http://mormonthink.com/QUOTES/masturbation.htm
Look down a little on the page and you will see the list of 8 things.

I think my favorites may be 3 and 4. Seriously, are these guys trying to screw people up?

The complete article is even worse.

He even says that if you masturbate you can't be friends with someone else with the "same weakness".

There would be a lot more lonely people in the world if we all followed that advice...

Yup that is the 3 I was talking about.

Oops - you are right.

I was trying to find a link to the full thing somewhere but didn't find it yet.

There is also the suggestion to tie your hand to the bed frame...

I had the full one, but the link was restricted for some reason. Tie your hand to the bed post? Isn't that just asking for someone else to...oh nevermind..

I overcame masturbation but seem to have developed an S&M fetish...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/10/2012 05:43PM by bc.

Bingo :)

I like #1. Normal toilet procedures?

No extra fondling...

Maybe it's the pilot in me, but I want to see the Abnormal Toilet Procedures Checklist.

Hahaha that would be interesting.

and nothing more or else you have to talk with the BP.

Yes, they are, and sadly, they are successful. I know, I'm one of those screwed up people.

I have never been sexually stimulated by looking at myself in the mirror, and have never inquired as to my friend's sexual habits. Looks like we may have found one of Spencer W. Kimball's mutual masturbation partners.

#5 is my favorite. I'm surprised the morg didn't develop and anti-masturbation suit complete with padlocks.

And is #6 the reason why there are so many tubby mormons out there?

Seriously, if you have to go through all these steps to avoid it, doesn't that tell us something?

Step #9 -- if all else fails, rub one out and pray for forgiveness.

#5 was my favorite too. You would have to go to bed like the kid in the snow suit from The Christmas Story. All the steps just had me cracking up.

“Masturbation is a sinful habit that robs one of the Spirit and creates guilt and emotional stress."

This should read, Masturbation is a gift from God to the church because it allows the church to make you feel guilty and emotionally stressed.


" It is not physically harmful unless practiced in the extreme."
This is the part where Mark E. shows that he has a sense of humor. When you read the whole thing, my jaw drops that he added that sentence. It is seriously funny.

He forgot # 9 Always make sure the door is closed.

And #10, Don't moan out loud.

"Don't moan out loud."
Hahahahahaha

#11 Keep the Kleenex by the bed. If you're already creating guilt and emotional stress, don't add a wet comforter into the mix.

#12

Hurry and finish, then you won't be tempted until you get horny again.

#13

Post a picture of Mark E Peterson anywhere you might consider masturbating.

No matter what your sex or sexually orientation all desire will immediately go away.

Or worse Monson (shudder)

I think Monson's dentures are kinda cute...

All this time I thought the reason we were instructed to hang pictures of the prophet up in your homes was indoctrination - it's really to keep the women of the church worthy...

Yes that is the truth. You would have to be blind to get off to Monson... Ick..

"overcoming" masturbation? Is that when you miss the sink and hit the mirror?

OMFG! I just spit out my wine!

That was my response to Richard the Bad. Hitting the mirror! Holy crap!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/10/2012 07:23PM by Chucky Jesus.

OK, I have to add to #6. If you get up to make a midnight snack to stop the temptation, for God's sake don't make a hot dog and stay out of the pickle jar.

You should probably stay away from the Popsicles and cucumbers too..

And if you're going to have a hot dog, don't look at for too long. Just eat it quickly and forget that you ever saw it. And if you put mustard on it, don't use a squeeze bottle that spurts the mustard onto the wiener -- always use a spoon! Hey, you could write a whole book about this stuff.

They basically gave written instructions to every teenager out there on how/when to get the job done!

I remember when my kids brought that little pamphlet home that had this crap printed on it. I couldn't quit laughing. I would tease my kids by telling them needed to go to their room and read that. They thought it was pretty funny too. That was never taken seriously around our house.

Then they told the kids to always carry that pamphlet around with them incase they had temptations they could read that and overcome temptations. How dumb can someone be? Really? That sounds like a great SNL skit.

just OMGawds

Oh and Fidget, you are a bad one! Naughty. I like you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/10/2012 06:07PM by mindlight.

Bahahaha thanks mindlight :)

Man that is Whacked!!

#17 - Don't stay in a Marriott Hotel, they have porn!

Omg, what a crock!!! Nobody feels guilty for masturbation until they are told to feel guilty. Utter mind control. As a teen, I felt awful!!! I didn't get suicidal thoughts but I felt immense guilt like a ton of bricks on my chest. I resent it and I curse the church for that. I curse all church leaders who propagated that lie to make me feel such indescribable torment. If I wasn't passed the statute of limitations I'd consider suing for permanent emotional damage that I still feel to this day.

Exactly!!!!!

fidget Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> http://mormonthink.com/QUOTES/masturbation.htm

> I think my favorites may be 3 and 4. Seriously,
> are these guys trying to screw people up?

yes! yes, they are! & I think that John Henry SMith may have been even worse than Mark E. for Ever obsessed with Masturbation Peterson, and THAT is pretty bad.

Ever wonder where some of the insane concepts of MORmONISM come from? watch past the 3 min mark. John Henry SMith explains.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYsi-r1amY0

Beware the trouser cobra, young braves. For it might spit at thee if mishandled. Not one, nor three, but two shakes should do.