I have been attending LDS services for nearly a year. I am not eligible for baptism because I live platonically with my exhusband so that we can provide a stable..financially and logistically...home for our children. I have explained to the MP that ex and I are not romantically involved and that our situation will not change anytime soon.
Although I am not a member, I have been assigned HTs and VTs. I do attend SM and GP class regularly and RS as much as possible
I feel like I am at a crossroads and need to make a choice. A few things...
1. Do I feel the Church is true? I guess. I mean, I grew up in a Christian household where animals lived on an ark and our savior was born in a barn. So why couldn't JS have received golden plates?
2. The leadership of my ward knows our lease is up soon and I have been receiving subtle hints from them. One of the missionaries got obnoxious about it which prompted me to contact the MP and ask not to be pestered.
3. Speaking if missionaries, one left whom I liked a lot. And I think he liked me. His letters are very personal..not inappropriate but definitely more involved that the unemotional letters I receive from other missionaries. The missionary is halfway done and has asked for my picture. The cynic in me wonders if he is "flirting to convert" or if he is serious. Now if he were serious..and yes, he knows my age..I could see myself living happily as a lds.
4. I am older that the average single LDS lady....mid 30s but can pass for 25.... Because of my age I feel disconnected...too older for the young singles but not over the hill either...I am in the northeast and there are no eligible lds guys around. Marriage is a big part of this Church and I feel out of place.
Now I like everyone at church...they're fine...but if I can't get baptized what is the freaking point. The only way it could happen is if I found a guy, remarried and moved out...and I feel that has a very very small chance of happening..
And if I do decide to give it up, do I just stop going..what is the best way of letting go?

Let me save you three hours... the ship sinks. Run, don't walk, away.

1. Neither one of those events happened.
2. That kind of crap only gets worse. They don't understand boundaries. They could care less what's best for your kids.
3. Don't kid yourself. He'll go home and will move on with his life. His family will see to that.
4. It'll only get worse. There is no point, move on.

Just stop going. When they figure it out, they'll be all over you like flies on stink. Set boundaries and don't let them wear you down.

I don't have any answers for you. But I am amazed at how you are so drawn by the social aspect of the church that you don't employ any critical consideration except for your opportunity to be happy with a boy in his 20's while your 15 years older. Wow! No criticism just surprised at I never would expect to read what you wrote. I am guessing if you took the Meyers Briggs personality test you would score high as a feeler and an extrovert.

I am not sure what kind of advice to offer. As an introverted thinker I would lean toward you need to decide what you want and stop thinking so wishy washy. If you think the church will make you happy and facts dont matter have at it. You might learn something about your self.

Taddlywog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I don't have any answers for you. But I am amazed
> at how you are so drawn by the social aspect of
> the church that you don't employ any critical
> consideration except for your opportunity to be
> happy with a boy in his 20's while your 15 years
> older. Wow! No criticism just surprised at I
> never would expect to read what you wrote. I am
> guessing if you took the Meyers Briggs personality
> test you would score high as a feeler and an
> extrovert.
>
> I am not sure what kind of advice to offer. As an
> introverted thinker I would lean toward you need
> to decide what you want and stop thinking so wishy
> washy. If you think the church will make you
> happy and facts dont matter have at it. You might
> learn something about your self.
The missionary reminded me of the type of guy I would have dated back in college. We really connected beyond the doctrine. And,yes, I am extroverted and open. Like I said, I look and come across younger than I am. Sure, he probably will go home and find a wife after his mission. But I am thinking maybe..just maybe

Stop fooling yourself and look for a healthy romantic relationship in your life as it is now - don't hang on to some romantic dream from you salad days just b/c someone has the looks of someone you fancied when you were 15 years younger.

Definitely not a good reason to join any church....

The sign said Ex-Mormon.
"So why couldn't JS have received golden plates?"
Because, those plates contain a fable filled with immoral suppositions and empirical anachronisms.

You need to do your homework.

You are already being pestered into doing things that you don't feel are right for your family and your situation and you're not even a member. It will only get worse. You will be expected to live your life in the mormon one-size-fits-all "box" whether it fits you or not.

The LDS church will insert itself into every aspect of your life. There are no boundaries. Nothing is too private or personal to be respected. When your children turn 12 they will be interviewed alone by the male bishop in a closed room to determine their worthyness. They will be asked if they masturbate and punished if they say yes.

Do some research about the church and their claims of truthfulness.

http://20truths.info/



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/09/2013 01:13AM by Mnemonic.

You and the ex sound like you are trying very hard to do right by your kids, I respect that. The church expects 10% of your money, where else would you spend that much on something you are not completely sold on? The best way of letting go is to just walk away, many of us here have extensive family and life experiences entwined with the church, and we did just that.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/09/2013 01:15AM by ladell.

Why would you want to join a church that is into your personal business to such a high degree? Why should your living situation be of the least concern to church busybodies? Are you an adult? Do you have possession of all your faculties, pay your taxes, and stay out of trouble? If so, then why do you respond when these self-righteous *bleeps* tell you where and how you should live? Why aren't you telling them some fun new interesting things that they can do with their middle fingers?

While you are at it, why don't you find a church that accepts you for who you are?

Do some research about the church. IMO (trying to get out) I'd say DONT JOIN!! But if you want to be controled,emotionally stunted,tied and broke all the time be my guest! they eat up every spair minuet you have and make you believe your not of value unless youre producing babies!! If you dont believe me ask other women. Get your life setted before first !

Whether or not you ultimately decide to get baptized, you absolutely need to educate yourself more on what the Mormon church is. The "best way of letting go" may be to understand thoroughly what it is you're letting go of.

Either way, a great place to educate yourself on some of the basics of Mormonism is to read Richard Packham's site (Richard visits exmormon.org frequently):

http://packham.n4m.org/tract.htm


Best of luck to you!

: )

It's not true.

Www.mormonthink.com

Saved my life.

your post is well written. I can see that the Mormons are too invasive in your life. You know what's best for you. The feelings you are having validate that these people are getting too personal with you.

You are a number to them and your children are potential numbers and money. That missionary is getting way too personal with you. He wants your picture! I'm 37 year old single female never been married no children, born in the church. I can empathize with you about the age difference.

I don't think the missionary's family would be happy with him "dating" a divorcee with kids, 14 years older then him. He is only try to be "nice" to get you baptized!

What other church in your neighborhood gets into your life like this? You don't need to make a major decision about your living status. Like you said, your living situation is for the kids, and in God's mind he admires you because you are putting your kids first.

Don't get baptized and get further manipulated by this church of joe smith. Go to another church that emphasizes god, jesus and doesn't cross your personal boundries. Peace!

Thank you all. One thing...and I am not trying to be difficult..I am just trying to look at this from all angles...if they just wanted to baptize me and get at my money, why wouldn't they just baptize me, living arrangements be darned?

It's because the Mormon church wants complete control over your life.

Regarding the money, most churches take what they can get. I was raised Catholic and attended various Protestant churches as an adult. Only once in all those years did I hear the word, "tithing," and even in that one mention, it was not put forth as being mandatory in order to get blessings. I don't know of another mainstream Christian church that would withold saving ordinances because a member was unable to pay up. Other Christian churches would consider that to be immoral. You can google the statistics, but I believe that the average church donation in the U.S. per member per year is 2.7% of your income. Not 10%. And most mainstream churches tell you exactly what they do with their donations.

Honestly, why don't you look around for a nice mainstream Christian church? Why are you wasting your time with the Mormons, who will cheerfully take your money, work you to death, and be all into your personal business?

Because it's not about the money, it's about controlling you. Once they control you, getting your money is easy. Also, they're not looking for short-term gains. If they baptize you before they control you, you will be inactive in less than a year. They want your money, your time, and your life, for the rest of your life.

Think of it this way. The LDS church isn't a thief trying to steal your wallet. They are a Ponzi scheme that wants your life savings. In order to keep you "investing" every month they need to get you invested at the beginning, and the more the better. Give up coffee, good. Give up smoking or alcohol, better. Completely change your living arrangements, great. The more they can get you to do before they baptize you, the more invested you are and the more control they have. And, just like a Ponzi scheme, when it comes time to collect on your "investments" you will find that there is nothing there for you but it will be too late for you to do anything about it because you'll be dead.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/09/2013 10:31AM by Mnemonic.

Control.

They want you to submit, and emotionally "break" you.

Once your under the spell, there is no amount of money you want pay.

Eventually, they'll get to the point of going to the temple for "families are forever." In the temple, you receive all the saving ordinances necessary for salvation and are bound as families for eternity. Sounds great, eh?

Here's the catch- in order to attend the temple, you have to pay 10% of your annual income. You don't pay? You don't go and you don't get into the celestial kingdom (heaven) and you lose your family forever.

Because they don't just want one tithing payment, they want tithing and more (fast offerings, etc.) for the rest of your life. In order to get you to do that, they have to get you to mindlessly obey and do ANYTHING they say without thinking about it. If you aren't obedient, there is a big risk that you will waver or leave. Honestly it sounds like at least on some level you know it's not really right for you. There are a lot of christian churches you would probably mesh a lot better with.

And in reference to the missionary..is what he is doing commonplace? Maybe some former missionaries can chime in

This missionary cannot have sex and is not even allowed to masturbate.
So of course, even a divorcee with children will look good to him.

I'm sure you are attractive.
But when he gets off his mission he will follow the usual Mormon pattern and marry himself the young virgin he was promised.

There is no upside for you in Mormonism, it will ruin your life.

BE CAREFUL.
You are dealing with a cult which masquerades as a family church.

There is only one perspective here: the Church's.

The moment you have them at "hi!" it will be all about them and their "rules". That living arrangements thing? It's all about the "appearance of sin". You are a huge nobody right now, so you toe the line and get moral, girl. If you were an important (read: rich), white guy with their priesthood, they don't give a damn if you sleep around or sell alcohol and porn in your business (my former stake president for the first example, and Mariott of the hotel chain for the last).

The missionary is pushing boundaries. You are attracted to the idea or the image: nice, clean cut, polite boy in a white shirt. Lemme tell ya, a lady friend of mine married the very same type of guy and, surprise, found out he was a lazy ass, momma's boy who lived in his parent's compound (and so did their family), didn't lift a finger with house work, expected wifey to cook, clean and be barefoot and pregnant until she had an operation after child #6.

Do not be fooled.

Walk away. Just walk away.

You have been warned.

These people are having meetings with you as a topic. They want you to fit their ideal and that means they must change you. Not a healthy situation. Don't fall for it. They care more about their organization than about you.

You mention social events and just getting to meet people or do things with people. (I paraphrase). TSCC is letting you participate in 'things.' I am shocked, if you are not 'worthy' of baptism...then why hang around?

Once I was 'shunned' (I was simply allowed to attend and pay tithes), I left.

I first gravitated to a Unitarian Universalist meeting on a Wednesday night, in essence a social hour; coffee, goodies and people that were the MOST non judgemental people I had met. They did not care that I was divorced (well going through one), or that I was an ex-mo.

A U/U may not be your cup of tea. If you need interaction with people that will not care about your housing situation (I have seen other couples engage in a similar arrangement, you are not alone), join a lodge or service organization.

Groups like the Rotary, Elks, or Girls on the Run (a mentoring program), could give you a new network of friends, 'things' to do and they would not look down on your housing arrangement. Have problems with public speaking; join a Toastmasters club. I belong to Toastmasters and I am working on my Distinguished Toast Master.

I teach public school (High School). When my students class work is done every other Friday we always have Toastmasters in class. I 'sold' this idea to my principal as this is a way to get my nerdy computer/math/electronics students out of their shell. I would consider it a sin to turn out a group of Sheldon's (From the Big Bang Theory).

You're able to move and get baptized and find the means to tithe 10% to the church and you get temple married to your missionary.

How long will that take? Maybe you'll be 36? 37?

How many more children are you willing to raise at that point? Five? Six?

What kind of toll will it take on your existing children, your body (health, not shape), your freedom, your state of mind? Don't forget attending to all of your callings.

Like being an open extrovert? Kiss that goodbye and conform.

Want your children to be raised to be racists?

Mormonism is fundamentally based on the belief that Native Americans are brown because we turned from God. Our brown skin is a sign that we are cursed. The same goes for people of African descent. Maybe you already believe that. If you don't, think about it.

Want your children to be raised as homophobes? God forbid any of them are gay. Maybe you already hold antipathy toward gays. If you don't, think about it.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/09/2013 10:47AM by Beth.

They are selling you a romantic fable.
Once you join, there will be more and more demands and supervision.

They want your free work, your 10% , and your kids as future obedient tithe payers.

DNA has already shown that the Book of Mormon is a fraud.
NO Hebrews landed in America - the DNA of native Americans shows that they came from Asia.

Be smart and don't let Mormonism ruin your life.
RUN !!

You also wrote: "4. I am older that the average single LDS lady....mid 30s but can pass for 25.... Because of my age I feel disconnected...too older for the young singles but not over the hill either...I am in the northeast and there are no eligible lds guys around. Marriage is a big part of this Church and I feel out of place."

You are not too old to be married. You do not mention any children (it is none of my business anyway), at your mid 30's do you or would you want to have any more children? A member of TSCC, either having children already or not having any is probably going to WANT children.

I am going to get slammed or 'booted' for making such an
"agist" remark like above, but the complications of having children at that age is a whole lot harder then when you are in your 20's. You body just does not recover as fast. Yes, your body can still do it as long as you are, well....you know.

Will you, if you stay a TBM, want to have children because you found a guy that you really love? Or would you be having more children because TSCC wants you too? TSCC will put a whole lot of pressure on that one.

The missionary may find you interesting and attractive, but he wouldn't want to marry you, guaranteed. He's a young man in his sexual prime, forced into celibacy by his church and not allowed to masturbate. You're a hottie older woman. It's tempting for him, but not real. The minute he steps off the plane at home he'll be searching for his eternal mate, no doubt a cute young virgin LDS girl.

I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm just stating the obvious.

Like others have said, run. Find a nice mainstream church and a nice guy who loves you for you, not for what church you belong to. And please read Richard Packham's stuff, it's gold.

One more thought.

You mentioned looking substantially younger than your age. I totally get that. It happened for me as well, and I don't think it's all that unusual these days. Up through my mid-40's you could easily knock at least 10 years off of my age, perhaps more. I was carded for many, many years after I turned 21, and not always because an establishment cards everyone.

It's a powerful feeling for a woman to maintain her attractiveness. It's nice to still be able to catch the eye of younger men.

In some cases a reverse May-December relationship works, but it's a tough fit. You are just in a different place in terms of life experience than your young missionary. My guess is that he wants your picture so that he can post it on a blog, bragging about the new convert that he baptised. Once he transfers out of your area (which will be very soon,) you will just be an acquaintance to him. He will email you perhaps once a year or so to see how *his* convert is doing in the church.

The Mormon church is not kind to single women of your age. It is not a church that is geared to the persistently single. And as you pointed out, there may not me many opportunities for you with Mormon men in your area. Why limit yourself in that way?

You seem to want to be in the LDS church, and still make your own decisions - about how you live, whom you live with, etc. That is not going to happen. This is a very controlling church (and that is an understatement). They haven't baptized you because you don't meet their requirements; they're hoping eventually they can talk you into meeting their requirements, and suck you into their religion/cult.

You have set up a way of living that provides security and support for your children. I admire you for that. There are many churches that would support your choices. I suggest you find one of them.

Don't be ruled by dreams and hormones but rather allow the critically thinking portions of your brain to operate. The heart-felt replies you have received here are not from killjoy smoke-blowers but from those who have been there and done that. Heed the warnings!