Posted by:
Raptor Jesus
(
)
Date: August 07, 2012 02:13PM
My knee gave out over the weekend, and so I thought it would be a nice time to hole up with a "good book." Therefore, with ice, ibuprofen, and my brace, I re-read the Miracle of Forgiveness and will share my thoughts forthwith.
I would have preferred that this thread not be labeled as "adult." But that would be impossible when discussing the Miracle of Forgiveness. The book is full of sex. Naughty sex too. If you liked Fifty Shades of Grey - check this book out. The author can't go more than two pages without mentioning sex - even when the chapter is about LYING. He's obsessed. It's kind of creepy too because at the beginning of the book, there's this picture of him.
Old dude, staring at you with a hint of a smile. You look back at the picture and it's as if his old, shaky, disembodied voice is telling you, "I love talking about fucking."
Gross.
Anyway, the whole premise of the book is that you are a terrible person. And I don't care who YOU are - it covers that. You, no matter who - are such a Colossal fuckup - that it would be a literal MIRACLE if anyone ever forgave you.
Especially god.
You see. God. Hates. Sin. And YOU are a sinner. And while the book doesn't come right out and say that GOD HATES YOU. Well, he hates pretty much everything you've done and think about. So....
It might seem confusing, but I will walk you through it. God made you, in his image - but that image contains a disgusting, lazy, lying, gossiping, whore-mongering, faithless, useless sack of shitting Satan and "logic" lover.
And your goal is to take out all that yucky that god created you with so that you can be exactly like god. Yes, the book talks extensively about attaining godhood. That's the ultimate goal.
"The natural man is an enemy of god." Is a scripture that is quoted occasionally in the book. It is your job overcome that "naturalness" in order to become Super-Natural as god is. And unfortunately for us, humping is the most natural thing we can do. Unless, of course, it's same sex humping which is a "sin against nature." God, hates the natural man and the homosexual even though you'd think he'd appreciate the "unnaturalness" of it. But that's you using your "crafty logic" you goddamn sinner. Trust me. Sex is exactly like Karate. We learn it so that we never use it except for when appropriate. In the bedroom with our lawful spouses.
In case you are a complete dullard, the book goes into graphic detail about sexual sins so that you have NO excuse before god that what you did felt good, brought you no shame or guilt, but will condemn you for eternity. The book is also VERY clear about the natural consequences of breaking god's moral code:
"Among the most common sexual sins our young people commit are those of necking and petting. Not only do these improper relations often lead to fornication and abortions - both ugly sins - but in and of themselves the are pernicious evils, and it is often difficult for youth to distinguish where one ends and another begins."
If only I had heeded this counsel when I was a young youth. I can't recount how many times I was in the back seat of a car making out with some girl with "loose morals" when BAM!
ABORTION!
Like a thief in the night, abortion is skulking around every corner. Just waiting for you to let your guard down. And as youth - how can you tell? Did you simply make out with that lusty girl, or did you have an abortion?
Only confessing to a bishop will help clear up this tangled den of sexy Satanic snakes.
Another natural consequence of letting your abject Wontonness and pernicious incontinence run rampant (I wasn't sure what fried Chinese dumplings or pants wetting had to do with this) is Homosexuality and Bestiality. And it all starts with that seemingly innocuous act of "self abuse."
"For done in private, it [piddle diddles] evolves often into mutual masturbation - practiced with another person of the same sex - and thence into total homosexuality."
This particular sentence was so powerful and filled with such wisdom that it must be deconstructed thoroughly.
"For done in private" suggests that while evil, perhaps a slightly less evil masturbation would be one done in public. This would at least cut out the temptation that is explained immediately proceeding.
"evolves often into mutual masturbation" I must have been an even bigger pervert than the author because all my years of letting this sultry sin stain my spirit - I have NEVER engaged in this practice. Yet, he uses the word "often" as if he knows how rampant the practice is. Really KNOWS - almost from personal experience how one thing can lead to another. For again, "and thence into total homosexuality."
Either I was naturally more righteous or, more likely, more perverted than the author. Because my wicked wanking NEVER devolved into wontons filled with homosexuality and fried in the scalding vegetable oil of hell.
Because the author is SO sure that it does, I'll have to trust in his first hand experience with the matter.
Same with the swirling vortex of evil that homosexuality leads to bestiality. Again, the conviction of the author that once someone chooses to act on the temptation for same-sex sex that they can't help but fuck the family goat is so strong that I will defer to author's expertise.
He is an expert as well. As I have previously stated, the book goes into graphic detail about sex almost every page. The author has thought about this subject and been involved with it a lot. However, not once does the author mention how amazing it is to make sweet sweet non-condemned love to his wife. I guess it is implied at how often he talks about adultery, homosexuality, fornication, petting, "necking" (whatever the fuck that is. I guess something giraffes do.) that he loves the intimacy of HIS own wife MORE than he loves thinking about what everyone else is doing with their ding dongs and hoo haws.
Something else not mentioned very often or not at all in the book. Rape and pedophilia.
Rape is discussed from the victims point of view. Which, ACCORDING TO THE BOOK, you can only claim victimhood if you fought your hardest against the rapist - preferable to the point of death. Rapers are vaguely put in the same category as adulterers and given one sentence. Whereas pages and pages are devoted to people who think sexy thoughts, lie, murder, and don't treat their employees very well.
And pedophiles aren't mentioned whatsoever.
That MUST have been an editorial oversight. I mean, I can't really think of many things worse than rape and pedophilia. To be fair, the book doesn't go into much detail about war crimes. But I don't want to presume too much.
That would make me guilty of using "crafty logic." And I would simply hate to stand in front of god at the day of my judgment and have him proclaim, "I WOULD like to let you be with your family forever, but you THOUGHT too much, asshole. Away with you!"