So my radical TBM sister is coming to visit and she doesn't know that I'm out. Two of my long time inactive brothers don't really know, don't care, but my sister has no idea yet. She's coming out to visit and she's a total religious nut bag, big time! And she's very emotional to boot. So, if she found out I was leaving TSCC, she'd go completely nuts, and I mean berserck. So obviously my goal is to avoid the topic all together.

My question is two fold:
1. When the topic comes up about our 7 year old son who is in her eyes soon to be baptised, how should I answer?
2. If it does end up coming out one way or another that we've left the church, how to I break it to her without a total flip out?

Really, what I'm trying to avoid here is a meltdown of nuclear proportions

Dont get emotional about it yourself. If the subject of church comes up just calmly say "we're not affiliated any more". That's all she needs to know unless you WANT to get into a debate which I would recommend against.

Maybe you should tell her before she comes. That way you won't be there when she has the breakdown.If not,I would be vague about the baptism.Something like, 'we haven't planned that yet' or 'we will let you know.'



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/02/2012 07:53PM by bona dea.

+1

How long is the visit?

We are taking a break from church might work.

Bona dea's suggestion is probably better than mine, but I would call her ahead of time and say something like "We've been talking because we know you're religious, and we're concerned that you're going to freak out and maybe hurt yourself or something when you come out because we don't go to your church anymore. Is that going to be a problem?"

That's what I would say, but I'm tired of walking on eggshells around Mormons who want to be respected but who won't respect anyone else.

Yeah, I second what bona dea said. Just tell her you have some questions about the church and are taking a little break from it. Or you could just say you are a bit burned out and are taking a break from it. As far as your son is concerned, just tell her you don't have a definite date yet.

But I am a chicken when it comes to stuff like this. I tend to ease my people into the information that we've left the church and like them as far away as possible when they find out. For example, my inlaws are as crazy TBM as your sister sounds but they are both in extremely poor health. I don't want them to find out we don't believe any more in this lifetime honestly. I avoid the subject completely around them, which is pretty easy since they like to talk about themselves best anyway and I know how to talk "Mormon." My mom and sister are more aware of the situation but both, while upset, think it's something I'll "get over" and there is no point in aggravating the situation. I feed my opinions to them in little spoonfuls, which may seem unfair to me, when they shovel the Mormonism on, but it's the only way to get them to listen - which is my main goal. So I'm patient.

Anyway, make sure you have a loaded Starbucks card or something so you can sneak off for a Detox-from-Mormonism beverage and hide the incriminating stuff (books, coffee maker etc.). Let her patter on and hopefully you'll get through the experience without a melt-down on her part. Much like they aren't looking for reasons the church isn't true, they also aren't looking for reasons you don't attend so if you want to keep the peace, just play down the non-LDS aspects of your life and hopefully, she'll see what she wants to see. Good luck.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/02/2012 08:02PM by CA girl.

Give her the schedule for the ward(Os) while she is there if you need to.

Tell her ahead of time that you are no longer involved with tscc. Just seems like lying to her isn't a very good way to start off your new life out of the religion that's all a lie. Just be honest and respectful. She won't understand but even the most tbm are often hiding what they really believe. There may be some cracks in the armor that you haven't seen but by being honest it may one day open up a dialogue between you and your sister. And if it doesn't that's her problem.

She will have to find out sometime, but she doesn't have to know the details. I would tell her only what she needs to know-that you are not attending and have some doubts. She probably won't want to know specifics-especially when she finds out you have real non faith promoting information.If she asks, asks her if she really wants to know the dirt.

The best way to take the wind out of someone's sails when they're losing it is to remain calm. I'd probably just go, "Are you done yet?" Just don't give into their rant.

Yeah. Follow that up with maybe like a yawn or something, too. Or say "I knew you'd react like this" and walk out of the room.

You don't have to own their drama drama drama.

...make your own voice quieter and quieter.

But I agree with those who say you shouldn't have to always play her way and hide who you are in your own home. She needs to respect your right to choose, just as you respect hers.

She is visiting your territory.

Tell her JS is not a prophet but a tool of Satan. Record her flip out reaction and put it on YouTube.
No? Ok. Just be vague with your answers and change the subject.

I would tell her ASAP via email. That will give her time to process the news and hopefully come to terms with it.

i.e. "Sis, I know that this will come as a disappointment to you, but DH and I have decided to go inactive. We will no longer be attending the LDS church on a regular basis. We hope that you will respect our decision in the same manner as we respect your right to practice your faith. We love you and are very much looking forward to seeing you when you visit."

Whatever you do, and however it plays out.....

Don't allow her to stand in your home and rip you apart. It's your home, your decision. She has no right to take you apart in your own home (or any where), but especially in your home.

> Really, what I'm trying to avoid here is a
> meltdown of nuclear proportions

Sometimes I find it just easier and more convenient to come down with a "nasty contagious illness" than dealing with family. ;-)

It seems to me like becoming an ex mormons is the "nasty contagious illness" that is striking a lot of members lately.

don't talk religion or politics with your sister. just act normal, mabey even sleep in a tank top, and let her "accidently" see you. but just act normal and see if she brings up that you don't practice mormon values. let her be the instigator. ex.. don't have any mormon decor on display ,mabey she will question you about it. just say it is ugly. if she starts to question you, it makes her look like she is judging you in your house.

Just be you. If you aren't Mormon any more don't act like one. No need to make a big deal about it. If she ends up flipping out that's her deal not yours. She'll adjust if she wants to be involved with you.

I also strongly advise telling her via email or on the phone that you are no longer attending (have gone inactive) or that you are no longer Mormon (have resigned). Just be honest. By doing it before she comes, it will give her time to digest, throw her hissy fit (if she must have one) and she can honestly decide if she wants to visit you anyways or not. Be sure to guard your heart, as sometimes this has meant a canceled visit, some time apart and a slow rebuild of the relationship.

If she comes anyway, that's wonderful and I'd recommend just being your usual, happy, non-Mormon self. I second the recommendation of having a printout of the local wards time schedules, but also mention what you'll be doing instead while she's at the three-hour-bore-fest in case she would rather join you.

Keep things light, but if she does ask why you've left, I'd go ahead and tell her a few of your reasons, but form them in the form of "I had this question..... and when I did the research I was shocked and horrified, I'd recommend you look into it too". This might plant a seed.

Telling her beforehand is very respectful. With time to decompress she should remember how to be respectful in your home with your new decisions.

Good luck. Sending positive thoughts your way!

Ha-ha! I like the contagious illness idea! My brother was giving my sons a hard time about their not wanting to go on a mission, and not having a serious girlfriend (I guess LDS 17-19 year olds must do both at once). He was so relentless and nasty, that my kids didn't want him to visit, so I came down with the swine flu. My brother was the swine. Another time, I said that the kids were visiting their father, and that I was going on a women's retreat. Another time, I let him visit, and let the kids go stay with friends for a few days. By that time, the kids were old enough to stand up for themselves, and I learned to be assertive enough to tell him the truth. Read, "The Assertive (not aggressive) Woman," or any book on assertiveness training. This has helped me deal with pushy, manipulative, fanatical Mormons.

Ask your 7 year old son how he feels about having his aunt coming to visit. Listen to him. It is his house, too, and it is your responsibility to protect him from insanity. I would not want my 7 year old witnessing a meltdown of nuclear proportions!

Don't make a big deal out of leaving Mormonism, because it is not a big deal, compared to the lifetime you have shared with your sister--birthday parties, first crushes, road trips, sports or music in common--whatever. Church is a little thing.

Your sister will probably want to go to the temple with you, so you will have to tell her. I told my inquisitive family members, at a wedding, "I let my recommend expire. Let's not talk about religion--this is a celebration."

It is your house, your life, your son, and if you don't want to talk about religion, no one has the right to use emotional manipulation (a tantrum) to force you to.

My cousin had the perfect solution, IMO. She told her fanatic parents that her son was going to wait until he was 18, and of age, before getting baptized. End of story. By the time your son is 18, your sister will have adjusted to the idea that he will (thank God) never be a Mormon.

Congratulations on saving your son a lifetime of harassment and criticism. My kids were baptized, and the Mormon church has been a huge problem--like a giant mosquito, that they constantly have to swat away.

I agree with luckychucky. Be yourself. Let the chips fall where they may.

Years ago, when my family was going to be around I would hide the coffee maker, put away the liquor bottles - that type of thing.

Today I had to pick up a rabid TBM aunt. She stayed in the car while I ran into a store. When I got out I noticed that I had a pack of cigarettes (not mine) in the console and probably 4 condoms (those were mine) as well. No apologies no explanations. If she thinks I'm smoking and having random sex oh well!

I have a really bad mouth and let a few bombs drop now and then.

I have decided that people will either like me or not. Either way it's fine by me. Family included.