so more on the saga of being true to myself and disclosing to my family what I really believe.

as I posted earlier things went reasonably well, no renting of garments or anything like that, very amicable reception of my statements. of course they have expressed disappointment in me (as is part of the 'training' from youth up.)

I thought maybe the process I went through might help others. So here it is:

I think I came to fully believe the church to be based on a fraud a couple of years ago. of course I had no idea how to tell my family. And back then had no intention to. but, I did bring up piece of upsetting things here and there with my family (my parents and siblings, to my own children I was much more blunt and forthright) I didn't really plan it this way, but I kinda wanted to see if any of my other family had researched as much as I had. so I would bring up questions on polygamy, and various things, I would point out situations where they professed things that were at odds with things the professed to believe (IE democrats are interested in helping others, where as republicans think everyone should work for what they get and the poor somewhat deserve their lot in life. I would point out how JC teachings are more inline the democratic thought)

so in essence here and their they were getting their preconceptions challenged but not at a blatant level for a significant period of time.

I do think this raised suspicion about what I might believe, some siblings talked about how my family were discussed when we weren't there. So at some level for some amount of time they all began to think about it. I am sure their cog dissonance fired off and on some as they tried to reconcile my actions with some of the things I had been saying, all along I was very nice and loving and didn't act in anyway different that before. I had mentioned many times over the years that studying church history was hard on my faith.

finally to the last week where I disclosed outright, in our discussions with each of our family the first statement I made was I have come to believe the church is a fraud. That is a true statement that I think the may have suspected to hear by this point. Thus I didn't hit them so hard with it the blow was softened I think by the questions they had been hearing before. I do think it needed to be said that clearly however. it was important for them to hear distinctly that I doubted the veracity of it all. Looking at it in hindsight, I think if I had dropped the bomb day one, it would have blown up far worse. As it is all of them have expressed that our family relationship doesn't change.

I think they might have hopes of 'saving us' and that is fine. they only want us to be happy, it is hard for them to reconcile that we are happier now than before, it is counter to what their belief system preaches. We plan to participate in family activities just as much as before so they can see how happy we are. I really hope that they will do their own research, who knows, but we are now open and for me any my family that is a good thing.


so in short this is the process that worked for me:

Ask difficult but not too threatening questions, don't hit them with something that will immediately raise their shields. Just things that will get them thinking.

wait

point out that things you are studying are really affecting your beliefs and they cause you struggles.

wait

repeat the above till something happens in your life that brings it all into focus and you have to say something. Focus more on the questions than your own struggles.

wait just enough to gather your thoughts, write down what you think and how you drew your conclusions.

Invite them to dinner in a restaurant, let them eat first, (it can be a tummy churning experience.) The public location also helps people keep a civil head. Be very blunt and straight forward when you tell them. Express love and commitment to a healthy family relationship.

pay for dinner. And hopefully you get hugs after.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/12/2013 11:48AM by sparkyguru.

"I think they might have hopes of 'saving us' and that is fine. they only want us to be happy, it is hard for them to reconcile that we are happier now than before, it is counter to what their belief system preaches."

Of course, if you are happy and things are going well for you and your family, then they will interpret that as evidence that Satan is still working on you, drawing you further away (if that's possible) from their 'church.' And when things don't go well and life's problems arise (which will occur), then they will interpret that as either punishment by god or as the natural result of withdrawing yourselves from the 'church's blessings.'

One really interesting thread that I noticed by the third person we told.

I had recently gone through the temple with my son pre mission (electing to pretend enough to do so because I wasn't about to let him do that without my support)

Anyway the whole family was there, and so happy, etc, etc.

My dad, My bro and my MIL, all had to ask about that. they were very upset that I had gone through the temple without believing. As my MIL put it I was 'mocking god.'

I described my personal experience in that and how mind blowing and upsetting it was to me and how I was expected to believe it was the happiest thing in my life. I told them that I didn't want my son to experience that without me there and I was willing to sacrifice my integrity for my family.

that seemed to be understood, but I keep thinking about that reaction, wondering where it is coming from, it was almost visceral, the look on their fact indicated they were feeling anger.

Perhaps they view (as I did at one time) that 'going through the temple' was an affirmation that you are a 100% believer in their 'church'. They can't imagine that anyone would go (or want to go) through these secret ceremonies who was not a true believer in it all. I think they - and many others - would be surprised at the number of people who 'go through the temple' who are not 100% true believers, and who are put off (and frankly appalled) by the ceremonies, words, and actions taking place there.

When they ask why you would go there when you didn't believe, a snarky reply could be "Why not? I go to the zoo once in a while to see stange things" or "I enjoy going to freak shows once in a while."

I did get a little snarky with my MIL, because she was the third one to hit that topic, I started asking her why it was such a big deal to her. Got the mocking God comment. And I said that since I don't believe in the origins of the temple that it wasn't possible for me to think I was mocking god.

Believers of all stripes want to credit god over crediting humanity.

Last weekend a friend and I celebrated the one year anniversary of a kidney donation - I gave one of mine to him. He invited everyone who had been wishing us well and praying, and just curious to come and celebrate the successful outcome.

Some of his friends are born again. One very sweet woman could not wrap her head around why I, an atheist leaning, agnostic humanist would do something so "christlike."

When people ask me to explain why I did what I did I say it is because I want to live in the kind of world where people really do go beyond the extra mile and not just for family members. I want to honor the memory of those who risked their lives protecting Jews in the holocaust, of firefighters and rescue workers who ran into the twin towers - that sort of thing.

This woman says she witnesses because she wants to make sure everyone she loves goes to heaven with her. She gave me a hug upon leaving and said, "I still think god is in this somewhere."

I embraced her warmly and said "And if he is I am sure he loves all of us enough to let everyone in to heaven," and then she left.

I think it is important that we speak our truths. One of the many factors that "got me thinking" was some Utah neighbors taking the temple prep class and asking, "why does heavenly father require money to go to the temple?"

I really like your steps for truth sharing sparkyguru - keep up the good work.

The only way to avoid disappointing people is to live your life entirely for them. The reward is that they are not disappointed, but then you build the expectation that you will cater to them. The cost is your life and self-respect.

If you want to live your life on your own terms, then you have to get used to disappointing people. Too bad for them, they will get over it. My parents got over me being gay. If I had done what they wanted, I would have wasted years of my life trying to please them. It's a small pain to them, but a huge cost to me.

Even if you stayed in the church, there are so many other ways you will disappoint them. Did you get married on time? Did you have kids when they expected? Did your children live up to their expectations?

At some point, you have to tell your parents to stick it. Gay people learn this pretty early. Once your parents get over the initial shock, they will respect you as an adult, even if they still don't like it. It's an important part of growing up and separating yourself as an individual.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. This is a perfect post to share with my son who is learning to deal with his own disaffection and all of the fallout that it brings with it from those around him.



axeldc Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> The only way to avoid disappointing people is to
> live your life entirely for them. The reward is
> that they are not disappointed, but then you build
> the expectation that you will cater to them. The
> cost is your life and self-respect.

That is so very true!


> If you want to live your life on your own terms,
> then you have to get used to disappointing people.

This too.


> Too bad for them, they will get over it. My
> parents got over me being gay. If I had done what
> they wanted, I would have wasted years of my life
> trying to please them. It's a small pain to them,
> but a huge cost to me.
>
> Even if you stayed in the church, there are so
> many other ways you will disappoint them. Did you
> get married on time? Did you have kids when they
> expected? Did your children live up to their
> expectations?
>
> At some point, you have to tell your parents to
> stick it. Gay people learn this pretty early.
> Once your parents get over the initial shock, they
> will respect you as an adult, even if they still
> don't like it. It's an important part of growing
> up and separating yourself as an individual.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/12/2013 02:16PM by Bite Me.

I can't tell you how much I HATE the phrase "disappointed in you".

NOBODY has the right to be disappointed in me, except ME.

A person who says they are disappointed in you, is essentially saying they have a position of authority and judgement over you. That might be true if you were still their child, or if they were your teacher, or the boss who pays your salary.

I don't know about you, but I've grown up, graduated, and I work for myself. Nobody gets to tell me they are disappointed in me.

If they are disappointed in you, let them deal with it. BTW, there is a big difference between disappointment that you won't be part of their celestial fantasy vs. disappointment in YOU. I think it's possible to be compassionate to the first scenario, while setting a firm boundary against the second.

It doesn't make sense to me that someone can be disappointed in a belief. Belief is not a choice. You either believe something, or you don't.

What exactly are they disappointed in? That you didn't avert your eyes and just keep sipping the koolaid?

there is a logic to the disappointment, Your beliefs are in a forever family, that includes marching to the drum of mormon belief. If a person is not a believer they don't make the CK with you and they breakup the mormon family in the hereafter. From the Mo perspective you are deluded, and in their mind that is a choice. For them to maintain belief (since they are required to profess the church is the only true church) you have to be deluded (or confused by santa ;)) or you were offended, or you are a sinner. Two out of three of those imply a choice. The third, well maybe you chose to read some anti-mormon stuff, and that is your fault too. It is the way you are wired when you are on the inside and the only way the cog diss lets you deal with it.

I like how you make your point grey, I think that is one of those hard to reconcile tidbits that is gonna slip into my conversations in the future.

It makes perfect sense... you're dealing with a TBM and religion. Their own personal identity is so intertwined with their religious beliefs that in their mind, they are one. You attack or question the validity of the belief, then you are attacking them. It is almost nearly impossible for them to make the distinction separating the two.