I was married in the temple to a convert who told me one week before the wedding that he was bisexual. He was truly bisexual, it didn't turn out that he was completely gay, but he did lie about the "no need to experiment" and pressured me after our marriage to let him experiment. I couldn't allow it so that ended in divorce about three years ago. I ended a relationship a few months ago when I found gay porn and dating websites on my ex-boyfriend's computer. (I was not snooping. He let me borrow an old laptop that he hadn't used in awhile, and it came up in the history.) He still claims he was only curious. I REALLY miss him. The sex was good. He is hilarious, but still, I have that knot in my stomach and can't trust my own instincts. How can I sharpen my gaydar? Someone on a women's board suggested making more gay guy friends. I have quite a few lesbian friends but no guys since my only gay guy friend moved to New York. I love the gays! I have always been terribly shy around guys, even when I've suspected they're gay. Any other tips for sharpening my sixth sense?

Hmmm



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/22/2012 08:01PM by mindlight.

you are in bed with someone.

As long as the guy is truly bisexual, the issue is only about his ability to be monogamous

Well, me and the ex-boyfriend had a long talk about it but still, he could be lying for any number of reasons. Seems like my instincts are off.

Also, wanted to add that I love the gays just don't want to marry another one. Is that offensive? If it is, you didn't live through my first marriage.

Yes, I'll admit that being gay/straight/bisexual and anywhere in between does not mean that he will cheat. But, it does mean that as a woman, I can't fill all of his sexual needs- only some of them. That was a hard thing for me to accept in my marriage.

despite the name, it is NOT ABOUT SEX. You may be able to fill his needs. What his needs are and what will fill those needs, is for HIM, not YOU to decide.

Even if you marry a straight man you will most likely have that same problem if by "fulfill his sexual needs" you mean "fulfill all of his sexual wants and fantasies".

You could be having great sex tonight with someone who cares a lot about you if you could let the fear go.

I agree. I’d love to make it with two bisexual women at the same time. I’ve liked that idea for about 37 years now, but it’s never happened (almost once, but I didn’t think they were serious, I thought they were joking around… They were serious, I found out too late).

So no woman can fulfill all of my wants.

Yet I’ve been completely monogamous with my wife, despite her inability to be two bisexual women at the same time. She can’t even be one bisexual woman and I’m still happily married.

I think that the OP is overreacting because of the first experience. Now she’s hyper vigilant in protecting against it.

Just because a guy looked at naked guys on the internet didn’t make him a problem for being heterosexual or monogamous. Guys are overall more curious than women visually. Most guys won’t ever admit to becoming aroused seeing another guy. But is most porn videos showing only women? Nope, there are showing guys with the women unless you are looking at specialty porn.

So if guys like to see another nude male having sex with a woman, meaning that they like to see a penis sliding into a woman, but it isn’t their penis… What does that mean? They are secretly Gay?

Nope, it means they like more imagery to fantasies about. Perhaps they are fantasizing themselves into that setting, and it’s easier to do if there are visuals to feed the fantasy.

If we asked most guys if they like to see another man’s penis. The answer will be a fast no. Ask them in another setting to show you a porn clip that they like, and it’ll probably show another guy’s penis. It will probably show it pretty prominently.

So most guys like to see other guy’s penises, you just have to ask them the right way to find out.

So a guy seeing other guy’s penises on the net doesn’t necessarily mean they have fantasies about making it with another guy. Perhaps they just wanted to see how they compare etc.?

Just wanted to deaden a little of the OMG, he saw penises on the net hysteria.

Just to double check my assertion I went to a free porn site, so being free it should have a good sampling of the general population that watches porn, and it lets you sort videos by view count.

The top 10 videos all had guys and women together with millions of views each. So there are a lot of guys out there seeing other guys naked.

It could let you sort categories, like women with dildos if a guy didn’t want to see another naked guy, but they are far from being in the top. You could sort for women with women, and avoid naked guys, but they don’t crack the top either.

That’s all coming from a very heterosexual guy.

You seem to be under the assumption that because the guy also is sexually interested in men, that he will cheat on you. I would think that would be kind of insulting to bisexuals.

What you need to find is a guy, straight or bi that has no interest in having sex outside the relationship. This is the true issue for you.

Also, he might not have lied about needing to experiment, at the time he said that, he may well have not needed to experiment. As time passes, however, the need may have surfaced.

+1

+2

My grandmother always told her sons never to get serious about a woman until they'd brought her home to meet the women in the family, because women are better at seeing through other women, since their hormones don't get in the way (and I'm sure the reverse probably holds true for men being better at sizing up other men).

I think the same holds true for the excellent gaydar of gay men. Maybe some new gay friends are in order! Not only will you have great, fun new friends (my gay friends are the most loyal and caring ones I have), you might have a little more practice recognizing obvious signs, and they could help you scope the next guy out. :-)

Your trouble does seem to have been with bisexual men, though, which is more of a problem because they're attracted to women, so you often get the same vibe from them that you'd get from a straight guy, depending where they fall on the scale. There's probably no other way to find out than to ask, and hope he tells the truth.

Being bisexual doesn't mean they are not monogomous... you're over generalizing the population because of one terrible experience.

Also, you keep bringing up this guy. Sounds like you miss him. My guess is that you over reacted because of your past experiences and threw away a 'good thing'. Now you are desperate to rationalize turning away from someone you loved.

Perhaps this guy lied because he knew you would act this way?


As for the "gaydar"... ask "Are you gay?". If they say "no" then just go off of that... could they be lying? Sure, but you can't go into every relationship with the assumption that every man is a closeted homosexual that will cheat on you.

1. Have a woman (you, or someone built) unbutton her blouse so the cleavage shows very clearly. Have her walk up behind the guy in question, and stand beside him so that he can see her boobs.

- if he looks at her chest only once, he's probably gay.
- if he looks twice or more, he's probably straight.

2. Ask the guy to look at his nails.

- palm up - straight
- palm down - gay

Not foolproof, but you could get some vibes.

(I can just see all you straight guys practicing looking at your nails palm up. lol)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/22/2012 07:55PM by PapaKen.

You can also be masculine and gay... but when all else fails base your life on stereotypes.

Dude, why would a gay guy care?
I sure don't.
Could you be a closet..... HETERO???

I was being sarcastic about gay stereotypes.

The palms up/down thing grates me a little only because it was one of the many tricks the kids would use to tease in gradeschool (and I don't mean benign teasing either.)

But boobies are so much fun! Even my ex-boyfriend, who is most definitely not bisexual, liked playing with boobies. They're just so out there, ready to be played with. My wife has grown quite weary over the years of my fascination with her mammaries. She contends that if this situation were fair, she could grab my priesthood and do all sorts of cruel things with it, but I firmly believe this is not the same thing - FSM put boobies there so accessible and handy, surely they were meant to be played with. It's like a portable playdough/jello set you can take anywhere. Well, almost anywhere.

You can grab them and squeeze them and roll them and knead them and pinch them and prod them... I don't know why my wife gets so irritated with me at times. ;-)

In cafelover's defense, I don't thinks she's bashing bisexuals as being untrustworthy or incapable of monogamy.

I have a female bisexual friend who's married and very much in love with and attracted to her husband. She says, however, that no matter how much she loves him, there will always be a part of her that remains slightly unfulfilled due to her attraction to women, which she says is less than her attraction to men, but is nevertheless very real and could not be satisfied by any man. She's faithful to her husband, but still has those feelings.

Good monogomous relationships are hard enough to find and maintain in the long term without the added complication of one's partner having desires or feelings that the other could never fulfill, On that basis, her concerns are completely valid.

And I don't know a single one that thinks the way you claim your "friend" does. None of them thinks that one sex fulfills one set of needs the other another. Not a single one thinks they are going unfulfilled, in the way you are stating, when they are in a relationship with a person.

Most likely I think you misunderstood what was said.

But I do LOVE how someone based on ONE friend thinks they can talk for a whole community.

I don't think anyone is purposefully bashing bisexuals, I think it is speaking out of ignorance.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 05/22/2012 11:10PM by MJ.

Well, at least you know one on RfM. As a self-declared Kinsey 4, I have a lot of fulfillment issues. I'm glad that all the bi folk you know are completely fulfilled - I hope to have that someday as well, in the form of a polyamorous relationship. In our case, (meaning my wife and I) until Prince Charming shows up, which seems about as likely as him also arriving with a million dollars and a pot of gold, and maybe a pot of pot, I will probably feel that way. So I'll likely be feeling that way for a long time.

I think perhaps some of my angst stems from not really believing that monogamy is more important than trust. Obviously this isn't limited to bisexuals (Monicagate, for one) but it can hurt when you yearn for your own gender but crave the opposite gender as well. For me, giving up the relationship I have would tear so much apart - so my solution was to have both. I'm fortunate enough to have someone who agrees, so I have the possibility of "having my cake and eating it too." (Not in that way, of course!!)

Not all bisexuals are monogamous. But in regards to the OP, the flip side of this is not all bisexuals *aren't* monogamous, just as MJ indicated. But if the OP is absolutely set on monogamy, then if she decides to go back to her ex, they need to discuss it calmly and rationally and make it very clear what each other's expectations are. I will also say to OP that three can be mind-blowingly fun.. just in case you aren't dead-set on monogamy. ;-)

And as far as tuning your gaydar, this brought a funny image to my mind. It's definitely *not* safe for work, and contains very sarcastic humor. It made me lol.

http://www.noob.us/pictures/how-can-i-test-if-my-son-is-gay/