A couple of weeks ago, a 23 year old boy named Matt, whose username on YouTube is "aGayMormon," tried to "friend" me. I noticed it just this morning.

I didn't know anything about Matt, or why I had received a "friend" request from him. I still don't. But I did watch a bunch of his videos, and they truly break my heart.

If you have the patience to truly listen to a sensitive, young soul, I urge you to watch his videos on YouTube.

More importantly, is there anyone here who can say or do something to help him? I've watched enough to feel worried about him. I wrote him a letter, which I'll append here, but I feel like it's too little, and that it won't help. But maybe someone here, closer to his age, who understands what he's going through, can offer something more than I'm able to.

Matt spent five years away from the Church, but has returned, because it brings him joy. He says that, but his videos suggest a somewhat different story. This is a nice guy who is celibate (he doesn't believe in sex before marriage, however you care to define that) and is trying to live in accordance with the teachings of the Church, which he's convinced are absolutely true.

I'm afraid about where such beliefs will lead him.

Please, can anyone help? If so, write "aGayMormon" on YouTube. Let me know that he's not alone. Let him know that he has choices. Let him know that his life matters.

Thanks,

Steve


Hi Matt,

I saw your friendship request just now (you sent it on 30 Nov), and watched a bunch of your videos. I was a bit confused, because I don't think that we know each other, but wanted to say hi. I'm Steve.

I lost one of my best friends in the world, a fellow named Doug Stewart, to suicide. He was a gay ex-Mormon: http://www.affirmation.org/suicides/douglas_stewart.shtml

You're a courageous guy, and I'm deeply sorry that we're forced to live in a world where "the red pen is for mistakes," as you said. Matt, you deserve happiness. Red is just as important a color as any other. It's a primary color.

As I watched your videos, I got the impression that the defining drama of your life was that you were a good boy born into a good Mormon family. And a gay boy. And therefore, the undesirable red pen. The "mistake." But you're not a mistake. It's the vast majority of the world that's mistaken. It's hard to grasp that, given the sheer numbers, but it's true.

I know that you love your family, and there's no doubt that the Church does good in the world. But it also does evil. It breaks families apart. I often wonder: Had Doug been straight, would he still be alive? I feel certain that he would be. But the fact is that he's dead, and no amount of wishing can bring him back. He was one of the most talented writers, and thinkers (and a master cellist) that I've ever known--a shining spotlight of a personality...gone dark.

I know that you believe that there's a Heavenly Father, and that he has a plan for you, and that he loves you. I'm 41. I was brought up in the Eastern Orthodox Christian faith, and briefly converted to Mormonism at the age of 22, but it didn't last. Soon enough, I realized that Mormonism had a fascinating history, and an amazing and robust culture, but I concluded that it couldn't possibly be true. As great as the culture may be for most people, what if its founding tenets aren't true?

Galileo was persecuted for believing that the Earth orbited the sun and wasn't the center of the universe, thus contradicting the Bible. People were burned at the stake for "heresy." I believe that religion is mostly a sociological phenomenon. It gives people a chance to socialize, and a sense that they belong to something greater than themselves--as long as they conform. In a way, I see religions like training wheels. Perhaps they're useful at some point, but then, they should come off, and the rider should learn to ride on his own. Freely.

Does Mormonism help you to be a better person, Matt? I suspect that it does. But if you knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Joseph Smith invented Mormonism, and that there was never a religion that wasn't man-made, what would you do? Would it rob your life of meaning?

The Church deifies the concept of marriage between one male and one (or more) female(s), not between males. But that latter option is the only one possible for some of us (if we're lucky enough to find The One). Many gay Mormon males have tried to enter into a heterosexual marriage, most only to divorce, creating an incredible trail of suffering in their wake.

The problem with being Mormon and gay is that you're the red pen. You could wait--and spend a lifetime waiting--for other people to change, or live your life in a way that you deem, by your own lights, to honor your highest ideals. You don't need either a god or a church for that.

You said that you'd gotten into legal trouble, that you'd had problems with drugs and alcohol, but were now sober. Some of us turn to these things to blunt the pain. What I hope more than anything for you is that you'll never compromise your self-esteem and risk having sex as another way of trying to escape suffering. I don't want what happened to another friend of mine named Matt to happen to you, Matt. The other Matt had sex with countless other men, and eventually contracted HIV. Please, please, don't let that happen to you.

I don't know what your living situation is, but I'm very happy to know that your mom supports you. I hope that that support is unconditional. No matter what, remember this: you've got to be your own best friend. If you love yourself, you'll never feel alone.

There's a lot of dysfunction among gay men, and it's not surprising. It's exactly what you'd expect to see among those who have been thrown from the fold into the cold and taught that they were worthless. That's why sex and drug use are so rampant. These men throw their lives away because they don't think that those lives count for anything, so why bother to live them? Why not throw caution to the wind and enjoy today in maximal hedonistic pleasure?

The answer is simple. It leads to suffering, and even death. There are others out there like you. Find them. Here's one: http://--------.blogspot.com/

Don't ever settle for anything or anyone that falls short of your ideals, and always, always, seek whatever is good and choose the right.

And educate yourself. There's a fellow named Chris, a PhD student in computer science, who has a YouTube channel with the username "Evid3nc3." Watch his videos--all of them. Watch then with an open mind. You might want to start here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JOmSYHzeoNA

I didn't become an atheist until the age of 32, but being an atheist isn't the end of the world. I don't know whether there's something more than just this life. I hope that there is. But we're dishonest if we don't arm ourselves with the best knowledge available, think critically, and make up our own minds about what's likely to be true, and what's not, and how we should live our lives.

There's no ultimate roadmap, unlike what the Church would like you to believe. There's only *your* roadmap--and some more faithfully match the terrain than others.

I wish you health, happiness, and joy.

Thrive, Matt!

Steve

PS I encourage you to investigate www.exmormon.org. Read the stories of the ex-Mormons. A few are written by gay men. Read the forum. Post your story. Get to know some people. Always remember: you're not now, you've never been, nor will you ever be, alone in this journey.

I have him on skype but whenever I've tried to send messages they get ignored. My heart really goes out to this young man and I hope he figures things out.

I've watched his videos and I agree that they are tragic. I certainly hope he will find friends and support. He should visit affirmation.org, and his relatives should connect with ldsfamilyfellowship.org. I hope some gay men who post or lurk here will make contact with him.

"Many gay Mormon males have tried to enter into a heterosexual marriage, most only to divorce, creating an incredible trail of suffering in their wake."

Amen to that. We are living this right now. I think I saw one of his videos a while ago. I don't know how to help him with his personal suffering, I tried to help my ex and it didn't work. But I know the damage done by trying to "cure" yourself of being gay, and my kids are suffering. I resent tscc for the way it has dealt with LGBT in the past, and even more now.

I hope he gets the help he needs. It is kind of you to respond to him even though you don't know him.

but I have to say I found it a lot easier to sympathize when he wasn't encouraging other gay Mormon kids to go to church and get a heaping helping of the abuse he's chosen to continue subjecting himself to, despite knowing the church's position is wrong. He clearly does know that.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/13/2010 03:04AM by munchybotaz.