Does anyone have any stories of how they told their TBM mother that they left the church, and what the aftermath was like? How long was it until your mother could look you in the eye again and be proud to call you her son/daughter again if ever?

I told my mother a few hours ago, and it was the worst experience I've been through in my life, next to the death of my father. I broke her heart, and she had very little to say. All the confidence I had when I spoke to my bishop when I told him was no where to be found when I spoke with her. I almost felt like taking it all back and going back to church just so she would be happy again. But I can't do that. I stuttered and stammered and kept repeating myself, I had nothing good to say, nothing that would console her. Of the few things she said were: "Oh no so you're one of those people now, huh?" "So you're saying everything we believed was a lie?" "So you're just going to throw it all away just like that?" She repeated those phrases several times during the awkward silences when I hoped she would say something since I was fumbling over all my words, and then I decided to end it with saying I love you. She just said bye and hung up. It just killed me. I'm the one that saved her and helped convert her and my sisters to the Mormon church 20 years ago, and now I jump ship while she's sinking in it. There is no way she'll ever leave. Ugh...sucks. She's the 1st family member's heart I've broken, and now I only have 2 more to go with my sisters, then we'll start on my wive's side. Lovely.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/16/2013 03:35AM by DonQuijote.

She'll be okay, Don. It will just take her some time to process it and come to terms with it. I would say that my mom was grumpy (about religion) for a full year after I told her that I no longer considered myself a Catholic.

You must not be used to disappointing your parent. I must have done it with regularity. :)

Yeah I used to be her favorite, and I've always been a momma's boy. But looking back most of the things I did that made her proud had to do with the church.

I had a similar experience when I called my mom and dad. They were both crushed by the news. My mom assumed it was some evil sin that had taken control. My dad lashed out like a wounded animal, telling me it would have been easier if I had died physically rather than being dead spiritually. He then explained that he would be re-writing his funeral plans, since I was no longer "worthy" to dedicate his gravesite. It was ugly.

So, enough about me, I have three ideas that may help.

First, do not let your mom redefine you by what you are not. Send her an email or letter explaining what values have not changed, especially values that she helped you learn. Having a child leave the faith is so destabilizing that they assume the worst in everything about you. Make it very clear that you as a core person are more the same than you are different. Define yourself by what you "are" and not by what you "are not".

Second, go see her in person as soon as you can. This might feel like an awkward step, but she needs to see you with her eyes to know that you are at your core still the son she loves and adores. They assume that when we leave the church that we are filled with darkness and possibly possessed.

Lastly, go forward living happily and accordinging to your own value system. It may take months or years, but she will see the good in you.

It has been 5 years for me. I have come to accept that I will never regain my former relationship, but I do feel genuine love and respect from my parents. With time, I bet you will be able to do the same with your mom.

Best wishes.

BOUNCED!

Thanks, I'll probably drive up to see her today. I just gotta give it some time and see what happens. At least she said she wouldn't disown me.

First off, I'm sorry that you had to come away feeling like this. It's insane that rational adults can make adult decisions for themselves and yet be made to feel as if they should be punished by loved ones.

The hard answer is that she might NEVER look you in the eye and be proud of you again. I'm sorry, but that's the truth of it. Some parents get over it and move on... and some don't.

My parents have taken it very personally - that by rejecting the religion, I have rejected them somehow. By calling their religion a lie, I have called them liars. I've tried to communicate that I am still the same basic person, but they honestly believe that my moral compass is now broken and therefore I cannot be trusted.

However, there are many good stories on this board where parents have been accepting and some have even been willing to listen. I sincerely hope your experience is one of the positive ones, but I want you to be aware that the situation could drag on indefinitely.

Thanks, I'll expect the worst but hope for the best.

I just told my TBM mom yesterday. I was worried I would fumble my words so I did it via email. Will be interesting to see how things unfold. Best of luck to you.

Thanks, I think I'll try the e-mail thing with my sisters.

I told my mother 5 years ago and she still cries about it. They'll never get over it and you'll be the black sheep. That is the hard reality we face.

It took about a year and a half for stuff to quit being so awkward between me and my parents. Our relationship will never be the same, but they've actually gone back to telling me that they're proud to have me as a daughter. After getting the cold shoulder for so long, I almost thought I'd never hear them say that again. We just try to avoid any in-depth discussions about religion or politics, and we're good. Things are still uncomfortable sometimes, but it's much better than it used to be.

Good luck with your family. The initial fallout can be harrowing, but in the end it will be worth not living a lie.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/16/2013 10:39AM by faboo.

That's very encouraging, I'm hopeful it will get a little better with time too.

She'll either be ok with it or she won't. Time will tell how this will play out. At least it's out in the open, you are being honest, not sneaking and hiding. It's sort of a "devil you know, devil you don't" situation. At least the cards are all on the table.

Be of good cheer, and don't fret. Just deal with each bit as it comes up. After all, I reacted much the same way as your mom, and three weeks later, I was out. Not that you should hope for that, but the initial reaction isn't very authentic. It's coming from shock.

Yes I'm really glad it's out in the open now. I wonder what she will think once she has time to process a few of the reasons why I told her I left. I'll give her time, and won't push anything, but I do hope she calms down and asks me some good questions eventually.

Im so sorry that you have to go through this. Its heartbreaking, everything about it. Now I havent had to tell a TBM family member besides my husband (2 nights ago) but my inlaws told us a year ago that they no longer believe when we still did and it absolutely crushed us. I dont really know why it affects us so badly when we do believe and someone else leaves. Maybe because we "know its the truth" and think all the potential for "celestial glory and fullness of joy" went down the toilet.
Up until this last week when I discovered the truth myself, it really hurt me inside every time I saw my inlaws. But their decision became more acceptable to me over time. It wasnt so horrible feeling like it used to be.
But now Im on their "team" and the last one of our immediate family is my husband who is a TBM. Its going to take a long time, if ever, for my husband to feel tscc is not true. ugh.

Go see your mom. Hug her. Tell her how much you love her and that you never wanted to break her heart and that you are so sorry. Just remember that she still loves you so much. You are her child and that love will never ever go away.

I sure hope everything goes well with your husband. I went through that 5 years ago when I told my wife I was converting to fundamentalism, but after a few weeks she followed me because of a few dreams she had. So when I told her a few months ago I didn't believe in that anymore either she was super relieved since she had been harboring doubts about Joseph Smith for a while now.

But like your in-laws, my grandparents are "anti-mormon" and my dad's a nevermo so they are very proud of me and I am much closer to them now too.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/16/2013 12:09PM by DonQuijote.

Here's something I posted a few months ago:

In addition to wishing she were dead, my mother sent me a picture of a heart -- cut in half.

And some of the people I knew growing up telephoned me at her request, told me how she was suffering, and tried to get me back in the flock.

Here's what I said to them: "I know it's hard for my mother. Is there something that you can do to help her feel better?"

It was painful for me, as it currently is for you. I cried plenty, got a little depressed, blew my stack occasionally, and eventually worked my way through my feelings.

I remained friendly with my mother (but NEVER talked religion with her, except to say, "I'm trying to do what's best for me").

I think I'll avoid the topic too unless it sounds like she really wants to understand.

As you can see, from the assorted replies, DQ, there's no one right way to tell people, that guarantees success. There's also no one response from a loved one. Some are quickly loving and accepting. Some are bitter for years, and everything in between.

Mine was an incremental experience, not because I delayed in telling my TBM mom, but because she delayed in accepting the reality of the situation.

I was always straight with her on my feelings, my doubts, etc. She watched my apostacy unfold in real time.

The first conversation we had about it once I was on "the other side" was emotional for her, but she handled it pretty well. She lost her composure when she heard me use the phrase "your god." It was like someone had punched her in the stomach. What added fuel to the fire of her astonishment was my casual attitude. I talked about it just like I would talk about anything else. That initial conversation ended with her stating that I had transcended the need for the mormon church and in her eyes I would be exalted if that's what I wanted. I said "that's nice."

The topic came up a few times after that but she would change the subject and I didn't push because I didn't care.

Then came the showdown.

So over Thanksgiving holiday of 2012 we got together with brother and his wife (both apostates) and TBM mom. We went out to eat and conversation was lighthearted, then went back to bro's place.

On the back patio, we were talking about consciousness as an emergent property of the brain and TBM mom of course has to throw in anecdotal evidence of spirit using brain as a tool, which I immediately challenged citing brain injuries resulting in personality changes, memory loss, etc.

I won't go into all the gory details, but the long and short of it is that 3-4 hours later mom has crocodile tears streaming down her face, she's basically hyperventilating, and completely beyond consolation, jesus' atonement notwithstanding.

Where things really fell apart is when she finally said that she felt like we were ganging up on her. So I made the point that she had spent our entire childhoods having a ONE-WAY conversation with us about mormonism when we had no frame of reference, hadn't developed critical thinking skills, and were completely dependent on her for everything. I reminded her that she had compelled us to repeat rote testimonies in front of our peers, asserting that we KNEW things we couldn't even begin to comprehend yet, and that she had allowed the church to brainwash us by singing indoctrinating songs every sunday.

Then I said it only seemed fair that now, as adults, we could all sit down and have a TWO-WAY conversation about the church, but she just broke down even more.

Finally I understood why she was so upset when she muttered, "you really don't believe" between hyperventilating sobs.

See, I'd been working under the assumption that she understood my position back when I told her face to face that I was done with mormonism and theism in general. But no, she didn't understand. It wasn't until years later, last Thanksgiving, that she finally accepted that I was done and wasn't coming back.

So I think it's less about what you say and how you say it, and more about how willing your mom is to accept that what you're saying is real and not some phase you're going through, or trial of faith you're enduring, or whatever.

Wow that was a pretty intense experience. My mom had no idea I was thinking of leaving the church because I'm a good faker and I wanted to keep up the image of the golden child. So when I told her it was a huge shock. Now I'll try and slow it down I guess and not talk much more about it until it looks like she's ready to hear my side.

I posted the story about telling my mom on this board about a year ago. It's long, so I'll just post the link here:

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,456829,456829#msg-456829

After this first conversation, we've never talked about the church again. Oh, she's mentioned her new calling or what songs she's enjoying singing in choir, but there's an unspoken moratorium on discussing my apostasy. Any time I've tried to gently breach the subject she's shut me down. It's been over 4 years now.

Thank you for that, it was a good experience to read. It sounds like your mom said the best things she could have said all things considered. I think it's possible she's afraid to ask more because she might think there could be truth there, and it's scary making that jump into the unknown. Many people don't think they can be happy outside of the church.

Beautifully written. Thanks for sharing again as I'm relatively new to this board.

Good luck. Telling my mom was intense but we quickly came to an understanding to agree to disagree. She can't argue with my facts, knows she can't and doesn't even try. In her case I know why the church appeals to her and can respect that she needs the emotional/spiritual support she believes she gets from it. As far as TBM mom's go she's been awesome and very accepting of my different world view. We're comfortable enough around each other and our differences in opinion that the last time I visited her home she had no problem with me getting some liquor, & mikes hard lemonade (sadly the best stuff in her area) to drink while I was there. The only condition she had was that I take it with me when I left. If i still prayed i would pray that your mom deals with this new reality with the grace mine has. I can wish though and that's my sincere wish for you.

You may want to reassure your mother that she was/is a good mother and that your change is no reflection on her motherhood. Remind her that you are a good person and love your family and your choice of deity/church (or choice of no deity/no church) doesn't change that.

She needs some reassurance. She is afraid. People use religion to calm their fears. Have some handy stock phrases to redirect the conversation should it veer off into mormonism. Don't engage in any discussion that you don't want to engage in. You will feel more comfortable if you have a plan.

Told my parents over a year ago and things are not even close to normal. My dad will not even be in the same room with me. My mom clearly overcompensates. Kinda sucks. My wife and I are no longer invited to Fast Sunday dinners (previously a monthy event). My parents are trying to go through our kids to be invited to school performances and soccer games.

I do not expect things will ever be the same again. The only hope I have for the situation is that they allow themselves to look at the facts about mormonism and realize that I am right.

All they need to do is realize how the church has turned them against their own flesh and blood and that should be enough right there. But unfortunately the blame is usually pointed towards people like us.

"How long was it until your mother could look you in the eye again and be proud to call you her son/daughter again if ever?"

Never

I never told my mom or my dad because I was TBM until after they both died.

But I've always wondered how they would have reacted. I came out (as gay) to my mom after my dad died. She told me that they both suspected, but they never brought it up, and neither did I, since I was a sort of "golden boy" too.

Good luck with your mom. I hope things improve for you and her.

From an unlikely source: "The truth can always be told with gentleness." Spencer Kimball