Posted by:
toto
(
)
Date: July 11, 2012 12:07AM
I used to believe in God. Or a god. The god of my youth was kind, helpful, loving. Then I accepted a god who was more of a judgmental father figure, one whose guilt trips I accepted if I felt I did something wrong.
My childhood household had a lot of superstitious thinking. If we whistled at the table, something bad was going to happen. If a black cat crossed our path, something bad was going to happen. If we walked under a ladder, something bad was going to happen. I lived in fear. Fear of stepping on a crack, fear of singing before noon, fear of making the wrong move at the wrong time.
As I got older, those superstitions were enabled by a belief in a god who punished me for things I did wrong or things I tried to figure out that I did wrong to understand the punishment. But years later, I realized I wasn't doing anything bad at all. Just stupid things would happen, sometimes not even in line with anything that had preceded it. The god whose guilt trips I'd accepted I didn't like anymore. Also, praying to this image for wishes seemed childish to me. Although I understand and accept people who believe in this type of prayer, I don't personally believe it has any effect on whether or not my food will poison me or whether or not I'll live or die while traveling across town.
Suffering has also made it hard for me to believe in a god. I don't like giving god the credit for all that goes well and blame others when it doesn't. He's got an easy job: gets all the credit and takes none of the blame.
Do I think it's OK to believe? Yes. Even as agnostic as I was while my children were growing up, on their own they believed in angels and the power of prayer. I remember my daughter telling me about her belief in Santa then scolding, "And I don't want to hear anything else, Mom!" because she knew I felt differently about Santa's existence. So I let my children believe. We went to church, the Unitarian Church in Salt Lake, where they could learn about different belief systems, pray together, have a religious community, and a religious education.
But when they grew a little older they didn't want to go to church anymore and became self-proclaimed Housetarians (rhymes with Unitarians). They liked staying home on Sundays or skiing with me more than going to church.
They don't believe in a god anymore. Or angels. Or prayer. (Or Santa.) Without guilt-tripping rules from a god who likes to punish, but instead having a firm understanding of how to treat people humanely and sincerely, my kids are alright. Belief in a god wasn't necessary for them to achieve highly or love deeply. And that's OK.