My tbm husband has a guilt complex about masterbating thanks to the church! He masterbated and looked at porn when he was a teenager and I think this has caused him some pretty fucke* up guilt conditioning. He says he is not willing to masterbate because he feels it is against the church. On nights where we don't feel like sex he asks me to masterbate him. The wierd thing is he basically just uses my hand and masterbates himself with it. I have told him he might as well be able to do it on his own since he is half way there already. He refuses but I guess there is a chance he might be doing it secretly and too embarassed to tell me. I have even heard from mormon therapists that masterbation is a very healthy important thing for men and that it helps with stress management. I feel like I need to be helping him not hurting him.

Never thought I'd find myself in a scenario to give this advice, but perhaps tell him you like to watch, and then do the same while watching. It would show that it's ok for him to do, that you not only don't mind, but like that he does, and shows that you're doing it too.

I doubt you're gonna convince him, unless he stops being TBM.

My wife just asks for sex, and I happily oblige... but she often has to wait (i.e. till I get home from work, or the kids are asleep, etc...)

It would be so much easier and more relaxing for her to be able to take care of it when she needs/wants.

I've tried to talk to her about it, and let her know that I don't care if she masturbates... but I don't think it will ever trump the church guilt.

On the plus side though, essentially masturbating for your spouse scores you brownie points, and leads to a grateful/selfless spouse for the next sexual encounter.

you're a great wife. Second of all....wait a minute there is not second of all.

I was doing it secretly and she thought I was hiding something really deviant. She almost killed me when she found out my big, dark secret. We almost broke up over it before I came clean. So stupid. Keep working on him and hopefully he'll come around. I did.

The word masturbation was created by a person or persons who intentionally used the letter U instead of E. This person or persons thought that masturbation ought to be spelled funny because it was a bad thing to do. It should be spelled M-A-S-T-E-R-B-A-T-E. Masterbate. Masterbation is the way to go.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/10/2013 11:57AM by behindcurtain.

Good point, truly you are a master debater. ;)

The question then is whether you are also a cunning linguist?

Unfortunately as long as he is a tbm I'm not sure what you can do.

There may be a very rare bishop who decides it's not a big deal but most of them will decline a temple recommend if you masturbate and not let you take the sacrament. Some will even dis-fellowship if you masturbate and don't stop.

My BIL bishop is probably about as cool as bishops get. He told my wife that he went easy on masturbation when he was first called but toughened up on it over time.

Largely thanks to Spencer Kimball,Boyd Packer & Mark E Peterson masturbation is considered a grievous sin in modern Mormon culture. (I could supply you links to quotes by them confirming that masturbation is horrid, but it won't help any...)

So yeah, it's ridiculous...



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 01/10/2013 12:09PM by bc.

Let me tell you how masterbation affected me. I will never, ever touch my bed during the day. If I do I will immediately wash my hands. I am concerned that I might be touching sperm. I will never lie down on my bed during the day. I perform various rituals between the time I get up and take a shower. I take a shower every single day, without fail, unless I stay in bed all day. I often procrastinate taking a shower because it is such a hassle to do so. I'll go to a truckstop shower if my shower isn't working, and I'll take my clothes with me in multiple grocery bags. I used to spend even longer in the shower and I would cake my hands with soap so they looked like I had dragged them across the cement. It was worse when I was a believer, but not a lot worse.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/10/2013 12:07PM by behindcurtain.

I too, have issues like that. The morning after sex i have to strip and change the bed in case our kids ever wanted in our bed another night.

I found out i have ocd. You might want to check out symptoms of ocd to see.

Whrn we were first married, the only instruction being to wear garments night and day, i thot we had to have a shower as well as change the sheets after sex! Sure made sex into a chore! Fortunately i stopped that fairly quickly!

That's nice of you to lend him a hand.

All I can say is WOW. I left the church too early to experience the truly bizzare stuff like this. I always feel the worst for the women in the church because of all the pressure to look and act fake and then to top it off, they have to deal with stuff like this. I hope when you guys do have sex that he does whatever you ask. Goes down on you, etc.

Good grief!

Wow sounds like some form of OCD. Have you talked with a Dr. about this? I have something that is a bit similar to this and I have OCD as well.

My bishop would not let me continue attending BYU after I told him I masturbated.

In all my years at BYU I never had a male friend that didn't admit that he did it. Every single one. It was a big game. They'd ask, we'd deny.
No way I could have survived BYU without the big M.

Asshole. Church is for those without sin and school is for those who already know everything, apparently...

I lived in Mississippi for awhile. I visited a new doctor. I told my doctor I had an MBA, and that I delivered pizzas. He said, "That's certainly noble, but why don't you have a better job with your MBA?" I said, "Masturbation." I then started to explain the fact that I didn't learn enough in my undergraduate years to get a better job, because my bishop forced me to graduate early before I had a chance to do more exploring to try to find a really good second major. After that the doctor said, "How do you like Mississippi?" True story.

My parents think I have OCD, but I will not take SSRI's for it, because I have read that those pills are extremely dangerous.

Your parents "think" so?

It would seem very clear that you have some kind of compulsive proclivities...

Whether or not you take SSRI's I would sincerely encourage you to seek some help. This can rob you of your life if you aren't proactive about treatment etc. I hope for the best for you, behindcurtain.

There are some effective treatment modalities that do and do not include medications. Some are more or less effective depending on the person, but any relief would be welcome I should think.

I'm sorry but I have to reply to this. Sometimes it takes trying many different drugs until you find the right one that works. I've not tried SSRI's but you can say that any drug is potentially dangerous. I was on heart rhythm drugs for many years until it failed and I had to find another one that worked.

I've just been diagnosed with cancer yet again and am taking super rounds of chemo to follow with radiation followed by 10 years or more of pills, all of which are dangerous. But, as they say, it beats being dead.

All I'm saying is that it might be worth a try of a few SSRI's to see if any of them actually work. They might just help out.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Good luck to you and keep us posted as well. Chemo is no walk in the park, I wish you the best!

there are cognitive behavior treatments and exposure response treatments you can do without pills.

If you can't find a therapist/ can't afford one try Mind Over Mood workbook. It's the one my therapist used with me and can be found in a bookstore or amazon.

If you're interested go to http://myjourneythruocd.blogspot.ca/2011_05_01_archive.html to see how cbt and erp have helped me. I also take pills but with the therapy have cut my dosage in half. I hope to be off the pills one day. They make me very sleepy.

Maybe you could try to make it part of your intimacy by both doing it at the same time. Or you could introduce it as part of the "last phase" of the act of making love together. Tell him that you would enjoy seeing him whackin it for the final part and he could watch you finish up too.

If that doesn't fix his thinking then he is doomed to be shamed into controlling his sex (with you) so he can sit with the bishop and smile and say he doesn't touch his pee pee. The man is deathly afraid of shame.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/10/2013 12:40PM by upsidedown.

You must have a really nice touch if he'd rather have you do it. Personally, I'd rather self-serve if my DW isn't available for the whole enchilada, because, frankly, she doesn't have the right touch when she goes into manual overdrive for me. She's either too fast, too slow, or its no not here, do it there, etc. If he'd prefer that you do it, you should take that as a compliment.

My DW is just the opposite of you. As i've implied, she is willing to drive stickshift for me, but for some reason, she thinks that if I do it on my own, I'm somehow being a bad person.

Well I get the worst of both worlds. My wife is not willing to drive stick shift - she resents it. Plus I'm a pervert if I masturbate and I'm a pervert who can't control his appetites if I went sex with her more than she does.

I hate the morg - that's what taught her to think that way.

Well, they had to give the women some form of control, since they put men in charge of everything else in the church ;)

I'm sorry. That sucks.

Heh.

Well it's a mixed bag - she's felt plenty of pressure that she's supposed to be more interested in sex so that I won't be tempted to masturbate. So they set it up to just suck for everyone.

The ONLY answers I've ever heard are:
Pray it away - pray and God will take it away.
And in stake conference - the stake president: "brethren, get over it!"

Not. helpful.

Yeah, we once had a lesson entitled "Don't lust after your wives"

It was this weird sterilization of sex. They SP was essentially teaching the brethren that if we weren't thinking about the CK while doing it, we were being evil.

Luckily that was AFTER I had started doubting the church, so I just filed that one under "Ummm.... no"

I thought masturbation was only a sin before you got married?

Nope. I confessed a few years ago and got the sacrament taken away for 4 months. I was told if it happened again I would get dis-fellowshipped. I'm married.

I once told my TBM wife that I thought a hot fantasy would be seeing her masturbate. She was mad at me for 3 weeks for thinking something so evil would be sexy. (Note: I very much was NOT requesting it - she wasn't mad that I was pressuring her for it - she was mad because I would be interested in something so evil.)

It would seem more a sin AFTER marriage. Presumably, a TBM has no other outlet before being sealed. After that, one is not giving everything to the DW.

male or female)

My one dog would do it all day, if i didn't stop her!!!

It's a normal behavior.

Not that i thot that as a tbm, tho.

heck, i thot that if my son had an erection while i was changing his diaper, i was molesting him or something, so i always put the diaper cream in the diaper instead of on him! Put church and ocd together and it's an ugly picture!!!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/10/2013 05:45PM by karin.

Some of the best advise I ever got before marriage.

Ok, here are the facts: Women are often slower at sexual arousal and longer to completion. Men are often faster. Therefore, we have the old saying:

"Ladies First".

To make sure your wife always gets satisfied, take your own time sir -- masturbate (or mutually-masturbate, or oral) HER FIRST. If she has multiple climaxes all the better.

When you're sure she's happy, then it's your turn to do whatever the two of you like.

But the entire thing centers around the mutual acceptance, appreciation and application of Masturbation. It's a huge help!

That advice, by the way, came from an older uncle - who had once been a Bishop.