Posted by:
esias
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Date: September 26, 2012 12:54PM
King presents gift: We are three wise men.
Mary: What?
We are three wise men.
Mary: Well what are doing creeping around in this house at two o’clock in the morning? That doesn’t sound very wise to me. (Monty Python’s Life of Brian 1979 starring John Cleese et al)
Homage? You’re all drunk. It’s disgusting. Out! ibid. Mary
Wise man: We were led by a star.
Mary: Led by the bottle more like. ibid.
What is Myrrh anyway? A balm? What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him. ibid. Mary
We worship you, O, Brian. ibid. Three wise men
Let’s go to the stoning. ibid. Mother of Brian to Brian
I can’t hear a bloody thing. ibid. Man in crowd
I think it was blessed are the cheese-makers. ibid.
Blessed are the Greek. ibid.
Oh it’s the meek. Blessed are the meek. Oh that’s nice. I’m glad they’re getting something cause they’ve had a hell of a time. ibid. Women in crowd
Feel the quality of that ... Should be a good one this afternoon. Local boy. Enjoy yourselves. ibid. Stone-seller
How could it be worse? Jehovah! ibid. Blasphemer
Miracle. Jesus did, sir. ibid. Ex-leper begging arms
Coliseum: Children’s Matinee. ibid. At the games
Brian: Are you the Judean People’s Front?
Reg: Fuck off! Judean People’s Front! We’re the People’s Front of Judea. Judean People’s Front cor!
Other bloke: Wankers.
I hate the Romans as much as anybody. ibid. Brian
The only people we hate more than the Romans are the fucking Judean People’s Front. ibid. Reg
Roman Soldier seizes Brian tagging: What’s this then? Romanes Eunt Domus? ... Romane. Eunt? What is eunt? Conjugated verb to be go? Eunt. So Eunt is? But Romans God Homes is an order so you must use? ... An order so you must use the ... Which is... Go home. This is motion towards, isn’t it, boy ... Which is Domum! Understand? Now write out hundred times. (also Latin) ibid.
Reg: And what have they given us in return? ... I grant you the aqueducts and the sanitation ... All right but apart from the sanitation the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system, public health, what are the Romans ever done for us? ibid.
Man on wall to Brian: You lucky bastard. You lucky lucky bastard. Proper little jailor’s pet aren’t we. We must have slipped him a few shekels, eh? Oh what wouldn’t I give to be spat at in the face? ... Manacles? My idea of heaven is to allowed to be put in manacles just for a few hours ... They must think the sun shines out of your arse, son ... You’ll probably get away with crucifixion. Yeah, first offence. Best thing Romans ever done for us ... Nail em up, I say. ibid.
Centurian: Throw him to the floor, sir? ibid.
Centurian: Biggus Dickus. ibid.
Centurian: Crucifixion. Nasty, eh?
Old man: Could be worse.
Centurian: What do you mean could be worse?
Old man: Well could be stabbed.
Centurian: Stabbed takes a second. Crucifixion last hours. It’s a slow horrible death.
Old Man: Well at least it gets you out in the open air.
Centurian; You’re weird. ibid.
Man in crowd: He’s making it up as he goes along. ibid.
John Cleese as man in crowd: Speak to us, master. Speak to us. A blessing! A blessing! How shall we go away, master? He has given us a sign. He has brought us to this place. Master, your people have walked many miles to be with you. They’re weary and have not eaten. There is no food in this high mountain. A miracle! A miracle! ... Is not the miracle of the juniper bushes enough? ... A miracle! A miracle! ... He is the messiah ... Hail, messiah. I say you are, Lord, and I should know I’ve followed a few. Hail, messiah ... How shall we fuck off, O Lord? This is the messiah the chosen one. ibid.
Brian! Brian! ibid. Crowd outside house
They believe he can give them hope. ibid. Naked Judith meets mother
Listen here. He’s not the messiah. He’s a very naughty boy. ibid. Brian’s mother to crowd
He’s not coming out and that’s my final word. ibid.
Crowd: Yes we are individuals. Yes we are all different.
Voice in crowd: I’m not. ibid.
Don’t let anyone tell you what to do. Crowd
Piss off. ibid. Mother of Brian to crowd
Woman at hem of Brian: Lay your hands on me. Quick. ibid.
Well, Bwian. You’ve given us a good wun for our money ... Guard, do we have any cwucifixions today? ibid. Pontius Pilot
Unless we can smash the Roman Empire in the next twelve months. And let’s face it, as empires go this is the big one. ibid. Meeting of People’s Front of Judea
Centurian: Next. Crucifixion? Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Next. Crucifixion, yes? Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Next. Crucifixion? [No, freedom] What? Oh, Well that’s jolly good well off you go then.
Crucifixee: No only pulling your leg. Crucifixion really. ibid.
Pontius Pilot to crowd ... Wery well. I shall release Woderwick. ibid.
Excuse me. There’s been some sort of mistake. ibid. Brain to Centurian
Centurian: It’s such a senseless waste of human life, isn’t’ it?
Sideling: No, sir. ibid.
Get a move on, big nose. There’s people waiting to be Crucified out there. Her-her-her ... Miserable Romans. No sense of humour. ibid. Crucifixee
Pontius Pilot to crowd: This man commands a quack legion.
Centurian to Crucifixees. Crucifixion party. Good morning. Now, we will be on show as we go through the town so don’t let the side down. Keep in a good straight line. ibid.
You lucky bastards. You lucky jammy bastards. ibid. Old man in cell now hanging upside down to passing Crucifixees
Welease Bwian. ibid. Crowd
Centurian whipping Crucifixee: Get a move on there. Or you’ll be in trouble. Shut up! ibid.
Man on cross to Centurian: I’ll get you for this, ya bastard. Aawl yeah don’t worry, I never forget a face. I warn you. I’m going to punch you so hard, you Roman git. ibid.
Other man on cross: A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section. ibid.
Hands up all those who don’t want to be crucified here. Next! ibid.
You don’t have to do this. You don’t have to take orders. ibid. Brian to guards
See not so bad once your up. You being rescued then are ya? Ooo naah naah we got a couple of days up here. Plenty of time. Lots of people get rescued. Oh yeah my brother usually rescues me. ibid. Neighbour on cross
Always look on the bright side of life etc. ibid.
For life is quite absurd
And death’s the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow ... ibid.
... Always look on the bright side of death.
Just before your draw your terminal breath.
Chapter 2:
Jesus makes large claims for his heavenly father but never mentions that his mother is or was a virgin, and is repeatedly very rude and coarse to her when she makes an appearance. (Christopher Hitchens)
I would be curious to meet him. To find out what really happened. (Professor Richard Dawkins, BBC Radio Ulster)
Why’s didn’t he just forgive them? Why was it necessary to have a human sacrifice? To have His son tortured and executed in order that the sins of mankind should be absolved? Is that not the most disgusting idea you ever heard? (Professor Richard Dawkins, interview Nicky Campbell, Big Questions: Is The Bible Still Relevant Today?)
It is wholly wrong to blame Marx for what was done in his name, as it is to blame Jesus for what was done in his. (Tony Benn)
We just ask that they be covered with the blood of Jesus. (Heidi Ewing & Rachel Grady, Jesus Camp 2006, Pastor Becky Fischer, Fischer’s preparatory prayer over empty meeting hall)
Speculating about Jesus, thinking about Jesus, is always going to have a fantastic appeal. (Joan Taylor, author and historian)
Was Jesus blootered when he threw the money lenders out the temple? (Ian Pattison, Rab C Nesbitt: Fight, Rab at pub table)
I know there was a Jesus the man. I know there was an actual human being called Jesus. But he’s not the Jesus you have in your head. Is he? No. The actual Jesus - if you think of the part of the world where he lived in, and the average height of men in those days - fucking Danny DaVito. That’s what you’re talking about: a small little tanned furry-kind of ... He’s not the Jesus you have in your head though. Yours is an eight-foot-tall BG Jesus. (Tommy Tiernan, Irish comedian, live on stage)
God had a son, and he said, ‘Jesus, I’m sending you on a suicide mission. But don’t worry. They can’t kill you cause you’re really me.’ (Bill Maher, ABC television)
I think Jesus was probably an awkward teenager. (Bill Maher, Religulous)
No-one who wrote about Jesus ever met him. ibid.
Written in 1280 B.C. The Egyptian Book of the Dead describes a god Horus. Horus is the son of the god Osiris. Born to a virgin mother. He was baptised in a river by Anup the Baptiser. Who was later beheaded. Like Jesus, Horus was tempted while alone in the desert. Healed the sick. The blind. Cast out demons. And walked on water. He raised Asar from the dead (Asar translates to Lazarus). Oh year, he also had twelve disciples. Yes, Horus was crucified first. And after three days, two women announced Horus, the saviour of humanity, had been resurrected. ibid.
Not until gentle Jesus meek and mild is the concept of Hell introduced. Eternal torture, eternal punishment, for you and all your family for the smallest transgression. I have no hesitation in saying this is a wicked belief. (Christopher Hitchens, Christopher Hitchens vs. Reverend Al Sharpton)
If Jesus could heal a blind person he happened to meet, then why not heal blindness? Christopher Hitchens
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