Are there dangers-short or long term-to the kind of sexual repression commonly practiced and encouraged in the Church (sexual abstinence throughout youth and early adulthood, including avoiding masturbating etc.)?

What impact does this have on sexual development?

I am encountering my own questions and am conflicted about further repression (I am married-therefore, any experimentation of the kind in which I am interested is extremely unlikely). My choices are, essentially, additional repression or potentially pushing my spouse away. They seem irreconcilable but both are unappealing in many respects.

I need to communicate with my spouse about this (and will certainly do so before I make any kind of decisions), but I am interested in your collective experiences etc.

Have any of you had positive or negative experiences with the same kind of conflicts? What about positive or negative experiences with threesomes, open relationships, or swinging? Did they make you happy or unhappy? Did you regret experimenting with them? Do you regret not experimenting with them?

Thank you.

Good luck - Mormon or not, I have no idea how you would ever sell this to a spouse...particularly a wife!! Simply on the basis of all the women I know, I'd place the likelihood of you succeeding at below 5%.

I hear you. I'm not necessarily trying to "sell" anything, per se. I'm more interested in exploring it together (at least verbally).

I'm tired of loathing myself for my "deviant" interests etc. Can I help it that I'm a sexual being with sexual impulses? I long must I repress that?

Mormonism really screwed up my sexuality and I'm paying for it now... In a lot of ways. It really makes me mad. But there isn't really a recourse for action (no pun intended).

Well, I don't know if these are "deviant" interests. It's not good marriage material in my estimation. To me it begs the question of what value is derived from the marriage, because it doesn't seem to be the exclusivity of the relationship. Given that what set's marriage apart from other relationships is that exclusivity, I'm not sure if most people (I recognize that there exceptions) can make that work. After all, take away the sex and emotional intimacy, what else is there in a marriage that's worth sharing besides, bills and responsibilities? I think you may run the risk of reducing your marriage to literally that.

Bump

The fascination with threesomes, open relationships, and swinging is due to them being perceived as a new open field to potentially feast on, which is a trigger for a huge release of dopamine in the brain when fantasizing about them. The brain is like, "What! A new trigger of dopamine? More sexual partners? In new situations? Without guilt! How do I get in on this?!"

The inhibitions that told us "You should feel guilty for even thinking about this" got eroded away with the same inhibitions that told us to think twice about shopping on Sunday.

Having never dabbled in that sexual lifestyle, I'll admit it does sound like those lightening-strike-spikes of dopamine could be fun for all, but it's clear that it leads to no more and quite possibly less life satisfaction than staying monogamous and focusing energy on building only that sexual and emotional connection with more oxytocin generating types of romantic pair-bonding fun (caring for each other)


Unless I had a crazy amount of free time and money spreading my romantic attention thinner over more people would probably just distract me from the quality of my goals and interests and important relationships.

Well, this is this reasoning I tell myself that more is not better when it comes to sexual partners and I am satisfied with one. Works for me.

This was a fantastic way to look at it. Thanks for writing it up!

I believe that for the majority of couples an open marriage will be disastrous to their relationship. I also believe there are exceptions. I would expect those exceptions to be much later in a marriage though there is already so much shared life experiences and deep bonding that sex would seem like a minor indication of love compared to everything else that has been shared or if they start the relationship that way with both parties being comfortable with it from the start.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/24/2013 09:50PM by bc.

I know a couple whose dating relationship was always open to being 'open' and they even began their marriage as an 'open' marriage. To this day, the husband tells me it is ultimately the 'ideal' because you should want your partner to be happy or have what they want, which theoretically means that if it isn't you they want in that moment, then you should be okay with that.
Here's the catch though - as lofty as their ideas on it seem, it STILL didn't work for them!
He has said that both partners have to have absolutely NO jealousy.
Not only that, but it seems that there have to be a lot of 'rules' and you both have to really be on the same page.

In my opinion, there is a lot of potential for a fast fall down a slippery slope. I also feel like part of being in a long term, committed relationship is sticking it out through those phases where it's not as great. If you're introducting other people into the relationship when it's in one of those not so great phases, I think you're really just going to cause more problems, rather than turning to eachother to make things better.

I know that for me a threesome or an open relationship would absolutely not work. I love my wife dearly and I can't even imagine sharing my intimacy with anyone but her, and on the flip side, it would bother me to the point of possible emotional imbalance to know that my wife had been intimate with someone else. That's just me though and has nothing to do with religion.

I'm not saying sex with strangers wouldn't be fun, I'm just not sure it would be worth it. I've managed to give up most of the guilt that being raised Mormon ingrained in me. I'm not hung up on eternal judgement or sin etc. I think I could even deal with tongue clucking neighbors if/when the gossip about it surfaced. What I'm saying is I'm not afraid of sex. I just don't want to hurt my wife.

I happen to be in a mixed faith marriage but even at that, it's a pretty great marriage. We have miss-matched libido issues but I value the relationship more than I value sex at this point. If the situation were different then I'd look closer at making changes.

My heart really breaks for the people I know who don't have sexual fulfillment and also lack a close loving relationship with their spouse. I know a gay man who has been married for more than twenty years. Both of them are miserable. To be gay in a straight marriage wouldn't work for me.

Life is too short to miss opportunities. In my case, I've thought it through and I choose to stay with what I've got. I hope you can stay true to yourself and still make the most of whatever situation you're in.

Good luck

yah hopefully you will feel the same way in another 20 years when you options are more limited by the passing of the prime of your life.

A friend of mine and her husband "invited" someone to participate with them. Husband eventually took a liking to the new person. They are now divorced and he's with the thirdsome.

I converted several years after I was married. However, my wife and I were both Catholic(which also frowns on premarital shenanigans), and against all odds, both of us remained "pure" except with each other. So do I occasionally think about missed opportunities? Sure. But to me, I entered into a life long agreement. Have I ever thought about being unfaithful? Sure. But its nothing I could ever do. If my wife wanted to try different things though, I think at this point in my life I would be open to it. I'm not terribly selfish to the point where I wouldn't want her to experience something she desires especially now that I believe this life is the only one we have. We actually talked about the possibility such ventures and have come to the conclusion that another woman in the equation would be ok (her idea not mine). Now as far as acting on that, not sure how or when the circumstance would present itself.

Anyways lots of rambling, but it's all communication and what each of you are open to. If only one person wants a certain sexual lifestyle, I imagine it could be devastating to the relationship especially if already married and in "agreement" as to your desires. Well, good luck.

Thanks. I have a lot to think about. I appreciate perspective from you all. I'm just learning, I guess...

My spouse and I have been in an open relationship for nearly ten years. It works for us, but we have rules, take lots of precautions and practice safe sex, and are very open about everything. To me, lying is far more offensive than having sex with a different partner. We have not had threesomes (no interest), and our partner count is incredibly low because we are very cautious and talk a lot about whether an experience is worth it. We have been like this from the beginning of our relationship, so I'm not quite sure how to open up a conversation like that in a previously monogamous relationship. (as an aside - we don't have kids and don't plan on having any, so there is no worry about kids finding out)

Despite what some may think, I feel deep love and appreciation for my spouse (and he does for me), and I'm lucky this has been such a positive experience. I think we work very hard to make it that way though. This is obviously just my experience. Everyone is different. I wish you both the best on your journey.

Thank you. Interesting to hear from a woman's perspective (if I understand you correctly). Obviously such relationships seem to be on the rarer end of the spectrum...

My ex husband experimented with sex outside of our marriage. It didn't work out for him. His next wife didn't go for it either. He's been alone for 40 years now. I'm not sure how that's working for him.

Any chance for middle ground between "Chaste, virtuous and reproductive sex" and a threesome? Spouse and I left together, since then have been curious. It is normal. We have been to a great local "relations" store together. It is not seedy. It is all about enjoyment. You can ask questions and get answers. Ideas for new things to try. Is she open to that? There are lots of things more imaginative you can try without opening such a big can of worms.... I realize she may be hesitant because on the surface she thinks it is "dirty". Can you help her see it as means to increase both her and your pleasure? I just never understood sex before and FINALLY think I am getting a clue and a lot more enjoyment because I'm opening my perspective. It is kind of like when you are a kid and your parents want you to try a bite of everything. You don't have to like it. You just try it. Some things you find you really enjoy, other things not so much, and still others kind of grow on you. Sex IS about pleasure and great feelings and strengthening the pair bond as well as reproduction. Experimenting and learning about sex is a positive thing and healthy for your relationship. Good luck on welcoming her to the sex buffet!

As you get older, there seems to be a link between times you orgasm, and prostate health, if you are a guy. Mormons have the highest rate of prostate cancer of any other group, and sexual repression is thought to be the reason why.

so getting off makes you healthy!

come on over here baby daddy needs a little medicine.

now if I can just get her to wear the nurse outfit!