left the people that kept sh!tting on my self esteem (but I didn't know that at the time).
Into my life entered people who actually liked me for me. They taught me that not only am I 'ok', but I'm actually kind of a neat guy.
The mormons that were still in my life looked their noses down at me. My family became a retired drag queen and his partner of 30 years. My family became a caustic Margaret Cho doppelganger with the mouth of a sailor. (who just had a baby and named him after me, so I must not be a total prick) My family became who I chose them to be.
As it turns out, I felt socially awkward because I never fit in with those ass hole mormons. I had been told from a young age that who I was at my core was evil, pernicious and 'of the devil'. Do you have any idea what that will do to a young guy's self esteem? Fuck yourself in your own asshole, Boyd.
I felt that I had little to contribute to a conversation because the only thing they would talk about was fuggin Mormonism. I hated being a mormon and was terrible at it.
Now, I can carry on conversations with ease. I love chatting with people, often about NOTHING. I am a Chatty Cathy doll pulling her own string.
It took better part of a decade. Yes, I wish I had figured it out straight off of my time in Japan, but better late than never.
I've also taken a "Love it or shove it" approach to people.
Guess where the mormons usually fit?
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/16/2013 03:46PM by Levi.
I came out of the closet as a lesbian to my mom 1 day after my 32nd birthday. Not that I was active up to that point and not that my mom doesn't have a desire for me to go back to the fold, but the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders at that time.
I'm lucky to have a sister who just wants me to be happy and a brother named Craig (certainly not the same as above but I wish it were) who judges me. But the fact remains that I always get to be myself, and no matter what other people may think.
Everybody in my life who knows me even a little knows I'm gay. In a lot of circles it's not that big of an issue and I'm very happy to say that my job is in that mix.
I think I'm more compassionate to others on a human level rather than seeing people with all the superficial attachments that existed before. I'm agnostic but I give money to a little Christian church that focuses specifically on the gay community because they're nice people and they do good work in my uber conservative state of Idaho.
I look at the things that I like to do, and in the event there is a life event that tries to lead me away from those I look at those events that it's a sign from God that I'm supposed to be doing something else.
Guess what!!! I get to have a glass of wine or a beer with dinner guilt free if I want to. I don't feel evil if I go to the liquor store.
Having the "free agency" to be the person I am is one of the best experiences I've ever had.
that's great! Isn't it amazing though how fast 10 years goes by? I am guarded about certain things, but also more compassionate just because of my life experience thus far. It's funny how that works.
It's worth pointing out that the mormon version of so-called "free agency" is neither "free" nor "agency".
It's free agency as long as you do what they are suggesting. If it's anything other than that, you are sinning, being tempted by satan or you can't live up to their so-called "standards".
A combination of several life events has changed me greatly in the past 10 years.
Graduating from college and attending graduate school were great achievements. I do regret getting non-techincal degrees because of...
A layoff in 2009 was expected, the difficulty of finding work after the layoff was not. It was horrible. I took me 2 years to get a start in my new career, 3.5 years to be making enough of an income to support my family. I cannot describe the pain of not being able to provide for my family. Constant rejection, depression, not understanding why you are viewed as unvaluable, even suicide crept into my mind. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
The icing on the cake was in 2012 when my shelf broke and I realized my religous beliefs were created by a horny dude that needed lots of attention 180 years ago. Now I have to deal with being married to a TBM DW that doesn't know the extent of my disaffection.
I have become very humble, try to always consider other's viewpoints, try not to worry about things I have no control over, and I'm now very cynical...of everything.
A couple of weeks ago I bought a motorcycle, and my father seemed to be all up in arms about and was very blatant about how he disagreed with it. (perhaps hoping to discourage but I've always taken word from my father with a grain of salt)
Although riding on the road is new to me, motorcycles in general aren't.
This is something I did because I wanted to and is something that I believe would be frowned upon or would not have happened if I allowed myself to be subjected to the life of a mormon wife. I also think I would've died if I did subject myself to that.
Wow - great question. Ten years ago, almost exactly, DH's ADD was diagnosed. I know the date because as we were leaving the Doctor's office, the radio announced Elizabeth Smart had been found. Life before that was a nightmare - my husband's behavior was chaotic, we were living in a small apartment, scraping by, husband couldn't focus on a career and would pick fights with me to help him get the adrenaline rush he needed to concentrate. My kids were pre-school/kindergarten ages and for all intents and purposes only had me. I was trying so hard to be a perfect Molly Mo but nothing I did seemed to work. I was frustrated and angry beyond belief while trying to seem sweet, religious and cheerful. Once DH's ADD was diagnosed, he settled down and got some retraining and became successful in his career. He's much easier to live with. We bought a house, I figured out what was wrong with my life and that Mormonism couldn't fix it. Then I found out what a mess Mormonism was. Then Bishop Jackwagon stiffened my backbone and gave me the strength to leave when I was going to go along to get along with the church.
Since then, my relationship with my kids has improved immensely because we have more time together. I'm much happier and my sense of humor has returned. I remembered how to have fun. I have no use for people who only love me as far as I am translated correctly - if you are one of my people now it's because you like me for who I am, not for how well I jump through arbitrary hoops. I'm less nervous, more laid back. Everything doesn't have to be "right" - sometimes it's OK to be good enough and happy. I am much less social and understand better how much I need my alone time. I've simplified things. I value honesty far more than I realized and am willing to sacrifice a lot for it. I can have a cup of coffee or a rum and Coke and not worry what anyone thinks. I got a tattoo - the reason that relates to personality is that I did something I'd always wanted to do that no one thought I should do. But I did it anyway. I look at my tiny wrist tattoo and think "Girl, you are a bad @ss." Then I laugh and realize that the biggest thing I've learned over the past decade is that I'm brave.
I was married 10 years ago to a guy I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. He ended up being my best friend He also ended up being diagnosed and hospitalized for being bipolar and schiz paranoid. He was a horrible husband.
The day I married him I felt sick to my stomach but I did it anyway. But what you said CA girl about your husband reminded me of mine. I loved him but he was emotional and chaotic. I left him and less than 2 months later he was with someone else that he is married to now and has a baby with. I am happy for him though. I know they are meant to be together. But I've been healing ever since. He has too, just with someone else which is fine. I'm still trying to figure out where I fit in. I have always made other people happy. I'm wondering when it's going to be my turn. I do think I'm brave, but at the same time I'm lonely and still searching for the "one"
I don't think our personalities change over time. They are pretty well set, according to psychology etc. by the age of eight.
I do think we develop some elements of our personality to adapt to changes in our lives.
I think we learn from our experiences, and become better with age naturally. (Not everyone, of course.)
As a former Mormon, I feel more free to be the authentic me, not concerned about judgments and recriminations. I don't have an ounce of concern about what the bishop or other leaders think! :-)
I'm still adapting and learning not to take anything personally, and to forgive everyone everything. I don't think I did that very well at times when I was a believer. (Probably because some people made it very difficult and I didn't have the skills to handle it.)
I made a conscious decision while my kids were growing up and I was a believer, that their choices in religious beliefs or none were out of my control, and totally their right. I gave them some solid teachings, I hoped, and from now on, they were on their own.
Now days, I rarely talk about religion or churchy things. My language has changed: no more Mormonese! :-)
It's all good. Life is very, very short. Live it and love it!
you have always been well-balanced though. You don't let the cult or religion sway you. Or so I have noticed. To me, you are an exception to the rule, but a good example at that.
And I'm being totally serious here. About a decade ago, I drank so much of the Mormon Kool-Aid, that I almost drowned. Now, 10 years later, I'm happy just to keep my head above that Kool-Aid line.
As an uber-devout Mormon, I made life choices that cannot be undone. Those orginal choices have spiralled into a huge tsunami of consequences a decade later. Honestly, most days if I didn't laugh, I'd cry.
But I'm still bobbing along on the SS RfM, knowing you guys will keep me afloat every time all hell breaks loose in my life. (Which is, of course, frequent).
;o)
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/16/2013 07:48PM by shannon.
A lot of what you describe here seems to be similar to my own feelings. I too am much more introverted and much less prone to take crap from people. Care much less what people think.
I've withdrawn from my family and have very little interaction with any of them. I don't have an attitude about them, just find there is so little in common.
Im dealing with bipolar much the same as you did with the man you mentioned. Wife has it and it's a real challenge. We're ok but seems to be a pretty tenuous existence for us. That disorder really does take a big role in the lives of those who suffer its symptoms.
I am with Ima above. I realized that I had been living my life "indirectly" as a TMB. Always running what I felt by the LDS filter, always checking what I said by the mormon language depot, always interpreting life events as being the product of god. Always judging people. Now I say what I mean, I do exactly as I want, I think my own thoughts.
my projection for the world/universe is that anyone and everyone can be who they want and act how they want, and believe what they want without judgment. I know, that's a tall order. 10 years isn't a long time but hopefully 10 years from now we will have achieved at least just what I said if not more. I embrace everyone, no matter how poor or haggard. That's why I don't brush my hair or wear real pants at the store lol :)