I need some advice. I've had a really rocky/poor relationship with my mother since I left the church and moved in with my boyfriend. We hardly ever talk partly because she used to be very condescending and short with me. Things have gotten a little better with time but I understand she is hurting because of my decision (stupid church). She is diabetic and last night just got admitted to the hospital alone (family at home is gone camping) for vomiting blood and anemia. Only one sibling knows and shared with the rest of us..our family is terrible about communicatng about these things.

Now I have gone to worrying about her being rude to me to worrying that I will lose my mother too soon while we are at odds end with each other. I don't know what to do. She is still my mother and always will be and it makes me sick to think she is not doing well, wouldn't call me, and our relationship suck all because of that stupid church.

If you're nearby, go see her in the hospital. Ask what you can do/get for her. If the conversation turns to religious guilt, cut the visit short and wish her well.

+ 1 to what Ragnar said.

NoName, don't expect that she'll behave any less condescending than she always has. But I would go and at least ask if she'd like to see you, if she does but becomes combative just tell her you love her and always will and leave.

She seems to have more conditions on her love than you do on yours. Is that healthy? Does a truly loving person manipulate your emotions in order to get you to conform to what they think is best for you?

Yes, I would say GO

You want to be able to look back someday and have no regrets for your actions

My gawds, she is in the hospital. Your young, she is not.
pls ... just try

I left the church about 10 years ago while my father was still alive. I told them about it but he was so sick he didn't really understand what I was saying. He passed away about 4 years ago and I was going through a very bad ending of a relationship with my now ex wife. When my father passed I could not mourn his loss because I was so bitter about life. I was actually envious of him for passing. I finally got out of that relationship and met my current wife and it was not until I met her and began to heal emotionally that I was finally able to mourn my father.

Q while after I met my current wife but before we were married we moved in together in a small apartment and my mom was living alone in a house she had bought just after my father passed away. She was struggling so my (at the time) girlfriend and I moved in with her to help her make the house payments and to help with other expenses. Shortly after we moved in my mom, who has remained true blue TBM through all this finally couldn't hold it in and started with the harassment about me leaving the church.

It got so bad that I finally had to sit her down and tell her this. "Mom, I know that you still believe in the church, and that you need that comfort of knowing in your heart that because of the church you will see dad again. I understand that and I would never try to take that away from you. What I need you to see is that I am a better person since I left the church. I have not changed or become completely evil nor have I become an alcoholic or drug addict. I am the same person basically and the one big difference is that I am so much happier now. If you will look at my life now compared to how it was before I left the church you will see that I am happier than I have ever been. I love you and I will always love you and leaving the church has not nor will not ever change that. You always told me that you would always love me UNCONDITIONALLY and I believed you. The way you are acting right now tells me that you won't love me unless I am a member of the church, and that is not unconditional love. If you truly love me unconditionally then you need to stop harassing me about the church and just accept me for who I am now."

It took a few days but she did stop and we have lived together for over two years now and we have a wonderful relationship. It took time and a major serious discussion, but we are fine.

I am sorry for you that your mom is having such serious health problems because it will make it hard for you to be brutally honest with her as you need to. I would suggest that you show her that you love her. Let her know that just because you have left the church you have not changed that much and that you do love her because she is your mom and that you hope that she can love you because you are her daughter, without conditions. Be there for her while she is ill and show her that you are the same loving caring person you have always been and that leaving the church has not changed who you are fundamentally. Good luck and I wish your mom the best and that she comes through this so that you and her can mend your relationship.

+10 Craig

Go and be there for your mom if you possibly can. No matter what else happens, she will always remember that you were there for her. It will make a difference, whether she admits it or not. You, otoh, might feel guilty if something were to happen and you weren't there. I've been where you are right now and have never regretted being there when my mother was desperately ill. Not saying you should put up with any abuse, but go there for your own sake and because she's your mother. All the best.

Craig's advice is solid. I would suggest you begin that conversation by thanking her for raising you with good values. Tell her that you know she is disappointed you have left the church, but that the iron rod you hold onto is the good upbringing you had. Try and remember a story from your childhood that illustrates a character trait which remains meaningful to you today.

A parent feels like a failure when their child leaves the church because the church brainwashes them to believe that children remaining members of COJCLDS is the way they will be judged in heaven Children are the jewels in their celestial crown.

Remind your mother that Jesus looked into people's hearts in the Bible, and he can see that she has done a good job because you are a responsible, caring citizen. Your decision to leave was yours and yours alone and Mormonism teaches in the Articles of Faith that people are held responsible for their own actions, not for the actions of others.

When you tell her you love her, tell her also that the bond you have as mother and child runs deeper than any religious belief. You love her unconditionally....etc. (what Craig said).

The message is in the details --it is not enough to say "I will always love you." I hope you reach your mother with your message of love and peace before she is unable to understand you.

Hugs to you--this is so difficult.

Anagrammy

I would recommend going but accept that she isn't likely to change. And try and establish some boundaries - if the conversation turns combative/manipulative, tell her that you love her but her behavior is not acceptable.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Thanks everyone. They released her from the hospital but I am still worried. She refused mutiple offers from myself and other siblings to go be with her. I am upset that she has been vomiting blood and has black tarry stool and they are putting off a scope for another week when she could still be bleeding (small town, don't have alway have a doctor on any given day to do it). Everyone in my family is worried that she is not taking it seriously and wishes she would drive to the bigger city to get better medical care and the scope sooner.

And now I am fighting with my family over it. It's stupid. I am actually a pharmacy school student and I understand how serious this is. I have acquantainces who work at a gastroenterology office. But she's being condescending to my knowledge and resources. I know it is probably embarrassing for her to acknowledge the bloody stool but that's bad and I wouldn't have known about it without knowing what to ask for. And I don't care if I scare her...in fact I hope I do if it causes her to take action. She would do the same for any of us.

I think the passive aggressive nature of my mother and even the secrecy is an unfortunate symptom of being raised in the stupid church.

The last time I was able to visit my mother, she was in the Palliative Care Unit. It was about a week before she passed away and I arrived sort of as a surprise. My boss had given me a day off (Friday) and I was able to make the 4 hours bus ride to go see her. I had not told her I would come, everything had been last minute, because it was on the Thursday itself, that my boss (and friend) told me I should go see my mom. When I arrived, she greeted me with a stern "I wish you had not come". She had never been that way with me before.

I found out that they had just given her a new medicine for her cancer and it had had a terrible effect on her and being unable reach the bathroom in time, she ended up having an 'accident' and they had just finished cleaning everything.

I asked her if I could still please stay. I would not disturb her. I would just sit in the corner of the room. I had brought reading, music, and things to do. I just wanted to hang out with her. And if she needed anything she only had to ask.
She said ok, but that the nurses took care of things she needed.
So I smiled, sat down and spend the day trying to hold in all the feelings that rushed over me, and sometimes chocking on my cryies. You see, I knew it was a question of time by now.

She stayed with a very stern, almost angry, face and most of the time she would spleep (or pretend to) with her back to me. Sometimes, she was 'facing me' and I would suddenly look up from my book or something I was doing and I would spot her staring at me, and as soon as she noticed it, she would close her eyes very quickly.
She did not speak, until my sister arrived from work to pick me up so I could stay at her place during the week-end.

My sister had been taken care of my mother since she had entered the hospital (around 2 months). I had been very close to my mom and taken care of her for all the time we lived in the same city (15 years). My mom responded very well to my sister when she came to the hospital (I think my sister has a natural talent in interacting with people in hospitals, nursing homes, etc). It broke my heart to not have had a lovely day with my mom for my last day with her specially once I saw her respond to my sister so well.

But in any case my last words to her were "I love you!" (with a hug and kisses... we French people always kiss). She answered "Really?", in very doubtfull tone. It almost 'killed' me. I reached deep down for my loving daughter laugh and laughed and said "off course I love you mom". She did not answer. And if you knew the relationship we had, you would have been very surprised as well at her comments. Later, I think I understood what that was all about.

I'm sorry I was very long but I just wanted to share with you that story, because of two things. First, I realized it was very humiliating for my mom to go through what she was going through. Not only for the whole cancer but for that particular day with the horrible medicine and its consequences. So your mom, may be feeling humiliated, and probably vulnerable, and that could be why she doesn't want anyone there.
Second, I've always been very glad that my last words to my mom were "I love you".

No matter what happens, I wish you well on your journey in the relationship with your mom.

You did all you could. You handled a very difficult and emotional situation with dignity and love, even seeing your sister receiving a "mother's blessing" and your love not being acknowledged.

I hope you are acknowledging your efforts to yourself and they are a comfort to you. No matter how much we want things to be different in these family relationships, we are still just 50% and the other person has to make an effort too.

Thanks for sharing

Namaste

Anagrammy