That book radically changed my life. For the better. I made huge changes in the people I let into my life, and how I treated people.
There were people in my life who were walking all over me. I learned to set boundaries and put a stop to it. They did not take it well. I stuck to my guns.
I was so angry after I read that book. The realization that the people who were treating me poorly knew exactly what they were doing was a real wake up call. I was stuck in a mode thinking that if I was kind and patient they would come around and be the same way toward me. I had it all backwards. I was a perfect mormon doormat. I had to learn how to stop letting people wipe their feet on me.
It wasn't until then I was able to know and trust myself. I became much happier and more secure and sure of my self. There were many that didn't like that. They had to either accept it or get lost.
co dependent no more should be handed to um....everyone! It really is an incredible book. I would recommend it to anyone. It did leave me with a now what feeling, but Melodie has addressed that with some other books of hers. Silent Sons and Perfect Daughters are also incredibly therapeutic.Good luck and I hope you find clarity and freedom soon.
It is a bit distressing to know that we really do not solve our problems. Imagine a circle of people that keep shrinking because of trivial disputes. There is always something wrong, but the details are unclear - No one really do not know what is wrong. We together do all the things everybody else does, we do what is said to be correct. But nothing changes. Never.
You sacrifice some or everything, but do not get anything back. It makes me insane to know that it is the feeling me and living me that is the problem. I have no right to be happy, I have no right to think, no right to feel. I can apparently only be happy through choosing what is not me.
I have this couple of bullies that have pressured me for ten years, I am never good enough, and nothing is correct. I should not see, reflect or hear anything, just be what they are and not deviate in my thinking from their path. They want me to be like them or a walking living dead that never grow up - The eternal boy that do not wants to upset the father or the mother.
But the past two years I have start to abandoned them, and the only reaction I have got is abandonment from on part and ridicule and cursing from another. I am abandoning them and it seems to me that I have no obvious right to turn my back to their cruelty.
It is like they are twelve years old. If I deviate on one single verb or on single consonant, I have fallen in the hands of the devil. If I tell them that I like Snickers instead of Twix, I have made the wrong choice. I should not choose, someone should hand me a snickers or a Twix. It is not up to me.
Absurd.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/02/2012 01:17PM by volrammos.
I sure wouldn't invest ten years in trying to get someone to respect me. Life is too short for that. And honestly, don't those other people have something better to do with their time as well?
I can offhand think of three people who lost respect for me and have been open about having done so. In each case, the person involved has a highly judgmental personality. My feeling is that the loss of respect has more to say about them and how they see the world than it does about me.
In two of the situations I haven't had to have much interaction with the people involved. So I just avoid them when need be, and don't worry about it otherwise. They can both see that I've prospered without their good opinion of me.
In the third case I had to work closely with the other woman for many months, and she tried her hardest to make me miserable. It was stressful, no doubt. But I worked the system so that when one of us had to transfer out, I made sure that it was her and not me. She was so spitting mad over that, ha ha! But at that point, I could have cared less.
I do my best, fix what needs to be fixed when I can, and otherwise don't worry that much about other people's opinions about me.
Something I realized after my aunt sent me a poem my mother had written (and I had never seen)--NOBODY completely gets us. We will always be "alone" in terms of understanding ourselves.
I've had a lot of relationships crumble in the past 10 years or so also--and it was because I quit going along just to get along--taking all their abuse and being controlled by them. It just became intolerable. The only people I really care about in terms of how they "see" me are my kids--and I have to be really careful about that because they can bring me down, too.
Dogs--get a dog. They love you no matter what. The older I get, the less I care about if someone likes me or not. If they don't like me just how I am--then they don't need to be in my life.
The thing is--it wouldn't matter what you did or do--it will never be what they want. They just keep changing their expectations.
Who outside of this circle has at sometime showed you respect or has made an effort to start a friendship with you? Who else have you noticed and respected?
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/02/2012 02:32PM by robertb.
I also experience reoccuring distressed thoughts about how people might not respect me. I can relate to how you describe the angst and other negative emotions that consistently enter your mind. I can relate to feeling like all your energy has been wasted in a relationship that hasn't yielded any obvious benefit. I think a lot of people can. Here are some rambling thoughts of mine about this.
I am not sure if you are referring to your parents, but in my case it has definitely been thoughts about my parents that have been the source material of my anger and disgust.
It's been very distracting and debilitating to have these incessant feelings of needing to completely disown them or defeat them emotionally. The more I've learned about psychology I've come to realize that the source of my personal distress about the ties I have to my parents is more within my control than anybody else's. Although I have recognized I definitely need more wisdom on how to do this. I have turned mostly to cognitive therapy and positive psychology for help.
I've tried to cultivate a more rational response to these thoughts. I have come to the conclusion that feelings of betrayal and hate are not the best way to handle my conflict with my parents. I can't expect them to have wisdom that they have never encountered. Instead a focus on generous encouragement for them to improve their lives makes more sense to me now as appropriate.
I appreciate the Buddhist thought that to a degree our unreasonable expectations are related to our suffering. Changing our expectations is a training type of task. An expectation that appeals to me is to always be on the lookout for ways to generously give something I enjoy giving. This simple universal expectation works for me. It helps me to not worry whether the actions and thoughts of others are unjust. When my mind is focused on this task my worries usually go away. I also find with this focus I am taken advantage of less, because I am less distracted by anger and worry. I can completely relate to that feeling of waking up with angry thoughts. This still happens to me occasionally, but is getting much better with my new focus.
I have found that when I give thoughtfully and sincerely the more this generosity is reciprocated from people I had assumed could only be selfish and judging. I am definitely not suggesting to let people take advantage of you and to give what they demand from you, but more so I am suggesting that giving encouragement and compliments to someone for even the slightest glimmer of respectability in them is a major key to restoring a healthy relationship of open generosity. Its a very low risk investment to make that pays off much better than trying to take the responsibility to solve someone else's problems and always does more lasting good.
The brain is extremely good at remembering the state of relationships. It won't let you just abandon a relationship. It will keep reminding you of what they could be thinking about you and what you could do about it. I have found the only way to escape this mental trap is to train myself to see these sour relationship situations as an opportunity to give relief to another's low self-esteem or worries using some strength that I have and enjoy using. This helps to train your brain to see that the person's opinion that is arousing your anger is not such a dangerous threat to demand your attention. I find that the situation is restored to a more normal relationship with more reasonable expectations towards each other.
I can't give you much advice on obtaining professional counseling (although I wouldn't discourage it at all), but I never went that route. I would be glad to continue to share how I have dealt with feelings of betrayal I have had towards my parents that originated mostly from their consistent asking for large loans that they would promise to pay back, but never make an effort to do so. This disturbed me for several years until I started getting into cognitive therapy and positive psychology. Our relationship has gotten a lot better and I have learned how to protect myself in the future from giving more money than I am comfortable with. I rarely worry about their past dishonesty anymore. I am now more able to move on and focus on other things without being distracted by hurt feelings.
So in short my advice is to look for reliable wisdom on how to restore these relationships to mutual respect and fill the rest of your attention with strengthening bonds to new people that you enjoy being around-that should allow your brain to relax and be more focused on positive goals and emotions. This is easier said then done, so definitely look for help wherever you can get it whether professionally, here at RFM, or from reliable books.
Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 06/02/2012 05:10PM by Brian M.