Anybody have some funny home teaching stories? Here's mine.

I was a "forced" mormon, meaning I was born into the covenant, but went kicking and screaming to church every single Sunday. Hated it. I used to ditch "primary" when it was still on Thursdays as a separate meeting. I was horrified when my mom made me go home teaching because I hated the guy I went with and I never had anything to say anyway. I had already fornicated and began drinking (still did some dead dunking, though that's another story) by the time I was 17, so I wanted nothing to do with home teaching.

I still lived under my parent's roof so I had to conform somewhat, so as a compromise I agreed to go as long as Brother numbnuts would drop me off at the dance club (Sunday night was teen night) afterwards. This was the 80's so I would go home teaching with my mullet tightly hair-sprayed,my shirt buttoned to the top and the pants unrolled. However, I could make a quick transition to the club scene by taking the shirt down a few buttons and "tight-rolling" my pants (an 80's fashion staple) before I got in the door.

I always wondered what Brother Greasy Beard thought of that. Let's hear your stories.

The best one I have is when I was in the Marines. Me and a buddy were the only 2 active single Marines in the ward. The bishop handed us our home teaching list and there were 70 something names of inactive single Marines and told us, "See what you can do." We were pretty dedicated. Tried to visit them. Most were cool, some hid, one guy invited us back a couple times.

Fast forward nine months to a totally different country. I'd been out of the church for about 3 months, and I'd helped my buddy out too(he was never very believing anyway.) We were in the Enlisted Men's Club on Camp Hansen in Okinawa Japan. We'd just taken a shot and both had beers in our hands. That is when we got tapped on the shoulder by another Marine. We turned around to a face that was vaguely familiar and the guy said, "Hey! Aren't you guys my home teachers!?"

Laughed our asses off! Then we all took a shot together.

with my AP advisor. We taught this couple who lived across the street from another morgbot couple. The "sister" that we home taught had an affair with the "brother" across the street, who had flaming thick red hair. She had gotten pregnant, and the baby in turn had flaming thick red hair. She sat holding the baby when we arrived. Anyway, the father ask me to say the closing prayer. I said the bestus one I could, asking the Lard to pour out his blessings on the family, calling them by name. When we got to the car, my advisor started laughing his ass off. I said, "wazzup, why are you laughing?" He said, you call the family by the wrong name in your prayer. You said the name of the brother she had the affair with.

They didn't ask me to pray anymore in their home. Go figure.

My husband HT a guy that had a cat he hated. Apparently the cat would climb all over him. He's very allergic to cats.

He bought one of those high pitched beepers that people can't hear. He'd put it in his pocket, and buzz the cat when it came near him. The cat would freak out and run around the room knocking stuff over. The owner was so confused. He couldn't figure out why his cat went crazy every time my husband walked through the door. We still laugh about that one.

Those are funny. I remember the dread of having to sit there as a 17 year old with no testimony and talk to 50 year old guys who hadn't been active in the church for years. What a waste of everybody's time.

I had an older comp that was a water witch. I remember a couple of times being with him when he was asked to divine a good digging spot for a member’s well. I thought it was very weird then (put it seemed to work). Now that I know the truth, he was a lot like JS.

I once went to a gay cruising place, and my HT was there. I have also met students I had at institute in similar situations. I am totally out now, and find it interesting the excuses they give for being there.

nomo moses - That's a great one. I would love to see that captured on film and the awkwardness that ensued.

I'm surprised to hear that "praying" about your homosexuality didn't cure it. It seems like that's the advice that's always given.

For me, more than just praying about it, but after my "love court" I was sent to therapy. All that did was teach me to hate myself and lie to the bishop. I also ended up in an institute, which actually helped me get some real therapy.

I'm glad I never had to go to "love court". I lied in my interview for "dead dunking" and proceeded to go through with it. I didn't want to talk to my parents about fornicating at age 17, too much hassle. Plus, I didn't believe in any of it. By doing this I actually spared those dead people the indignity of being baptized against their will (assuming the baptism wasn't "legal" because of my lie). In the end, it was a noble thing.

Glad to hear you got help.

Not funny at the time, but the last HT companion I had prior to leaving on my mission started going out with my girlfriend behind my back. It did get me some minor notoriety in my MTC group when I got the first Dear John about 2 weeks in.

I really should hunt that guy down and thank him profusely for taking that anchor off my hands. If I'd married that woman right off my mission, I'd have been stuck in the church much longer; he probably saved me 20 years of church slavery.

yes,you should thank him. Without a doubt. First, though, kick him in the balls out of principle.

haha ctr ring.. I love your name!! Never did wear those cheap ugly things!
I have to put my 2 cents in. Never went HT since I am a sista. But I did have some horrifying VT visits...just sat there like a stump while the other 2 gossiped about everyone.Anyway ditching church..brought back memories. My boyfriend and I would ditch sunday school and go make out like crazy at his grandmas house while she was at church...haha now he is a stake pres or something..giggle giggle...

Exactly! My first VT companion in a family ward after I was married was also relatively young and one of the girls we visited was also our age, but the two of them just sat there and gosspied the entire time. More recently, even though my vt partner is great, the lady we went to and she had been alternating visiting teacher/teachee off and on for the past 20 some years. We'd go visit her and the pair would talk to each other about their diabetes and I just got to sit there like an idiot or try to turn the conversation around like an even bigger idiot.

alltoofamiliar - Good for you! I never wore one either, but my sister did and it always turned her finger green. I would have been horrified to try and explain to the "normal" kids at school what the ring was. I grew up in Colorado, so there were maybe 3 or 4 mormon kids at a school of 2,000.

For what it's worth, the higher end ones, ya know, that are actually sterling silver, are usually fine. It's the little cheapy painted copper adjustable ones that are horrible.

Went to an apartment one night to visit a young couple....who just happened to be splitting up that very night....so it was tense, and my stupid geezer companion wasn't bright enough to recognize what was happening and excuse ourselves.....not funny...just kinda bizarre...

I have a doozy. But it's one that I can never share. Ever. EVER. So I'll be a dick and just post that.

Honestly, a lot of the ones above were probably better. I especially liked nomo moses'. And alltoofamiliar--naughty naughty.

flyboy21 Wrote:
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> I have a doozy. But it's one that I can never
> share. Ever. EVER. So I'll be a dick and just
> post that.
>
> Honestly, a lot of the ones above were probably
> better. I especially liked nomo moses'. And
> alltoofamiliar--naughty naughty.

That is being a dick. It is an anonymous board.

Well, mostly anyway. ;)

Yeah, what she said. :-p

Wasn't trying to be offensive or mean you any disrespect.

flyboy21 Wrote:
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> Yeah, what she said. :-p
>
> Wasn't trying to be offensive or mean you any
> disrespect.


I did not take it as any disrespect, I just was getting a visual in my head of the 70's funk bass music played in Color Climax Swedish movies with a couple of home teachers walking up to the front door of a lonely housewife.

Haaaaaaa... well in that case...

Yes, it is a naughty story. Give Up the Funk by Parliament may have been playing. My home teaching companion was a developmentally disabled cowboy kid with a penchant for being inappropriate. We had an apartment with two smokin hot roommates, one who was active and one who was quasi-active. The active one was in my exit story (and later became my gf). Let your mind wander from there... ;)

I think the EQP must have been really out of it when he made home teaching assignments for my mom just as I was graduating high school and moving out. They assigned an elderly pair of men to her, and they were a good match in that they all enjoyed talking about random things, but they were both very hard of hearing and never heard most of what she said. One even fell asleep a lot. Yeah, I mentioned it to a friend/mentor in the ward and she talked to the EQP for us and they assigned her/us a married couple instead. Thank goodness!

flyboy - where's the link to your exit story? I want to read it.

Suuuuure.

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?3,511751

Still need to edit it. I make a LOT of errors on the iPad, but enjoy. It's long. It goes back and forth a lot because I went back and forth a lot. The girl named Brittany from Alaska is the one in the HT episode.

for whom you're a pilot now (if you don't mind saying) because I might have flown with you if you're with an airline?

I never give out explicit details on here (don't need any hassles), but if you work for Jerry out west, then there's a very good chance you have, depending on your domicile. I've yet to fly any non-local out of domicile trips and I'm still pretty new at the company (although I'm 2100 TT and flew turbines for five years before coming here).

THis was in a student ward at the University of Utah-the other school. One time, my HT comp & I visited a couple of single sisters and one of them had hickeys all over her neck. My comp actually had the nerve to ask, "So, do you have a new boyfriend?" She was so-o embarrassed!

Well, that's the whole point of having hickeys, right, that they leave marks to the world that she's taken? :D

I went VT. My companion and I VT'd a married college student whose husband was in professional school.

He said Hello to us on the way off to class and we sat on the couch. Soon as he was gone my companion asks our sister "What happened to your son's dick??"
"Oh he was born that way, he's just like his father!"
And they proceeded to discuss the anomaly of a totally retractable dick! My companion had baby sat for them and so discovered one of those little known quirks of nature.

I couldn't look the father of the little tyke in the face for months without feeling my face turning pink!

flyboy-great story, very open and honest, and interesting, especially about telling the leadership what they want to hear.

Anon-It would be difficult not to ask the guy a "vague" question about it.

I went HT with my DH to a pot smoker's apartment (and not just any pothead - he was at the time the head of a group trying to get it legalized and had flyers etc.). Anyway, this 30 year old dope was stoned, in the apartment with his live-in 16 year old girlfriend. Yeah, we felt very uncomfortable. There's not much that will get through to someone who is stoned.

Ah, you gotta love the situations the church has totally unprepared, inexperienced, naive people walking into, at their own risk. NOT.

I'm a chick, so I have VT stories...

The first time I ever saw porn was on a VT visit. My partner and I were assigned to the wife in a new member couple. They were in their 60s and had joined in order to get food orders and help with rent. (They admitted this to us.) Anyway, on our second visit to the wife, we arrived at the appointed time. The husband answered the door, sat us down on the couch, and watched our reaction as he turned the TV on to reveal some hardcore action going on. It was quite a revelation to my TBM mind...the five seconds I saw, that is. We were out of there like a shot, with the husband laughing uproariously behind us.

It's funny now, but at the time my partner and I--both major TBMs--were seriously traumatized. I cried and cried because I felt like I had done something wrong.

I was exposed once to a HT session when I was staying with friends of mine in Utah. It was around Thanksgiving. They asked me what Jews thought about Christmas.

They'll never ask that question again (after a 100 minute lesson).