Any big hot announcements or changes this time?

... will SUCK!

I'd say it might be good if you're having trouble sleeping, but the old geezer's inceasant droning will likely induce nightmares!

Timothy

Hey, gotta do something to goose the cash flow. :)

They will talk about Joseph Smith, Monson's widows, the temple , tithing,obedience and the evils of porn. They will talk in the well know GA drone. The Mo Tabs will sing and I will be doing something else and ignoring the whole thing.

I look forward to the day when it passes and I never noticed.

I think when I can quit this board it will be so.

Same shit, different day.

Monson to the rescue, some metaphor story (just loved the one about making pickles) and how we can be transformed by Christ, some ethnic female speaker(so women can see how the church is progressing, NOT!!!), PH meeting on the evils of porn, masturbation etc...

I agree Levi, when I don't even notice GC anymore I will be ready to move on too.

because they might say pay double tithe for double the blessings in these critical hard economic times..



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/01/2010 04:24PM by zeezrom.

The 3 hour block will be cut to 2, but it will be twice a day, 4 hours total.

Young women will be able to pass the sacrament.

Endowed women will be able to give blessings.

Women will have an annual interview with the RSP instead of the Bishop, especially young women. A parent will be required to attend.

The pesky introduction to the BoM will be removed altogether, to be replaced by a Monson story about a widow.

The church nickname will be changed from Mormon to Normal, with a copyright. That will keep the pesky FLDS from being the same as us.

Glenn Beck will become the 13th Apostle.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/01/2010 05:03PM by Heresy.

For some reason, I think this confernzzzzzzzzz, um, oh, humph, I'm awake. As I was saying, for some reason I think there will be a lot of stuff aimed at repairing TSCC's prop 8 damaged image.

Just another round of "We will pretend to inspire you, while you pretend to be inspired." Nothing new.

My prediction is that I will listen to none of it, but instead go with my daughter to Snowbird for Oktoberfest.

...will once again bore to tears those unfortunate enough to be subjected to them.

I used to attend 1-2 sessions of conference when I was a Mormon, and I couldn't ever remember anything they said!

Roughly 4 million people will be inspired to do a little better, raise the bar a little higher and then do precisely nothing about it and feel a bit more guilty.


roughly 2 million women will wonder why they have an uneasy feeling somewhere in the back of their sub-conscious mind that they are being told to be happy that they get to hold the sh***y end of the stick.


2 million men will sub-consciously bask in the ego massaging knowledge shared, that they are a bit better off than women in this club. They will look to the Alpha males on the stand and think "some day I will get to stand on that podium and tell everyone how humble I feel that God should call me take this high and holy mantle and I will feel so unworthy. It will be nothing to do with my family ties or financial security". A bit of sincere crying may ensue.

What won't happen:

A newly called GA will say that they know their calling is inspired and they are right for the position because they have actually personally seen God and Jesus and Joseph Smith and: "Thus saith the Lord...............

The allocation of tithes and offerings will be broadcast loudly .

A new "polyandry, money digging and blood sacrifice" gospel essentials class will be announced for investigators.

A new doctrine of gay acceptance will be embraced and a Mexican wave of fainting (with relief - and the spirit) will spread across much of male Mo Tab section.

Staying on Mormon websites, I mean. It's all in knowing where to look. The Mormon websites convinced me the church was a total fraud in a way the "wicked apostate" sites could never have done.

I hear China has opened up as a missionary destination. The whole saying regularization didn't mean missionaries is just a bluff of course.

From what I gather, the new requirements that ward members are now assigned to toilet scrubbing duty on a rotating basis has *not* gone over well with the masses.

There has to be some kind of pep talk along the lines of "cleanliness is next to Godliness" or humble service in the name of the Lard is just like . . . well . . . cleaning the poop off of the commode of Jesus himself.

;o)

When the Lord's representative in your ward (bishop--or whatever luckless sap gets "called" to assign the cleaning schedule) informs you that it is YOUR turn to clean up this weekend, it is GOD speaking through him and it is YOUR duty to be obedient! The proper response is an unhesitating "Baa, baa!"

OR:

New Temple Recommend question:

13. Did you show up to clean the meetinghouse as assigned?

I'm sitting here reading all these comments and laughing my head off and my 7 year old is laughing too. She thinks it's pretty funny too. Now I have to go read her a bedtime story.

Pay tithing before paying bills or mortgage will bring financial blessings.
Go to the temple!!
Don't look at porn!
Secularism is of the devil.
Traditional marriage is ordained of God.
Church membership totals 14 million.
New temples announced.

It'll be the same stuff, but with more burning intensity:

- PAY your tithing!

- PRAY each day, morning and night!

- OBEY your leaders, even the local ones!

The wagons will be drawn more tightly as they talk about the last days. Members will be blamed for anything that has gone wrong during the prior year. They will be told to be even more diligent and obedient, and to sacrifice more.

Mostly, Thomas Monson will absolutely drip with his creepy form of false sincerity. His hair will be freshly dyed, and he will hold the pulpit with both hands as he says, "SOME of you are VISITors!" (He tucks in his chin with mock surprise.) "We WELcome you!" (He smiles a smile that is simultaneously creepy and goofy as he cocks his head sort of sideways and looks like he's trying to make fun of someone.)

So I can laugh at the dumb things that were said with all of you. But I know I'd fall asleep if I tried - so I have to stick with "almost".

Monson will just smile, look even more shrunken eyed, and wiggle his ears.

There will be a new questions for a TR - did you clean the church and the toilets/bathrooms, and how many times this year?

Have you ever fantasized about wearing flip flops to church?

Have you shunned any exmos? and if not why?

And...

In order to save even more money, the church will now require its members to shovel the parking lot and sidewalks by hand.

Feed and house and drive the missionaries for free.

And...

Have magnetic strip "mormon card" that will need to be swiped every time you go to church, go to the temple(they already have this one), it will record the tithing you have paid so far this year, go to seminary, clean the church, go to any other church activity, even swiped when you visit a church historical site, and swiped at your HTing families house that you did your home teaching.

Oh and the usual sexual shaming.

1. A new higher number of church members will be announced.

2. Some new temples will be announced.

3. A new 70 will be instated by the usual signs.

4. Monson will suddenly close his eyes in the middle of a story about a widow and have a revelation there at the pulpit. Shaking and shouting and crying he will say something that sounds like someone's friend's cousin's nephew's friend's patriarchal blessing. Total blandness. Those there will eat it up and go home overweight with the spirit. Commiting to paying double tithing, praying triple the amount, and obeying everything to the letter that they find written in their quads and Ensigns.

5. Glen Beck will be invited to give the closing prayer.

complete with swaying and hand-flapping moves, choreographed by Donny Osmond, and accompanied by the Iron Butterfly organist.

Their new album will skyrocket, promoted on TV by Glady Knight, on The Ellen Show. The first 14 million to purchase this album will be given free tickets to a BYU football game. All the proceeds will go to the "God's Malls of SLC and Laie" fund.

I'm so grateful to the handful of good sports on this board who endure conference, in order to tell us if anything amusing or ridiculous happens. Without you brave souls, I would never have read Bednar's pickle speech, Packer's Little Factory speech, Oaks' wrong-book speech, and others.

Thanks in advance for this weekend.

The church will grow by another million members, but oddly enough,
numerous stakes and missions will be closed. The number of full-time missionaries will shrink as well. In many countries the number of members living in a single ward will approach 1,000, while 50 souls will be actively attending.

The word "Lamanite" will not be heard in any address, by any LDS General Authority.