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Posted by: The Oncoming Storm - bc ( )
Date: February 19, 2013 07:27PM

The video being talked about in the other thread:

The big drama in the video is the wife was pissed and distraught that the husband had not told her about his doubts sooner.

That certainly wasn't the case for me and I haven't seen other posters say that is the case for them. My wife was distraught that I didn't believe but she wasn't upset that I had not told her sooner.

Was your significant other angry with you for not telling them sooner when you told them you had serious doubts?

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Posted by: joesmithsleftteste ( )
Date: February 19, 2013 07:33PM

I know this isn't quite addressing the subject that you wanted, but for what it's worth, my in-laws were angry at my wife for not telling them sooner. I laugh at their ridiculous hypocrisy. My wife has gone months without them calling her, receiving her calls, or returning her calls, so the idea that they were really there and willing to be supportive was absurd. Fortunately, that reaction from them indicated to her that the church simply can't be true or God's wisdom on how to help family who have lost faith in the church would have been passed down to the members. Instead, most TBMs, when confronted with non-believing relatives, alienate, belittle, and push the doubters away in every way they can conceive.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/19/2013 07:34PM by joesmithsleftteste.

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Posted by: The Oncoming Storm - bc ( )
Date: February 19, 2013 07:35PM

Close enough - thanks for the comment.

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/20/2013 11:38AM by bc.

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Posted by: Cynthia ( )
Date: February 19, 2013 07:37PM

Not mine, he said he suspected something was up but he was not upset I didn't tell him and I took more than six months, more like two years. He was bishop at the time and there were family issues, there just was not a good time to break my news to him, not that there is ever a good time. I didn't say anything until I had family temple activities coming up and my recommend expired before the activities took place...the gig was up.

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Posted by: Mia ( )
Date: February 19, 2013 07:40PM

My husband and I were both having some major doubts. We didn't say anything to each other. Neither one of us was upset about that.

Maybe if one of us would have said something we would have left earlier. I don't know for sure.

I'm pretty sure we have the kind of marriage that would have been ok if one of us would have stayed and the other left. I was pretty sure if I left my husband would follow. He hates going to church alone.

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Posted by: Elder Berry ( )
Date: February 19, 2013 07:43PM

bc Wrote:
> Was your significant other angry with you for not
> telling them sooner when you told them you had
> serious doubts?

No, and sounds like a dodge or a place to start blame-throwing. In my opinion.

My wife would have rather not known and I kept it to myself and continued to fake it.

When I confronted her about it after a row she didn't say anything because she knew I was right.

I told her I was disappointed in her for wanting me to fake it for her. I told her that she must have thought little of what I wanted to believe.

She may eventually divorce me. I don't know. I do know I love her.

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Posted by: emma ( )
Date: February 19, 2013 08:15PM

My dh was upset that i didn't tell him sooner. I'm not sure if he was more hurt or mad or combo of both. The thing is, when i did tell him all the reasons why i thought the church isn't what it claims to be, he just shut me down. He didn't want to hear it. Looking back, there is no way i could have told him sooner. I was freaking out over all the info i was finding out. I was scared because i didn't know how he would react. I was worried he would leave me if i left the church. Anyone else have that fear?

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Posted by: The Oncoming Storm - bc ( )
Date: February 19, 2013 10:04PM


I didn't so much fear she would leave me as I was worried it would be detrimental to our relationship and it would be hurtful to her. I was right on both accounts. However, in some ways our relationship has actually improved since I told her - I feel like less of a role to be nagged and more of a real person to her.

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Posted by: ladybug ( )
Date: February 19, 2013 08:33PM

The wife in the video appeared to be a self centered witch. Her husband was pouring his heart out...and apoligized for not telling her sooner with reasons he didn't, 'I thought it would pass" etc. And what is her response? She stomps off and stops speaking to him.

Manipulation at its best.

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Posted by: joesmithsleftteste ( )
Date: February 19, 2013 10:08PM

Unfortunately, that was probably the most realistic aspect of the movie. Yeah, she was a bit of a shrew, but a LOT of the people on this forum have seen their spouses simply storm off angrily when doubt in the church is brought up. It shows how heartless many TBMs have been taught to be if the church's validity is ever called into question.

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Posted by: The Oncoming Storm - bc ( )
Date: February 19, 2013 10:18PM

Yep - however the reason for being upset was less realistic. At least that's my impression (and the reason I am asking this question - to see if my impression holds any water.)

My wife was upset that I didn't believe, not that I didn't tell her sooner. She was upset because her fairy tale Celestial marriage life she had been indoctrinated to want since she was 2 years old was being pulled away from her.

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Posted by: joesmithsleftteste ( )
Date: February 19, 2013 10:26PM

I understand. I wasn't actually arguing that the specific reason for getting upset was true to life, just the general closed minded, intolerant attitude. The heartless cold reaction to seeing a spouse open up about something that is painful is very true to life.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/19/2013 10:28PM by joesmithsleftteste.

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Posted by: The Oncoming Storm - bc ( )
Date: February 19, 2013 10:28PM

Yep - I figured you were with me - I was clarifying just to be sure.

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Posted by: joesmithsleftteste ( )
Date: February 19, 2013 10:34PM

Even if it were accurate, with the way that so many people shut down and/or get upset when someone they are supposed to love indicates a crisis of faith, is it any wonder that so many people would keep it to themselves until they've made up their minds?

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Posted by: Minnie ( )
Date: February 20, 2013 08:13AM

+1000, that's exactly it. Now when I try and talk to my husband about any of the reasons I don't believe it's like talking to a wall, he completely shuts down.

I just know in his head he's going lalalalalalalalala

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Posted by: Stormin ( )
Date: February 19, 2013 09:30PM

My wife wasn't angry at me not telling her immediately. She was mad I tried to tell her at all but liked me to tell her where I was and just not tell her anything negative about the church. We seem to be getting along better than ever now --- we will see how it works out when I resign my positions in the church this week and the cat is out of the bag. I haven't paid tithing but am still a priesthood leader ---- I expected the Bishop to notice but it is time and my wife agrees!

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Posted by: ladybug ( )
Date: February 20, 2013 08:04AM

That, I get. Anger over not believing..but the whle attitude of "you have been doubting 6 months and just telling me?" 6 months is no time at all. It seemed more like he had cancer and hadn't told her for 6 months. Maybe to mormons it is a close comparison.

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Posted by: resipsaloquitur ( )
Date: February 19, 2013 10:07PM

My wife refused to talk about my evolving thoughts. We're divorced now.

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Posted by: nlocnil ( )
Date: February 19, 2013 10:42PM

My wife and I hid our doubts from each other for years. I say, be brave and step up you never know you're spouse may be feeling the same way.

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Posted by: The Oncoming Storm - bc ( )
Date: February 19, 2013 10:47PM

Yep - I definitely agree that talking to your spouse sooner than later is a good idea. If I had it to do over again I would have spoken with my wife much sooner.

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Posted by: dogeatdog ( )
Date: February 19, 2013 11:50PM

Nope - that was not my experience. Me first, then hubby. I started out more tame though - really just being more feminist Mo/Liberal Mo - having him read stuff on FMH and Wheat & Tares. It did however reach a point where it was really causing a lot of friction because Sundays became unbearable and it effected the rest of the week. I soon realized I couldn't do any charade of going any longer. We had a few huge fights and I finally got him to start reading things on mormonthink - no pressure - just read and think about it, and we had to 'discuss'.

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Posted by: Dallin A. Chokes ( )
Date: February 19, 2013 11:56PM

There are many factors involved in my wife's anger with me, one of which is that I didn't tell her for a couple of years (until she found it out on her own). I didn't tell her because I thought it would devastate her (I was right about that one), that she would leave me (hasn't happened yet, but I'm wondering if it will as I distance myself more and more from the church), and because of the outside collateral damage (bro-in-law had recently left and cheated on my sister; parents with potentially terminal illness, etc.).

I also sought out formerly active friends and talked to them about it, which rankled my wife because she felt I didn't trust her with the information. I've tried to express to her that I don't feel like there's a safe forum for expressing doubt (you're either all in or all out), and that I needed to talk with people who had had a similar experience and who would (as she says) "validate me".

We're still working through it. There are flare-ups, and she threatens to stay only for as long as the kids are in school. Who knows if that's what will happen.

No one made me do anything, but I've thought that my secrecy was nurtured by the church itself: that, rather than talk to someone about doubts or sin, we learn to bury questions and problems because we'd like to appear as into it as everyone else on Sunday. Again, my choices are mine, but I feel like the culture engenders that kind of secrecy.

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Posted by: Tupperwhere ( )
Date: February 20, 2013 12:02AM

my first husband was pissed that I didn't tell him sooner that I wanted him to be a TBM. He never did convert or forgive me for wanting him too which is why we're divorced! He did give me a beautiful daughter though so it's all good :) We had a courthouse wedding, but a mormon gym reception btw lol looking back now I can't believe I made him do that. His parents hated did my boss.

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Posted by: Cali Sally ( )
Date: February 20, 2013 01:50AM

I think there is too much comparison here with not telling a spouse about questioning TSCC as if it is the same as committing adultery. It's not the same at all. I've yet to hear a marriage vow that says "I will tell you every thought I have no matter how it hurts you". As individuals, married or not, we have the right to think our own thoughts without worrying about the "thought police". I'll bet there are plenty of Mormons out there who questioned, studied, and came to the conclusion to just keep quiet because they knew, probably correctly, that their marriage would be toast if they shared their new found knowledge and disbelief. And they are now playing the role of content Mormon with a certain knowledge it is all false. They do this because they love their spouse, detest confrontation, and they would rather go with the flow than sink their marriage. This may be sad but it is still not a sin nor a crime. Just a win for TSCC.

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Posted by: The Oncoming Storm - bc ( )
Date: February 20, 2013 08:14AM

I did find it "interesting" that in the video telling his father and wife they all acted like he was guilty of some huge crime. It really did seem like he was admitting to adultery in a lot of ways. (However, its also kind of true that's how many Mormon's react to being told you don't believe - for some it is even worse than adultery.)

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Posted by: peregrine ( )
Date: February 20, 2013 06:57AM

I didn’t get mad. But the only reason I stuck it out as long as I did was because I didn’t want to upset her.

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Posted by: justrob ( )
Date: February 20, 2013 10:30AM

My wife specifically didn't want to talk about it. I asked her if she wanted to talk, and she declined.

After a year, she asked me 1 question: Do you still have a testimony of the church. I responded no, but before I could explain, she said she didn't want to talk about it.

It's been 3.5 years now, and we have essentially had 1 small conversation about it maybe 6 months ago (maybe a 5 minute conversation).

A few weeks ago, MIL asked us all to write our testimonies down to give to her son that was about to go on a mission (we were all trapped in a cabin together while she asked this). I snapped and wrote a scathing letter about the church being false & detrimental. I was sitting next to my wife, and she peeked a couple times and was very interested about what I was writing. So I made sure to set it down somewhere while she was watching me. A few days ago I found it near our computer (meaning that DW brought it home from the cabin and read it).

So she definitely is on the end of not wanting to talk about it at all. But hopefully I found a sneaky way to talk about it somewhat.

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Posted by: nomo moses ( )
Date: February 20, 2013 10:53AM

My now ex was definitely mad about not discussing it with her sooner. But, when we had a discussion with our bishop, he asked how long I had doubts. When I reported about 6 months, my wife stated that I hadn’t believed in years. So, she saw something I hadn’t. She filed for divorce a couple months after. During that time she frequently berated me for not trying hard enough. Demanded that I read the BoM and pray harder. She would not listen to anything I had learned.

My father was upset that I hadn’t informed them when I resigned. He claims he found out from a neighbor, but I overheard a conversation he had with a high councilman prior to sacrament meeting where they were discussing my resignation the week after the bishop received it. So much for requesting it remains private.

My little brother, a bishop in his ward, called me one night at about 11 pm to lecture me on what I was doing to our eternal family. He made a comment that I should have approached him prior to resigning.

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Posted by: The Oncoming Storm - bc ( )
Date: February 20, 2013 10:54AM

Thanks for sharing that - so at least in some cases people respond sort of the way they way depicted in the video.

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Posted by: kori ( )
Date: February 20, 2013 10:58AM

mine was mortally wounded at first. The auto-response was deep. After a few weeks, and after talking to mormons women who told her everything from leave him to it will go away, its a trials. We had another 2 big discussions and she was fine.

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Posted by: Pil-Latté ( )
Date: February 20, 2013 11:06AM

My husband was a non believer for 5 years before he told me. He hid it VERY well. If he had told me earlier I really don't think I would have been as receptive as I was when he finally told me.

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Posted by: Puli ( )
Date: February 20, 2013 11:15AM

I've been told by Mrs Puli that my independent re-investigation of TSCC has hurt her worse than anything anyone has ever done to her. I kind of understand, although, I think there were other things going on that were difficult for her to deal with - my coming to terms with being gay and letting her in on this fact, her sister's nonsense and betrayals, and several other things. I can say that the issues were not all as separate as she seems to like to think. Her sisters narcissistic behavior influenced my re-evaluation of decisions I had made about my life which included the re-investigation of TSCC. In many ways, however, her "perfect" little Mormon life fell apart at about the same time. I really do feel sorry for her in many ways.

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Posted by: mormondumb ( )
Date: February 20, 2013 11:33AM

This was one of my wife's primary complaints after I told her of my disbelief and that it had taken me a few years to get to where I had. She was irate that I hadn't shared with her along the way.

Of course, this objection was ridiculous. In the ensuing years I attempted to share my concerns and talk with her about my belief and my issues with the church. She has never responded in any way and refuses to discuss problems with the church or even consider them. No reason to think it would have been any different if I had shared earlier.

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Posted by: copostmo ( )
Date: February 20, 2013 11:46AM

I told my wife about my disbelief about six years after I stopped believing. She was very angry that I had lied to her for six years. She did, however, say that, had I told her when I first stopped believing, she was younger and less mature, and probably would have left me.

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Posted by: Bite Me ( )
Date: February 20, 2013 04:05PM

My wife was bugged that I didn't tell her sooner. Not really sure why, so I guess I'm gonna ask her why.

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