Back in the 70's, it was cool to wear wigs, even if one's own hair was very beautiful. It was mostly cool because you did not need to take the time to wash your hair before church, just pincurl it up tight to your head and slap a wig on.

Once in Sacrament meeting my 2 year old started screaming and then reached up and pulled my wig off. OMG! What to do? I ducked my head down as low as I could, head between my legs, and quickly decided I had 3 options. I could slap it back on and hope it landed squarely, I could sit up without it on for the remainder of the meeting and pretend I hadn't noticed it even happened, or I could get up and walk bravely out and then fix my hair again in the bathroom. After what seemed a long time I decided on option 3.

I pulled it off without even a smile, and looked at NO one as I exited. I can just imagine what people were thinking! They probably pitied me. I went straight to the restroom, nearly died when I looked in the mirror,fixed my wig atop my head perfectly and headed right back in and sat down. No one to this day has ever mentioned it to me, but it still makes me cringe a bit, but then mostly laugh, it was so very long ago.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 12/13/2010 07:33PM by think4u.

This was also in the early 70's, and he was also about 2. He reached up and pulled it right off the lady in the row in front of us.

Family hasn't talked about that for a couple of decades, I'll have to remind them.

Some opened Sacrament Meeting with a prayer to "Bless us on this Super Bowl Sunday". I couldn't help but laugh.

during Sacrament meeting.

We were sitting right in the middle of the congregation. She was sitting on my lap, facing me. You guess it. It all just came out, all over the front of me and her.

I told her it was ok, grabbed the front of the skirt I was wearing, pulled it over her keeping the 'goods' contained, stood up still holding her with my skirt blanketing her, and quietly walked down the aisle to the restroom.

I wish my slip had been longer.

My sons all thought it was too funny. My husband was bishop at the time and sitting on the stand.

Is your DH still TB? Or who left first? Or was their a divorce. I am especially curious as he was a bishop.

Somebody needs to tell the self-stick sanitary pad story.

PLEASE TELL- I NEED SOME LAUGHS TONIGHT!!!

The Mr. Kotex Head Story
02/04/2010 - by annonn from Recovery from Mormonism

It was High Council Sunday, which, in and of itself was bad enough, but to walk in and see Brother X, the reigning a$$hole of the entire stake if not the entire region, was to know that the meeting would ruin the entire day for everyone present. This guy was so bad that people who were in the know on such things as high council visitation schedules would visit relatives out of town or find reasons to attend other wards when he was scheduled to speak.

The problem there was that such things were often subject to change with vert little notice, so you'd get there and see him, and you'd be stuck. Besides, my dad was either the bishop or in the pric for a large part of my childhood, so we couldn't be skipping off every time Brother X appeared. Theoretically twelve H. C.'s should equal one official visit per year plus ward conference from the guy, but he always seemed to end up with us more often. Just the luck of the draw, I guess.

The man was a composite of the worst qualities of Thoms S Monson, Boyd K Packer, and Richard G Scott, or whatever his middle initial is. Brother X thought so highly of himself that he couldn't quite fathom why he hadn't been translated into a celestial being, or at the very least, sucked up into the great body of G.A.'s.

He once made an allusion to his calling and election having been made sure (is that called the second annointment?) though not in so many words. I didn't know they did that with regular people. I always thought you had to at least be in a temple presidency or something to achieve that status.

But I digress.

Anyway, it was h. c. Sunday, and I walked in to see him on the stand with what was then his entire family. My friend and I think there were six children at that point. The kids ranged from just a few months to almost two to almost three, to twin four-year-olds and a five -year-old, or pretty close to that.

The mother spoke first while the dad struggled with all the kids. In a normal situation, someone else might have helped the guy out while his wife spoke, but he was such a consummate a$$hole that even the righteous among us probably enjoyed seeing him squirm. Then the mother finished her talk, which absolutely no one heard enough to make any sense of because of the ruckus going on behind her, and she took the twin four-year-olds and the five-year-old to stand near the piano to sing for us while she accompanied them.

I think they sang "I Am a Child of God" and that one about "I love brother, he loves me, etc., etc,. we are a happy family." It was actually pretty funny because they were practically killing each other the whole time their mother spoke, and they were still poking and elbow-jabbing through the songs.

While they were singing, Brother X was dealing with the newborn, the less-than-two-year-old, and the almost three-year-old, who I would be able to say with certainty was the literal spawn of Satan and not the child of Brother X except for the fact that he looked so much like a miniature clone of Brother X.

At one point when Brother X was trying to stifle the next-to-youngest's screams, the figurative spawn of Satan reached into the diaper bag and pulled out a Kotex. He peeled off the strip covering the sticky part, then stuck it to his father's head. Brother X must have thought that his little angel was just patting him on the head, or else he was too preoccupied to notice.

So Brother X unknowingly had a Kotex stuck firmly to the top of his head, almost like a Mohawk haircut. The wife and older kids finished their World Wrestling Federation version of their unmusical number, and she rushed over to grab the baby with one hand and very deftly grab both of the younger brats plus the diaper bag with her other hand. She dragged them all off to a cry room or somewhere like that. Because she was flustered, or for whatever reason, she didn't even look at Brother X.

So Brother X got up and began his talk with a typically lame joke I can't begin to recall, but everybody laughed like he was John Stewart or Stephen Colbert. He was quite proud of the response, and improvised with a few more jokes. I don't think he noticed that no one was waiting for the punchlines of his jokes before they started laughing.

By this point, his older three kids were running around the chapel creating all sorts of havoc, which was the least of anyone's concern until one of them started banging on the piano; the ward clerk grabbed that kid and refused to let go. The kid cried for a few minutes, but eventually settled down. I suspect the attendance count was off that week.

A couple of other Good Samaritans grabbed the other two remaining brats and settled them similarly, which left us all free to focus on Brother X and his innovative headgear.

Then Brother X got to the point of his talk, which I didn't get then and certainly don't know now. At first people tried to stifle their laughter, but it became a lost cause. The bishop was trying to give stern looks, but even he was losing it.

Brother X finally concluded his remarks (he was known for his long-windedness, but this time we didn't really care because he had already cut into five minutes of Sunday School time, and what we had just witnessed was funnier than anything we could have seen on TV at the same time, even if we'd had cable, which hadn't yet reached our neck of the woods.

So Brother X sat down, not quite sure what was so funny in the serious part of his remarks, but convinced that he was the white version of Eddie Murphy and was probably seriously contemplating giving up his day job as an insurance salesman. As the intro to the closing song began, the wife returned with the three youngest offspring more or less under control. The ward clerk and remaining Good Samaritans returned their prisoners to the parents.

Then Sister X took one look at her hubby and turned ghostly white. While holding the baby, she tried to reach across a few kids to carefully dislodge the Kotex from his head. It turned out that there was a reason she was trying to be careful in removing it. One of the twins decided to help out by yanking the Kotex off; it came off, along with Brother X's toupee. So the kid handed Brother X his toupee with a Kotex stuck firmly to the center. (If I'd known then what I now know, I might have suggested that it should be the new style of temple headwear.)

The look on Brother X's face more than made up for all my years of tedium in sitting through church meetings.

Word travels fast (and this was before the Internet), and from that moment on, Brother X was known throughout the stake as "Kotex Head." He has to be getting up there in years by now, and the kids who are now calling him that behind his back weren't even alive when the incident occurred, but the name sticks just like the Kotex did.

salamandersociety.com

LOL hear, hahahahahahaha. Thanks for sharing. That is a classic!

the little girl in front of me was squirming around in her overflow folding chair. Suddenly she fell and hurt herself and loudly exclaimed amid her cries, "I HATE Jesus."

Reminds me when my 4 year old brother yelled out the F-bomb during SM!

LOL That's funny.

The incident which sticks out in my mind happened during Fasting Testimony Meeting.

Some guy got up there and talked about how he was going to be more worthy, so he could date the gals in the Ward. He announced to the entire ward that he knew he wasn't worthy, because he masturbated.

Some people about fell off their seats.

He probably wanted to demonstrate his 'affliction' for all to see...

I would have been on the floor! I mean that is hilarious! Thanks!!

We had a guy stand up and say that Mormon wardhouses were more beautiful that the great cathedrals of Europe. Whatever?To each his own, I guess.

The funniest thing: The bishop called me into his office in the 70's, and told me I couldn't get my temple recommend renewed if I'd had oral sex.

oh, another one. One of our church gynocologists was on the dry council, and was speaking that day, so his wife and 8 children were sitting on the 2nd row. Heather, the three year old, kept fidgiting over and over and over. He whispered to her, "Heather, what's wrong?" And as loud as I've ever heard in church, she replied: "My vagina itches."

By the time I was a teenager, I knew I was done with this church. My parents still forced me to go until one fast and testimony meeting. Someone got up and started bearing his testimony. He was sobbing and snotting all over the place, talking about how true the church was. I couldn't help it. I burst into a hysterical giggling fit. Everyone in the congregation was staring at me, including the guy bearing his testimony. It only made me laugh harder. After that, my parents allowed me to just sit in the foyer for three hours until it was time to go home.

One of our very inactive neighbors went to church for a family occasion. As he was leaving, he forgot where he was and lit a cigarette on the front steps of the church building.I thought his poor grand daughter was going to die of embarrassment

My BIL told me about a guy in his singles ward that was so nervous about giving a talk, that he fainted at the pulpit. To hear him tell the story is hilarious, as he adds the sound effect of his forehead hitting the microphone, dead center, as he passes out.

I can think of a couple things.
--When a little boy, probably 18 months old, ran up the aisle, stopped, and shook a little turd out of his pant leg.

--The time the bishop's five year-old daughter bore her testimony and said, "We're trying hard not to say the f-word or the s-word in our house, but even Dad says them." Then the bishop got up and explained that the f-word was "fart" and the s-word was "shut up."

Cracking up on line here, Fart and shut up- now that was quick thinking! I like the turd in the pants too! And the dude lighting up on the church steps. These stories are great! Oh, and the I hate Jesus story, classic!


Reminds me of one Col. Moroni told me a while back- when his kids were little one of his young daughters was sitting on his knee in end of a pew where the bishop stood in the aisle talking with him and his then wife before the meeting began. The little girl kept pulling at his sleeve, until he finally called her by name and asked, "What is it?" She blurts out, "We don't say God Damnit in our house bishop!". He nearly died.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/14/2010 09:43AM by think4u.

I've had several, but I'll share two.

Someone above said something about snotting all over the place--I had some friends I met here in Utah who moved to the Seattle area. At the time, I was trying to be the perfect mormon, so the husband took me to the local ward (he was Catholic) to F&T meeting in a ward I'd never attended. The second guy who got up was talking about someone he was befriending and he started to cry and then he snorted REALLY LOUD into the microphone. And we burst into laughter and had a hard time holding it back the entire meeting. We got out of there as fast as we could afterwards.

Then my older sister has several grandchildren--none of whom go to church, so she takes them. "Maddie" LOVES animals. Someone had a service dog in training at church with them on the row in front of them--they were sitting on the chairs at the back. She was only about 3 or 4 and she crawled over to the dog and was trying to pet it before my sister realized what was happening. She grabbed Maddie and pulled her back to where she was sitting and Maddie grabbed the leg of a chair someone was sitting on--and together they dragged that person and their chair a few feet. It made a lot of noise with Maddie screaming that she wanted to pet the dog.

Maddie is also the one who asked in primary if Jesus was there. It confused the primary president as to what she meant. The PP kept saying, "We can feel his spirit . . . " and Maddie said, "NO, I MEAN is Jesus here RIGHT NOW so I can see him!"

I've read the KotexToupee one before, and it's great (I feel sorry for the fellow though, despite it all).

The little girl hating Jesus, the f-- and s--- word, the itching vagina . . . those are hilarious.

My family lived in a ward once that included families named Butt, Keister, and Duff. Every time any of them got up to do anything in sacrament meeting we were all hugely and silently amused, including my parents. Then in the car we'd go on and on about it. I can't remember what we said about them that entertained us so. Everyone else had lived there all their lives (or most everyone).

"butt, keister and duff"... That's the greatest satirical name for a law firm ever.

Here's another one about a toddler: The Sunday before Christmas, someone gave some homemade banana bread to the SS teacher as a gift, and some toddler went up to the table and started to walk off with that bread. The teacher thought it was funny as well as the rest of us.

At the front of the chapel half of the space was for the Ward Choir, and there was a stairway along the wall that provided access to the choir seats. The Deacon who was serving sacrament to the choir tripped while walking down those stairs and fell head first, flat on his (ample) belly. He didn't get hurt. It was sure hard to keep from laughing out loud at his clumsiness.

I remember one time when my son, who was about 3 at the time, walked up to the light switch during sacrament meeting and turned all the lights off. One of the other members thought it was funny, but at the time, I didn't.

...and conducting sacrament.
Acknowledged the presiding officer, the chorister, and the organist Brother Talent. I hear snickering and look over to see a sister sitting at the organ. I knew her, but I forgot her name! I stammered for a second but I couldn't come up with it.

Don't shoot the messenger on this one. True story.

When I was at BYU, we were in a regular Provo Ward. I believe it was the 9th Ward and was dubbed "The Newly-wed and Nearly-dead Ward".

Once, during sacrament meeting, this really old bub gets up from the pew and stood there bearing his testimony (he didn't go to the podium, most of the old folks didn't). At any rate, I'm half asleep until I hear him say "....I knew the Lard wasn't pleased and we were scared enough to turn a (insert the "N" word here) white...". I burped out "excuse me!!!??" really loudly and my wife hit me in the arm. That's all I remember.

I remember that like it was yesterday.

Ron

Just remembered one more. When we lived in Dallas, this guy got up and gave great thanks for his wife having recently had a stroke that prevented her from being able to talk. He was just so grateful he didn't have to listen to her constant nagging anymore.
I mean, everyone was trying to hold back the laughs. The Bish finally went up and told him to sit down and pulled him back from the pulpit. I mean, it was FUNNY!

If I'd heard that, I wouldn't think it was that funny. Or funny at all.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/14/2010 10:29AM by maria.

The reason it was funny was because he was a little " Off" kind of guy and no one even knew his wife- she never attended. I can even remember his name, and no one was laughing that his wife had had a stroke, who knows if she even had, but I mean for some nutty dude to say something like that-- I am telling you , everyone was trying sooo hard to hold back the laughs-it was so dang funny!

Ahh, the racism of earlier generations: In 1983 (or 1984?) my good friend's grandmother gave testimony about the "negros" and how they "had changed" since she was a little girl.

We had just moved into the ward. I had met most of the members but my husband worked a lot of weekends and didn't know many people. I had to tell him who was who when we came to church.

We had sat through a dull meeting when Sister "I'm the best woman in the ward and the richest and married to the most powerful, and I'm your supreme example of Mormon goodness" got up to speak.
My husband leaned over and asked in a whisper that could be heard for at least four rows "Now who is this old battle axe?"

When one of my Nephews was just learning to talk, he struggled with his S's. He also did not sit reverently very well, so his mother regularly told him to "sit" in a stern voice. During the passing of the Sacrement he decided to mimic his mom and pointed his finger and sternly yelled "SHIT.....SHIT". An 8 year old in the pew behind him swung his head to look at his mom and said loud enough for everyone to hear "aaaahhhhh, did you hear what that baby said???!!!" Everyone in the meeting broke up laughing, except my sister, who turned purple, and escorted my nephew out of the chaple.

A friend told me this one.

During sacrament meeting, it was silent as the bread was being passed. A few rows ahead was a young family with a little boy (about 4 years old) and directly behind them was a single old man. The 4 year old turned around in the pew facing the old man. Stared at him a moment, and then breaking the silence in the room very loudly asked, "How would you like a karate chop to the wiener?"

I still die laughing every time I think of that one.

Ok-this one wins for the funniest. What is it with boys and weiners. My 10 year old ds is quite fond of this word.

We had a new convert single mother in our ward when I was about 15 or 16. My TBM mom was also a single mother and befriended the woman. She sat in front of us with her two unruly boys. When the sacrament came, her boys were being really naughty and she told them in a little "too-loud" voice, "SHUT UP AND THINK OF JESUS."

My sisters and I still.tell each other that on occasion.

My Aunt used to come by and draft me for church on Sunday mornings. Disciples of Christ congregation, I think. She would drag me off with my twin cousins.

The collection in that congregation was from velvet bags on hoops on the end of a pole, passed down the pews by the elderly deacons.

My nephews put a live frog in the bag; the elderly deacon damn near collapsed when he saw his bag jumping around.

I was falsely blamed and convicted. As punishment I had to memorize a bunch of "begats" from the bible.

Once in a German ward there was a cute wife of a serviceman there at a christmas party. She had her daughter in her arms and even though Blonde and so very cute she was the typical "I am such an important Mormon Goddess type.

Well at the food table the daughter grabbed a handful of sweets. The Mother sternly told her to put the sweets back. The daughter flatly refused. The Mom said. "If you don't put those back I'll tell your Father." To which the daughter replied in such a loud voice. "If you do, I'll tell everyone I seen you kiss daddies wiener!"

I cracked up and got a slap from my wife and by the time I had recovered the cute blonde wife had disappeared.

And every time I saw her after that, I DID sin in my mind. LOL

I've shared this story before.

This one I won't forget!

Sometimes a little humor lightens the mood of a dull, repetitive temple session.

Many years ago, I attended the temple with a group from our Ward. One of the ladies was a very small spry (probably about 80 yr old) widow, who had recently lost her large built 90+ year old husband

She arrived with us at the temple , carrying her matching suitcase with the temple garb. Remember those!?

When she opened it, she realized she had her deceased husbands suitcase!
Laughingly, she remarked that she probably gave them the wrong suitcase for her husband's burial, and she wondered if he was buried in her temple clothes. (Not likely as those are different - but she probably didn't know that.)

Not to be deterred, she put on his one piece men's garments! She didn't have quite enough clothes in her size, so one of the matrons brought some for her.

The three of us women, who knew what happened could barely keep our faces straight through the session knowing she was wearing her deceased husbands, very large, men's garments, which she later remarked were more comfortable than her own!

The greatest prank I ever saw in the Mormon church was when someone put a bunch of those "party poppers" in all the hymn racks around the chapel. Then after opening hymn and everyone dropped the books back into the racks, there were loud bangs all around the chapel. Some people even screamed. I got one too.

The person giving the opening prayer was already up at the podium. He looked around the room disapprovingly, completely oblivious to the noise - only that people weren't being reverent for his prayer - then bowed his head.

When I got hit, the guy sitting next to me looked over at me like I had a problem. lol

It was just the best prank ever, and I salute whoever did it. Probably some of the youth.

I was the Primary music chair. The day of the beloved Primary Program, we had all the kids sitting together in the first few pews until after the sacrament was passed, when they would move up to the stand. I was sitting with/babysitting about 8 little Sunbeams.

When the bread came around, I had to reach across about six kids to grab the tray from the closest adult. One of the little 3 year olds, Harrison, had a "I wanna do it!" moment. I let him hold the tray for his friends. He did very well - didn't tip it over, made sure everyone got a piece of bread, then sat back down reverently. I was a little proud of him.

So then the water came. One of the kids sitting on the other side of me was acting up, so I was distracted. I guess the other adult down the row figured Harrison had done such a good job with the bread tray, he'd be fine to pass the water as well. She must have handed it to him and then focused on one of the other kids.

Next thing I know, I'm looking over to see Harrison dutifully holding the water tray while four Sunbeams picked up cups of water, slurped them up, spat back into the cups, and carefully replaced them in the little holes. I have no idea how many cups they had... um, "refreshed"... before I grabbed it.

Confession: I just skipped mine and passed it to the next row without a warning.

During sacrament meeting about a decade ago, while I served as a missionary in Australia, a woman leaned over and whispered in my ear, offering me oral sex. I politely declined.

This woman was a friend, a less-active young woman that my comp an I were working with. She was persistent, too, and even though I should have reported her frequent visits to our flat and the inappropriate touchings and solicitations, I genuinely liked her and enjoyed the attention.

^^^^^ FOOL !

Old guy bearing his testimony about missionary work. Mentioned that there's a young lady neighbour of his that he's been trying to talk to about the church, said that she's had a few struggles and he recently even caught her having sex against the wall of her house with a guy - then nonchalantly added "she's agreed to attend church with me next week so I hope you'll all make her feel welcome!"

A Priest was blessing the sacrament at a missionary farewell. He looked up and the Bishop was shaking his head that he messed up the prayer. In the microphone he said-Oh Shit!! Was very funny. The priest went bright red as you would imagine.