...with my wife. She just told me she thought it would be better for my children if I lied and said I believed. That it is going to hurt them when they find out I don't. Nevermind I think I have three that are lying right now about what they believe to keep her happy.

She thinks that she has accepted my beliefs, but does not want me to share them with anyone else, especially my children.

I am thinking about having an epiphany, start going again, and live the gospel down the line, no more risky movies, internet access cut off, making her wear her garments all the time, praying constantly, and being the patriarch of the home, temple twice a week, live the word of wisdom(no meat), and blessings weekly. Definitely no sex since it is not to procreate, well maybe missionary style with no forplay. Sell the nice cars(vanity), and vacation only to mormon historical sites.

We know people who live like this and their kids all lie to them constantly and are miserable. I know she would be miserable too if we lived that way.

It is easy for her to stay a member now because she is doing it cafeteria style, if we went TBM she would go crazy.

My other choice is to just keep being patient, living an honest life, and hope she peeks out from underneath the bag someday.

At least my kids can escape within the next year if they want to, the cat will be out of the bag no matter what she wants.

Well at least you can rant here.

We get it.

But I don't think you could survive the passive aggressive BS for more than a week. No harm in pointing it all out though I suppose.

"It's 5 AM, if I were a true believer we would be having family scripture study now"

"If I were a true believer you would not be able to watch GLEE due to the gay promotion, sexual innuendo, and lack of any parental examples"

"If I were a true believer our family would be at church meetings right now"

By the time I was done writing it, I was already over it. Patience and honesty will win out, and I will not do that do the kids.

The most frustrating thing is she agrees that they lie, but it does not affect her.

But ranting is definitely cathartic and helpful.

Thanks for understanding!

Amen, brother. I also reached the point of no return with my TBM wife.

Yea, all the Mormon guilt was arrayed against me as well:

Unless I became righteous my wife couldn't be resurrected with the other saints to start the Millenium. I secretly wondered if that would get me 1000 years of peace?

Problems with our son weren't because of his mother's oppression so my unbelieving heart must be transmitting trouble into his mind.

I met our daughter returning from a year in Australia (on a university exchange). During the drive home she told me she wanted to her own apartment and get her younger sister out of the home while she was still in high school.

All that Mormonism gave our home was a contentious atmosphere that everyone wanted their freedom from at their earliest opportunity.

It was my daughter who advised me to leave when her mother's abuse towards me became extreme. Moreover, my wife felt justified because she was "combating sin."

Compulsion never works. As a bishop told me years ago, "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still."

Yes the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus are living breathing creatures that are all for the force of good! So keep on with the lies and deceit!

They really need to know who you are NOW.

Can you give them those years of watching an adult be kind and patient and honest? Let them see their mother's response of fear and anger while you are calm and up front about what you believe.

I'll bet they already know. The tension is probably harming them.

And she has no more right to their souls than you do.

Oldest is out, she is the reason I left, 2nd does not think he is going on a mission, 3rd is lying about it, last two are still young enough.

I have hope.

It seems like as a parent one of your rights is to tell your children the truth of what you believe.

It disgusts me that so many mormons are ok with lying to their children about foundational beliefs. Why is your wife ok with you lying about who you are and what you believe? Why does she think she's the only one who should have that information? Obviously she suspects your truth is more powerful than hers.

I would have given anything to have a parent that told me the whole truth about the church. It would have changed everything for me. I wouldn't have gone through life with that chronic feeling of something is wrong with me. There was nothing wrong with me. I just didn't ever get the truth about my foundational beliefs. I was in my 50's before I found out how sick my source for making life decisions was. I lived my life making decisions, raising my kids all based on a sick system. A system I couldn't ever be good enough in. It has caused a lot of depression and turmoil in my life that was completely unnecessary.

Do your kids a favor. Set them free from the destructive judgements and endless impossible rules of mormonism. Help them find balance, and ways to make decisions that are in their best interest, not the churches.

but you can take it to a higher level of TBMness than you posted.

My mother's friends and sister didn't have TVs--(of course, no video games), the kids had to stay in church clothes all day Sunday. They canned all their food--had huge gardens. I doubt their kids ever even knew McDonald's existed. They wore dresses all the time--the wives--daily. There are so many more levels to take it to.

As a TBM, I lived in fear of having to live like that in the CK.

Oh--and on Sundays, the kids were not allowed to play with friends--just sit around the house all day with no music, no TV, BOREDOM.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/14/2012 04:20PM by cl2.

You just described my childhood to the letter.

It is a fundamental human right to be who you are, to live an authentic life.

Given the differences in people and the difficulty in finding someone EXACTLY like you, we all have to make compromises. These compromises should NEVER take away your right to express yourself to your own children. They have a right to know who their father really is.

You might point out to your wife that if you were divorced, the judge would absolutely give you the right to express your spiritual beliefs and teach your children anything you want on your weekends.

The best you can do in a mixed marriage is express mutual respect. You must not allow the paradigm to be framed with her as the Believer and you as the Unbeliever. Her the good, you the bad. You are not an unbeliever, you are either in transition or have different beliefs.

IMHO, it is better to divorce than live like a naughty child who has been shushed by mommy. There is no dignity there and the children would suffer more seeing that than they would if you just split and had an amicable divorce.

This is extreme language coming from me, because you know I am a defender of keeping families together. You can demonstrate your love through accompanying your wife and children to church--out of love (it's a sacrifice), but you can't turn over your entire being to be yet another closeted disbeliever, chained by your spouse.

Anagrammy

Isn't it always interesting the ease with which Mormons lie or suggest lying as a solution?

Remember... if you lie and pretend for your kids, you are in all likelihood dooming them to a life trapped in the cult with no alternative example to free their shackles in sight. She needs to learn how to respect you as an equal, not a subservient. That's #1 in any relationship.