To all teenage/college age ex-mos on RFM:

What are your stories? Or your situations? Need any help? Have you told your families yet? Have they shunned you or cut you off financially?

I'm stuck up here at BYU-I. I just recently told my family that I don't believe in the church and am not going in a mission. They haven't been taking it very well. It really sucks!

It was really tough to tell my parents I didn't believe anymore. They haven't shunned me really, although they did keep me from hanging out with my two little brothers unless it was at some family function, for fear that I would be a bad influence on them or something. That really hurt. There was a point when I asked them for help getting some assistance with paying for school, whether it be cosigning a loan or loaning me some money themselves, but they wouldn't do it without some serious strings attached, I'd have to ditch my longtime girlfriend, start going to church etc etc. It was pretty f'd up I guess, but whatever. They are still my parents and I still love them.
We actually have a much better relationship now than we have had in years. My strategy was always to take the high road. No matter what they said to me, and believe me, they were vicious when it came to my relationship with my girlfriend, I stayed calm and never said anything to them I'd regret. Eventually I guess earned their respect, it's been months since I've gotten an email or letter trying to guilt me into rejoining the flock.

I've been home from my mission for about a year now and stopped believing in TSCC about a couple months ago. I've only told this to one friend who happens to be LA. All of my other friends/family members are TBM. I can't even fathom telling my family right now; it would basically be the equivalent of someone else telling them that I'm dead.

It really seems like my only options right now are:

A) Continue living a Lie

or

B) Give my mother a heart-attack

This really does suck...

Living a lie will make you an emotional mess. It will hurt you psychologically. I doubt your mom will have a heart attack anyway. And besides, this is not about her life. It is about yours. So choose wisely. It may take time, but start throwing out subtle clues...little questions that can not be answered..."We will know in the next life". Be serious with your questions but not "in your face". Then when ready state that you can not belong to an organziation that puts much doubt in your mind and you are giving it a break. Then yrs. later if you wish, just resign.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/02/2012 06:18PM by honestone.

Do yourself a favor and don't go to any church-sponsored school, have kids with any TBM, and do anything else that will further compromise your freedom to make choices in the long run. If you think it's hard to face your parents/family/friends just imagine what it would be like for you to screw up your career/education or have to co-parent with a TBM and watch your posterity become TBMs and think terribly of you in the long run because you couldn't grow a backbone in your early 20's. Good luck to you.

I'm a little older, but understand what it is like. Be careful with it, and it depends on how devout your parents are. If they are tbm's through and through I might consider waiting until you are financially stable on your own. If they are helping you with school and other things, it might not be worth it to be cut off at this time.

Also there is a better chance your parents will respect your decision when you are older. If you can show them you are a responsible person with intellectual reasons for choosing not to be mormon that will likely go over much better than appearing as a dependent partier; which could be interpreted as just being lazy or going through a rebellious phase.

Good luck with however you decide to go about it.

Be very, very careful in posting here, using computers and the internet. Don't reveal any IRL information here. Don't use a campus computer or account. If you are caught, you may lose your ecclesiastical endorsement and be expelled. You'll not only lose your credits, they have been known to refuse to send records on to other schools.

Protect yourself.

+1.

Might I add, if you are in the BYU boat, there is no reason why you can't modify details of your life to help throw off the people who are undoubtedly probing this website.

For example, if you're a 23-year-old English major and a returned missionary from England, mix it up a little. Tell us instead that you're a 24-year-old History major who didn't serve a mission because you got married right out of high school.

All we care about is helping you survive BYU and eventually transition out of Mormonism.

Early undergrad was a rough period, but life has been getting better and better since.

Also, I'm fortunately at a godless university. So, that helps.

My advice to all my fellows is to do everything you can to achieve financial independence as soon as possible. Also, if you can maintain some kind of diplomatic truce with your parents that's good. I know this is not possible for everyone, but it's worth trying.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/02/2012 11:09AM by archytas.

Left home just last year. My parents had made it clear that they wouldn't accept me if I wasn't a Mormon. I told them about my lack of belief in 2009 and they issued an ultimatum "be a Mormon or else we won't love you." As a male, I could only toe the line for so long until they started telling me to go on a mission. That's when I knew I had to leave before the pressure got worse. I was having panic attacks on a regular basis and I knew that I would attempt suicide if they put me under any more pressure.

Now that I've left we no longer speak to each other, and my siblings think I'm the most monstrous thing in existence. My parents slandered me when I left and my Father threatened everyone I knew with legal action if they had anything to do with me. This caused me to lose most of my non-Mormon friends. They did everything in their power to make sure that I failed and had to come crawling home to them. I lost everything when I left.

Thankfully I was fortunate enough to find someone willing to take me in until I can set out on my own.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/02/2012 12:20PM by Strykary.

That just leaves me speechless Strykary. Just stay strong. There are a lot of beautiful things in life still to come your way. I have friends that are family, seriously seriously family. It is truly wonderful to have people who know what unconditional love is in your life. You will always find them if you are that kind of person yourself.

It doesn't turn around over night. Just take advantage of every opportunity to build the life you want. I am so glad you have one friend to be there for you. That is everything.

Many of us have been where you are, most probably not as seriously rejected as you describe, but always come here and get support.

Always remember, it is a turning point, and as scary as turning points can be, they point to a clean slate on which you can write a better future.

By leaving to be yourself you may have saved your own life. You are setting a good example to your siblings. I bet you will see over time. You may need to be there for them one day. No one can live with conditional love from their parents for long. You are young and life just starting. Make your life a good one and don't look back. I, personally, admire you for what you did.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/02/2012 01:19PM by suckafoo.

Strykary, I am so sorry that you've had to put up with that level of craziness.

You might want to consider putting some serious physical distance between you and your family one day (if you haven't already.) There are a lot of great places to live. I spent eight blissful years in Colorado, and never regretted having spent some time there. California is great, the Oregon/Washington coastal areas are beautiful, Florida has many lovely spots, etc. Don't be afraid to pick up and move!

Dude... that's just... evil. I'm so sorry man. That really breaks my heart when I hear people have to go through that. I still believe you made the right choice, because you did it for yourself... not for anybody else. Your courage is inspiring.

Strykary, I'm saddened to hear your situation. Stories like yours make me sick to my stomach.

I too am 18 and struggling to find out what to do with my life. My parents haven't fully, only financially, shunned me so I can't even imagine what that must be like.

You made the right move by leaving. I really hope everything works out for you.

If you need someone to talk to you can email me anytime. byuiapsotate@yahoo.com

Your parents are awful people - toxic and cruel. No need to be around them. Why did you lose your nonmormon friends. I would think they would be your support system. Or did the parents threaten them....or possibly you just weren't yourself around them with this mess your parents created. Glad you saw the light and will make a good life for yourself without those horrible hate filled people. If they ever apologize it is then you can take them back.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/02/2012 04:15PM by honestone.

Thanks for the supportive comments everyone. My life has gotten a little bit easier but there's still a long ways to go.

Strykary -


Wow that is horrible. Families can be together forever, unless someone in the family does not believe than they are cut out forever. My situation is not that bad, but I have seen other situations like yours and my heart goes out to you and anyone in your situation.

Please know you have friends here, and you are welcome to get in touch with me face to face if you need the support.

I'm 20 years old, yet to fully resign, attended a year at BYU-I, and now am on Delayed Entry in the Navy. I made the mistake of picking BYU-I and later had no way of getting into a real college. (Hence the military.)
Personally, I consider BYU-anywhere a scam posing as school.

I was wondering if any of you could help me, I'm 14 and I want to leave tscc because of the fact that I don't believe it anymore (not because I'm a crack whore like some people will think). I'm not sure how my parents will take it. I'm pretty sure that my mom will accept and love me either way, but me and my dad already have a strained relationship and he may kick me out, force me to go, or just punish me in some way. My dad already doesn't trust me and I haven't done anything to make him stop trusting me other than superficial thing like being sarcastic, telling him I'm moving to New York City when I'm 18, and saying things like "I hate ... Blah blah blah". I was wondering if any of you have any advice for me. I was looking for stories about young teens leaving the church and I couldn't find any online, so I was also wondering if you know of people who have left at a young age so that you could share their experiences. Also because I live in Utah I feel like I would become totally alienated from my peers I I left. Do you guys have any advice for me?

byuiapostate- I am glad your family hasn't completely cut you off. I think it's sick they cut you off financially and have tried to manipulate (and FORCE) you to believe something that in your mind doesn't logically make any sense! I know your parents have good sides to them so I can't say they're completely evil, but wow, to be that hateful to your own child over differences in belief is just sick to me. I think the big media companies need to hear stories of how people were rejected by their Mormon families because they left the church. The world needs to know this shit happens...and that the church itself does nothing to prevent it (because they are the cause of it!)

Strykary- I am so sorry to hear this. My situation is kind of similar but it's kind of reversed where my family has been so emotionally abusive to me that I am to the point where I feel the need to cut off contact with them. Toxic people have no place in my life. I am glad you are standing up for the real truth (that the church is a complete scam!)

hellrazor- Smart person you are to realize that a BYU-anywhere is a complete scam. I have ex mormon friends that went to BYU Provo and they tell me the type of shit they taught there. I couldn't believe it! They have an agenda and that's the agenda of the church. The whole point is to continue brainwashing people and controlling their lives so they can give them more money. It's one of the most disgusting organizations of our time.

I am so glad Strykary found a way out. And sad that it was necessary.

When I was leaving high school, my parents flat out told me they were not going to help me with school money so I would have to figure that out on my own. I also knew my dad made enough money there would be very little if any financial aid available.
And yet my little sister got college money, and I'm sure lots more these days as she is married with four kids and her husband is underemployed. TBM of course.

I am not jealous, the price is too high for that kind of help.

Rather than bow to what they wanted, which was me paying rent at their home, taking out loans for college, and of course continuing on as a mormon... I left.

I had my car and a storage unit. I camped, slept in my car, surfed the occasional couch but tried really hard not to wear out my welcome at my friends' places. A gym membership got me regular showers so I could keep my jobs. Eventually, I made enough to afford an apartment, but I have two years of homelessness to my name.

My mother refers to those years as my "troubled teens". Fuck you and your mormon agenda, mom. There was no room there for me to be me and I was beyond done trying to cram myself into that tiny mormon box.
All I wanted was to NOT go to church, but you know the whole "my house, my rules" business. Yeah, homelessness sounded FAR better than that combined with their constant disapproval and the memories in that house of the things they did to me out of what they perceived as love or entertainment, or religion.


You are not alone.

Had to cut my studies short because I lost financial support from my parents. If I'd known their help depended on my religious affiliation, I never would have accepted it in the first place. Although I could have kept going to church and paid tithing to satisfy them, the anxiety attacks and emotional exhaustion started interfering with school. Rather than subjecting myself to that kind of stress, I packed up and went home.

Afterwards, my mother told everyone I had just given up on everything -- my faith, my schooling, and my ambitions, while conveniently forgetting to mention that I came home because they'd stopped helping me pay for school.

It was a no-win situation.

Still trying to figure out what to do with myself. Every time I try to make plans, my parents worm their way in so they can keep controlling me, and then I start second-guessing myself. Sometimes I fantasize about picking up and moving far away, but the thought paralyzes me, and I feel like a little kid trapped in a woman's body. I just don't have the confidence to strike out on my own.

That will get you away from your parents, give you a new life, let you learn job skills, and pay for your room and board. When you choose to leave the military, they will pay for your college education if you choose to do that.

My son-in-law did the above and it has worked out very well for him.

Military service can be just as bad as being in the church unfortunately.

If you do any of the following they can capture your equipment's MAC ID.

1. Use BYU equipment to access this website.
2. Use any machine to access this website using BYU's internet services.
3. Use your own BYU computer account to VPN into BYU's network and then think you are accessing this website through your ISP, not the BYU network.

Suggestions:

1. If you have a BYU laptop or other device then don't use it to access RfM.
2. Don't try to access RfM while on BYU campus using their WiFi service.
3. Don't access this website while attached via VPN into BYU's network.

You can use a proxy website to bounce the signal off. you might have to put up with commericals but your signal will be shadowed.

Leaving the church may be easier in some ways (easier, not easy) when you're young, or in my case when you're old. Either way you have people getting angry or concerned or really butt-hurt...in one case it's parents, and the other it's the TBM kids. (Of course TBM siblings are a factor in both cases)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/04/2012 06:21PM by rationalguy.

I actually posted on this forum a couple of years ago, when I was 15. I'm now 17, and in that time, things haven't really changed much.

I'm still atheist, I haven't told my family or mormon friends about my atheism and I still force myself to go to church. I too am living on that fear of my parents disowning me if I tell the truth, so I've been living this lie for over the past two years. I'm even still debating whether or not I should serve a mission, if only to shut my parents up.

When I was losing faith a couple of years ago, I was very vehement - obsessed, even - about researching as much dirt, horrors, and questionable history about mormonism that I possibly could. This even extended to me taking interest in researching cults and crazy wackjob "religions", like Thiooubia and some weird radical feminist Atlantis thing I can't remember.

I vowed from then on to destroy and rid the world of the monster, the evil that is mormonism (in case you're wondering, I never capitalize "mormon" because I don't feel it deserves that level of respect) in whatever ways I could. Of course, I was also in hiding at this time (still am, of course), so I couldn't really warn any other mormons that I knew. Instead, I have taken up the task of an anti-missionary: warning as much of my non-mo friends as I can about the evil that is this church.

The big issue, ultimately, is HOW exactly and WHEN I'm going to come out to my parents about this. I really just simply want to say NO to the whole mormon BS and never have anything to do with it ever again, but I know it won't be that easy. I will have to explain everything I have learned and researched about the church, cults, and Christianity.

The fallout effect of this, however, is potentially very terrifying. Suppose I strike a chord with my parents (especially my dad) and based on my anti-testimony, they too decide to leave the church. How can they justify the time, energy, headaches, stress, and MONEY that they have wasted for over 20 years of being members? I can only imagine my dad's anger at me for not telling HIM the TRUTH I knew all along! And suppose that they keep believing. How will they accept that their sacrament has been blessed and served by me, an atheist, before an entire congregation? How will my father accept that I have baptized his father, by proxy, in the temple, as an atheist? And yes, when the ward decides to have a freaking temple trip, I always go. It's part of my way of "hiding." Appearing as mormon as possible, until the great and terrible day, when I confess...

To all of you exmo teens out there reading this, who have somehow... SOMEHOW mustered up the courage to stand before your own parent(s), who have given you SO MUCH, and say that their religion can go FUCK ITSELF, BECAUSE YOU, BY YOUR OWN POWER, HAVE CHOSEN A DIFFERENT PATH FOR YOUR LIFE...

I just want to say to you, I am beyond fucking proud of you and I respect and admire you immensely. You have taken a powerful step in shaping your future and deserve only the best.