Anyone ever received this scorching comment from your parents? I did. My oldest sister; the shinning perfect angel of the family because she just shuts up and does what she is told. Me; liberal, free spirited, liked to wear spikes and band t-shirts in my teens. Oh no... my parents didnt like that one bit. They wanted me to be a duplicate of my oldest sis.
I remember one time I wore safety pins as earrings (I know, kind stupid, but cool when I was 14) oh dear god, my dad treated me as if I killed a baby. He said, "WHY CANT YOU BE MORE LIKE (OLDEST SISTER)???" I know old sis was worried about this. She is a good person. She understands that I AM NOT HER, and she is not any better than me... however she is very obedient to my parents, so she sat there in silence and in deep thought. This comment hurts me to this day. I have never felt accepted by him or the church. They were always trying to make me be someone Im not. My middle sis is the one I can relate to the most. She is the most liberal in the family, but she is an amazing individual. She got the most heat from my parents because she refused to conform.
My parents are good people, and they have changed a lot, but I still feel compared to oldest sis. Anyone else feel compaired, or used to feel compared to your TBM siblings?
I admit it - I have a favorite child. I like all 4 of them - I enjoy all 4 of them. I love all 4 of them, but I do have a favorite.
That child has no idea. My other children have no idea. Even my wife has no idea. I work VERY hard to treat them all like my favorite. In my mind anything else is unconscionable.
I'm very sorry your parents aren't that way. Of course, I'm pretty aware I'm my Mom's favorite or 2nd favorite and that I'm down the list for my Dad without anyone ever saying anything too directly - you just click or don't sometimes and being a parent/child doesn't prevent that.
You may be right, no one can tell. BUT! You are the third person I've heard say this and it is sooooo obvious with the other people I know who their favorite child is. I wonder what your wife would say?
Why do you have a favorite child? It isn't a judgemental question, I'm just curious.
No, they probably did that to my sisters, comparing them to me. I was the youngest and saw how much crap they all got from trying to make their own choices. So I decided I was going to use all my best thespian skills to act like a good little Molly while I was living under my parents' roof, so I could at least be trusted to leave the house by myself sometimes.
I was the youngest of seven (two in his litter, five in hers), and all of the preceding six siblings raised far more hell than I did. So telling me to be like them would have been the last thing they wanted. I am still grateful to all of them for paving the way for my teenaged years to have been relatively hassle-free. Any infractions I committed paled in comparison to the trouble my older sisters had gotten up to.
Once, though, my stepmom told me that I was my dad's "last hope." Great. So if I don't stay in the church, then my dad will consider himself a failure as a human being and as a parent? Okay, so no pressure.
Believe me, it's pressure either way. If you are the most-favorite or the least-favorite, both suck. I think it's probably natural to have a favorite and I also think BC is right and wise to not ever let any of the children know that. My grandfather told me (he was starting to go all dementia on us) right before he died that I had always been "his favorite." I swore I'd never tell my sister or my cousins that. They didn't need to know they were sub-standard grandchildren in my grampa's mind.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/26/2012 02:34PM by dogzilla.
I am kind of worried that this has happened with my younger sister.
She is very accepting and open to all sorts of people. She also doesn't enjoy her singles ward and thinks all her friends that got married right out of HS and are working on having a bunch of kids while living in their in-laws basement are nuts. She is a lot like I was at that age and I have such hope for her.
But she is also my parents 'last hope' Her 2 older siblings are out, (although I'm still unclear on if our brother is in the 'I just don't like it but deep-down I may still believe camp) and she has always had a streak of stubbornness where she would do things that my brother and I wouldn't to make my parents proud.
I worry so much that she's sticking it out just to say 'Look mom and dad, I still go to church, I'm still good.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/26/2012 03:25PM by foggy.
Here's a fun list: Why can't you just ______ like your sister(s)/brother(s)?
Feel free to insert any of the following: go to seminary? go on a mission? get your eagle scout/ ( or for girls):second class citizen award/medallion? marry an apostles grandson/granddaughter? Suck up to the bishop? Be seen and not heard? Accept your "calling" in life? WTF???? etc.......
unconditional love? or love of individuality? CRICKETS.... Does. Not. Compute.
I recieved about younger siblings, but never directly. I would say sibling number x needs to loosen up...Dad's response maybe you could take a little more of the worry from sibling x...so on and so forth.
Though I do think it would be impossible for a parent to not have a favorite...the parent may care equally for all offspring, but some personallities mesh better than others.
Growing up, my parents constantly compared me to my older sister, and in their eyes I never measured up. It was always "Why can't you be more like [older sister]??!" "Why can't you do ________ as well as [older sister]?"
I also got it from my grandma, of course my older sister was her favorite too. She was always telling my sister how beautiful and smart and interesting she was, and always telling me how annoying and disappointing I was.
Parents Dont Relieze What They Say, Im Still a Kid and my mom Talks about my Older sister and whats going on in her life and in her relationships and hows her day, she doesnt talk to me, and my mom favors my older sister who is a middle child, because she has a hand default and she so proud of her drawling and grades, and my brother she is consumed in my brothers life, and im the youngest, so im Consistally being Critisized and put down, i PLay Trombone, I Get Straight A's, I Obey My Mom, But it Seems like The Trouble Makers in My Family Get More Attention, i Admit I Am The Forgotten Child, im not my Moms Favorite, thats My Older sister, and my dads favorite was my other older sister, and my brother is the only Boy so he gets Attention, im just another girl who is just doing stuff everyone else has already done.And My Mom Has Compared me To Her and Her Mom and My Sisters Saying - WHy Cant You BE Normal, Why Cant You Be Like Them!- It Gets A Bit To Much and i Break Down in My Room, I Hide It, Cause they Dont Let it Out, and My Mom wants ME Like Them- IM NOt Aloud To BE ME (=L)-+---<
If you feel that you can stand up for yourself in small ways (without being slapped or punished,) then I would try to do that. Some sample ideas:
"I'm sorry that you feel that way, but my teachers think I'm perfectly normal. I always get a lot of praise from them."
"Well, I'm not my older sister, I am a separate individual. You may not like me, but I like me."
"Is that criticism meant to be helpful? Because it's not."
Etc.
I say this because a constant message of "you're not okay" can really drag you down and hurt your self esteem, even if you know otherwise. You're at a vulnerable age, and I don't want to see this happen to you.
I was the first child - easily intimidated and usually quite obedient. Learning came easy to me and so I studied on through to uni - being "stubborn" for once in my life; for "a higher education is wasted on a girl".
Ever since my younger sis turned 16, left school and started earning some money things turned pretty grim for me. Not only did I hear "Why can't you be more like your sis" but they took it to the next level, refusing to feed me since I didn't chip in at home like my sis. So I got myself a job, worked all the hours I could get, still somehow got all my uni grades, and basically lived on snickers bars - which I had to hide b/c they would be stolen from me if found.
Last year, my youngest sis and I were talking about our childhood. She also had quite an easy time at school and the teachers wanted her to prepare for uni, as well. She never did, but left school to work at 16, like our other sis. Turns out that both my parents sat her down and convinced her not to go to uni, telling her she should "not make the same mistake as <me>."
Hearing that hurt - even after all those years. I've stopped trying to be a good girl and win my parent's love years ago. Conditional love is just not worth having.
When I was a very small girl, I witnessed my older (by 5years) sister get taken out to the vestibule at church for a spanking. I could hear her crying and wailing and saw her tear stained face when she and our dad returned. She'd be scowling at me because all I could do was stare at her, afraid I was next. I behaved in church the vast majority of the time because I didn't want a spanking. I know I got one sometimes. Recently, my sister and I were chatting about the old days. Our folks often asked her why she couldn't be more like me, because she could not spell like I could, I was better at this or that. Imagine getting compared to a much younger sister! I told her how horrified I'd been when she got in trouble at mass, certain I was next. And I had looked up to her and wanted to be like her. Funny the things you learn about siblings.
I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN COMPARED to my big brother. my brother always was in sports and had a job.i never did sports because i was never good at them. my grades where ok they where never bad. but every time i do something wrong my dad would say be more like my brother. my brother is amazing person he did tuns of sports was ok in school and is in the air-forces but all my parents talk about is my brother. i understand he been gone for like 7 months but they never ask me about my day they just want to talk about him. i miss him a lot don't get me wrong i just wish they would not compare me too him!:(
that is great that your parents have improved. But that comment had to hurt. even if your parents said their sorry, you can still replay it in your head for years to come and feel the hurt inside. I'm lucky, that is one thing my parents did right, was not compare me to other siblings.
Out of 7 kids, I'm my parents least favorite. It's ok. Out of all the parents I've had, I like them the least. So much in fact I haven't even had to talk to them for the last 10 years. It's been one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
Like walking out of a cesspool and taking a long hot shower.
Oh do I feel you on this one! This was a HUGE issue for me growing up - I still struggle with my anger about it to this day. My sister was very obedient, the perfect model student. And my father was very blatant about the fact that my sister was the favorite child of the family - he devoted more time to my sister than to anyone else in the family, my mother included. I also got the same comments from my teachers as well - I went to a small school and my sister was seen as the model student. So I would get these teachers and they would expect a mini-version of my sister, which made me furious. Unfortunately, growing up, my sister wasn't very nice about the whole matter, which just deepened the rift between us.
As you can tell, my family has a lot of issues. Which I am trying to work through but it is a painful process. I don't like spending time with my father (he was also pretty nasty when I left, which just exacerbated the already existing issues) and I struggle with spending time with my sister. I don't think the favoritism was any easier on her than me - my father attached a lot of conditions to his love and she is a pretty anxious personality - but it is still hard trying to heal from some of the crappy things she said to me when I was younger. And there is the whole faithful Mormon sister / apostate Mormon sister issue to work through, which also doesn't help matters any.
My sister (parents fav) ended up being my best friend. We became friends in our 30's. She hated being the favorite. One day my parents showed up at her new home to survey her unfinished basement. They announced that it would work out just fine for them in their retirement years.
She went nuts. She threw them out and told them to not return until they could mind their manners. That was 15 years ago. She realized she was their favorite because she was so compliant. She's been through a lot of therapy to overcome the door mat syndrome.
My parents go around telling the rest of the family that I have destroyed the family. That I turned my sister against them. None of which is true. My sis is very insulted by what they're saying. She's fed up with them treating her like she has no mind of her own, and can't make her own decisions.
I was the "sister" and I hated it. I continued to be a Molly Mormon for years thinking that I had to be to keep the family healthy and happy. The stress it put on me was awful and when I started to not believe I stayed in longer than I needed to. What was worse was that it affected my relationship with my siblings. It has taken years to make things better with them.
It feels like they want to turn their children against each other. If we don't play into the game, they get furious. I suppose its like calling them on it.
My mother has told my siblings a mountain of lies about me. They tell me what she says behind my back. Its pretty unbelievable stuff. My mother is one crazy unit. My sister has been a huge part of me being able to overcome the insanity. She didn't bask in being the favorite. Quite the opposite. She didn't want to live up to the expectations, and she wanted good relationships with her siblings. My mother did all she could to prevent that. My father has stood by and not said a thing. He could have put a stop to it years ago, but didn't. That makes him just as bad as my mother.
Comparing children is a quick way to get them to hate each other. This goes along with the competitiveness in the Mormon ranks.
I love Mia's response! Ha-ha-ha!
My mother used to compare me to my friend, who was 2 years older than I, so she was always more advanced. She was head cheerleader, homecoming queen, a performing singer, short and blonde.
I gave them Stray Mutt's answer: "I guess I just came from an inferior gene pool.
Our oldest brother was the favorite, and he was well established as the center of the universe, when the rest of us started to arrive 6 years later. This "golden boy" was pampered and spoiled, and taken care of all his life. He received the best education money could buy, a lavish wedding, two houses, several cars, full support for his two brats. He worked for about 5 years, but didn't like his job, so he went back to school to become that perpetual student. My parents felt sorry for him, because they thought he was perfect, yet no one would hire him. The truth was that he was an extreme racist (that showed up in the work force), had no respect for others, was phony and arrogant, and was a liar. Savvy job interviewers can pick up on those things. I and my other siblings disliked him so much, that probably we tried to be as unlike him as possible. Comparing always backfires.