My boyfriend is ex-Mormon, at least he claims he is. I know that it still hunts him.
How to help him recover?

You are sweet to want to help him recover. What let's you know he's haunted? How long has he been out of the church? And, are you in momo country?

No, I am from Central Europe. LDS isn't very popular here.
When I first met him I didn't even know what Mormonism is.
Since he admitted his ex-Mormon I've been trying to find any information about LDS, but it's very hard to do.
He says he has been out for two years. I believe it's not enough.
What let's me know? He keeps saying 'our ward' (what makes me mad), when I ask questions he reponses like he feels a need to defend LDS church. I've asked him to demand his name removed from church records, but he has never had a time to do so.
I really love him, but I don't want it in my life.

I've been out for over 5 years and I would not take too kindly to my boyfriend trying to dictate how I should feel about my former religion. I have not formally resigned. It's MY business when or if I decide to.

I DO refer to my former ward as "my ward" occasionally, I'd be annoyed if my boyfriend read too much into it. I was with these people for more than 30 years and I maintain close relationships with many of them.

I have also on occasion set people straight on the FACTS about mormonisim.. it could be interpreted as "defending" it but I don't do it to extol it's virtues,but to set people straight on exactly what it is and what it isn't.. There's enough weirdness in mormonisim without needing to perpetuate myths about mormonisim that are not true.

Mormonisim will ALWAYS be in my life. I do not agree with it, I do not practice it, I certainly don't believe it, but Mormonisim still plays a part in my life. I've made peace with that and I accept it. I will be attending baptisms, blessings, mormon weddings for the rest of my life. My boyfriend had best accept it too, or find himself a new woman.

As much as we may like, we can't make Mormonism, and our experiences with it, just disappear. It happened, deal with it.

Maud, check out this link and contact organisations. Maybe you find support in your local area...

http://www.fecris.org/

Thank you very much!

Run and run fast. He is still in. He will try to convert you. YOU don't need anything to do with Mormonism. He is not worth it. If he is truly an exmormon he will show you his paperwork.

If he still feels that need to defend the LDS church, he isn't done processing the fact that it just isn't a true church. Other religions might not care about that "true" aspect, but to LDS that have been brainwashed from childhood, it can be heartbreaking. Since you love him, hopefully you can respect that he needs to take time to heal.

Imagine being lied to about something your whole life, in a cunningly manipulative way, mostly by people who didn't know they were perpetuating the deception, only to find out the truth later. The shock doesn't leave quickly.

Or, he might not know all the historical facts that show the church's roots are a scam and the modern leaders still lie.

He joined the LDS church to marry a Mormon girl. They had been married for over 20 years. So he wasn't raised that way and it was his decision to get brainwashed.
But you are absolutely right. I need to be more patient.

20 years is a long time. Does he have kids that are still mormon? If so, he's still connected to it if he likes it or not.

My husband was in for 20 years. He's not going to get over it anytime soon. His adult son is still in, and raising his grandchild in the church.

It's going to take time.

Mia, how are you able to stand it?
There is one thing I cannot understand. How is it possible he got involved. Grown man!
I tried to read Book of Mornon. Just from curiosity. But it's so ridiculous I couldn't even finish it.

You are assuming that belief in the morg is based on a conscious choice. That everyone in the morg is there because they believe everything the morg says is true. That they have accepted all of it intellectually. That they believe what the morg says is intellectually congruent and makes sense.

That is hardly the truth. MORmONs believe because the 'spirit' tells them so... If they doubt, they pray to the spirit and the spirit tells them the BS is true. Even when what the morg says makes absolutely no sense - which is just about every thing that comes out of the mouths of leaders in the church...

It cannot be explained rationally. It's mind control. It's a cult...

I know how controlling it is. I mean he told me so and I learned that reading the posts here. I even experienced that controlling nature of LDS when dealing with his Mormon ex wife.
And I know it is a cult. When I first used that word to describe LDS my boyfriend was shocked. I think at that time he wasn't able to see a difference between religion and cult.

I agree with you completely. Faith is not about understanding, it's about believing. When you decide to try to understand, you will lose your faith very soon.

I still think it it was his conscious choice to investigate Mormonism. And I am very surprised he didn't run away. That's all.

Rent/buy a movie called, "Ticket to Heaven." (It can be ordered through Netflix in the US, but it isn't immediately available.)

It is based on Moonwalk, the story of a man who was recruited to become a moonie (Unification Church of Sun Myung Moon).

It's not an award winning film and the production values aren't very good. Meg Foster's character is about 9 out of 10 on the creepy meter and Kim Cattrell's character is just bizarre.

However, it produces a very good rendition of how cults recruit and maintain members.

The man recruited was not an idiot, weak emotionally (although he was emotionally vulnerable as most people are when they join cults) or poor and living on the streets. He did not seek the cult, but was deceived by 'friends.' He was an upper middle class, non-observant Jew.

(At the end of the story, he gets deprogrammed. This is pretty accurate, too and the methods used pretty much apply to most cults.)

Instead of looking at the cult phenomena from one view - leaving, joining, questioning, etc. The film shows the whole process, from beginning to end in about 2 hours. A new perspective.

My point: Looking at it from the outside, it is patently obvious this whole thing is crap. The methods used to control and manipulate users, trite and transparent. But, they aren't to the person who is being recruited and/or controlled by the cult. Individual members don't stand much chance of breaking away from it without help.

You just do not walk away from this type of psychological control without serious consequences...

Perhaps this will give you a perspective on what your boyfriend went/is going through...

I don't think you are going to have a good result from pressuring him to resign. It just reinforces the "us vs. them" beliefs.

Be patient.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/19/2012 04:34PM by John_Lyle.

Thank you for your help! I need to find that movie with subtitles in my mother tongue (I don't live in The States, so it is still difficult to me to fully understand spoken English).

I am very glad I found that website, it is very helpfull. It already helped me to understand better what he is going through (not that I will be ever able to fully understand it). That made me admire him even more.
All I want is to be as supportive as I can.

Take care!

Mormons have a better story than it appears looking from the outside in.

1) There are generally quite good at fellow-shipping and making you feel welcome, especially when you are first getting involved. You feel very welcome and wanted. This can be a huge draw.

2) If you don't do independent research they have a pretty good story. It draws a lot of people in and keeps a lot of people hooked - even very intelligent people.

3) They know how to play strongly on emotions that make it appear you are getting an answer from God. These feelings are very compelling.

4) Many people have a lot of good experiences within Mormonism. If you are on the fringe at all that is where you quickly get discriminated against. We for good reason focus on the harm that has been done to us, but it is much more of a mixed bag that we typically taught about here. The majority of Mormons have very good intentions - they are just very mislead.

I wouldn't blame your bf as being dumb for getting involved - it's only after the tentacles are set that you start to see the problems.

Maybe you should send him here to see for himself!

Sorry, but in the USA, Mormons have a reputation for being untrustworthy. Utah is the #1 state for scams in America. My TBM family members have stolen hundreds of thousands of dollars from me, from family businesses, properties, and inheritances. My boss is a well-respected non-Mormon businessman, and he advises all of us to not do business with Mormons. He could be sued for this attitude, I'm sure. My friends and I grew up in a state outside of Utah, and when we went to BYU in Provo, we were robbed by our roommates, and on campus our books and coats were stolen out of our cars or wherever we would set them down for a moment. We learned the hard way. In the Mormon temples, there was so much stealing of clothing, shoes, and purses, that lockers with locks had to be installed.

The reason I'm telling you this, is that you don't seem to trust your boyfriend. Perhaps he is lying about not being in the church. Maybe he will marry you, and inform you that he believes in the Mormon heaven, in which men are believed to have harems of wives. Mormons still practice polygamy in the temples. I know, because I am still sealed to a Mormon husband who beat me, and he now has three other temple wives. As a female, I was not allowed to remarry in the temple, or to get a temple divorce. Most Mormon men believe women are inferior beings. I'm just saying.

If I were you, I would go with your gut instincts, and find someone normal. But if you love him and want to marry him, you could ask him to please formally resign from the Mormon cult before you get married, so the two of you could have a Christian wedding or the wedding of your choice. Resigning only requires an e-mail to the Church Office Building, Membership Division. You can find the e-mail address on this website (sorry I don't know the current address.)

I trust him. I do not trust a world around him.
I am gonna look for that e-mail address. I have asked him to resign many times, but he hasn't yet. I am gonna push harder :)

Thank you! :)

Here you are...

http://www.exmormon.org/remove.htm

Good luck.