I was in a codependent relationship with an abusive woman. Things got physical and, while neither of us acted right, she was the violent aggressor (who has been taken to court by past gfs as well). It was one of those can't live without you, passionate, destructive relationships and, with her excessive drinking and past drug problems, it got way out of hand. I do not have problems with substance abuse or violence but am dealing with my own issues through a support group for codependents/enablers.

I am starting to date again and am with a very nice woman who is trustworthy, gentle, educated, hardworking, all the things my ex wasn't. I'm not bored, but sometimes i find myself missing her. I know she is destructive and I would never go back, and I don't have or want any contact with her. But why would I have these feelings? Is that normal, to miss the over the top passion, the professions of love and needing me and not being able to be without me, the soulmate stuff, etc.? I expected that once I realized how kind and calm other people could be, I would not miss her, but it is worse now than when I was single. Has anyone been through this? Do you have any thoughts on why this could be?

Just a thought because you asked. Do you come from a childhood of emotional or physical abuse?

In my case I was counseled that perhaps I was use to ... a certain degree of volatility in my life and that I was simply comfortable with it on some level. That helped me try to untwist it. To realize I deserved better ... it still remains a problem but I am more aware of it now. My standard of what is acceptable has changed. Knowledge of Co-dependancy also helped.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/10/2012 10:04AM by mindlight.

I think mindlight has something here. Even though it was a twisted relationship, you were used to it. You have to reprogram what a normal relationship is in your mind.

I think it's normal to miss aspects of a former relationship. It's also normal for an abuser to have good and bad days. In fact, abusers often "make up" for their abuse by over compensating on those good days. If you were raised in the church, there is where you need to put your critical thinking hat on, and allow logic to supercede your emotions. If your ultimate goal is to be happy in life on a consistent everyday basis, you should probably be in a relationship that is non-abusive everyday.

Here are some charts about the cycle of DV :

http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=cycle+of+domestic+violence&qpvt=cycle+of+domestic+violence&FORM=IGRE

Sometimes people who have become accustomed to abusive behavior from their partners (often this stems from having been acclimated to abuse earlier in life) will continue to seek out abusive behavior, even when they become consciously aware that this is what they are doing.

I actually had an epiphany the other day that I had become so used to being bullied and dismissed that I had married a dismissive bully. My parents are the definition of dismissive parents and I was bullied mercilessly throughout middle school and high school, to the point of causing self harm. So I had adapted so well to being treated this way that I stayed with someone who treated me this way as well.

The best thing you can do is find a qualified therapist to help you explore why you were with your ex (and I mean *really* why, not superficial stuff) and explore the reasons behind why you would wish for someone who hurts you. It's important to become conscious of these feelings, learn to recognize them and how to address them in a healthy way. Message boards can only do so much!

It's a very common problem in codependent relationships. Usually the major issue is that you seek out the destructive relationship subconsciously in the first place, no? I'd always understood that was one of the major characteristics, and thus, a normal, healthy relationship isn't satisfying that itch. Probably professional therapy is needed and you may have more issues underneath that need to be addressed first. I'm really sorry :(

:( I'm sorry.

In the past year an ex of mine and I broke up. She never hit me, but was verbally abusive and constantly worked to tear me down. It was a 24/7 battle she had with my self-esteem. The weird thing was that while I had never been with someone like that, I started to feel comfortable with it.

After we broke it off it took me way too long to get over her. I think it was because of how she treated me.

That's my story at least. I personally never want to go back to anything like that even when I do miss her sometimes.

My daughter was in an abusive relationship. After she finally left him, for her own physical and mental safety, it took nearly a year for her to leave the relationship behind emotionally. She would tell me that she knew it was a poisonous relationship, and that she would never go back to him, but that she still missed him and longed for him at times.

I don't know how long ago your relationship ended, but don't let yourself be sucked back into it or into another similar relationship. Eventually it goes away.

Anagrammy probably will say this far better than I can, but in order to develop the self-esteem to realize that you and all people deserve to be treated well, you will have to learn to be your own best friend and take care of yourself first. Practice treating yourself the way you deserve to be treated by everyone. Gradually the tolerance for ill treatment will subside. But the process begins with you.

Getting out of codependence is an arduous process. The domestic violence cycle has its good moments. All of the stages, good and bad, are moments of manipulation. That realization can also be a key to liberation.

You were groomed by an abuser who slowly escalated the violence. Someone whose repeated behavior signals that she knows what she is doing.

Perhaps you are not ready yet to be treated well and that is why the prospect of a potentially healthy relationship has you yearning for the drama of domestic violence. An interval of self-care, of journaling, of recovering your full being, may be necessary.

"They sicken of the calm who only know the storm."

One thing that really surprised me in my inward journey to (finally) get to know myself was how resistant I was to actually spending money or time on setting up something for "just me."

It was quite the aha moment because I will spare no expense of time, etc, for my children. I set up treasure hunts, expeditions and adventures of all kinds for them to be exposed to stimulation of their imagination.

And I balked at even buying myself a set of pencils.

It was my very first realization that underneath my certainty of my superiority, underneath the narcissistic belief that I was doing everything "right" was the truth. I believed I was not OK and needed to compensate for that by going 110% for everyone else.

Loving the world starts with you. You are part of creation and you are unique. Find out why.

Anagrammy



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/11/2012 12:37AM by anagrammy.

The abusive relationship was exciting, and I don't mean the abuse itself, but rather the energy and passion. You liked that, but it is over-the-top DRAMA and very self-destructive.

You've got to realize you're 50% of the problem in an abusive relationship. No one with self-respect and self-esteem allows anything past the first time to happen. They're out the door, calling the cops, getting restraining orders, etc.

People that get into an abusive dynamic are both playing their parts in the drama. Just leaving the abuser isn't enough. You need to find out why you crave the over-the-top drama, and why you are attracted to self-destructive behaviors.

I highly recommend seeing a therapist.

I also recommend seeing a therapist as getting therapy helped me deal with why I ended up with my ex-husband and even stayed with him when I first saw his true nature. After years of therapy, I was able to get into a healthy relationship with someone who treats me far better than my ex ever did.

My first husband was- with 20/20 hindsight- scary abusive.

I think some of what we were taught in the church was to fix people with the gospel. And we were groomed to codependently seek ego gratification through proving ourselves able to change others. So we look past who someone is and envision who we want them to be. Reality we don't have the powers to change others we have to accept them as they are.... even if that means accepting them as toxic or even dangerous.

It took me a while to see this and I adopted the term of being in love with a ghost. I heard this line in an Indigo Girls song and thats how I applied it. I was not so much in love with my first husband as much as I was in love with who he had the potential to be after my powerful influence.

It helped me let go of regret about the relationship and look forward to new opportunity.