Once upon a time in a land of the Greatest and Saltiest Lake EVER! lived a young Raptor Jesus who very much still loved the church that hated most everything about him.

One day Raptor and his family went down to the magical place called Temple Square where the flowers are as pretty as the foreign sister missionaries.

It was General Conference time and Raptor was very excited. The huge Conference Center was just completed, and Conference was going to be way less boring this year for sure. Truly the church was rolling forth the fill the earth, if such a giant building needed to be erected to hold all the faithfull saints as they listened to their inspired leaders.

Gordon B. Hinckley spoke in his warbly grandpa voice about the "marvelous" work that had been accomplished and the planes that could land inside the building along with all the polished wood that was around.

That building sure was neato. So much room. So much space. Wooooooooooowwww! It was a marvel to see all those righteous priesthood holders in their dark suits, white shirts, and ties. And there were also women there who weren't busy in a kitchen somewhere instead.

After the conference session, it was time to walk around Temple Square which is the unwritten law of attending a live General Conference session. Raptor Jesus' thoughts almost turned innapropriate when he saw the hot Asian sister missionaries giving "tours" of the grounds. Almost - because while their faces were hot - their dresses sure were righteously frumpy.

But, hark, just beyond the Temple Square gates were a bunch of silly nanny protestors. How could those Satan worshipping Satan worshippers protest something as "spiritual" and "uplifting" as conference.

The young Raptor was intruiged though, possibly tempted by the DEVIL himself, and he went over to see what the evil crybabies were crying about.

A cute, young woman gave Raptor a pamphlet. She seemed embarrassed to do so. Perhaps she didn't really want to be there. Or more likely she was twitterpated by Raptor's explodingly hot animal charisma and she needed to shield her thoughts from Satan's sippy cup of fornication that tipped into her brain.

Raptor read quickly through the pamphlet. It was a pamphlet after all, and Raptor was somewhat literate after graduating from public High School.

Inside detailed all of the ways that Mormonism was WRONG, namely:

God and Jesus were SEPARATE beings. Also, the Holy Ghost was too!

Jesus and Satan were BROTHERS!

Mormons believed in GOOD WORKS!

God was once A MAN!

Man could be like GOD!

Raptor looked at the young girl and she seemed to shy away even more. He was not impressed. She seemed to hope for a different reaction.

"I don't understand this," Raptor said to her.

"What do you mean?" She timidly axed.

"These are the things I already know and already believe." Raptor pointed to the point about Man could be like god, "and this one is what I want more than anything."

"But that's not real Heaven." She had gained enough courage to respond.

"So what is 'real heaven?'"

"I don't know. That's like explaining Calculus to a baby."

Raptor paused for a minute before handing back the pamphlet to her.

"So, you want me to trade godhood for 'you don't know?' Yeah, I don't think so."

Raptor left with a "sure understanding" of what "anti-Mormonism" was.

I always thought the harem of celestial maidens was the best part.

That's some high falutin wordsmithing, there Raptor:


"Or more likely she was twitterpated by Raptor's explodingly hot animal charisma and she needed to shield her thoughts from Satan's sippy cup of fornication that tipped into her brain."

They need to have a different line for the guys.

Threatening to take away their right as Gods probably won't work well.

Maybe telling them there will be thousands of crying screaming babies (all his).

How funny that they would pick out the most appealing parts of Mormon doctrine to criticize. That isn't going to get them very far with believing Mormons. Maybe it might make some non-members steer clear if they are the type of people who love the Bible but for anyone else it is useless.

It falls into, "my myth is so wonderful and great, everyone has to accept that my myth is actually the correct version of the myth. Therefore if I show everyone how their myth conflicts with my myth, they will realize they are wrong. They couldn't possibly see my poor half donkey attempt at truth, as proof of how my myth is wrong and theirs is so right."

The only effective way to deal with Mormonism or any other cult is to attack the irrationality of the myth, and the easily disproved ideas they are built upon.

Love the way you turned it on the last line.

Yeah, those things they all brought up are the parts of Mormonism that make SENSE (as much as any religion CAN make sense anyway).

If God and Jesus are the same person, then clearly Jesus/God was very schizophrenic when Jesus gets baptized in the Bible. It just makes WAY more sense to have them be separate entities.

There are lots of other low hanging fruit you could go after if you want to prove Mormonism wrong. Otherwise you are just saying "The Mormon's imaginary friend is wrong! You should believe in MY imaginary friend!"

and this is exactly why "anti-mormon" literature has such a bad name with the TBMs. People who protest that kind of crap are truly doing a dis-service to exmormons and to mormons for that matter.

They're just as idiotic as the rest. Maybe they're trying to rebrand them to evangelicals, I dunno, but it's all dumb.

I totally agree. Most evangelically-produced anti-LDS materials are so easy to dismiss because it's overemotional and relies on non-LDS materials. Think of what they could do with previous versions of LDS scripture, presented calmly and rationally.

Love it RJ! But you spelled 'hawt' wrong... :P

Hey, know what'd be fun?

You know how mormons are told to ignore the temple square protestors, or to be polite to them?

Well, we're not subject to those same rules. Someone (i can't, i don't live anywhere near there) should go argue with one of those protestors and tell them what a fucking moron they are being being so bad and being anti-mormon. Tell them the real truths about mormonism, call them out on their methods and literature and that they're giving a bad name to the true cause, and creating a stigma of what it means to be a true anti-mormon.

Can I offer them advice on making their message better instead? I could even see them paying me to do so. Actually, I am volunteering to help them out for money. I suggest they pass the plate around an extra time this Sunday to raise my fee.

Religion sucks.

All I know is "Satan's sippy cup of fornication" would either be the coolest band name ever, or a great drink at a strip club.