Regards to all - need a couple of religious jokes for book I'm working on - got a favourite? Many thanks. Here's one I'm pinching from Hitchens. Stay cool.


Q. How did the Amish girl get excommunicated?

A. Too Mennonite.

Here is a source of lots of jokes. A few good ones and some not fit for mixed company.

http://humorvault.tripod.com/moses.html

Why are crows black?

They wouldn't eat crickets in the pre-existance.

I likey

I submit these mormon jokes in the honor of all mormon apologists.


How many mormons does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to insist nothing has changed.

Two. One to change the light bulb, and the apologist to say "it depends on how you define the word change..."

Two. One to change the light bulb, and the apologist to say "at that time, we don't know why the word "bulb" was given. Clearly, the bulb could have been a candle, or a matchstick, or a flash of lightning ...yet, bulb was used for our present day understanding."

Two. One to change the bulb and the apologist to say "just because there is no evidence of the pre Columbian light bulbs in North America, doesn't mean we want find that evidence in the future."

Two. One to change the bulb and the apologist to say, "changing bulbs is not necessary to our salvation and therefore any problems with our history concerning light bulb changing is irrelevant."

Two. One to change the light bulb and an apologist to say "the person who changed the light bulb did so as a man, not as a mormon."

What 3 states celebrate the 24th of July?

Missouri because they left,
Utah because they got here,
California because they didn't make it!

the one and only Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> What 3 states celebrate the 24th of July?
>
> Missouri because they left,
> Utah because they got here,
> California because they didn't make it!

Fourth state: Nebraska because they didn't stay.

A rabbi, a priest, and a Baptist preacher walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Why should you always take two Mormons with you when you go fishing?

If you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.

Why do mormons stop having kids at 35?


Because 36 kids is just too many!

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said: "Yes."

I said: "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

you have to imagine that joke with emo philips voice

Why aren't baptists allowed to have sex standing up?

Because they are afraid it might lead to dancing.

I'm not sure if the Irish comedy "Father Ted" is known in the US (?) but it was hilarious!

Here's a bit about Father Dougal's religious doubts - starts 1:08 into the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyB2qlf2qt8

Loved it! I'll have to look up more of that show. I love British television.

One day, In heaven, there was a huge party. Everywhere there were Jews, Christians, and Muslims. The party was grand! Noticed off to the side was a huge partition, and a little child tugged on Jesus' sleeve, "Jesus? what's behind that partition?"
"Oh," responded Jesus, "that's the Mormons. They think they're the only ones here."

What does a b y u coed do when someone brings out alcohol at the party??


Put on her clothes and goes home

The three absolute truths of religion:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the spiritual head of the church.

3. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

There's this very small town out in the backwoods. Nothing EVER happens here. Heavily Catholic. One day the announcement comes that the pope is on a tour and will be making a stop. This is a MAJOR deal in this place. The whole town turns up on Main Street to welcome him. The mayor, all the big shots, even the town drunk.

The mayor is watching as the pope arrives, gets out of his popemobile and starts blessing the people on the side of the road. The first guy he walks up to is the town drunk, whispers something in his ear and the drunk walks off. The mayor, looking down at his fancy suit, realizes his mistake. Of course the pope will want to pay attention to the lowly. So he rushes around the corner, finds the drunk and offers him $50 for his clothes. The drunk happily agrees and the mayor gets back to Main Street ahead of the pope.

A few minutes later the pope notices the mayor, walks over, leans in and says "Hey stinky, I thought I told you to get lost."

One day a priest and doctor went golfing. At the first hole the doctor hit the ball and it went wide left. The doctor yelled "God damnit! I missed!!" The priest looked at the doctor but said nothing.

The next hole the doctor swung and the ball went waaay right. The doctor yelled again "God damnit! I missed!!" This time the priest said "You shouldn't take the lord's name in vain." The doctor apologized and they continued with their game.

At the third hole the doctor had an easy 2 ft. putt, but overshot the hole by a mile. The doctor yelled "God damnit! I missed!!"

Suddenly the sky turns dark with thunder and lighting everywhere. A lightning bolt comes racing down, striking the priest dead in his shoes. A loud voice booms from the sky "God damnit! I missed!!"

Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.

Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad.

There it was - a picture of Christ on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."

The old man immediately met with his 3 sons to voice his concern. He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad.
A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw the second billboard ad.

There it was - - a picture of the same cross, empty... and the caption: "Next Time Use Moskowitz Nails."



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/03/2012 07:06PM by wine country girl.

Q: What goes "clop clop clop bang bang bang clop clop clop?"

A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

Q: What's the difference between a BYU coed going through the cafeteria line and a speeding locomotive ?

A: Superman can stop a speeding locomotive.

Four BYU coed's driving down the road go off a cliff, all die.Next stop is the pearly gates. Saint Peter calls the first sister forward and asked Sister Smith have you ever sinned, "yes, Saint Peter I touched a mans penis once with my hand". Saint Peter looks at the sister and tells her to dip her hand in the holy water and pass through the gates of Heaven. The second sister starts to grin when she steps forward. Saint Peter says "Sister Young, have you ever sinned?" "Yes, I also touched a man's penis once with my hand" she replied. "You may also pass into the gates of heaven after you've dipped your hand in the holy water" said Saint Peter. At this time Sister Kimball who was fourth in line pushes Sister Christensen out of the way and starts gargling the holy water. Saint Peter says "What are you doing". Sister Kimball replies "I wanna get this over with before that bitch has to stick her ass in the holy water!"

I told this joke to my mostly moron family at a family reunion campout at Duck Creek, Utah back in 1991. My source was a greeting card with this joke presented as a comic strip with drawings. The TBMs (including my parents) did not laugh. See what you think . . . (I heavily embellished the original joke for this post.)

=========================

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go to the bathroom?"

What would Jesus do in this situation? "Well, sure!" replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

St. Peter explained, "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives - if they had children. Stuff like that. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

Jesus nodded, "Sounds easy enough. OK. Take as much time as you need in the bathroom."

So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. Everything was going OK. Jesus would ask the questions, make his decision, and then let the person thru the Pearly Gates or send them off to Hell. No problem.

St. Peter was gone quite a while, but Jesus didn't mind, having infinite patience and being eternally long suffering and all that. But after He had processed several hundred recently deceased souls, Jesus was starting to get a little bored with all the humdrum answers he was hearing. But then a wrinkled little old man approached the gate. There was something vaguely familiar about him. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

The old man replied, "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus perked up even more, and looked even closer at the old man. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

The old carpenter explained, "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Tears filled Jesus' eyes and His countenance lit up with a heavenly glow. He opened His arms wide and with His voice trembling with emotion, he cried out in joyful recognition, "Father?"

The old man raised his weary head, looked at Jesus's left hand, then his right hand, and then both feet. Overcome with emotion, the old carpenter immediately embraced Jesus with all his might as he cried out overflowing with joy and happiness, "Pinocchio!"

Did you know that Hitler actually died of a heart attack?


He got the gas bill.

Mormon was having lunch with a Jew and a Catholic.
Jew says, "I have 4 boys, one more and I could have a whole basketball team!"
Catholic says, "Hah! That's nothin! I got 10 kids, one more and I could have a whole football team!"
Mormon says, "Hah! That's nothin! I got 17 wives. One more and I could have a whole golf course!"

Catholic says, "I'm thirsty!"
Jew says, "You're buying!"
Mormon says, "Do you serve milk and cookies?"

A Mormon, Jew and a Catholic walk into a bar...

The bartender says....



Get the fuk out of here!!

What is the difference between a cult and a religion?

In a cult, there is someone at the top who knows that it is a fraud.

In a religion, that person is dead.

What is the difference between insanity and religion?

Insanity is when you believe that your hallucinations are real.

Religion is when you believe that someone else's hallucinations are real.

(sorry those were not jokes)

there are several jokes that I could tell but I cant top this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBQnjVX_gco

My favorite religious jokes are Unitarian (if, indeed, Unitarian is a religion.) I hear them from my U.U. friends.

UU little girl: "My kitty died."

Baptist little girl: "Your kitty is with Jesus now."

UU little girl: "What does Jesus want with a dead kitty?"