So yesterday (Tuesday) morning, I called my mom to see how she is doing, because I knew she went to St. George with my dad for the weekend through Tuesday, and I get really concerned for her when she even travels that far due to her health. Anyway I called her and it comes out that she and my dad took all their 'active' children with them and the main purpose of the trip was to spend time with their believing children. She didn't actually say it but she said, "we would have invited you but...well...uhh...you had to work." they know I don't believe the lie (I guess truth to them) anymore. And she tried to sugar coat it, but it still bugs me! They will come visit for a few minutes at our house or at a dinner, but I get to be excluded because I have the dark mark or some bull like that.

To make matters worse, 2 of my sister have now posed pictures of them together in front of the St. George temple with a caption of something like 'my great sisters and parents got to go to the temple together and it was so wonderful to be with them.' and other stuff like that. The comments really irked me though, lots of their friends commented that it was so great to see all of them together or that the k*****r family is so great (these same people who chastised me for venting about issues I have with my bigoted family)... What am I? Non existent? Just because I choose not to drink the kool-aid that means I'm not one of my family?

It's really bugging me and I don't know why... Oh wait, I do know why, I've never been good enough for them and now they have an excuse to make me an outcast. This is really horrible because it seems as though when we take one step in the right dirrection of making things more smooth with my family, 2 steps are taken in the opposite dirrection. I really wish I had the job and $ to move out of state with my kids and wife to get away from the bullcrap!

Now that leads me on to another issue I have with them... It seems that they care more about my wife's exhusband and his wife than they do about us sometimes because they are firm believers who got married in the temple… why is my family so f#*€£d up???

From Dragwit's post -- " 'my great sisters and parents got to go to the temple together and it was so wonderful to be with them.'"

What did they do in the temple together? Splash in the baptismal font? Play musical chairs? Play pin the penis on Joseph Smith? Play spin the bottle Brigham Young style? (That one guy with 30 women and he's the only one who gets to spin.) See who can do the most green jello shots? Play hide and seek?

My family are never mos, but I can understand your frustration. Enjoy time with your spouse and children.

I'm very sorry that is horrible.

That only thing I disagree with is your statement "that you know you shouldn't care..."

Of course you should care! It hurts! Like hell! There is nothing wrong with you because it hurts.

There may be a number of reasons they do it - they may be uncomfortable around you now - not knowing what to do and say. They are likely sad and feel like failures personally. None of those excuse their actions or make them hurt less.

they don't want to live with the uncomfortable "truth", that not everyone believes this hocum.

Mormonism is depentant on protecting the lie.....

Unfortunately, shared genetic material does not guarantee a family and certainly doesn’t guarantee love among its members.

You’d like to think that your parents love each of their kids equally and unconditionally, but the truth of the matter is they don’t. We like to think that our parents are special in some way but in reality they’re just normal people with a slew of faults and imperfections and they make a lot of “sucky” decisions many which end up hurting us in one form of the other.

You have to “manage” family relationships just like any other relationship. Ask yourself, how long to do keep trying with a relationship with someone if you’re the only one contributing to the relationship?

Once you realize that parents and siblings are just “people” than you can finally get around to treating them just like other people. When they do things that oversteps boundaries of a good relationship and they hurt you, well then you speak up for yourself and tell then plain as day….“I don’t like being treated this way….excluding me from that last activity hurt my feelings.”

They either get that they hurt you and apologize or they try and turn it around and act like it’s your fault. If they don’t take responsibility for their actions then it’s time to start rethinking the relationship and if necessary start limiting your interactions with them.

when you were born were you totally dependent on these pple to survive, their opinions mattered a great deal then. there is a lot of psychological inertia there, as well you are being minimalized because you are not following mommy and daddies directions now , thats why it bothers you, you can get over it, but you would have to be re tard ed if it did nt bug you some what.

I feel your pain. Mormon parents are just weird, or I should say Mormon parents who put the church before their kids are weird. We've had a super weird situation in our family, my TBM brother figured out the whole lie and left the church and his Molly Mormon wife, that's not the weird part- we celebrate that. The weird part is our parents immediately cutting him out of their will and not only that but completely ostracising him. My mom will say she 'tried' to be a part of his life, but the truth is all she did was write condemming letters until he asked her to stop and either accept him or leave him alone. Guess she couldn't accept him.

The weird part is that our Mother has become zealous about the ex-wife, she's now the center of her universe. She is such a victim to my mom and even though she's been remarried to another family member (freaky) for three years and yet still receives alimony from my brother. She's still this pitiful person that is doted on.

It's so strange and yet they wonder why the church is called a cult. Well if it acts like a duck...

You are far ahead in maturity department. You know better.
These types of discriminating parents do not deserve to be called "Mom" or "Dad".

quinlansolo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> These types of discriminating parents do not
> deserve to be called "Mom" or "Dad".

which is why my male MORmON parent is often referred to as male MORmON parent instead of .... well, you know

Exmormons have no choice. They must step up and be the adults in the room. All of us must realize that we are above all of that. Our value as human beings is not tied to what our parents or former church people think of us.

Mormons are tied to cult thinking and can't help themselves. We are free and don't need to be bound to what others think. It's what **we** think that matters. It takes time and effort to come into our own and to finally appreciate ourselves and no longer expect or need validation from those who are incapable of providing it.

It should bug you. That's appalling.

They now participate in things you are unable to participate in based on the cult rules. I don't think they love you less than the others. They just knew only people of the same kind can go there.
The photos they take serve to brag about their family and standing in front of the temple, of how awesome and spiritual they are. Oh it is all so joyous! The photos not only make you feel bad but every other Mormon who sees them that does not have a family that is like yours will feel bad. They will see that since they aren't in a family like that that they are not as important or special. No matter how many church toilets they clean, they know they will not reach the same status in their church. Isn't that just so Christ like?
Pictures of happy people are not necessarily true. I know these words make it hurt no less but I am sure you are loved just as much but they are and the so called church are hurtful.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/13/2012 08:44AM by suckafoo.

Are the siblings (or cousins) who know the whole thing is a large steaming crock of fecal matter, yet who live a life of private secular decadence, but then proceed to put on a big show of white shirts, garment lines, and testimonies at family gatherings. There is a special place in hell for hypocrites.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/13/2012 09:11AM by ladell.

That really sucks. When things like that happen to me, I remind myself that they have been taught to think that way by the church. They don't know how to act otherwise, so I don't take it personally anymore. But then it does hurt, regardless of the intent. I guess I've just experienced things like that so many times that I'm kind of numb to it.

I'm glad my family doesn't do that to me. That said, I was bit irritated that the day of the wedding, while my wife and kids and I were busy setting up the reception, my parents took my sisters and their husbands, and my niece and her mother to Sundance for lunch. WTF?

You could post a comment on their facebook picture...

"I'm the sister they keep in the attack because I found out Mormonism was a fraud"

This sucks.

But I wouldn't let it bother you.

Go on your own vacation, take happy pictures and send them out to your family. Let them know you are happy, healthy, and really together as a family (if you are married, I may have skimmed a bit of your thingee...).

Maybe go to the Mountain Meadows Massacre site and take the pictures. Dress up as 19th century Mormons shooting unarmed immigrants. Smile while you do it!

They are not your family, they are your blood relatives. Many mormons don't know the difference. Welcome to the terrestrial tier of the family where so many of us are. They don't want you raining on their mormon parade--or is it charade?

When you leave the church you don't just find out what your friends are made of, you find out what your family is made of too.

They see no point in investing in your relationship since as far they are concerned it has a shelf life. They are already practicing doing with out you. They visit you for a moment or two to relieve their own guilt for not loving you like the others.

That may be too harsh, but that is one point of view.

There are other people out here to make a family out of. You can adopt more than children in this life. You can also adopt brothers, sisters, grandparents and a crazy aunt if you find new people you love.

I am sorry for the pain. It does hurt to be excluded.

As much as I hate to, maybe I'll just defend your family for one second...I wonder how much more it would have hurt if they had come out and said that they were having a family temple day and that they were sorry you wouldn't be able to join them.

Now, if they were going to be doing stuff you liked to do and going to a place that you would be able to attend, it would be a truly rotten thing for them to intentionally not invite you.

I do agree though that the pictures and posting about having the amazing family was in poor taste. That's gotta be harsh.

I understand your pain and you have every reason to feel that way. I think it's perfectly natural that you care how your family treats you, there's no shame in feeling hurt.

But I agree with suckfoo and JoD3:360, if their sole purpose of that trip was to attend the temple, it's understandable why they wouldn't invite you. They may have felt awkward and weren't sure how to handle the situation, and rather than tell you about it and make you feel bad because you couldn't go in the temple, they chose not to tell you at all. I'm not saying that was the best way to handle it, but maybe they thought they were sparing your feelings. But I would imagine they still love you and just aren't sure how to handle situations like that when they know you can't participate. I know that doesn't make it any less hurtful, but maybe understanding their intent would make it easier for you to move past it. Of course you know them well, so you can be the judge of whether or not you think that's what happened.

The pictures do seem insensitive, kinda in your face. So sorry that you have to deal with this. It's the worst part about leaving the church--being alienated by family.

The whole trip was insensitive and meant to be exclusive in nature.

His parents chose the one activity that they and everyone else in the family “knew” dragwit couldn’t and wouldn’t attend - a temple trip to celebrate their eternal family.

Dragwit’s no longer a believer and doesn’t pay the required membership fee so guess what; he’s no longer a part of the eternal family. Oh, well in their eyes it’s his own damn fault and he’s the one rejecting his eternal family. If he’d just toe the line and be obedient he wouldn't be left out. Lord knows they tried their best to raise him right but I guess everyone’s got a black sheep in the family.

See that’s what is left unsaid but more than likely what they’re thinking.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 06/13/2012 11:24AM by davesnothere.

I'd like to agree to try to make the OP feel better but I don't buy it.

The only sensitive thing to do would have been to invite OP. The invitation should have been something like - "We are doing a family trip down to St. George. Just so you know we are planning a trip to the temple as part of it. We understand that you may need to work and that you may not be interested because of the temple trip but we just wanted to let you know that you are invited anyway."

If my parents started treating me as if I weren't part of the family, they'd stop being part of my family.

Most of my family lives in Utah, though we're native to Oregon and California.

My old dad gathered up all his real estate money and moved out to southern Utah. My sycophant TBM siblings circle his big house like buzzards. He owns some local houses that they can live in and be subsidized if they worship Joseph Smith.

I have one brother left, Flecher, who lives in the same Calif. town I do. No one else will speak to me.

I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does.

I know exactly what you mean. My brother and his new wife after a year got sealed in the temple. my mom told me, but only after the fact cause she didn't want me to feel bad about being left out. I wrote to my brother explaining he should never feel bad about telling me about important things in his life just because I am not able to be a part of it. I will always be happy for whatever makes him happy and we don't always have to agree on what that is.After reading what goes on in the temple, I am no longer jealous of it or feel bad about being left out. It truly sounds weird and cultish. I do understand about feeling bad. I struggle with the favortism all the time with my TBM family and get togethers. It took me almost 25 years with my non-member husband to see the light and to understand the indifferances he always felt around my family. I always said he over reacted but looking back now I see it all too clear. Now that the guilt is gone from the fact that I will NEVER believe as they do and I'm okay with that it is easier to deal with them, Being on the fence is a painful emotional exausting place to be, I am so much happier now and hope others on this site are also.

Thank you all. It helps to know I'm not alone. A few things that I didn't state last night about this. I'm the only son in 6 kids. I'm also the one that gets left out a lot because of it. I should be used to it, but it still hurts. This isn't the first time and each time it's not just an exclusive morgbot trip. Last year they did a "family history" trip to las Vegas and took in a few shows while there visiting my grandmothers sister. This year they went to tuachann to see a show there. Next year I think I'll suggest back east and see if I can go... While they are there doing morgbot stuff I'll go try to find walden pond and pay my respects to a great philosopher who made a positive difference in the world as opposed to a sociopathic asshole of a man... But in reality, I have friends that are becoming more family that my blood relatives, and I would rather spend my time enjoying with them than enduring to the end with my blood relatives...

This is why you were the one in your family to have the courage to walk out. You don't ever want your kids to live through conditional love. You're going to bear the brunt of all of it for them, but someday when they're old enough, they'll know. And your legacy will ensure freedom for all those generations to come.

I'm still sorry. That is beyond screwed up. These people should be ashamed of themselves.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/14/2012 12:48AM by flyboy21.

I don't know how many siblings you have, but most of us from large families have at least one mean-spirited one who makes life harder for us and usually our parents too. (the toxic one or ones)

My only advice is call home regularly no matter what. keep conversations light--remember when? They realize what a good person you are. In my case "karma" my best friend has always eventually been the equalizer. Be patient.

Think about it. You really did not want to be in St George for that trip. Thank God you were not! (Both The Mother and the Father!)



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/13/2012 08:04PM by wisewoman.

I understand the feeling. I have this wonderful little brother. Dad was an alcoholic and by the time the brother was approaching adolesence I had to take over the fathering. I introduced him to mo, silly silly thing to do. Long story short, when I came out as gay and owned an adult store, interaction between my family and his became very distant. We live within 20 miles of one another, but I see my sister who lives 100 miles away much more often. He looks down upon me even though the store is gone. If I called for help he would be there on the spot. Would he ever pick up the phone to call me for any reason? Now that Mom is dead, never happen. It hurts but what can you do. I just try to soldier on. Out of his brand of love for me, he will make sure my blessings get restored after I am dead and hope that I repent. The rest of the family have all been sealed to our parents now. Did anyone share? No. They probably didn't want me to feel bad. If there is a god and there is a heaven of any sort, the love that bound us as a family in this life with be the glue that unites us in the next. Sealing means nothing unless it is "sealed by the holy spirit of promise", so they can have all the ordinances they want. Maybe it makes them feel special.


Like Rosanna Rosanna Dana, "Nevermind."

because if you did *know* that then you WOULD NOT CARE. You have unrealistic expectations for the way your TBM parents should deal with you. When they act exactly like TBM parents have been taught (brainwashed) to act then you get bent out of shape about it.

The solution to this problem is to change your expectations.

I quit attending the Mormon Church at age 17, since I had become an atheist. I did not ever have a discussion with my TBM parents about my reason for quitting. I just stopped going to meetings and found something useful to do with my time on Sundays.

I had three younger sisters who were still TBMs at the time. I think that my parents decided to become very strict with my sisters so that they would not follow in my apostate footsteps. When I was out of their house and living on my own, I seldom visited my parents or spoke with them. I was quite sure that they had a strong relationship with my sisters, and I was okay with that.

It was my choice to exit the church and I fully expected that I would not have much of a relationship with my TBM parents because of that choice. I was much happier after I quit the church and losing my parents in the process was the price I paid for my new found happiness. I'd do the same thing all over again without giving it a second thought.

It helps to understand that YOU choosing to be free and NOT being a drunk derelict is an implied judgment that the GA's are wrong.

As a walking poster boy for Life After Mormonism, it's not too hard to see how your very existence threatens their elite status as the only ones who are "really" happy, the superior ones with "more light."

They would like nothing more than for you to go on a vindictive posting binge on Facebook and prove that they are right--that you have lost the spirit, are bitter, can't leave it alone, are jealous of their eternal happiness, have a "dark" spirit, have lost the Holy Ghost, are paying for turning away from God, etc, etc.

The shunning is classic passive aggressive behavior.

Having said that, you have every right to be horrified, indignant and hurt that your status as a family member was not unconditional. Mormonism brainwashed your family to think that if a member is not a Mormon, they are not a "true" member at all, since they won't be included for the family photos at the gates to the Celestial Kingdom.

Suckers! While they defer their together time, redirect their resources and make sacrifices for a time which will NEVER come, you are actually enjoying your wife and children and, more importantly, investing your time and talents in people who actually love you unconditionally.

It is important for you to rail against the injustice of the corporate family-destroying machine. And the hapless victims who can't see past the obvious--well, their loss. Even so, it still hurts.

The one ray of hope is that over time, your authentic life and your continued success as a human being among other human beings will be an example to them that treating all people as equal is a good idea and brings a peaceful life, and that you don't need to belong to a club of megalomaniacs to feel like you matter.

Best

Anagrammy

I really put my family to the ultimate test.
I went inactive. I was excommunicated. I stayed that way for about 10 years. They all abandoned me. Completely and totally. Then one day my younger sister called me because she needed help. We became friends.

Then I rejoined the church. My husband and children were all baptized the same day I was. My husband went to the temple and took out his endowments. Our children were raised mormon.

My family still shunned me. I could have walked on water and it wouldn't have been good enough.

Then husband and I found out the truth about mormonism. We didn't tell anyone but my sister and our kids that we left. My 2 children left with us. My sister is struggling, but still talks to me. She has expressed her own doubt about the truthfulness of the church.

I have found that it doesn't matter if i'm in or out of the church. My family is still a mess. My parents play favorites, and pit their children against each other. It's sick. I want no part of it.

I wish it were different, but it isn't. It never will be. Ever. My family has shown me over and over who they are. I finally get it. They will never be what I need. I will never be what they need.

I put all of my focus on my husband and children. That's where I have found true loyalty and love.

Mia is right. Her family seems to be a lot like mine. She drives home the point that nothing is ever good enough.

This is not personal. It is just perfectionism in the extreme. It is the conditional love that the Mormons teach and practice.

I was excluded from my TBM family, because I lived a distance away, and because I worked. My husband and children worked, too. My siblings were just bums, who lived off my parents.

In my case, my oldest brother and his wife were stealing my parents' estate. I was a good Mormon--an organist and cub scout leader and SS teacher--but never RS president, like my mother and grandmothers. AS good as I always tried to be, my brothers and sisters in law would make up gossip about me, to discredit me in my parents' eyes. They also lied to my parents that my husband was worth millions, and we didn't need money or gifts. I thought it was simple jealousy, but later I learned that they were after my share of the inheritance. They did steal over half of my share.

Yes, it bothers you badly, to be cut out of your family, but, you must understand that this is for the best! I don't know your details, but I assume by their behavior that your family is not loving or supportive. Your family seems to be dysfunctional and not kind. Do you want your children to be treated that way? This will probably bother them, too, right?

Sometime over the years, I realized that contact with my family was hurting my children. My brothers spanked them, verbally abused them, called them names. My kids were well behaved, sociable, musical, athletic, good students, paper boys, and Eagle scouts. Yet, my family constantly belittled them. When my brother sexually harassed my daughter, I stopped the family visits.

Years later, my children have succeeded way beyond anything my family could ever dream of. They are honest and loving non-Mormons. They are free from sexism, racism, snobbery, entitlement, narcissism, dishonesty, manipulation, back-biting, and all those other nasty traits that they might have learned from my brothers, Their kids are adults, now, and are just as rotten. The decision to break off all ties, is one we've never wanted to reverse.

If you can let go (and let go of the money, too) you and your wife and kids will be much happier. Your happiness will balance out the hurt.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/14/2012 07:09AM by forestpal.

My brother also stole my parents estate. He talked them into signing everything over to him. My parents have 6 other children besides him. My parents now live in their own basement and he lives upstairs with his new wife that is half his age.

He's a liar, a con man and a thief. He's also a recommend carrying mormon. He lives outside of spokane. I hope nobody here ever has the misfortune of meeting him. If you do, hang on to your wallet, and your wife.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/14/2012 02:44PM by Mia.