SO I am married to a never mo. Neither of us like weddings or marriage that much, we didn't have a big ceremony and we don't talk about it a lot. We do, however, have an awesome relationship and have for many years now.

DH's father has been saying some truly awful things about gay people lately, and we have decided he isn't welcome at our house anymore as a result. We never said he is out of our family or anything, just he can't stay here when he visits (there are other siblings willing to board him so it isn't a huge burden). He says really rude things to people all the time and then refuses to apologize. This is the first time anyone has declined to be around him as a result though, and DH's parents are really starting to freak out about it.

I found out through DH's sister that they are now saying our marriage isn't as "sacred" as theirs is and thats why we don't understand that DH's dad doesn't really mean it when he says homophobic or rude things to people. I don't even know how to respond, or if I should. I know what she means by "sacred", we weren't married in the temple so she thinks its a big sham. Is marriage a contest now?

I just needed somewhere to vent about this. They could just be sorry that they said such horrible things, but they won't be. neither of us are backing down but they no doubt blame me for the decision to keep them out of our home until they learn to behave, when DH and I decided together that it wasn't healthy for us to put up with disrespect every time they come to town.

I would just be completely dismissive of a comment like that. Say, "Whatever!", roll your eyes, and don't give it another thought.

I think that you took entirely appropriate action in keeping him away from your home. He has other family members to stay with, so it shouldn't be a big deal.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/01/2012 04:23PM by summer.

@#$%& I meant to say I am married to an EX-MO, not a never mo.

thanks summer.

From your description of them it sounds like you wouldn't expect anything less. Bravo for setting up some boundaries. Their comments are really just nasty defensiveness to excuse poor behavior. Addressing 2nd hand comments in a severely damaged relationship is probably a waste of time - you aren't going to like each other even if you clear the air on that issue.

I agree that ignoring such a moronic comment is no doubt the best policy...but if you absolutely can't resist, maybe something like "She's right. I chose not to have a sacred marriage because I don't want my husband to be screwing lots of other women for eternity" might shut her up.

I am impressed and glad to know people like you if its only through this forum anonforthisone.

It's not likely, but I hope your positive actions will have a positive effect in the long run. People like your FIL usually don't do any soul searching, but it could happen.

(Oh, like that would go over well.)

Stray Mutt Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> (Oh, like that would go over well.)


haha, that is actually pretty true. They are like most mormon couples I know, they don't really have much in common at all.

The comments by FIL and the inability to recognize the problem may be due to the beginning of Alzheimers. This is especially possible since it would appear to have been progressive rather than something always present. The feeling about marriage being expressed may be their awareness of declining health and the end of life approaching.

The tendency in TSCC to deprecate non-temple marriage as unsacred marriage is something we can all scream about. I have two daughters planning temple weddings soon and pray they wake up and see some real weddings before and perhaps get to compare them before they decide to go through the temple sealing. There is a real reason that TSCC does not want to endow young women until the time of their wedding because many would, if endowed long before and seeing real weddings, quit the dream they have been sold about temple weddings.

rhgc Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> The comments by FIL and the inability to recognize
> the problem may be due to the beginning of
> Alzheimers. This is especially possible since it
> would appear to have been progressive rather than
> something always present. The feeling about
> marriage being expressed may be their awareness of
> declining health and the end of life approaching.


Sorry if I gave that impression, but he has basically always acted like that (according to his kids and wife). I have no idea why everyone just puts up with it, but they do.

thank you cheryl and imaworkinonit. Your replies were really helpful to read.

They think mormon temple marriages are more sacred than any other kind.

The same goes for mormon prayers.

Mormon books and scripture.

Mormon music.

Mormon families.

Mormon traditional choices.

Mormon modesty.

Mormon goals.

Mormon doctrine.

We can't worry to much about mormons thinking they and everything they do and think is more sacred than us because that's the basic premise of their lives.

I finally learned that laughing and shrugging, rolling the eyes and smirking works. It shuts them up instantly. Wish I'd known that sooner. It would have saved years of hurt feelings -- mine.

Mormons are so dependent on everyone tip-toeing around and worrying about *their* easily hurt mormon feelings that everyone else can be marginalized if they don't learn to ignore, or speak out, or laugh out loud at mormons.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/01/2012 06:45PM by Cheryl.

but instead of "my dog is better than yours", it' "my marriage is better than yours".

He sounds really irritating.

I'm sure the rest of your family is secretly jealous that you decided to opt out of housing FIL.

Just keep in mind that it doesn't matter whether anyone agrees with the boundary you set. It's your right to decide what you will tolerate in your home.

I just realized your sister-in-law probably heard wrong.

Your MIL probably said that your marriage isn't as scarred as hers is ;)

I honestly wouldn't bother responding unless it escalates - they're angry you set a boundary, and they're trying to get a response to regain what they perceive as higher ground.

Seriously - who cares if your marriage is "sacred" according to someone else's standards via a religion you don't live anyway? Every couple's marriage is different.

I know it hurts - DH and I have received similar comments (mostly from now former friends). But try to let it roll off and dismiss it as a couple of people who honestly probably see a marriage that's stronger, happier, and more in-tune than theirs, and so they're lashing out when you're not putting up with their attempts to demean you.

If your SIL continues to spread the 2nd-hand gossip, then ask her to stop.

Sacredness of marriages, the "value" of a marriage, the love contained therein has nothing to do with big weddings or fancy buildings or location. It has to do with the life lived together after whatever ceremony made it official.

Petty thinking on his part. Tell him that. SHOW me how "sacred" your marriage is!

"That's an interesting theory, MIL. Maybe the problem is just that he's an asshole. Thanks for your always appreciated input. Tom Bodett's leavin the light on for ya down at the Motel 6."

Seems like every family has 1 or 2 who shoot off their mouths with no regard to consequences or feelings. There are 3 in mine. There have been several blowups over the years. So it's no surprise we aren't "close" anymore.

Tell her your marriage isn't sacred its secret...

At least my marriage is just between me and my spouse. Your marriage is just a practice run for celestial marriage when your current husband will have several wives. So enjoy your time now, you will be sharing him forever. Sound fun?

I'm in an extremely similar situation. If you haven't googled the books about toxic parents and in laws, you should. They are invaluable resources in dealing with toxic relatives. Can't recommend them enough

Congrats on setting boundries! Took me years to learn about the importance of having boundries and sticking to them. The act of saying "No" to your FIL, says volumes to your husband about the value of your marriage to him! The rest of the family is probably more upset because they have not set their own boundries and now have to deal with the consequences of their choices.

Good for you, anonforthisone! Keep setting your boundries, and sooner than later, the rest of the family will follow suit and either your FIL will keep his mouth shut like a grown up, or he will have to stay home cause no one will allow him to stay over night!

You are a strong person. I admire that.

Dearest TBM In Laws, I married your son...not you...you are guests in our home and should behave as such. If I hear of you bad mouthing our marriage again your visiting privileges will be revoked. Please pass the salt....

It's the only way they will get the message.

Alternatively, and perhaps more appropriately, your DH should say...

Mum, Dad, I'm married now and that means you have become extended family. If you don't butt out from commenting on how we choose to live our life and bad mouthing what you think of our marriage I will increase the extension. There is NO discussion about this. It's my way or you'll be out on the highway. Pass the pepper...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/03/2012 05:12AM by Stumbling.