Hello! I'm a long time lurker and this is my first post :)

After finding out the truth about the church I've decided that I really cannot keep living a lie anymore. My situation is a bit complicated so I will go through my story.

I'm 18, from the UK and was born into the church, so I've done everything - primary, YM, seminary etc. But the one thing that I really did not want to do was go on a mission. My parents however, really, really wanted me to go, so I (reluctantly) agreed. So a few months ago I was sent off to the MTC in Provo to learn Vietnamese. That was one of the worst things I ever did. I felt so trapped and restricted. I couldn't do anything as I always had someone next to me watching what I was doing!

Before I left for the MTC I was planning on going to university to study music, as that is what I really want to do. But at the MTC, I wasn't able to do what I wanted, and was told "surely you can give up two years of your life for God" when I said that I wanted to study music. That made me feel so guilty for wanting to leave. I fell into the worst depression I have ever felt. I frequently had suicidal thoughts and thought how nice it would be to die so I could end it all. I am so happy I am out of there now, as they (surprisingly) let me go back home without much persuasion. I was only there for a few weeks.

Another thing that hurt me was going through the temple for the first time. No wonder people call it a cult! I felt so sick throughout the whole thing, and I couldn't understand why I had to do something like this.

So now I have been really lucky, as I got accepted to one of the top music courses in the UK. But now I have another problem. As I applied late, I wasn't able to get accommodation, so I had to resort to lodging - and they are a TBM family! So that means I go to church with them, I am encouraged to go to institute etc etc. However, they are very understanding as I have talked to them about what I have gone through and tell me that if I want to leave the church, that's fine, as I'm an adult now.

It's my parents though that I could never tell. They don't know half of what I went through in the MTC and they are so TBM I don't think anything will make them budge. I just don't feel like having the church in my life will make me a better person, as I can still have morals in my life without it, right? And it just bogs me down whenever I hear about Joseph Smith and how sugar coated everything is that the church teaches.

What can I do? I feel really stuck at the moment..



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/19/2012 06:07PM by miggols99.

very overwhelming. I would go to your courses, and concentrate on that. If you feel up to going to church with your host family every once in a while, go, but I wouldn't discuss it much with them. They probably would feel incumbent to call your folks and tell them "they are worried about you". Institute? Don't go. Not worth your time and energy. And, I wouldn't talk to your folks about this, until you have had time to really digest it all. I'm very glad the MTC let you go back home without much prodding, and that you are home safe. Being an ex can be a hard journey, but it's worth it!

focus on your studies
focus on your studies
focus on your studies

and lie to mom and dad til YOU are ready to open up to them.

btw-mormon parents generally prefer lies to unwelcome truths

Wow, good for you miggols99!! You should be given a metal of honor for finding out the truth and accepting the consequences no matter what happens. I have been having a very long back and forth conversation with our Bishop trying to convince him that he is stuck in the church because of his loyalty.

You have to understand that many people in the church, your parents especially, are loyal to the church. It has nothing to do with searching for the truth anymore for them or any other TBM. They believe they have found the truth and will stick their head as far down in the sand as is required to ignore the overwhelming evidence that stands to the contrary. Once they are in the church and have invested in it, they are no longer truth seekers, they are loyal and committed. This is the main reason for the temple. To raise your arm to the square and profess your loyalty to the church without reservation.

The best thing you can do is to shield yourself from church influence as much as you can until you feel comforable with all the facts. You have to arm yourself first. Go to mormonthink.com and study. When anyone questions why you are not going to church, or why you don't go to institute, etc... you can tell them that you have learned that the Book of Mormon was fabricated and that Joseph Smith was a liar.

I would get out of the TBM home as soon as you comfortably can and I would spent some time building up your knowledge base on mormonthink before you face your parents. You know them better than anyone else so I would trust your instincts on when to face them. But don't let them cower you. Be brave when you finally confront them and just be honest with them. There is no way to predict how they will react, but you can decide up front to be mature and respectful despite any reaction you get from them.

Best of luck and welcome to RFM!!!

Glad to have you here at RFM. One thing you didn't describe is your financial situation. Are your parents paying some or all of your support -- university tuition and fees, room and board, books, clothing, etc.? If the answer is yes, then you must proceed VERY carefully, because if you tell them you no longer believe in the Church then they might cut off all financial support.

I started going to college at age 17 (I skipped my last year of high school). Thanks to having a good-paying summer job during my college years, I was able to pay all my own expenses except for room and board in my parent's house. They provided that free of charge.

At the same time I started college I quit attending Mormon Church meetings. I had become an atheist and I no longer believed in the Church. I never told my parents about that. I simply said that my heavy college workload meant that I did not have time to attend Church, which was basically true.

My parents had known for a long time that I was disgruntled with the Church, so it didn't surprise them when I quit attending. Fortunately they accepted my decision, although I am sure that they didn't like it. But they didn't boot me out onto the street, for which I was very thankful.

Even though you dislike the Mormon Church and don't want to spend time in meetings, I recommend that you try to assess how it would affect your parents if you quit attending meetings. But I don't recommend having a direct confrontation and telling them that you no longer believe. Your parents can always hang onto the hope that you will someday return. I suggest that you let them have that hope and do not discuss the fact that you don't believe in the church. By taking that approach they are more likely to continue to provide financial support.

Only you can address this issue, but I think it is of vital importance for you to do so.

You don't live with your parents anymore. Take advantage of the freedom. Apply for better accomodation for next year. Sundays are an excellent day to practice on your musical skills instead of sleeping through boring meetings. Or you can make it your day off, which means you'll actually have one day off a week. Research everything you want to know about the fraud that is mormonism. Find yourself some nice non-mormon friends and have a little non-church approved fun.

And if you are financially self-sufficient, just resign and tell your parents. You now have the upper hand, if they shun you, you just shun them back. And if they eventually accept (which they might) so much better. There are telephones, email, regular mail, facebook. Do it any way that you feel most comfortable with. It's unpleasant enough as it is.

Speaking as an individual that "did everything right" and waited to confront my growing suspicion that the church was not true, nor was any religion, I put it off, and continued to play the dutiful daughter.

I married young, to the right kind of man.
I put off MY MUSIC degree so he could have his job.


DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR LIFE AND DREAMS FOR THE EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS! DO NOT GIVE UP 1 MINUTE!

I finally told my family, divorced a man whom I never loved (nor did he love me) and went to school for my music degree (composition) at age 24. I am so glad I did.

HOWEVER, because I waited so long, I often feel like I missed out on so much of my life, and my formative years. I constantly feel that I making up for lost time. Not only did I miss out on so much, I put SO MUCH unneeded stress, drama, doubt and guilt into my life.

I wish with all my heart that I had had the courage at your age to not only realize the untruths, but to follow my head and have the courage to be true to myself.

I would imagine that your parents will be more hurt if you lie to them and fake it. This will also hurt yourself AND, if I may be so bold, weaken your resolve, and you may look back later (as I do) and regret not being a stronger person who wished to stand up for myself.

This isn't of course to say "go crazy." No, of course not, you sound way too intelligent and driven to do that.. but do, LIVE. Not in the shadows, not someone else's life, not the dream of your parents, and not in a lie. Live your life.

I would recommend a book that completely altered my opinion of passively living for other, if I may:

"Letters to a Young Contrarian" - Christopher Hitchens

Heck, I'd even send you a copy... that is how important I feel it is.

Seriously- if you want one, hit up my email, I'd even see if there is an audio version, or a version that can be delivered to your ebook or something.

(I know it sounds weird, the offer... but I was so touched and influenced by it, I would love to share it with someone who could use it.--- perhaps that is the old Mormon in me? Trying to spread what I feel is the "good news" of life? ha.)



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/19/2012 08:46PM by intjsegry.

intjsegry Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I would recommend a book that completely altered
> my opinion of passively living for other, if I
> may:
>
> "Letters to a Young Contrarian" - Christopher
> Hitchens
>
> Heck, I'd even send you a copy... that is how
> important I feel it is.
>
> Seriously- if you want one, hit up my email, I'd
> even see if there is an audio version, or a
> version that can be delivered to your ebook or
> something.
>
> (I know it sounds weird, the offer... but I was so
> touched and influenced by it, I would love to
> share it with someone who could use it.--- perhaps
> that is the old Mormon in me? Trying to spread
> what I feel is the "good news" of life? ha.)

That book you mentioned sounds like something that could really help me right now. I need something inspirational as my experience really made me lose a lot of self confidence :( I can't seem to find your email address though?

On the other hand, you don't have to tell them anything.

Just like you (at that age), I wanted out too, but I joined the Army and got away from it all. At that point I realized that I didn't owe them any explaination. It was theirs, not mine.

Go ahead with your life.

and the guts it took to post here. It is a really healthy sign that you are reaching out to those who DO understand you and can offer advice choices.

You have chosen to reject a life of bowing your head and saying, "Yes" --even before you know what you are saying yes to. That is an important value that you can carry with you through life. You will never blindly agree without reading the fine print and getting three estimates, getting a second consultation, or asking about it on RfM.

Now is the time you are forming the way you will handle your adult life--your values. I never advise people to lie because I think speaking your truth with love is the most amazingly powerful thing you can do. You don't have to tell ALL your truth in any particular conversation--that is not wise. Some people stuff their growing understanding of the evil that is this cult until it explodes and they can't control it.

Don't do that.

It usually works out better if you tell your parents a little at a time while simultaneously being the best, most loving, most appreciative daughter you can be. It is very important that you tell your parents at some point now that you are an adult, that you appreciate the values they taught you and you realize that you were very lucky to have them as parents because....(they took you camping every year, they made sure you had violin lessons, Mom taught you how to sew ---whatever is true for you). Do it individually, though, not as a group. You are preparing the soil just like you would for planting seeds. And you will be planting the seeds of truth (not doubt--that is their reaction, or could be if you are patient).

When your intuition tells you the time is right, you refuse to go to church or to discuss the wonderfulness of Joseph Smith, or whatever church-oriented "memorize the prophets" Family Home Evening or whatever they are having and you say, "Excuse me, I'm going to sit this out. I'm in transition with my spirituality and this doesn't appeal to me." Then you go to another room and pull out a book (don't browse the web or chat with friends). Make the book one of the Great Books, like Les Miserables or Bleak House. The family may comment or they might not. They might assume it's homework. Let them.

The next time do the same thing and say that you're going to read your book, The Culture of Religion (a great book, by the way), and if they ask, tell them its not for a class, it's your own spiritual journey. You are studying spirituality through the ages.

I hope you are getting the idea that you are giving the parents you love a chance to get used to the idea that you have your own thoughts and plans for your time. This is preparing the ground for the real zinger: that you have your own thoughts and plans for your LIFE.

You may think you already covered that when you bounced out of the MTC, but I swear that they have rationalized that as being the inflexibility of the MTC, or an instructor that didn't like you, or the fact that you are a free spirit and they didn't understand you like they do, etc. In their paradigm, their worthiness is evaluated based on you, one of the "jewels in their celestial crown." If you love them, you must ease them out of that idea gently, slowly, so they can form the idea that their wonderful daughter is not a believer.

Otherwise, they will form this thought: We have failed in the most important thing we were sent here to do and our whole family will NOT make it to the celestial kingdom. Nothing we say or do matters any more. And then depression sets in and you can end up with parents who are unbelievably ugly towards you.

So think this over and if your inner radar says, "this will work with my folks," go forward with it. There is no perfect way to break this news to parents because they are individuals just like you are and you know them best.

Hugs

Anagrammy

PS. Don't lie to get their money. It is beneath you. If they cut you off financially, you will just get scholarships and work part time, or semester on, semester off, like the rest of us did.

2 things..

I think he is a "Son" not a daughter.

2- I like your advice and your analytical take on them rationalizing it all, and needing to be more direct. THis is VERY TRUE. My father chalked it up to my divorce,when they were 2 separate things, though slightly related by church oppression.

A little at a time works well. I told my parents I had doubts, let it alone, and didn't talk to them for a week weeks... granted when my dad finally talked to me again, it wasn't pretty (but I will leave this out) BUT--- I had calmed down, reclaimed my center, and didn't shock him SO MUCH.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/19/2012 08:50PM by intjsegry.

A beautiful quote I read this morning that applies here-


"“Beware the irrational, however seductive. Shun the 'transcendent' and all who invite you to subordinate or annihilate yourself. Distrust compassion; prefer dignity for yourself and others. Don't be afraid to be thought arrogant or selfish. Picture all experts as if they were mammals. Never be a spectator of unfairness or stupidity. Seek out argument and disputation for their own sake; the grave will supply plenty of time for silence. Suspect your own motives, and all excuses. Do not live for others any more than you would expect others to live for you.”
― Christopher Hitchens

Can't you change host families?

At any rate, you are an adult and you are under no obligation to accompany those people to their church.

They are not even family, so why are they involved in your private life in the first place?
Renters don't owe their landlords any explanations about their religion.

Since you already know the morg is a crock, just resign.
Or simply refuse to interact with Mormonism and its reps any longer.

I think another great question is-

How can you NOT leave now that your eyes are open?

The struggle is absolutely worth the price of your freedom...

1. do what is necessary to get through school even if it means keeping your beliefs to yourself and go to church once in a while to appease the landlords.

2. I am very interested to know what vehicle/s you used to access information that led you out. Such as laptop after hours, iphone while at church, Ipad at school.

I have son, 19, just started university here in the UK. Firstly congratulations on being accepted to a good course.
You do not have to tell your parents everything. Although I like to know all that goes on in my sons life I know that now he has his own life to lead and it is not right to know everything. He is entitled to a private life!
I would suggest that you ask the Uni if they can help - maybe student support services or similar. Find someone you can talk to.
Make a new circle of friends- doing music must lead to playing in bands etc, so a ready made circle. So a whole new lot of ready made friends
Start looking for accommodation for next year - its never to soon.
How about trying to chat to your parents- sometimes we can be surprising as parents. I am sure they love and worry about you.
I know it is easy to say - but try to enjoy this time in your life. I understand from Son there is a lot of fun to be had ( as well as hard work)
Good luck

Thank you so much for your support guys :) It's great that there are people that know how I feel and want to help me.

I should have said that I am a guy, but I thought it was obvious from saying I went to YM and went to the MTC at 18 haha.

And yes, the experience has hurt me a lot, so it threw me off my studies for the first few weeks, and I fell behind _drastically_. But I'm slowly catching up again and am just about on track again. I'm not going to let this get in the way of my aspirations!

I would really like to change accommodation but it is so convenient living here as I am literally five minutes walk from campus which is so nice, and I get dinner cooked for me every night. It would also be pretty difficult to change now as there will be the complication with contract lengths etc. But definitely next year I will move out into a house with some friends as I would really like to be more independent.

Also I get a student loan which pays for most things but I do have to ask my parents for money frequently for those unexpected expenses that pop up. I do not think that they will stop giving me money if I tell them, as my older sister left the church when she was younger, and they still let her stay in the house and accept her decision. I don't think I am ready to tell them yet though. They still think that I will go on a mission after I finish my studies, but I know that I will never go in a million years!

In reply to AmlDarkNow, I found out about the truth just through going on my laptop and looking up things. It eventually led me here and I was so shocked to find out all of the lies in the church.

,,,and already been to the temple and MTC in Provo?

Well in the UK it was already acceptable to go on a mission at 18 (before the big announcement). They did that because we can't go to university for one year and put it on hold - we have to do the whole course all at once.

My first year of college was a waste of time due to the fact that I needed to take most of it over for currency, as well as the two years that I spent in Peru as a missionary. Stupid cult. My youth was stolen from me by a controlling, lying cult. Don't make the same mistake.