This forum is currently read only. You can not log in or make any changes. This is a temporary situation.
Recovery Board  : RfM
Recovery from Mormonism (RfM) discussion forum. 
Go to Topic: PreviousNext
Go to: Forum ListMessage ListNew TopicSearchLog In
Posted by: runtu ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 11:11AM

What's the difference between the LDS church and a Dementor?

One is a dark, brooding entity that sucks all the joy out of your soul, and the other is a character in the Harry Potter books.

Why did Joseph Smith cross the road? To get to the other bride.

What do you get when you cross a Mormon with a Unitarian Universalist? Someone who knocks on your door for no particular reason.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: caedmon ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 11:14AM

How is a non-Mormon wedding different than a Mormon wedding?

At a non-Mormon wedding, the bride is pregnant. At a Mormon wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: gus2144 ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 11:22AM

My favorite one- How about I read the BOM for the 10th time, I may of missed something.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Mormon Observer ( )
Date: September 08, 2012 12:34AM

My youngest was three months old at my daughter's wedding reception reception! LOL!

And he became an "uncle" when he was three years old!

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: twojedis ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 11:24AM

A bishop goes golfing on Sunday. St. Peter is standing next to God, watching the Bishop golf. At the first hole, he hits a hole in one. Same thing with the second hole, and so on, through the entire round.

St. Peter is astounded and said, "Why are you letting him do this? He's breaking the Sabbath."

God said, "Who's he going to tell?"

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Xyandro ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 12:07PM

What do you get when you mix LDS and LSD?

A high priest.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Ponti ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 12:13PM

..because you never know when one of them might be awake.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Soft Machine ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 05:50PM


Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: baura ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 02:56PM

How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb?

answer: Two, one to change the lightbulb and one to say nothing has been changed.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: jacob ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 03:02PM

I always heard it this way. One to open the meeting and to call on another to say the prayer. One to say the prayer. One to anoint the light bulb with oil. One to sing a special musical number. One to seal the anointing. The first one gets up to call on another one to say the closing prayer, imploring this person to not forget to bless the food. Last one to bring the food of green jello and Hawaiian punch.

That's seven and all of their families, and since there better be an investigator and the missionaries we will round up to ten just to be safe.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: bvd ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 03:13PM

How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
Zero. Mormons don't use light bulbs because they can't see the light.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: ambivalent exmo ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 03:14PM

Ok. Now THAT is funny!!
whoops, wrong place...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/07/2012 03:15PM by ambivalent exmo.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: pathdocmd ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 07:39PM

I heard it like this:

If it is the RS, it takes three: one to change the bulb and two to bring refreshments.

If it is the Elder's quorum it takes two, but you will have to wait until the last day of the month.

If it is a GA, it just takes one. He just holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: twojedis ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 11:02PM

If it's a scout, just one. He holds the bulb up and the world revolves around him.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: S. Tissue Trotter ( )
Date: September 08, 2012 12:40AM

Huh? GA was funny, because of their conceit. Scout makes no sense. Could you explain?

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: wyoming ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 03:19PM

Q: Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans to Mormons?
A: Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: jong1064 ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 03:30PM

Why should you always take 2 Mormons with you when you go fishing?

Because if you take only one he will drink all your beer.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: jong1064 ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 03:31PM

What did the RM say to his wife on their wedding night?

You better stand back, honey, I don't know how big this thing gets.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Polyandry Hotel ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 09:14PM

...and having blue balls is a testimony of my righteousness

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Lostmypassword ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 04:50PM

Hindu - One god per village
Mormon - One god per planet
Jewish/Christian/Moslem - One god
Unitarian - At most, one god.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Dan McKenzie ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 06:40PM

Four religious truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as Messiah, only as a Jewish
prophet.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith, only the leader of the Catholic Church.
3. Nation of Islam does not recognize either Jesus or the Pope.
4. Mormons do not recognize each other at the liquor store or at
Hooters.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Raptor Jesus ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 06:59PM

The Catholic orders wine and calls it the blood of Christ. The Baptist orders a beer and "praises Christ."

The Mormon orders water and pouts the entire time thinking of Joseph Smith.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Don Bagley ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 08:26PM

Very good, Raptor. The same group talking about underwear:

Catholic: I wear briefs. I like the support.

Baptist: I wear boxers for comfort.

Mormon: How about those Dodgers?

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: ambivalent exmo ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 09:06PM


Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: sonoma ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 08:37PM

(from my friend DB at BYU circa. 1982)

Q. what's the difference between a BYU Co-ed and a bowling ball?

A. a bowling ball doesn't go tho the bishop after you've rolled it!

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Polyandry Hotel ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 09:10PM

Definition of a BYU Co-ed: Righteous enough to be translated but too heavy to get off the ground.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: quatermass ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 10:48PM

A Mormon bishop had three sons. Two were Mormons and one wasn't. One cold morning he was standing with his back to the fire when one Mormon son came down and told him of a dream he had had that night about dying and going to heaven.

"And what was it like there my son?"
"Oh, a wonderful place father, St. Peter at the pearly gates etc."

The second Mormon son comes down and relates he had a dream about going to heaven.

"And what was it like there my son?"
"Oh, a wonderful place father, St. Peter at the pearly gates etc."

The non-Mormon son comes down and tels him of a dream he had of dying and going to Hell.

"And what was it like there my son?"
"pretty much the same as here - you couldn't get near the fire for Mormons!"

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: quatermass ( )
Date: September 07, 2012 10:49PM

What do you get when you cross the prophet with a pack of cards?

A resurection shuffle.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: fabfeline4me ( )
Date: September 08, 2012 01:17AM

Ha!GREAT ones so far...
So this guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter is showing him around. They pass by a group of people praying and crossing themselves,and the man turns to St. Peter and asks "who are they?" and St. Peter replies "Oh them? They are the Catholic people," and they move on. The next group they come upon are praying and singing and the man again turns and asks who they are, and St. Peter says "Those are the Baptists". Some time later they come upon a third group, watching a man speak, stone silent..and the man asks "WHO ARE THEY?" To which St. Peter said "SHHHHHHHH those are the Mormons..and they think they are the only ones here".....bwahahaha!

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: DebbiePA ( )
Date: September 08, 2012 01:28AM

The Pope calls Cardinal Dolan on the phone, and he can hardly speak. "Cardinal!! I've got some good news and some bad news!!"

The Cardinal says, "Give me the good news first." The Pope says, "I just got a call from Jesus! It's the second coming, and he's on the earth now!!"

Cardinal Dolan says, "But Holy Father, that's wonderful! What's the bad news?"

"He called from Salt Lake City."

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: ozpoof ( )
Date: September 08, 2012 01:47AM

What's red and smells like urine?

Packer's Conference Center seat.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: adoylelb ( )
Date: September 08, 2012 02:14AM

A variation of the Second Coming joke I've heard is that Monson calls Packer on the phone saying, "I've got good news and bad news!"

Packer says, "Give me the good news first."

"I've just gotten off the phone with Jesus Christ, and it's the Second Coming!"

Packer says, "That's great, what's the bad news?"

Monson says, "He's calling from the Vatican!"

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Docia ( )
Date: September 08, 2012 03:51AM

Q: What do you call 100,000 at the bottom of a lake?
A: A start!

Q: How do you fit 100 BYU co-eds in a VW Bug?
A: Toss in an Engagement Ring!

Options: ReplyQuote
Go to Topic: PreviousNext
Go to: Forum ListMessage ListNew TopicSearchLog In


Sorry, you can't reply to this topic. It has been closed. Please start another thread and continue the conversation.