Ok, I just posted for the first time today, so without delay, here's #2.

Now that I'm out, I'm planning on telling my best friend next weekend. Some background info: we're in a relatively high mo populated area, but not UT. Both of us were BIC. A year ago she confided in me that her husband was having doubts and I confided to her that I was having nearly all the same ones. This surprised both of us. Thankfully, she was very tactful and supportive. She and her husband are listening to Mormon Stories together and she's shared insights that she's learned there and been a bit confused when I tell her they don't line up with my personal experience. She is a really amazing person, very thoughtful and giving, and the morg is draining her time and energy. She has a super busy calling which her husband is vocal about his hatred for. Although she is super TBM, she also is open minded and tries to be non-judgemental.

I want to share what I've learned with her in as non-threatening way as possible. I have no doubts that her husband is happy about this. We spoke recently about the fact that I no longer attend and why, and it was a relief for him to have someone to talk about it with that wasn't giving the "pray and have faith" drivel in reply. He promised to keep his mouth shut until I come out to her (I didn't intend to tell him first, it was circumstantial), and I didn't tell him all the details I'm going to share with her.

Our friendship is based on mutual support, honesty, and thoughtfulness. We didn't know that we were both mo until after we got to know each other a bit, so our friendship is legit, not assigned, lol! I know she would rather know the truth about me, and I know how much her life would improve if she knew the truth about TSCC. I am also well aware that the cog-dis could be too much for her to get past, and I will be her supportive friend no matter what. I know she would do the same for me.

What is the best way to go about this and what are the best topics to start with in this situation? Please share your thoughts!

I wouldn't, Daydream. I would start off by telling your friend that you will support her in her faith journey as a Mormon for as long as she walks that road. But you and your husband no longer believe and have decided to go in a different direction. Tell her that you treasure your friendship with her and hope that your decision does not affect it.

If she wants details, ask her if she would be comfortable learning some historical details about the church that paint it in a less than flattering light. If so, point her in the direction of a site like Mormon Think. There is also a video online about why Mormons leave the church -- someone here will have a link to it. If she doesn't want to know the details, that's okay as well.

She may not thank you for sharing information that she'd rather not know. It could come back to bite you. So tread gently.

and it wouldn't hurt her homelife for her to doubt, I'd say go for it.

I would start light, tell her you are having some doubts, and see if she wants to know more.

And if she does, just tell her a little bit at a time and see how she reacts. If she wants to talk about it, then talk. If she shuts down or gets defensive, then back off.

Only tell her as much as she's ready to listen to.

If she asks, say "The church just isn't working for me anymore" and leave it at that. Then answer specific questions as they come up.

Like everyone else is saying, go slow. It took you a period of time to get where you are now. She needs time to catch up.

Meanwhile be a quiet example for her that life can be very very good outside the church.

I'm not sure if you should. But I'll leave that decision to you. I think one of the best ways is to look at things online together. This has the advantage of not pitting you directly against her and helps avoid it turning into as direct of a fight where she feels like you are attacking her directly. That way when she doubts the veracity of something you can say - that's a good question - let's dig deeper and figure it out together. (In other words try to approach it as you and she together against the evidence instead of you against her.)

Here's my recommended Issues 101 curriculum:
http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,758683,758683#msg-758683


Intermediate curriculum:
http://www.mormonthink.com

And my advanced curriculum (which would be following every link on the site - or just perusing for topics of interest):
http://www.mormonprobe.com


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IMPORTANT:

I would NOT have the reasons why you don't believe as your initial discussion. Avoid the topic like the plague. Instead worry about what this means for your relationship. Spend the time and energy re-affirming your friendship and ensuring that your change in beliefs doesn't change that.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 01/23/2013 05:38PM by bc.

I'm not sure what to tell you. The only thing I can guarantee is that you'll know whether or not she's a true friend pretty soon

I agree tread lightly

If it is a journey together it is much easier to understand than simply being told outright.

It's awesome if her husband is already doubting and that she's letting him show her things. I'd just let her know that you don't believe any longer and answer any questions she asks. Don't push her on anything.

My advice is based on my experience with a dear TBM friend; your situation may be totally different.

If you're going to resign/be inactive permanently, tell her exactly that, gently but clearly.

Reaffirm to her how important your relationship is, what a great person she is, and that you intend to be her friend no matter what.

Then, let the matter drop. Stay in her life and talk about other things. If she asks questions about your doubts or about the information you've found, answer her calmly and factually.

Do not vent to her about all the crap in the church. Vent to us here on the board or to your exmo/nevermo friends and family.

The above is what I did with my only TBM friend (the rest of my friends are nevermos or exmos). I was certain that she would be a TBM for the rest of her life. Six months after I left, she announced that she no longer believed and was also leaving!

Thanks for your input everyone, I really appreciate it. It's given me a lot of clarity. We'll see what happens next Saturday. Weird :S