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Posted by: turnonthelights ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 04:33PM

Of the three daughter in-laws I am the only one that does not call my in-laws mom and dad. I call them by their names. My mother in-law is very offended by this and rubs it in my face everytime we get together. The reason that I have chosen not to call them mom and dad is that I dislike both of them. My mother in-law is a pushy rude women who doesn't understand boundaries and my father in-law is a very strange pedophile who is into young men. He was released as bishop for this reason. I also have chosen to call them by their names to set clear boundaries. Neither of my parents ever called their in-laws mom and dad and my sisters also don't call/feel pressured to call their in laws mom and dad. I feel like it is an old tradition and a strange one that not many people do anymore. I guess if I married into a wonderful family I would be willing to call them mom and dad if they expected it but this has obviously not been the case.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/25/2012 04:40PM by turnonthelights.

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Posted by: jaredsotherbrother ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 04:38PM

Better a little rude than dishonest. I actually really like my stepmom, but even after 25 years, I can't get myself to call her mom. Because she's not mine.

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Posted by: paintinginthewin ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 04:44PM

you don't have to justify knowing that you HAVE a mom and dad

and refusing to use their name on anyone ELSE

even if the person was wonderful in many ways they would deserve a nickname or name of fondness added to their own name- NOT the name you USE for you OWN MOM and DAD.

no one can take that from you, the magic in it is the fondness of love- its the holiness of a name; & when there was love, & it was even fairly effectual- the name mom the name dad the name father it is a symbol of love

which might be why they use it for 'god' ie father is one of the names of symbols of god. love.

WOW got deep on you. oh well. I don't know but I dont' think one demands the name of love. LOL

its just not effective when its done. you don't demand love and you don't demand to be called love. you create love. a loving environment you give love you offer up love = you do not you never demand to be called by the name of love. its not right to me, it, it just doesn't sound right.

something cumbersome of a non love moment, a non love relationship- requring, shaming, the non- (false) naming- of being requring and demanding publiclly to be called the name of love, and
even more- to require a holiness, a holy or sacred unique naming of love which is the bond of birth - a very holy earned merited naming-

for someone else to require it? that is not holy.

they get a nick name or their own name, and if there is love, and it is real, it can be a FOND nickname.

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Posted by: suzanne ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 04:47PM

No, it isn't rude. I agree with you that it seems like kind of a stange and old fashioned way of doing things.

My inlaws arent crazy about me either (it began when we met and I explained to them that my mom and I converted to TSCC when I was 9... how a 9 year old converts to anything is another story I guess...)

Anyway, they have never asked me to call them mom and dad... but they INSIST that their SIL call them that.

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 04:53PM

My family uses first names for in-laws. My mom decided what she wanted her grandchildren to call her ("Nana.") I think that your position is entirely reasonable, especially under the circumstances.

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Posted by: scmd ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 05:00PM

My wife and I both call the in-laws by first names.

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Posted by: Tupperwhere ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 05:06PM

just do what makes you feel comfortable. I would feel weird calling them something else too so you're not alone!

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Posted by: omreven ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 05:11PM

I never called my in-laws mom and dad. They're not my parents.

Never called my stepparents mom or dad either. For the kids, they are called gramma and grampa.

For my in-laws, I was likewise the only one who did not address them as mom and dad. I think this was brought up at some point, but I don't recall it ever becoming an issue. If they felt slighted by that, I'm sorry, but they're not my parents, I don't see why I should have to address them as such. I don't see what the problem is.

No one else I know addresses their in-laws as mom or dad either.

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Posted by: Cheryl ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 05:14PM

I never call my mother in law "Mom," and didn't think I was being rude.

Could you tell her you call your own mother "Mom" and are not comfortable using the term for anyone else nor is she?

It sounds like your MIL can't be easily pleased and it's probably no use trying excessively hard to do the impossible.

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Posted by: Greyfort ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 05:17PM

I don't think I could call people Mom and Dad if they weren't my parents. I probably would just avoid calling them anything, unless I actually had to call them to the phone or something. Then I'd just use their names.

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Posted by: The Oncoming Storm - bc ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 05:18PM

IMO, it's your choice and not rude. To continually harp on it however is rude.

Have you tried something direct like:
"I appreciate you raising my husband, however for me personally that is not something I am comfortable doing. I feel it cheapens the sacrifice my parents have made to give that title to someone who is not my mother - I'm not comfortable calling you mother and I'm not going to call you mother. Will you please drop it?"

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Posted by: Susan I/S ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 07:22PM

I always called my in laws Mom and Dad. So did their other kids spouses. They were very easy going and I never thought twice about it. Even when I was getting after Dad for..... inappropriate language I called him Dad. I think the only thing that matters is that it is what is COMFORTABLE for both parties.

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Posted by: licoricemoratorium ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 05:20PM

My mother-in-law has always (18 years) wished I called her and her husband "mom and dad" but it's just not happening. I call them by their first names. They hardly act like "mom and dad" to their own oldest child (my husband). So they sure as hell aren't getting it from me. I think it was last year that my mother-in-law decided to shrilly and fake-giggly push the issue one more time and I just flat-out said that my mother has been dead since I was ten years old and "mom" isn't a word that I'm comfortable with as I still called my mother "mommy" when she passed away. That shut her up even though it isn't the reason why I don't call them mom and dad.

They just aren't a mom and dad. They aren't even a grandma and grandpa to our four kids, so they should count their blessings that we use those words for them. It's definitely a method I use for keeping distance right back at them. They keep us at arm's length with their behavior, so I keep them at arm's length with their monikers.

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Posted by: Stray Mutt ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 05:20PM

I had very few opportunities to talk to them, and when I did, there was no need to insert a name or title.

On top of that, my wife had VERY strained relations with them. Her mother had beat her most of her childhood and her father didn't protect her. I was surprised she would have anything to do with them. But she invited them for a Christmas and a couple of Thanksgivings. However, after her mother died she managed to patch things up with her fathers. She called him by his name, though.

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Posted by: The Oncoming Storm - bc ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 05:22PM

Personally once in a while I call my mother-in-law mom - once every 2-3 years or so. Otherwise I avoid using any name at all. I don't talk to a whole lot in general.

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Posted by: rachel1 ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 05:24PM

I've never called my in-laws mom and dad, nor did I ever call my stepmom Mom. My stepdad, OTH, I do call Dad because he was more of a father/dad figure to me than my birth father ever could hope to be (I was raised by both sets of parents).

I do call my FIL Pop because that's what his sons call him and it just fits.

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Posted by: PapaKen ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 05:29PM

How about your aunt? Do you say "Aunt Mary?" or just "Mary?"

My aunt, whose name is Joyce, got a divorce from her 1st husband about 20 years prior to a Thanksgiving dinner at Joyce's home, to which I was invited. Joyce and her ex's parents remained close after the divorce, and they were also invited to the T. dinner.

I've never felt comfortable calling Joyce "Aunt Joyce." She seemed so modern & unpretentious. So I simply called her Joyce the whole time I was there.

After a while, Joyce's pushy controlling (and LDS, in case you were wondering) ex-MIL piped up at the dinner table: "Ken, how am I going to get you to call your aunt "Aunt Joyce?" To show proper respect, you know."

I just smiled and said it was really up to Joyce. Joyce defended me saying "It's fine, Ken. Don't worry about it."

Hooray for Joyce, who happens to be my aunt!!

Also, I always called my parents-in-law by their first names. They never complained - not to me, anyway.

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 05:58PM

My niece and nephew have called me by my first name ever since they could lisp it out. :-)

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Posted by: janebond462 ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 07:14PM

I never called my mom's siblings & spouses Aunt or Uncle. Just their first name or nickname. However, I always called my grandparents' siblings Aunt xxx or Uncle xxx

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Posted by: fidget ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 06:07PM

My husband calls my mom, mom. But he calls my dad, Bob. He is more comfortable with my mom than my dad, and mom has done more for him than his own mother ever did.

My FIL is dead. I may have called him das had I got the chance. My MIL? Not a chance in hell. I have no respect for the woman.

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Posted by: NormaRae ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 06:30PM

It would have been weird to use their first names because I'd known them since childhood and they were always "Brother and Sister D." But I hated calling them Mom and Dad. Mostly I'd try to wait until they looked at me and start talking. Once we divorced, I made a big deal of referring to them by their first names.

That's why I asked my sons/daughters-in-law to call me by my first name from the beginning. I think they appreciated that.

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Posted by: janebond462 ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 07:10PM

DH parents are divorced so I have 2 sets of in-laws (all nice, thank God!). I call them by their first names except for his stepfather who I call by his nickname, Emperor.

DH's BIL calls my MIL Mom and I think she loathes it b/c she can't stand him.

I'm thankful that none of them ever asked to be called Mom or Dad. My very non-PC answers would've been: 1. I've already got a Mom and 2. I didn't call my own father Dad, I'm not calling anyone else that.

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Posted by: emma forgot login ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 07:12PM

I don't think it's rude - I've never called my in-laws mom or dad because they aren't my mom or dad. I already have my own, and don't need another set. Just my two cents.

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Posted by: imaworkinonit ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 07:19PM

I always thought it was right to call in-laws "Mom and Dad", and when I call them anything, I call them that.

But it feels weird. I really lucked out on the in-laws, but they are not MY mom and dad. I think it cheapens the title to give it to someone who didn't raise you. It feels fake.

So I avoid saying it.

I wish they'd just have us say their first names. I'll have to tell my kids' spouses to do that.

Some of my kids' friends call me "mom". At times, when it's a friend who I care deeply about (including one we've considered taking into our home), it's okay. Other times, when it's someone who annoys me, and who is trying to be overly chummy, I want to tell them that they are NOT my kid. But I don't.

In the case of your MIL, I'd be very pointed. "We've talked about this before. While I appreciate you raising a wonderful son, my own parents are the ONLY ones who will ever get those titles from me." (Besides, would that sound like your husband is your brother, if they were YOUR parents, too?)

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Posted by: Mia ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 07:46PM

It would seem odd to me if my son or daughter in laws called me mom. They have mothers. I prefer they call me by my first name. Once my children have children everyone will probably call me Nana or or something similar. I'm ok with that too. I just don't ever want to be called grandma. That word does not have good associations for me.

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Posted by: Surrender Dorothy ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 08:10PM

My MIL was a pushy, rude woman who pitched a fit and then was "deeply hurt" that I did not call her and her husband mom and dad. I loved my parents and THEY were mom and dad. Everyone in my family called their in-laws by their first names and even though my parents treated their sons-in-law better than their own parents treated them, the sons-in law always called my mom and dad by their first names--no offense taken.

MY MIL decided I had to call them Brother and Sister LastName if I wasn't going to call them M&D. This was after I had been calling them by their first names for months and months. That was to be my great punishment. I avoided calling them by name, but when I did, it was by their first names. Her edict came too late to break me of the habit.

I don't find it rude that you don't want to call them M&D, but I find it very rude that she is trying to push it on you, especially when you feel so strongly about it. If you have kids, you could do the old standby of calling them grandma and grandpa. If you don't have kids, THAT would probably be rude. ;)

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Posted by: RichardtheBad (not logged in) ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 08:24PM

Never really thought about it. I guess I call them by their first names, but every now and then will call them Papa Bob, or Mama Ann. But then I have other elderly mentors that I do the same with who aren't related in any way.

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Posted by: honestone ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 08:44PM

I never called my mother in law - when I had one for 29 yrs.- way. She was not my mom. They are two different people and I would not share that title with anyone. My mom has it as her own and it will always be that way. My ex didn't care. When I had kids I would say... Go ask "Grandma" and we left it at that. She recently died. She was a good to my kids when they were young, but she was a very strange compulsive woman....had to be busy all the time. She made me nervous with her inability to relax. That was just one way she was so unlike my own mom.

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Posted by: exrldsgirl ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 08:57PM

I agree with the many posters here who say it's fine to call your in-laws by their first names if that's what you're more comfortable with.

But here's a quote from the original post: The reason that I have chosen not to call them mom and dad is that I dislike both of them.

Maybe this is what they are picking up on and why they are upset about it.

It still doesn't change anything; if you don't like them and don't want to call them "mom" and "dad," then you shouldn't. And they should stop asking you to after you've told them that you're not going to.

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Posted by: SusieQ#1 ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 09:19PM

It's too bad that people get hung up on such small things and make them into such big things.

Why not just be grateful people are in your life? Seems reasonable to me.

We don't have to like and appreciate everyone, but we can be polite and respectful of them as people.

Seems simple enough.

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Posted by: ness ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 09:53PM

If you don't feel comfortable, don't do it.
I never called my step mom growing up... She never treated me like her kid, I never liked her, and my biological mom would get upset if I called her "mom" since she's not my mom. So why should I call her mom?

I call my in-laws mom and dad.. but took a long time for me to, since I grew up calling my step mom by her first name.

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Posted by: librarykim2 ( )
Date: November 25, 2012 10:45PM

This is something I have mixed feelings on. My husband and I work for a youth group where the male advisors are called Dad "last name" and female advisors Mom "last name", so that took some getting used to.
My MIL wanted me to call her mom instead of Ms Gail, I compromised with mom Gail, thanks to our youth group. I do mot have the best relationship with her. My FIL doesn't care. I tend to call him by his first name.


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