Watch Jim gaffigan King Baby. He makes reference of his big head in the beginning. "It's so big it could be a Mormon mascot. Funny stuff...that'll make you laugh. :)
I clicked the link here at work and got a web filter violation - adult materials warning. I should have known better than to click on a link from you ;)
Well...if you're a musician you may find this amusing!
I'm gonna take you back a number of decades to when my Great-Great Grandfather was heading West to Utah with other Pioneers. This sweet story has been passed down to our family through many generations.
After one very long day on the trail my Great-Great Grandfather was riding shotgun in the front seat of the covered wagon along with his father.
They had been hearing Indian (Lamanite) war drums periodically along the trail that were seemingly getting closer and closer to their wagon train and handcart caravan.
As they were approaching a narrow ravine that would have left them vulnerable and defenseless to an Indian (Lamanite) attack on most all sides the war drums began again and were the closest and loudest that they had yet heard all along their travels.
Very nervous...and with the sound of a war drum beating in the brush very near to where they were heading towards the ravine my Great-Great Grandfather's father turned to him and said, "Son, i sure don't like the sound of those drums!"...whereupon almost immediately there came a voice that hollered back from the nearby forest just off of their main wagon train trail..."Geez, were sorry...he's not our regular drummer!!!"
A young boy hands the bishop a small envelope filled with a couple dollars and some change.
Wanting to use this as a teaching moment, the bishop smiles, shakes the boys hand, looks him in the eye, and tells the boy: "Thank you. But you need to use this slip and indicate if this money should go towards tithing, or fast offering for the poor and needy, or other church needs so the Church knows how to use this money."
The boy shakes his head, "No bishop...this money is for you."
The bishop is unsure the boy understands, and asks: "You mean this money is for the Church, for the Lord, right?"
The boy shakes his head again, and replies: "No. This is for you."
The bishop is now perplexed, and asks: "Why is this for me?"
The boy shrugs his shoulders, and says, "My dad says your one of the poorest bishops we've ever had."
A guy and his lawyer go to meet with an IRS agent for an audit.
IRS agent: I've reviewed your filing and things don't add up. You don't appear to have a job, stocks or any other investments, yet you have a healthy income. How do you make this money?
Guy: It's pretty simple. I make bets. I'm just really good at winning bets.
IRS Agent: That sounds pretty far fetched. Are you a drug dealer or something?
Guy: No really. Here I'll show you. I'll bet you $500 I can lick my right eye.
IRS Agent: [Thinks for a minute] Okay you're on.
Guy: [Pulls out his glass right eye and licks it.] You owe me $500.
IRS Agent. Fine you got me.
Guy: I'll tell you what. I'll give you a chance to make your money back and still get a profit. I bet you $1000 I can bite my ear.
IRS Agent: [Thinks a little longer. Decides there is no way the guy has a detachable ear.] OK fine, you're on.
Guy: [Pulls his dentures out and bites his ear.] You owe me $1500.
IRS Agent: Fine you got me again.
Guy: I'll tell you what I'll give you another chance. I'm sure you are leery by now so here's the deal. If I win you only pay me $500 more. However if you win I erase the debt and pay you $1000. I'll bet you I can stand here on this side of your desk. And standing here I can pee over the top of your desk into the waste basket on the other side without spilling a single drop.
IRS Agent. [Thinks for a really long time. Finally decides there is no way this is possible and if it is, it's worth the money to see.] OK, I'm worried you've got something up your sleeve, but fine I'll take the bet.
Guy: [Winks at his lawyer. The lawyer gives him a shocked disgusted look.] [Pees. To the IRS Agent's surprise and delight, pees all over his desk - doesn't even get any in the bucket.]
IRS Agent: [Jumps up and down in excitement.] Yes! I win.
Lawyer: [Slaps his head.] Aghhhhh!
IRS Agent: What's wrong.
Lawyer: He just bet me $20,000 he could come in here, pee all over your desk, and you'd be happy about it!
And the worst/dumbest joke I've ever read. It's so bad it's almost funny:
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what’s wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The blonde says, “Don’t worry.” She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,”What is in that can?” The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says . .
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(You know you could just click off and not read the punchline)
(You know your gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
… It says, “Hair Spray – Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave.”
This quote, with the appropriate credit given to bc, shall be printed out and pinned to my office wall, right next to Anagrammy's quote about transparency.
Evil Roy Slade got a job selling shoes. The store manager gave Roy a shoehorn to help customers get their feet into the shoes.
One customer couldn't fit his foot into a small shoe, so Evil Roy jabbed the man in the neck with the shoehorn and said, "You'll wear this shoe or die."
Later Roy told the manager that the shoehorn "Works real good."
“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”
“Crime in multi-storey parking lot. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
“I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.”
Q: What's the most successful pickup line ever? A: "Does this smell like chloroform?"
"An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the frothy head. The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened. The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you little bastard!"
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/15/2012 09:41PM by wine country girl.