It's often difficult for me to articulate my emotions with any degree of clarity, so forgive me if I come across as incoherent or vague. I just need to vent what's weighing me down as best as possible in order to to experience a limited catharsis. It isn't the same as interpersonal conversation, but I'm glad the board is here for me since I am not currently able to express these emotions to anyone at this time.

The reason for this post--fast Sunday and all the horrors that come with it. It's a new kind of hell for me, not directed at me from others, but just the general environment produced by the testimony meeting. The ward I and my family are in is quite young, dozens of small children everywhere. Parents in their early twenties trying to go to school, raise a family, hold down a job, and keep up with their church callings. Being a witness to that pains me, but what pains me more is what they force their children to go through, to say.

Every fast Sunday I sit in a pew, watching them encourage their little children to bear 'their testimonies.' It's soul crushing, knowing that these children have no idea what kind of commitments their parents are forcing them to make. These kids don't know any better, they're just doing what they're told. I sit there, watching as parents whisper into their children's ears, siblings into younger siblings ears and so on. The usual mantra of “I know the church is true.”

Then comes my reflection, realization perhaps. I sit there, thinking of their future. What they're being forced to become. Boxed up to go like some pre-made freezer pizza; god forbid they wish to be something else. That's what pains me, I sit there in the pew, watching these kid's lives being decided for them, being indoctrinated into a dishonest, horrid cult. As they bore their testimonies yesterday, I took a look around at the other youth my age, some of them staring out into space, others overwhelmed with guilt due to some alleged sin they performed. Something that shouldn't even be defined as sin.

I look at those kids bearing their testimonies, feeling good because they made their parents happy and received some ultimately meaningless praise. Then I look at the kids my age and realize that is the future for those innocent children. A life of eternal social inadequacy, guilt, shame, and pain in the church. That's what kills me; I sit there in the pew, knowing, that this is where the church will take them and I can do nothing about it.

When I sit there, in fast and testimony meeting, Frank Zappa's “Little Girl” plays through my head. “All your children are poor unfortunate victims of systems beyond their control. All your children are poor unfortunate victims of lies you believe.” Every one of these nightmarish meetings that I am forced to sit through kill a little bit of me. If these kids knew what was down the line, they'd run like hell. But they're too young to even comprehend what tithing and many other demands the church has for them. They'll grow up and be stuck with a violent, cruel, taskmaster, or they'll grow up and escape. Losing their families and everyone who told them they loved them in the process.

I hate everything about this cult; it chains potential, destroys lives and souls. Not a day goes by that I'd wish it would all burn down. Every last part of it. So much pain could be averted, so much heartbreak prevented. That I know it will never happen is what kills me. That I know I can't prevent the indoctrination of those kids and my little brother kills me. That I know I can't help the youth around me because it would endanger my own secrecy, kills me.

In short, fuck the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

The reson you said "incoherent and vague" is because they have cowed you to think you are that way unless you chant the cult way.

Some day you will be having a good time instead of Zombie-watching on the first Sunday. For now hang in there.

Pay Lay Alol

I haven't been to a f&t meeting since 1987, but you description brought back feelings of dread and boredome I had long forgotten. Those meetings were brutal! And to top it off they starved you for a day to make it good and painful!

Another poster on another thread had some good suggestions to help pass the time. Start making mental bets with yourself(or with someone else if you can) who will be the first to cry? Who will take the longest to bear their monkey? Who will take their kids out first? Whos kid will pick their nose first? You and a friend pick 5 people, and whoever has their 5 bear their monkeys first wins. Count the number of "umms" people use. Do anything you can to take your mind of this mind numbing drivel you have to watch.

One thing that I'm proud of is that I never in my life did the testimony thing. And Testimony meeting was always the worst meeting of all. I hated it.

But I did like primary. I taught primary (yes I'm the rare guy who did that), and loved it. It seemed so much less boring than the adult meetings, so it killed time faster. I liked interacting with the kids, and liked the songs.

Then, after not teaching it for 15 years or so, I got out way early from one class, and our next meeting was in the room that was used for primary opening exercises. I stood outside waiting for it to get over, so we could go in and use the room.

By that time in my life, I knew it was a fraud. But the last time that I had been to primary I believed. This time I was shocked. It was like watching the kids in Waco with the Branch Dividians. It was so overtly brain washing. It seemed sick.

I suppose that if I went back to a FT meeting, I'd feel the same.

Damn, you brought back all the feelings of boredom, helplessness, guilt, power-tripping (I'm an ELDER...Yay!) and watching children being brainwashed. Yet there were some good things. I think. Weren't there...?

Pale Ale.

You expressed yourself so well Strykary. Your maturity is very obvious. You are actually thinking for yourself and you have a conscience that is in over-drive. I wish I would have had a fraction of the maturity at a young age as you seem to have. I remember as a mom (of 9) that I would be so disappointed if MY child did not go up and bear a stunning,jaw dropping testimony. I would always wonder what I was doing wrong,that my child didn't have a testimony at age 6??? What the heck was the matter with me? My one child that was VERY strong and had an amazing testimony had a baby at 17,never married,was treated like crap from most of the ward,and is now out of the church. But she suffered for 13 years because of her choice to keep her baby. She felt shame for 13 years. This from the loving lds church.
Stay strong. You are at a place where most of us did not arrive at untill much later in life. Good luck to you.

It always seemed like a break from one kind of monotony.

At least speakers were brief and there was variety.

My hated Sundays were 3rd Sundays with talks by High Council speakers. Boooooooooooring! With a few exceptions, it seemed they were chosen as HC members based on their ability to put members to sleep!

I always enjoyted F&T too. We got to see teenage girls get up and bawl with snot running down their faces and guess at what sin they'd done. I guess that was the only good part, but having to sit thru boring talks in regular sacrament meeting had no good parts so the choice here is obvious.

I haven't attended church in years and have resigned, but my many tbm relatives in different states claim that the church now discourages parents from whispering in their children's ears what to say. Any truth to this?

My daughter had her first day of sunbeams yesterday. Almost every kid in her class got up and did a "testimony". It started with one then all the others-- except my kid! She happily ate her cheerios and stayed in her seat!
My spouse decided to do a testimony instead and and talk about how happy he was about her going to her first day of sunbeams. Sigh.

When you sit there, keep reminding yourself that you are MENTALLY FREE from the brainwashing. The physical freedom will come when you leave home, and get out on your own. The mental freedom is the most important, at this point. You can help your brother by asking him some obvious, logical questions about each of the many lies, one at a time. Just get him thinking. You can influence your Mormon friends the same way.

I am upset about my own grandchild, who is being raised by Mormons. My atheist daughter married a Mormon in the temple, and she has decided that his love and respect, and all the perks of being married to this man, are worth the sacrifice of having to be a member of a cult. (go figure) My subtle questions have resulted in their becoming less fanatic, and easing up on the strict cult rules. My grandchild is allowed to be creative, assertive, curious, outspoken, and non-conforming. She doesn't have to go to church when she is sick, and sometimes her parents go to the beach or Disneyland on Sunday. She is not a timid little robot like her Mormon cousins. She knows she is loved unconditionally.

You seem like a great person, in wanting to save everyone from all the hatred, prejudice, guilt, lies, depression and boredom--and you can make a difference! Even small differences can help. For example, you can take your brother over to non-Mormon homes, and show him real love, relaxation, peace, and laughter there! Bring your nice non-Mormon friends home to meet your siblings. Talk to your brother about the good non-Mormon teachers in your school, who are well-liked and are good role models. Knowing good non-Mormons made a huge difference in my children's lives, and all but one have escaped the cult. We resigned together, but it was their own decision.

You have a way with words, and you accurately described what church was like for us, too--only much worse, because we were a divorced family.

Hey, I hear ya brother! It used to kill me inside too, watching all those young children bear "their" testimonies, or rather their parents testimonies of parroting what the mother or father told them to say. Don't worry, one day Karma will swing around, catch em in the backside, and then swing around again and then take whats left of their backside for poisoning those young kids minds.

Not at F/T meeting, but at my home over the xmas break. My niece was talking about how she hoped she'd be alive when Jesus comes back because animals will be nice to each other.

Her words: "You know how I know? Because they told me at church!"

She's only 6, and the amount of mindfucking her little brain is taking makes me ill.

I too was subjected to (non-Mo) Christian brainwashing when I was a kid and vowed I would never allow it to happen to MY children. I managed to achieve this, helped somewhat by the fact that I live in France, where most people are either uninterested in religion or actively against it.

However, from my own experience, I would describe the indoctrination of young children unable to "defend" themselves intellectually as child abuse. They are taking advantage of the weak and filling their heads with self-contradictory confusion which it may take them years to clean out later in life.

People should be allowed to decide on their own beliefs, without diktats from authority figures.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I'll keep that game in mind, jon1, thanks. Also, my brother is still in nursery. There's quite an age gap between me and my youngest sibling.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/03/2011 06:25PM by Strykary.

but yes, it was mildly interesting to guess how long it would be before the mic squealed, and would the deacon trip over the cord (back in the day of people staying in their seats).

I just had an interesting thought. I have NEVER, not once, bore my testimony in any way, shape, or form. Hmmm, that means I've never had one.

Well said and the Zappa words are haunting. So true and painful to think about. This is my worry for my precious innocent grandson of 18 months. He is being forced into this watching and bearing of testimony at such a young age. It is sick. Only the other day my daughter told me of a friend of theirs (man) who is teaching his son to pray- arms over chest and my daughter said the little one who is almost 2 was so cute. So it is all about being cute.....sick cult.

But you can do something. Don't be a part of it. Don't let only mormons teach your brother. Teach him yourself to be self reflective as you are and to analyze everything- regardless of what he is told to regurgitate. You can be a big influence with him. Best wishes to you OP.

there a few types of "testimonies":

thanktimony: ass-kissing member thanks people in the ward (usually the bishop) for things they have "done" for them

bragimony: member kisses their own ass in their testimony

familyhistorymony: old fart or hag spends 15 minutes telling some shitty family history story

brainwashimony: op summed these up pretty well

Where is the choice in this for a child? Where in this is personal free will?