My regret is eating me alive. I have tried to process this for years. I can't even talk about it anymore, because it seems so simple for everyone else.

I've learned to bottle this shit up. I deal with it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

I regret drinking heavily when I was trapped for a year on top of a mountain with my now ex-wife. She started drinking again, and ended up drinking and driving killing the other driver. I have been battling feeling like I'm the one responsible. She was the most dependant person ever, and did whatever I did. I started the snowball that ended up gaining speed and killing someone.

Her parents have told me to my face that they blame me.

My brain tells me I'm not, but my "heart" will never let it go.

I think about the woman everyday. She worked for a famous coffee company down here, and I can't start my morning without thinking about it.

She was amazing. Most obits get a page or 2 but she had 12. Not that how amazing she was matters...if she had been a slimeball it was still a life.

I arrived to the gravesite while the her church service was happening and left anon flowers in the chair for her family under the canopy.

My ex has spun everything into "god's will", and has become very Molly. She has made sense of it in her TBM mind, and I'm the one who internalizes it and takes responsibility.

I can't talk about it anymore to anyone because they all just say "You didn't make her do it. It's obviously not your fault."

It won't sink in. I don't know what the fuck I have to do to get it to sit right.

I've been to therapists. Something won't heal. I don't know what the roadblock is, but it's killing me.

I drink almost every single day, and it's so bad that my wife even says "you are on edge and not pleasant to be around until you have alcohol in you."

I don't what I need to do to get my internal portion to understand what my own brain keeps trying to tell me.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/11/2013 11:20PM by ragingphoenix.

I'm sorry - this sounds like a very heavy burden.

What are you going to do with this burden moving forward?

How will it change you and what you do with your life?

You already mentally know you are taking on more responsibility for this than you should, but it doesn't change how you feel about it. The feelings are there and real. Quit trying to make them go away. Instead decide what are you going to do with them? What are they a catalyst for?

If I can redirect it, it would be a good force.

Let me think about that and get back with you.

You may be on to something. Thanks OCS-bc!

that is a heavy burden. Ugh, my heart hurts for you so much. I doubt there's anything I could say that would make things better but I don't think you're a bad person. I have never even met you but I care about you. I know other people here feel the same way. So even though it's hard, just at least know you're not alone. You could tell me anything and I wouldn't judge you.

You are feeling so much guilt about something that was out of your control. It is eating you alive. You are very sensitive to the woman's family and even left flowers at the grave. These feelings cannot change the past. They do show that you are a caring person with high morals and values.

If it helps with your healing, why don't you contact the victim's family and express your sorrow to them. It might benefit you, mabey not, but at least you are being proactive in healing for yourself. I hope you feel better. I'm sure you have good days and bad days. Good luck!

Also, please reply with the word "ok". You don't have to talk to us, just let me know you're ok.

I talk to SO many people every day that are hurting and sad because of my job. Your post just breaks my heart. I want to help everyone but I know that's not possible. But I do need to know that you're at least around. So ya, just type ok. :)

I'm Ok Tupperwhere. Thanks for the support you have always shown me.

Hugs to you. Big time.

good. Thanks for letting me know. You have a huge community of support behind you. Don't ever forget that!

Harming yourself won't bring her back. There are times I think to myself I could have done more to slow my Mother's descent into addiction-related death. Now, I don't think I could. I have another immediate family member who has long been circling the drain with alcoholism, rehab hasn't worked, nothing seems to work. I don't know if the ability to overcome these problems ever comes from outside motivation or influences. Horrible story, sorry. I'm no saint either



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/11/2013 11:57PM by ladell.

I don't know you and you don't know me but I want to say that there is someone (else) out here in the web hoping that you are ok. (and wishing I had better words to offer.)

Have you ever considered AA? It's a place to talk and work this kind of thing out with real live people.

I don't know if it's a solution, but it may be a huge help to you. It's way cheaper than a therapist, and IMO more helpful. Maybe you should just check it out and try it.

You are carrying a heavy burden indeed. I admire your courage to put it out to the forum. I'm an eternal optimist and believe that things do get better with time if we have the courage to just keep showing up. I don't know you and I don't post much, but you've got my support.

Hi Raging. I'm sorry to hear about this, and to know how badly you're suffering with this burden. It's heartbreaking.

I don't have any advice, just empathy.

Well, I do recommend a book you might find helpful. Feeding Your Demons, by Tsultrim Allione.

Allione is a Tibetan Buddhist monk and the book offers a way of understanding and working with our inner demons, by treating them with compassion. I have found the approach really useful, and I have hoarde of needy demons, believe me.

Above all, take care. I wish you all the best.

http://www.amazon.com/Feeding-Your-Demons-Resolving-Conflict/dp/0316013137/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1365738199&sr=8-1&keywords=feeding+your+demons

I'm going to read the book. Thank you!

I wish I could say more about how I overcame regret and such, but I am pretty bad at it. I tend to take the blame for everything and internalize everything too.

This might sound odd, but I find that I constantly tell myself what really "makes sense". My situation is like this, my parents hate me because I wont give into their demands and they always place blame on me and my wife for being such awful children. It's my fault they aren't happy and my fault that they're going to suffer eternally, knowing I wont be in the celestial kingdom with them. (like they think they're going there). So everyday (literally) I use my logical side of the brain to scold the emotional side (if that makes sense) and tell myself that I am not responsible for their unhappiness. I can not be responsible and I refuse to accept responsibility. I've had to say this for years, even as a TBM because they'd hound me day in and day out for not "being more of a son".

I still feel a sting of regret, hell, I even feel the sting about lying in High School about something relating to being sick so I could have an extra day to study. I even wrote an apology letter and mailed it her. She didn't remember who I was, and yet I was torn up inside.

Trust me, I know how you feel, I am very similar. All I can say is that the only thing that's helped is by filling my "attention span" with good and happy things, like indulging myself in a good video game/movie when I have the time, or doing something fun. Even coming here makes me happier. Then I tend to forget about the pain for a little bit. Also, I think the most helpful thing is also to keep telling myself what I know makes sense. Maybe in your case, "I am not responsible, it is impossible for me to be." and I keep repeating it. It takes a long time for people like us to internalize the constructive side, but it does work. Finally after years and years (about 15 years of parental guilt tripping and abuse) I am starting to feel like I am independent of them and not responsible. Sure I still feel it, but life is too damn good to let yourself fall victim to your guilt.

I know it hurts, I understand. I'm doing the equivalent of whatever praying would be in the church, for you. Sending best wishes maybe?

Take care.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/12/2013 12:16AM by notsurewhattothink.

I totally understand because I also dealt for years with feelings of blame about my son's death. If I hadn't kicked him out, he would be alive today, that kind of thing. Since 1994.

Then, a few years ago in chance conversation, it came up with one of my daughters and she told me she has been suffering from regret and blaming herself because she told him "I wish you were dead" shortly before he died.

My interest piqued and I took a little survey and lo and behold every single sibling blamed themselves. One tearfully told me she regretted telling him not to come home for Christmas if he couldn't give up the beer. He didn't come home and we never saw him again.

This feeling of self-blame is very common. When it will not go away with time, like what you are describing, then it has hooked onto something more powerful underneath, something like self-aversion and it is reinforcing it.

As you know because you are so aware and intelligent, Mormonism teaches self-aversion as a form of control. We joke here on the forum about Catholic guilt being a pale shadow compared to the Mormon daily mantra of constantly being whipped and told to Just Do It and Magnify Your Calling and Dig Deeper, etc. etc.

My sense is that your profound regret over the woman's death is allowing you to express feelings of self aversion which are stuffed under the usual male "I've got this" facade.

If you can get Tara Brach's CD "Radical Acceptance" or torrent download it, you can begin to develop skills and techniques to improve your deep underlying feelings about yourself. It also helps with embracing your past and what that means to your mental health in the present.

It's not surprising you feel this way considering the Mormon brainwashing plus on top of that the scarlet letter of Apostate on your forehead.

You can also just flat out take this problem to a therapist and he/she will guide you through a process of finding out why this regret has not diminished over time. This is the type of problem they hear a lot and are very effective in helping to resolve.

Best

Anagrammy

Thanks for sharing this Ana...this struck a chord reading it.

I wonder who else around x-wife feels responsible.

the part about going to AA? I'm sorry, but I have to disagree. Guess what going to meetings every week where you are expected to claim in front of an audience that you are an alcoholic gets you? If you say it enough, you make it true. I would avoid AA like the plague. There are other ways to get better.

I have no advice that you haven't already heard a million times I am sure. I only have an open heart and concern. I hope you know that there are so many people who care about you and want only peace for you. I am so sorry for you awful pain.

Good for you to get this shit off your chest. The worst thing you can do is try and keep it all bottled up. The good thing about RfM and other forums is it's 24/7 and there will always be somebody online, somewhere. Forget about those on this forum who will diss you for being "dramatic" - they don't have to read your posts. If this is a good outlet for you, then you should feel entitled to say what you like as often as you like.

Truth is, many of us have got demons of one sort or another. You've just got to find your own way of taming them. Nobody can tell you how to do that, it's a journey of self-discovery. I like going for a run or a good workout in my garage gym. Sometimes I find my way to the bottom of a bottle of red, but substance misuse isn't really a way of taming your demons, just makes you forget them for a short while.

My demons are a part of who I am now, but they don't control me. If I wiped them out, I would necassarily forget events from my past and, more importantly, mates who are gone but are always with me. I don't want to do that.

Hugs.

There is a difference between drinking and drinking and driving. There is also a difference between drinking/driving within legal limits or not.

Don't keep beating yourself up over it. You have enough of your own problems without internalizing your wife's problems. I'm assuming that the authorities dealt with her as provided by law.

So sorry to hear about your nightmare. Guilt is something that haunts many of us. Yet there is nothing we can do to change the past. From wht u told us;I dont see why u blame yourself.Looks like its her issue. But I know the feeling of blaming myself for things. One of my kids has a drinking problem and I blame myself because I was too much of a coward to stand toe to toe w/her dad!He got costody 2yrs after the D. cuz He had $ & I have health problems. Im a coward & my kids hate me for it!

She received the minimum sentence for her vehicular homicide and her blood alcohol level being as high as it was.

She would probably have gotten a longer sentence if it hadn't have been her first crime ever, and lots of us wrote letters to the judge about her character.

She was sentenced to 10 years. 5 were suspended and she got out of prison in 2 1/2 for good time.

She will serve the other 7 1/2 if she ever screws up the probation/parole requirements.

A coulpe of things Id like to add. Over the years Ive cryed & cryed & tryed to explain things to my kids; writen them letters explaining everything I was going through. Some care & listen some dont. But one day when I was kicking myself about my boys not talking to me. It HIT ME! Ive been kicking myself for over 15yrs. & IF I punished myself another 15 would it change anything? I decided Ive done all I could think of. I have to let go. U might want to try AA. And talking to her family sounds healing.(hugs).

Just the act of expressing your feelings is helpful. Everyone has regrets, you ended up with too large of a portion. I once bought a hanging punching bag that I could take my frustrations out on.

Try a safe, physical way of releasing your tensions. It might help.

Have you seen a psychiatrist who can treat addiction? Not a therapist, but a psychiatrist. Medication can help with the regular drinking.

I don't know if this will help at all. But when I left Mormonism, I was sometimes plagued by guilt and fear over things I didn't even believe anymore. I think that at some level of my brain, there was an automatic visceral response to certain things, that triggered a response of guilt/fear, along with all the negative chemicals in the body that those create. All I know is that it wasn't rational, and it really bothered me.

What I had to do was mentally yell "STOP!" when I started feeling those feelings. Then I would review that I didn't believe that anymore, and mentally list why. I think I was rewiring my brain, and it took quite a while (Maybe 6 months to a year). And for years after, things would still come up that I'd have to stop and think through and recondition myself about. This is basically a thought-stopping practice, just like cults use to control others, except I was using it on myself.

I think your reaction is a well-worn pathway in your brain. Another possibility is to create a new pathway in your brain when you start to think or feel that way. That could be some kind of a mantra, or a redirection/distraction of your thoughts.

I'm reading a really good book called "The Power of Habit" by Charles Duhigg, and he talks a lot about the mechanism of habits, how they are created, and the power of using established automatic responses/habits to create new ones. He does also talk about alcohol/addiction. This is not a self-help book, although there is an appendix on how to apply the ideas in the book. Of course, though, the whole time I've been reading it, it's giving me ideas I'm starting to use.

The most helpful thing to me is realize that I have certain stimuli and responses, and rewards in my life. If I can recognize the stimuli, and insert a different response, then I can get a different result.

http://www.amazon.com/Power-Habit-What-Life-Business/dp/1400069289/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1365778626&sr=1-1&keywords=the+power+of+habit

Hey rp, hang in there. There is good advice from the other posters, and lots of love and support here for you. Your insightful posts have gotten me through many rough seas. Thinking of you and sending good thoughts

RP...there is a man I know who was drinking with his niece one night at her home. He tells me that he left around midnight because he decided to go to his own home to sleep it off. Sometime around 2am her house burned down, with her so drunk that she died in the blaze and her 2 small children got out but were left without a mother. And his health was so precarious that he couldn't take them. They ended up going into foster care. He cannot forgive himself because 1)he left 2)he was the one that brought the alcohol they drank and 3)they were both smoking but he doesn't remember if he put out his cigarette before he left and 4)he didn't wake her up before he left. He has beat himself up about that for 15 years. His level of anxiety is skyhigh, and has negatively impacted his health in a significant way. I told him something I learned a while ago, and it has helped him. So I will tell briefly how I learned what I learned, and it may have some bits to help you.

I suffered terribly from anxiety and feelings of being no good. A couple of years ago I was reading something about perfectionism. It stated that perfectionism had it's room in being unforgiving. Of oneself. The instructions were to ask myself what was the one thing I couldn't forgive myself for. It came immediately to mind. The instructions said then to picture yourself as you were at that time and age and circumstance: look at that person and condemn them to not only the consequences of the actions, but the YEARS following it of self-hatred and regret. To tell that person they HAD to suffer for it for the rest of their life. I pictured my 18 year old self very clearly and could not condemn her. I realized that myself at that stage had been duped, had been confused, had been lied to, and that I had held myself responsible for everyone else's mistakes as well as my own. I realized I had spent 32 years in self loathing because of it. From that moment I began to heal. In very real ways.

Further, I have just gotten Thomas Riskas "Deconstructing Mormonism" and like Anagrammy says mormonism teaches self-aversion. Riskas book requires careful reading and re-reading to get exactly what he's saying. But it is giving me valuable insight into why we as ex-mos are so afflicted by guilt, anxiety, self-loathing, shame. Those things crop their ugly heads up when we least expect it. Knee jerk responses to old triggers come ripping through us when we think we are just fine! Riskas talks about healthy guilt, and healthy shame. What you are experiencing is not healthy. Saying to "just let go of it" is as easy as "just be happy"!!!! But it's worth getting to the bottom of why you feel as you do. And know that you have TONS of support from all hear who are rooting for you. Keep us posted...when your epiphany comes, we'll sound the huzzah!!!