All this talk about SCOTUS and marriage equality has stirred up a lot of old baggage for me, mainly because I've been in the process of coming out to myself as a lesbian for a long time now. I've been in such denial that it took me until recently to realize I was in the middle of trying to come out to myself in the first place. It's been a crazy emotional roller-coaster -- sometimes I feel a strong sense of happiness and clarity, only to be gripped by raw fear and panic just a few hours later. I've read that this is quite normal, which made me feel a little better about it, even if it's still exhausting.

Sometimes it's hard for me to imagine having a happy, fulfilling life as a lesbian. This likely comes from a lifetime of indoctrination and self-loathing as a Mormon. I know this, but it doesn't make confronting it any easier.

Recently, I changed my diet (seriously cut back on processed foods, for example) and began daily meditation in the mornings. This has already helped reduce some of my anxiety and depression, but I still feel at a loss about what to do or how to handle this.

Since I'm not yet financially independent, coming out to my TBM parents is absolutely out of the question. Tried that as a young teen, and they mostly treated it as an illness that could just be prayed away. The sad part is that I actually believed them.

Imagine hitting my mid 20s and realizing that, although I sometimes experience a real physical pull toward women I happen to meet, I have never felt this with a man. This isn't because I dislike men by any means. I am capable of loving them (and have loved one in the past), but only as a companion. There just isn't any "spark" to it. As a naive TBM, I thought that maybe this was desirable. After all, was it not good that I didn't feel tempted to fool around with a man before marriage? It seemed more "pure" that way, but in hindsight I realize this way of thinking was flawed. It's not like marriage flips some kind of magical biological switch.

Several years ago, I confided in my exmo brother about my experiences, and he was very supportive. Gay, straight, or bi -- my brother unconditionally loves me for who I am. This has been a tremendous relief to know. In light of my recent struggles, it seems like now would be a good time to talk to him about all of this again, if only to get some positive affirmation from a loved one. But an irrational part of me feels guilty for potentially dumping on him when I know he has a lot of stress in his life too.

I have several close friends who identify with the LGBT community in one way or another, but I can't bring myself to talk to them about my issues with coming out to myself (and coming out in general). I'm not sure if it's because doing so will make the situation more "real" and difficult to escape, or if it's just because I'm an intensely private person as it is.

I've also thought about making contact with the local LGBT scene, but it's like I become paralyzed. Again, I think I run into that issue of being in denial and making the situation more "real" if I act on it. I'm debating on the wisdom of just sucking it up and forcing myself to do it anyway.

There is a therapist who I see sometimes. She's LGBT friendly, but it's hard for me to "gel" with her for some reason (haven't had this issue with past therapists). I'm debating on finding someone else, but it's hard to do in such a conservative part of the country.

Am I supposed to just cycle through the stages of grief until I can come to terms with being gay? I've heard stories of people who ended up doing this for decades!

Has anyone here encountered these kinds of mental/emotional blocks during their coming out process? How have people coped with it? I feel stuck in a rut, and I just don't know what to do anymore.

I had a very hard time coming out.

Here are a set of 2 posts giving insight as to my coming out process.


http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,506509,506509#msg-506509
http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,509942,509942#msg-509942



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/05/2013 11:23PM by MJ.

Thank you for sharing, MJ. I appreciated reading about your experiences. It's given me a lot of food for thought.

Great posts, I must have missed them the first time around. Amazing insight you provided for someone like myself who never conceived the internal struggles taking place with many LGBT in today's society. Thanks.

when i finally realized that the only person who didn't accept and love me, was me, my fears disappeared and i was able to come out. i also realized that if others hated me because of who i was, it didn't matter as long as i didn't hate myself.

when you come out, it will be one of the great moments of your life. take those first steps with those that you trust.

I wish you all the best. I do think you should bite the bullet and go to a LGBT social function or a bunch of them. Just hang out and don't force anything. Be yourself. You are JUST FINE AS YOU ARE. I am a straight person but I have nothing but love for my gay and lesbian friends. I am in the wedding business and often times we perform for gay and lesbian "weddings" which at this point in time are committment ceremonies. I am one who hopes that changes to legal marriages. But, my point is be yourself and love yourself as a lesbian or bisexual, (however it turns out.) Good Luck! Come on the site and vent when you want to.

Would it help to be with people who are like you? In my neck of the woods, lesbians work, are business owners; they pay taxes, marry, shop at grocery stores. Nobody cares. Why this matters to heterosexuals is beyond me.

I think it's great you have your brother for support. Why people are so against LBGT is astonishing to me. Who cares?! I have always looked at someone's character, not who or what they identify as. I've met some super douchey straight people, and some of my best friends are gay. Heck, my roommate is a lesbian and I really don't care! I am pretty protective over her though, she is a good friend and in a relationship, so I gave her girlfriend the obligatory "hurt my friend and I'll kick your @$$" speech.
Don't force yourself to do anything you're not comfortable with. You will meet people you connect with, gay or straight, and enjoy who they are and how they make you feel. You are who you are, nothing can change that, and if you try to change yourself it will just make your life harder.
I wish you the best and I hope you find peace and happiness!!

I didn't come out as gay until my late thirties, although I wish now I would have done it years earlier. There's no timetable, and everyone does it at their own speed. I spent a lot of years hating myself and trying to be straight. I finally realized I could be suicidal all the time, or I could just accept myself as gay and be happy. I've been happy ever since.

And from what you wrote it sounds like if you decide to look into being gay there's no going back. That's not true. Talk to friends who identify with the LGBT community. Make contact with the local LGBT scene. It won't become "difficult to escape." You can't make a valid decision until you have all the facts. Who knows, you might become more familiar with the LGBT community and realize that you're not gay after all. You're not committing yourself to anything just by saying hello.

It sounds like you're young and might worry about being rejected by your parents. I spent too many years trying to be the person I thought everyone expected me to be, and I was miserable! In the end, the only person who can make you happy is you.

And I'd encourage you to talk to your brother again. He might have a lot of stress in his life, but just because this is stressing you out doesn't mean it will stress him out as well. In fact, helping you out might be a nice break for him. Helping someone else out always makes me feel better when I'm stressed.

You say you're dependent on your parents. If you decide you might be gay, consider when might be the best time to come out to your parents. Think about waiting until you're independent of them before saying anything. Get your brother's advice first since he knows the situation.

You will get there when your ready. Time is on your side do it when you feel ok with it. You could check out some of the boards just like this one where you can connect with others but not have to tell anyone who you are. They can be a great support with others who might have some words of wisdom and support. Finding a therapist you connect with can be hit and miss,just because they have the diploma means they have the skills but it is how you feel about them that makes them right for you. Not feeling money safe is most likely a huge block to how you feel that too will come with age.

Hang in there. And come here for support. I agree that it really does boil down to coming to the point of loving yourself.

It is likely to be a long journey to dissolving away those feelings because in the culture in which you were raised, it runs awfully deep. And those things were crammed down your throat at a very impressionable time of your life.

Thanks for sharing and for letting your friends here help.

Just read a piece in the Atlantic by a young man who came out while he was at Liberty University. His point is the same that Sonoma made here: That hardest part was learning to love himself.

Here's a link if you're interested: http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/04/being-gay-at-jerry-falwells-university/274578/

This was a very interesting read. I could relate to a lot of what was in that article. Hopefully I can get to a similar stage in my own coming out process someday. Thank you for the link!

you sounds like a nice person. You have value. Fuck the Mormons. There are so many other groups of people that will embrace and love you. Your worth does not depend on Mormons. If you need someone I will post my personal info for you. You are not alone.

Oh I understand those anxieties. I'm a lesbian who denied myself because of my faith in the church.... I was probably20 when I first started researching the issue to try and understand myself.... but because I could never justify it with my beliefs I basically chose the church life instead of being true to my self. Now im35 married with 2 kids and just figured out how the church I believed was soo true, was not. Man that messes with your head. But all that guilt is still gone now, and life is long and full of adventures to be had. Just take it slow heading in the direction u want to go. You won't always b under your parents roof.

I would go ahead and connect with your local LGBT community. Take it slowly and just think of it as making friends and enjoying their company. I would think they'd be a very understanding, accepting bunch of people.

And talk to your brother. I can't see this particular bit of news stressing him out. If anything, I think he'd try to make your burden a little bit lighter. Let him be a good brother to you.