Date: November 22, 2012 03:15PM
summer: "As a lifetime single, I made up my mind a long time ago to never break up a marriage. It takes a firmly made up mind along with discipline, but not everyone has that. I used to be hurt that certain wives didn't want to socialize (as a couple) with me. Now I get it. They don't want to take the risk."
I agree totally with summer's comment. It takes women cheating on women to end up with a man who has a wife and a mistress. I've long called for women to quit abusing their sisters in this way. Not that it isn't also the fault of the man who is cheating. I can, only just, understand a sudden spontaneous event when two people meet and get into a situation that promotes and allows for intimacy. I can't understand ongoing affairs that call for long term lies and sneaking around. I prefer the be-true-to-your-partner-or-decisively-break-up approach.
I've also experienced the social freeze by married women. I used to think it was cold and nasty of them to be so proprietorial with their husbands, usually unnecessarily so. Then I began to realize how prevalent cheating is. Who can blame a wife for wanting to hang onto her husband, literally. Yes, in some cases it would seem that every single woman is a threat.
I feel that women should do their part to keep their paws off men who are demonstrably unavailable. I could never imagine being happy in a relationship that only existed because of cheating that broke up a family. Of course, the man who is in a committed relationship should do his major part by being faithful despite temptations.
In a perfect world, that is. Things happen. People make mistakes or exercise disastrous judgement. For exmos, part of this could be the regret they come to feel about decisions they may have made differently if they had been freed from the religious expectations of a rigid group in their earlier years. They may pine for the lost chance of "sowing wild oats" (especially men it seems). They have to ask themselves if engaging in the oats thing later in life, at the cost of a family breakup, is really worth it.
For the "other woman", often it doesn't work out the way they imagine. He doesn't turn out to be their knight (if that's what they were looking for). He is already somebody else's knight. The chances are good that he will choose his already-family, despite having had an affair. I wish that more women could visualize the scenario of him being with wife and family on every holiday, if only out of "duty", while they are sitting alone. Surely they deserve better. As does his wife.
I see affairs as women cheating on women. We could stop that. End of problem.
Meanwhile, nobody comes here to be judged. I can sympathize with the fact that the outcome of whatever choices someone makes can be hurtful. It's pretty much a live-and-learn kind of life. We're all striving for happiness, a worthwhile goal. I wish and hope that everyone finds their own, one that provides what they need, in an honest and open and giving and loving way.
To augustnite: I'm not singling you out with my comments, just agreeing with summer's remarks, as a single woman who knows a lot of husbands! I'm sorry for your pain. You too are part of my wishes for everyone to find legitimate happiness in their own healthy relationship, if that's what they're looking for.
I agree with you, augustnite, that it's better to go with conscience than heart, or at least a combination of the two. If your conscience is bothering you, likely something is not right (unless you are still troubled by an overly active conscience that has been trained by rigid religious belief, which is something to perhaps redefine for yourself). The heart is known to be far less rational, which is why going by "feelings" is often not the best way to make decisions. In any case, good luck to you. I hope you find more happiness in a different relationship, if that's your desire. You deserve to find your own partner who is fully devoted to you. Don't settle for less!
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/22/2012 03:22PM by Nightingale.