OK so don't flame me, but i hate the idea, he was inactive for about 7 years before i bet him and liked to do that every weekend, when i met him he was active and tbm, although sometimes a bit jack. He got wasted for his stag do which i said was ok so long as it was the last time ever, he promised, although a few years later he was out with some friend in another part of the country and did it again, was quite pissed off he did it behind my back and i found out through friend since we were suppose to be TBM at the time.

Anyway last night he tells me a good old friend he caught up with yesterday an exmo invited him to his 30th drink up at his house on sat night and wants to go, i didn't like the idea of drinking full stop unless maybe a glass of wine once in a blue moon. So i'm freaking out this is what he is going to want to do now, get drunk n all that like he's freaking 19 frat boy. we have 2 young boys and i don't want any of that near them. ever. (had a close rellie die of alcoholism related illness at a young age). So for me even if i become a fully out exmo i don't see myself ever drinking.

To make things weirder on the way to work this morning we were talking about famous people we had met, and he was like yeah i shook the hands of a few apostles - and that's the closet to Christ i'm likely to come (which through me off - one min he is using the info we have to drink on the other he still things they are gods reps? - very confusing!)

So some of you will no doubt flame me for being funny about this and i'm still programmed to think like a mo, but i am only just on this process of discovery with all this stuff and the drinking think (drinking to get wasted) is freaking me out and i don't like it at all. and the other thing that is confusing me is where his head is at with his apostles comment :o| Ugh this red pill thing is talking me to some weird places.


Sorry seems like a silly ramble (for a real normal world person) but i just don't know how to handle this situation.

It shouldn't be a big deal to get wasted every now and again. I also don't feel that it's fair of you to make him promise things such as that. He's a big boy..

we were TBM at the time and temple recommend holders so i think under the circumstances it was ok to promise such things given our world perspective .... but circumstances obviously have changed and i'm just not dealing with that well. I dunno what i have against drinking so much, i HATE it, it is a leaglised drug i just don't get it. (and when i say drinking i don't mean a glass a wine with dinner or a single beer after whatever - that that i would OK now and then for others)

I just don't get getting to the point where u can't walk straight, get aggressive or silly and vomiting or do things u will regret later i.e. fighting, cheating, vandalising etc. I dunno I used to go out clubbing heaps but never drank and was just amazing what people would do when on their legal buzzes of alcohol. i just don't want that behavior form my husband. it truly freaks me out when people are not in control of themselves.

I am starting to wonder if i had a traumatic experience that I've blocked out of someone I don't understand while i feel so strong about this issue :O(



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/19/2012 06:32PM by roxy.

It's okay to feel what you feel. It's good that you area trying to evaluate why you feel the way you do.

However you need to trust your husband. You said it's at his friends house. He doesn't do it often, so it should be alright. His feelings count too.

There shouldn't be anything wrong with going all out every one in a while. I personally am like you in that I drink occassionaly, but rarely do enough to even get buzzed, let alone drunk. My once TBM wife on the other hand(now a jack-mormon) goes out once or twice a month with her coworkers/friends and sometimes gets completely blasted in the process.

It used to bother me, but I eventually got over it as I saw how much fun she was having; it wasn't really the drinking, but more so that she finally felt comfortable with all of her non-mormon friends.

We made a deal that we'd never get drunk at home when the kids were around. I personally believe hiding and demonizing alcohol is much more dangerous to kids than it is to show them that in moderation and with proper use there is nothing wrong with it. Each parent has their reasons though and that doesn't discredit yours at all.

I'd just say let your husband have at it and have a good time. As long as it doesn't turn in to something that happens every weekend there should be no problem with it.

Thanks Jah, that helps me put a bit of perspective on things :) Maybe we could come up with some ground rules. i.e. come back when your sober and noe more than X amount of times a month or whatever. Hopefully it is something i can adapt to.

Once he's accomplished his goal,Make sure he doesn't drive home, or anywhere else.

If this only happens every few years I wouldn't worry.

If it turns into binge drinking then, there's a problem.
I would encourage open conversations about this topic. It sounds like you have some legit concerns.

His comment leads me to believe he hasn't fully come to terms with the Mormon part of his life.

yes indeed, I don't think he has, It's funny we are opposite in so many ways but it works for us. I guess this is just another thing, I am about 90% sure mentally it's all crap, yet i still fulfil my calling and don't intend on doing too much crazy stuff, where as he isn't out mentally, but physically not been for 6 months and wants to get drunk and get his tongue priced and more tattoos LOL

I think maybe I'm sacred because i know deep down the church has helped keep him on the rails, and i'm worry if we loose this support and what he sees as reasons for being *good* he won't be :o|

I should prob ask him how often he used to get drunk when he was less active, if it was once in a while (i.e. every few months) i guess i could learn to shut up about it even if i do'nt like it. but if it was more frequent we have an issue if thats what he wants to go back to.

He also blamed be in the conversation, telling me it's might fault for telling him stuff. I found that annoying. (wasn't a fight or anything just a convo)

Roxy, I know exactly those gut wrenching feelings when a loved one is going to get drunk. I was married to an alcoholic, after being raised TBM and never being around alcohol. When I first married my second (not alcoholic) husband, I would get so upset if he came home from work and wanted a beer. I had to learn that these were my issues, and I really had no right to control him. It's not a healthy way to relate to another adult. TSCC teaches us that it's our responsibility to meddle in the lives of other adults, but it's not. Telling him you love him and trust him and you know he's a great dad will go further than any control tactics. And it wouldn't hurt to apologize for freaking out. Explain that you know the issues are yours, and not related to his behavior or your trust and respect for him.

I guess it depends on what kind of drinker he is. Can he drink and not get stupid? Is he the type that will start a fight or try to drive a car?

Did I read your post right that he wants to drink at a 30th birthday party? Does that mean your husband is around the same age?

You never know. He might drink himself drunk, wake up with a hangover, and realize all that partying he did in his younger days isn't so much fun anymore.

Like the others who've posted, I don't think "tying one on" every once in a while is a problem. Agree on some ground rules and trust him to keep to the agreement. Another thing to think about is that you getting upset and forbidding him from drinking might just make it that much more appealing to him.

Anybody who goes out with the intention of getting drunk has a serious problem.

That is quite different from going to a party and inadvertently miscalculate the effect the booze is having on you (which I have done more times than I would like to admit).

How different is that idea of "fun" from thinking it would be great to go take a swim in the local sewage processing tank?

If a guy wants to get drunk, and can do it without affecting ANYBODY ELSE (wife, friends, kids, police, medical staff), then why not? But who can really do that?

Maybe he shouldn't have said anything and then just inadvertently miscalculate his alcohol consumption at the party. :)

wanting to get drunk once in a while is perfectly normal. It does not mean that he wants to vomit on you. People drink to get a buzz. Most people can handle it.

It is a recipe for puking your guts out in the middle of the night and having a really awful hangover headache for the next 36 hours. Ask me how I know.

I think that if it's a rare thing and that there is responsibility in the planning (no driving - keys are locked away, people are staying there for the night, etc.), then you should relax about it a bit. I know that's hard, but with some reasonable ground rules to reinforce that you're worried about his safety, it should be fine.

With your family history and the Mo background, it's not surprising you're feeling this way, so don't beat yourself up about it. But it's good that you're recognizing that perhaps your reaction might be a bit overblown.

Remember - he'll be doing it away from the house. So it won't be in front of your kids (one of the issues you're worried about). Ground rules about drinking in the house are reasonable. Explain why you feel the way you do about it in front of the kids. Your childhood experiences are important ones. But remember that he's also an adult and can choose to do what he wants, provided it's done in a way that keeps him safe.

sometimes people do need to let loose, and I'll admit to having a couple of times where I just wanted to get drunk. When that happened, there were plans made beforehand for friends who were the designated drivers and such to make sure I got home (or to appropriate lodgings) safely, as well as to keep an eye on me. Believe me - I regretted it in the mornings. I'm now in my late 30s. It's been years since I wanted to do that.

It sounds like a great idea at the time, but the hangovers can say otherwise. Especially as you get older. He may do it this weekend, and then realize it's no longer his thing.

If it becomes a frequent thing (once a month or more), then yes - I'd be concerned. If it's something he did frequently in his youth when he was just barely legal, and he's slowed down significantly on the drinking - I wouldn't worry at all. That's just normal behavior.

If this is something that happens a couple times per year, and he's keeping it away from the house, per the ground rules you want to keep it away from the kids, I think it's something that you need to respect as a way of blowing off steam/having a good time. You just have a different interest in alcohol than your husband - and that's okay. Mine does from me, too. I might have a drink (or two) a few times a year. My husband enjoys a small drink every day, and a couple times per year goes a bit further.

As long as everyone's safe and understanding of the situation, it's okay.

Every nevermo that I know who drinks gets drunk on occasion including myself. As long as you are not driving nor operating heavy machinery it's all copacetic. There is a difference between getting occasionally drunk and being an alcoholic. A very big difference.

A group of friends who are drunk together can engender some happy memories.

You don't want to get so drunk that you get sick. This is usually a trial-and-error thing. It tends to be self correcting.

Its hard when you were raised to believe that one drink will make you an alcoholic. I know I was.

interesting point, i don't think that as i know most people don't but the one person in my life that did drink in our family was and died a young alcoholic. I don't think I worry so much he'll become one just I don't like drunkness full stop. I guess i know my husbands past somewhat so i don't want it to lead on to other stuff too. i.e. a free for all on morals. And no I do't think people need rlegion to have morals but given my husbands background (death of many close relatives and abuse) I worry he is loosing what he saw as his support network and will turn to past things to fill that space.

What I'm seeing as red flags here has less to do with alcohol per say and more to do with relationship dynamics.

I get that alcohol is a huge black dog to you and that is fine. With that said I think there are a couple of things to look out for.

IMO over-typecasting spouses in roles is very dangerous and damaging to relationships. I see the Mormon church pushing married couples to do that - it's less about the relationship and more about the husband/father role. Is the hubby leading out in spiritual matters enough, saying prayers enough, etc. There seem to be a lot of legitimate reasons for why you are concerned about why you don't like the idea of your hubby drinking. However some of your wording makes me think you should evaluate if you are looking at him as a role or as a person. This is not to say you shouldn't expect a level of responsibility, commitment, kindness, etc from him as a husband/father.

I'm not sure if that makes sense so let me give you an example. My wife has an uncle who lived with a lady for a long time. They seemed to have a good relationship. Then they got married. At a family get together they had an argument. I heard the husband say something along the lines of "No wife of mine is going to ...". It was pretty obvious he was putting her into a wife role and was looking at her as an object instead of a person. I wasn't surprised when they split up not much later.

Second thought is that you seem to be dancing around what I think of as the "if you loved me" trap. If you loved me you wouldn't go drinking. Well if you loved me you would let me go drinking. This kind of thing goes nowhere.

-----------

With that said I agree with the idea that going to a party with the intention to get completely plastered instead of social drinking, especially where he hasn't been drinking anything seems a little weird. However, I also think that even if you are uncomfortable with it, unless he is going to demonstrably do something harmful to himself, you, your kids etc. the right answer is probably to let it go and not control him. Why does he owe it to you not to do this just because you don't like it if there is no other good reason for him not to do it? (Again this comes back to the if you loved me cycle.)

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Disclaimer: I am saying all this with admittedly zero experience of alcohol - I've had a sip once, but I know myself well enough to know that I have a much higher than average risk of becoming an alcoholic so for it's not worth the personal risk to me.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/19/2012 09:04PM by bc.

You say he asks to attend a friend's 30th b-day and to have drinks? Doesn't sound like Hangover III to me. The Mormons have conned many into believing that one cannot consume alcohol responsibly, when in reality the vast majority do. Relax, darling.

There are a lot of people here who are saying that drinking to get drunk is wrong. That is BS. Except for the dangers of alcoholism (which doesn't happen to most people), there is nothing wrong, ethical or otherwise, with enjoying the effects of intoxication.

Roxy, you are approaching this issue with your husband in a way that I would never view a working relationship. I feel like you are being restrictive and hysterical. However, your husband is the one who is married to you, not me. He needs to take into account your feelings, and if you two discuss things like this, you need to take into account his feelings as well.

I hope he is not ignoring you on this.

Consider the idea that there is nothing wrong with him getting drunk except that you don't want him to. That is probably enough of a reason, but it is honestly the only one.

OP:

"I think maybe I'm sacred because i know deep down the church has helped keep him on the rails, and i'm worry if we loose this support and what he sees as reasons for being *good* he won't be :o|


That together with the OP says she is still fulfilling her callings--???


This comment doesn't ring any bells for anyone???

Maybe she has to add that she also continues to pay her tithings 'cause deep down she knows her tattoos aren't infected because of the blessings of temple attendance....


Anagrammy

I smelled that too. They just can't hide it, eh?

Ding! *Waves at Ana

lol, but you know me :P

So...this is you undercover?

If you say yes, I will delete my troll-warning! LOL

I tip my glass to you, 007!

Ana

I think you are being perfectly reasonable. Drinking to get drunk can lead to many problems. This isn't just a Mormon teaching. We talk about this in Medical School too. Emergency rooms are filled with drunks. So are the psychiatric wards. No matter how good someone's judgment may be when sober, that goes out the window when drunk. Drunk people make very poor decisions. I have witnessed this time and time again. Sure, most of the time nothing serious will happen. But when it does, it can be really bad. DUI's, deaths, cheating. I shouldn't try to scare you, but I have a fairly strong opinion here. Even though I don't believe in the church anymore, I won't touch alcohol. I have seen the damage it can cause.

From what you're saying he says and does, it sounds more like he's not active because he's "sinning", rather than because he actually disagrees with it doctrinally, or otherwise. I guess I would want more clarification on that if I were you.

Other than that, I can understand you not wanting your husband acting like a frat boy. We are around 30 and inactive by choice, and I had some fears about my husband wanting to go out and live it up the way he didn't get to before. It seems like, he did it once or twice to get it out of his system. It's not a big deal to me if he drinks, but we did have a talk about the fact that he is an adult now, with responsibilities (a child, a job, a wife) and that we should still be making good choices of our own volition, without having to be a part of the Church.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/19/2012 11:59PM by dogeatdog.

Hmm, I definitely would be concerned about emotional propensity toward drinking too much and self-destructive behavior, but maybe I'm reading too much into it.

One red flag for me is that the husband blamed Roxy for his behavior--sounds like he is using doubts about the church to enable irresponsible behavior, i.e., it's her fault for telling him things that make him believe less, and therefore that he wants to drink more.

Definitely not a healthy, responsible way tho look at substance use, and maybe a tad manipulative--if not intentionally so, at least by virtue of buying Mormon and religious hype about needing religion/God to have morals or codes of conduct. Makes sense if he's not mentally out, though. De-mormonizing is tough though, I suspect that's the main thing at play here.

I can imagine that he was also just being defensive though, so maybe I've got it wrong.

Either way I would agree with the idea of setting some ground rules. Some people do need some structure. I's definitely not something to be too worried about if it is occasional, as others have said.

She's a troll. Just ignore the OP